A Beginner's Primer on Pickup Lines: Lesson I, Using the Same Line on Different Women for Fun and Profit

So, the first message I got wasn't really that interesting. Mr. I'm Totes Creative wrote,

Thought you'd enjoy a unique sunrise.

As far as first attempts go, that's not so bad. Not really worth posting about. It's a picture I've seen a myriad of times, so it's not particularly creative, but eh...were I still single, I probably would have responded back to him.

Then I got a follow-up five days later. No picture this time, just the text, "If I offered to buy you something important, like a gumball, would you refuse?"

Which is weird in a cute way and still not necessarily post-worthy except that when I logged into Facebook this morning, I see this as one of my friend's statuses:

[Random OKCupid dude]: If I offered to buy you something important, like a gumball, would you refuse?

Me: What's important about a gumball?

[Random OKCupid dude]: It is a sphere, similar to the earth. As a symbol of all that is beautiful, its importance should be respected in a similar manner as a tic-tac.

Bahahahaha.

I, of course, logged into OKC and verified that it was actually the same guy which, OF COURSE, it is (she had a picture of him posted in the comments to the FB status). I accidentally clicked on the guy's profile which has garnered yet another message from him:

Find me an aardvark and I might respond.

DUDE. You have responded to me THREE TIMES without me responding to you. Anyone want to give me a suggestion of how I should respond to this request for an aardvark?

The Request.

OMG HI!

I've been disenchanted with online dating lately, hence the lack of posting. But here's a story for everyone.

I got an email saying someone had added me to their favorites on OkCupid. I was in the middle of something, so I didn't check his profile right away. Then I got a message directly from him, so I figured I'd read it. On my way to doing so, I got a friend request on Facebook from some random guy. Understandably, I was a little confused.

So I go to read the message...

Hello. :) Judging from what I see on your profile, I'm very interested. [where I live] isn't too far I guess. If this ok cupid thing seems too lame we could connect on facebook as I'm on there everyday.(just send me the link to your page or whatever) So what do you think? You can check out my profile and if you have any questions, I'd be happy to answer them for you. (I just made my profile today as it turns out, so my apologies if its not complete)

Yeah, this was the dude that just sent me the friend request. Now... I used to link to my Facebook in my OkCupid profile. I don't anymore. I do share my first name, and obviously my location. I'm not especially hard to find if you want to go looking for me on Facebook, and most of my information is private anyway. But the act of asking me if I want to connect on Facebook, and then going to add me BEFORE I've answered the question... That's a little too eager for me. Not quite creepy. Just overzealous. So I replied:

Look... You seem like a nice guy. But I don't really appreciate you searching for me on Facebook like that without giving me a chance to even say if I was interested. That's pretty invasive. So I don't think so. But good luck with everything.

He really didn't seem like a bad guy, honestly. I just didn't like him jumping the gun. That's all. But of course he had to get defensive...

lol. My apologies. It's just that your name was here, combined with being from [where I'm from] and a recognition of your face from your profile here. Sorry if that came out creepy but, I thought I'd just send a request. I'm not going to stalk you or become obsessed with you because of that. No need to overreact. lol
That's fine if you're not interested, but you don't get to control how people respond to you here or who they choose to send requests to on facebook.

I don't think I overreacted. Overreacting is "OMG YOU CREEP I'M CALLING THE POLICE!!!" Nor did I say it was a necessarily wrong thing to do. Just not something that I was fond of. And if he had just replied with, "Okay, I can understand that, let's forget about it"... Different conversation. I said...

I wasn't trying to control anything. You have every right to do it, and I have every right not to like it and to say so. That's all.

But that's not all!

Well, its just that you seemed to react a little too strongly to something that was pretty damn innocent. That's all I'm saying. So if that's all it takes to ruin this, then wow, that's amazingly shallow but whatever, if that's what you want, I'm not going to argue with you all night over it.

First of all: How are we defining "strongly"? I was incredibly calm. Second, what is "this" that we're ruining? The nonexistent relationship we have because we literally just "met"? But how does that make me "shallow"? And where is the "argument"? SO MANY QUESTIONS.

I have no plans to argue anything. It bothered me, I said it bothered me, I told you good luck, and that was that.

And, mercifully, that was, indeed, that.

Am I wrong here? Am I a little too harsh? Am I just looking for reasons not to like people? Am I or am I not the walrus, goo goo g'joob?

All Lobotomy Patients Apply Here

This isn't an actual Rotten Fish, but as it has to do with Internet dating, I feel that it deserves to be mentioned.

I signed into Facebook this morning and was greeted by the following ad on the side of my screen:

Which is a shame really...because I'm looking for an unconscious man. Preferably one who's been in a coma for at least five years with his Magic 8 Ball constantly coming up with "Outlook not so good." Oh, and he has to be a millionaire.

But I'm not picky.