Deeply, Deeply in My Soul

So...there's this theory that once a person acquires a significant other, they become significantly more attractive to the opposite sex. Whether it's an unconscious increase in confidence or pheromones or whatever, it apparently carries over to the Internet because since I got a boyfriend back in May, I've gotten absolutely no idiots sending messages to my inbox...or at least none worth posting.

Which is both depressing and impressive.

Until, of course, I got a message from this guy who I'll admit was probably just trying to amuse me, it still came off as a touch on the creepy side.

You used the word tenterhooks in a dating site.

THAT. IS. AWESOME.

I thought you should know how I felt about that. It feel it very deeply in my soul.

I really hope it was just his soul he felt it deeply in and not...er...anywhere else.

Plato Was Sexy, However...

Okay, so this isn't really a Rotten Fish, but it's from a Craigslist ad, it made me giggle, and we haven't updated in a while, so I'm sharing it with you.

I found this under the "strictly platonic" section of the Atlanta Craigslist:

Lets Stay Warm Tonite! Sexy Black Fem Seeking Sexy Black Fem! - w4w - 27 (EastSide)
Sexy and Single Black Fem is looking for her cuddle buddy!... Its getting cold outside, but we can stay in and make some good heat! I want to make this a 1 on 1.... No BBW please.
I want to hear from you tonite! Im in the Lithonia/Stn Mtn area! Put WARM PUSSY in the subject line. SO I know that you are real. Talk to you soon!~

For the reason why this is hilarious, please see this Wikipedia entry. I'll be here at home, snuggling my cat.

A Little Weirdness for Your Saturday Night

I am not entirely sure why this guy decided that he'd IM me again after I hadn't responded the first time, but luckily for all of us, he caught me when I was sitting at my computer. Here are some choice snippets from our conversation.

Mistaken Identity
HolyMexicoBatman: do you speak spanish as well?
Me: nope
HolyMexicoBatman: don`t mind if i became in your spanish tutor..
HolyMexicoBatman: hey it will be a great aventure to have one beautiful spanish girl as an estudent

Nowhere in my profile does it say I'm Spanish; not even a tiny bit. If people do try to guess my ethnicity, it's usually Irish because I have blue eyes. They don't even guess Italian and that's what I am.

Leaps of Cognizance
HolyMexicoBatman: are you seeing someone at this point?
Me: not at the moment
HolyMexicoBatman: mmmmm are you ready to letting a mexican to treat you like a princess
Me: i'm not sure.
HolyMexicoBatman: hey... remember spring and a lot of rain is coming..
HolyMexicoBatman: won`t you be gladd to have a big sombrero as an umbrella

Were I not single, would I be on a dating website? If a tree falls in the woods, but no one was around, would it make a sound?

Cyrano? Please Let It Be Cyrano
HolyMexicoBatman: ...wish i could find some one like you
HolyMexicoBatman: so on a good beautiful nite with a brightfull moon serenate you
HolyMexicoBatman: and of course to admire the splendid beauty of yours?

My outer beauty is only eclipsed by my inner beauty...and my penchant for posting the ridiculous things men say on my website.

Non Sequitur FTW!
HolyMexicoBatman: what was for breakfast today?
Me: yogurt
HolyMexicoBatman: mmmmm yummy..
HolyMexicoBatman: then you`ll must be a sweet lady
HolyMexicoBatman: possibly
HolyMexicoBatman: love to experience that while having my senses together

WHAT?! I am so confused. Maybe he'll start making sense at some point...

No, Wait; Still Confused
HolyMexicoBatman: when will be my lucky day when a girl like you go out with me on a date..
HolyMexicoBatman: lots of ice cream in the middle of the green meadow..
HolyMexicoBatman: just a though!!

I guess not...though now I'm having visions of hillocks made of mint ice cream. Or green mochi. Mmm...green tea mochi...

All he's missing is the rimshot.

This is what's supposed to pass for amusing and interesting conversation, apparently.


haha: Yo
me: hello.
haha: What up?
me: nothing. you?
haha: Driving home
me: oh, that's safe.
haha: Like you've never done it
me: text and drive? at a red light.
haha: Who says I'm not
me: that's a lot of red lights.
haha: Too many
haha: Here's another.
haha: When did 84 get all these?
me: there's one red light on 91. legitimately. there are none on 84.
haha: Guess I'm hallucinating.
haha: What's that turtle doing here?
haha: Honestly, I'm stuck in a jam
me: oh. I see.
haha: Some accident.
haha: Exit 40. Look it up.
me: nah.

Are you riveted yet?


haha: I just wanna go pass out
me: me too.
haha: At work?
me: nope.
haha: So why not?
me: I dunno, there's some dude trying to talk to me.
haha: Shall I let you go?
me: either that or start getting interesting.
haha: Hey. That's hardly fair. I'm stuck in traffic.
me: and that's not interesting.
haha: No need to be a snob about it.
me: I'm...not?
haha: You are actually.
me: well everyone's entitled to an opinion.
haha: And I think you're acting like a snob for my limited conversation due to my current location not meeting your standards. If I'm not "interesting" enough, I don't see you dropping any Mark Twain shit into this discussion.

Hold up a second there, Shecky. Didn't you IM me? Why do I need to be Mark Twain? I was content, y'know...not talking to anyone.


me: if you had nothing to say, why did you send me an IM?
me: burden of maintenance is on you. you started the conversation.
haha: Says the 21st century woman.
haha:Unreal.

Um...huh?


me: nice job trying to twist it into something it's not.
me: you wanted to talk to me. you're not really talking.
haha: I've said a lot more than you. In fact, this imaginary turtle has said more than you.
me: "I'm in a traffic jam." oh yeah, so many places to go from there.
haha: You could've said anything. I was trying to be humorous. If you're that numb to comic relief, no wonder you're single.

Can't possibly be that it wasn't funny because you're trying too hard. Nope.


me: I just didn't find it funny.
haha: And what sort of wit amuses you, Grumpy McWetblanket?
me: the kind that isn't forced.
haha: It wasn't. I naturally am like this.
me: then apparently I don't find you funny.
me: life will go on.
haha: But not this conversation. Good luck finding some dude dumb enough to look past that telephone pole cemented in your anus.
me: way to be a dick just because I'm not falling all over you. I'll be just fine, thanks.

I love how they always pretend they're the one that wanted to end the conversation.

The irony in all this is that this guy bills himself as a stand-up comedian. I can say for certain I will not be buying tickets to his shows.

IRMEDD420 III: The Curse of IRMEDD420

I love it when I have repeat offenders.

Keep in mind that the conversation to this point has been him calling me "baby," then telling me which of the pictures on my profile he liked the best.

IRMEDD420: so you arent interested eh?
Me: should i be?
IRMEDD420: i think you should wanna go out
IRMEDD420: :)
Me: why's that?
IRMEDD420: b/c as i said your sexy

Apparently, the gentleman thinks that mama raised a fool. I did attempt to clarify, though...

Me: i should want to go out with you because you said i'm sexy?
IRMEDD420: lol

But, but, but isn't that what he just implied? It's times like these when I question my own reading comprehension.

IRMEDD420: uh i would hope you'd be attracted to me as well?
Me: so i should go out with you because you said i'm sexy and you hope i'd be attracted to you?

All I'm looking for is an answer--a simple, succinct answer...

IRMEDD420: listen...do you meet many people here?

Apparently, he thinks he's Socrates: "I will answer your question by asking you a question."

Me: a fair amount, i'd say.

This is a lie. In the year I've frequented OKCupid, I have met a grand total of four men. I wonder why that could possibly be.

IRMEDD420: how? when you try tp be all superior and act bitchy?
IRMEDD420: damn

Oh, right. That's why.

Me: i'm just trying to make sure i understand what you're asking!

That's a lie, too. I be trollin', I be hatin'...

IRMEDD420: just cause your sexy doesnt mean you can act pretentious
Me: why not?
IRMEDD420: seriously?

Me: how can you even question my seriousness?

IRMEDD420: b/c its okc aND WE HAVE NO inflection WE JUST TYPE

Me: fair enough.

They be hatin'...on my trollin'...

IRMEDD420:well i got other women dieing to abuse me lol
Me: i am sure.

Oh, you wanted an argument? I'm sorry; this is abuse. You'll want room 12A.

IRMEDD420:go be all snooty by your lonesome bitch

Somehow, I'm pretty sure that a couple of AAs and my right hand will give me more satisfaction than he ever could.

"Creepy" Is a State of Mind

I suppose a year is a fair amount of time to message someone for the second time. There's always a chance they've forgotten about you in the intervening time. Or perhaps their standards have lowered since that first message.

Unfortunately for this guy, neither has happened to me. I'm not sure my standards will ever be that low. He just sent me a boring IM this time ("hi") and I spazzed out and linked his profile to a friend of mine who pointed out this:


But what is really the icing on the cake is that this fifty-nine year old man who is looking for women aged nineteen to thirty-five has this in his profile:

The most private thing I'm willing to admit
is my fear of dating, even online dating, I've heard their are a lots of sick people out there ... but I'm still willing to put myself out here ... nothing to loose and every-thing to gain ... Like is just to short not to enjoy ... How about you ?

Emphasis in red mine.

My inner monologue as I read that: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA *inhale* HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

I'll Just Leave This Here...

I do not know if this profile is for real.

But, working on the assumption that I'm not being punk'd, I'm very, very concerned for the human race.

Very concerned.

My hopes are that his profile is being truthful when it says he has no children, and perhaps that he Darwin himself attempting to join the Guinness Book for largest methane flame.

All Lobotomy Patients Apply Here

This isn't an actual Rotten Fish, but as it has to do with Internet dating, I feel that it deserves to be mentioned.

I signed into Facebook this morning and was greeted by the following ad on the side of my screen:

Which is a shame really...because I'm looking for an unconscious man. Preferably one who's been in a coma for at least five years with his Magic 8 Ball constantly coming up with "Outlook not so good." Oh, and he has to be a millionaire.

But I'm not picky.