The Later It Gets, the Less Likely I Am to Change Out of My PJs

I wish I could say that there was some sort of preamble to this instant message, but he immediately hit me with this:

FLguy: wana hang out tonight?
Me: i'm sorry, what?
FLguy: hang out

Yes, yes, get to the point. It's not that I don't understand, it's that I don't understand.

Me: i imagine not.
FLguy: imagination is a state of mind
Me: indeed.

Translation: I get it; you are very deep.

FLguy: are you here for something serious
Me: generally, yes.
FLguy: we can have something non serious for one night

Deep like a FOX...er...no, wait.

Me: I doubt it.
FLguy: haha
FLguy: you have a good sense of putting things in perspective

It's one of my skillz; unfortunately, my skillz set does not include making weirdos go away. It was at this point that I had checked his profile and saw he was a native of Gainesville, FL.

Me: and strangely enough, i doubt i'd make it to florida and back in one night.
FLguy: i am in philly right now
Me: ah, i see.
FLguy: not gonna make you travle so far :)
FLguy: that would be rude on my part
Me: lol
FLguy: I am not as bad as you think :)
Me: i really have no opinion of you except that you randomly popped up and asked me to hang out

Which, I might add, is pretty frickin' bad, actually.

FLguy: well we can talk on phone a bit and if you like we can hang out else not
FLguy: and if you dont feel like giving your number you can call the hotel and ask for my room
Me: as tempting as that all is, i still have to be up early for work.

Sarcasm: Refuge of the Amadei since...whenever it is she learned to speak.

FLguy: its still early right now..I will drop you off

At this point, it was about quarter to 9pm. Even if I were the kind of girl to randomly meet someone at his hotel, it certainly wouldn't be after 9pm on a Wednesday.

Me: lol
Me: if your hotel's in philly, it's probably an hour from where i am anyway.
FLguy: whats your zip
FLguy: I am in sheraton near the airport if you know where that is
Me: yeah, that's like an hour.
FLguy: oh I am sorry
FLguy: i dont have a car not do I know anything abt here
Me: i'm pretty much on the other side of the city. kinda.

He doesn't have a car, but he said earlier in the conversation that he'd drop me off, so that leaves me to consider the idea that he a) is Superman, b) has a broomstick, or c) is lying about something.

FLguy: you could leave from here

I could...wait, what?

Me: ha ha
FLguy: we can have breakfast here at the hotel in the morning
Me: i find that all very unlikely.

BECAUSE I AM NOT INSANE.

FLguy: your words are amusing
Me: i'm glad you're amused.
FLguy: sometimes
FLguy: but its boring here
FLguy: cant you make a one time exception to travel here
FLguy: its going to be a good company
Me: exception to what?

I really wanted him to say something like "to your rule of not having sex with random guys on the Internet," but I was unfortunately not given that little fun gem.

FLguy: to hang out
Me: considering i have to get up at 6am to be at work at 7am, i'm not inclined to meet with some random person who's here for one night only.

Or at all, really, but I was trying to drive the point home.

FLguy: my sister lives in NJ so I come here sometimes
Me: ah.
FLguy: yea
FLguy: and you are always welcome to come to florida
FLguy: anytime :)

Because him having a sister in NJ and me being welcome in FL makes me meeting him at his hotel so much less creepy.

Me: what is in gainesville?
FLguy: umm good springs and beaches are close by
FLguy: i have a car there so it wont be any problme going around
FLguy: lol
FLguy: i am an open book so
FLguy: i like you to be honest
FLguy: you have been very sweet and without any attitude
FLguy:which is not common
Me: lol thanks

Translation: I've been planning this blog post since the first thing you said.

FLguy: we can go for a drink if you like
FLguy: i wana see some places before i leave philly
Me: i'm pretty sure i'm in for the night.

Time check: It is now 9:15pm.

FLguy: philly girls are weird
FLguy: i dont know
FLguy: completely different experience
Me: lol how so?
FLguy: well they will talk to you and you might think they would hang out or so
FLguy: and in the end its "I am too tired, its very late"
FLguy: thats what I heard last time
FLguy: there is not point in being good and sweet anymore and wasting time
FLguy: it doesnt lead to anything

I don't think I gave him any indication that it could possibly lead to anything, but hey, maybe we're having two different conversations.

Me: i don't generally hang out with anyone the first time talking to them.
FLguy: everyone is different in its own way
Me: indeed
FLguy: its not that late come on
Me: it is that late.

A sentiment I feel I have made abundantly clear during the tenure of our conversation.

Me: and i just don't randomly meet people offline for one night.
FLguy: but I dont have any other choice
FLguy: else I would have stayed here
Me: i am failing to see how that affects me at all.
FLguy: its alright
FLguy: it doesn
FLguy: i am just wasting my time I think
Me: hm. good thought.

I mean, seriously. He had talked to me for over an hour at this point and I still wasn't leaping into my car, so...

FLguy: you can feel good abt yourself right n ow
FLguy: but karma is always fair to everyone
FLguy: so it will your turn someday
Me: i doubt that karma will think that i am a bad person for not going out on a work night to meet up with a random guy at his hotel.
FLguy: well thats not the point
FLguy: but your statement was rude
FLguy: last one
Me: hm.

You heard it here first--because I didn't pay it forward and just whip on down to the Airport Sheraton, karma is going to bite me in the ass especially as I've uttered a rude statement. But FLguy wasn't finished waxing philosophical.

FLguy: if you meet a stranger anywhere, is that the first time or you have met themin some previous life too
Me: yes, but if i meet someone in, say, the mall, i can already see that they are perhaps not an axe murderer whereas random people on the internet could be completely different from how
FLguy: I mean you girls say it all the time " I dont meet strangers or I dont talk to them"..are you girls born here with friends

HE HAS FIGURED US ALL OUT, LADIES! The reason we need to go to the bathroom in groups is because we're born with all the friends we'll ever have and WE CANNOT RISK LOSING ONE.

Me: and really none of that trumps that i have to be at work at 7am.

Which, strangely enough, is really all I was trying to get him to acknowledge. It became almost like a game. But let's move on from philosophy to criminal justice:

FLguy: well then you need to put more attention to the current events
FLguy: most of the victims are not from online
FLguy:but from someone who knew them very closely
Me: lol
FLguy: go watch forensic files on tru tv
FLguy: it will give you some idea on what basis most cases are based
FLguy: and its not some bullshit like CSI
FLguy: its a 100% true event
Me: i've seen it.
FLguy: oh
FLguy: i thought most of you girls only watch what lindsey lohan is doing or which club paris hilton is going to
FLguy: i didnt know some of you actually watch those kind of "boring" shows
Me: ha ha. very funny.

After that, I didn't really feel inspired to talk with him anymore.

IRMEDD420 III: The Curse of IRMEDD420

I love it when I have repeat offenders.

Keep in mind that the conversation to this point has been him calling me "baby," then telling me which of the pictures on my profile he liked the best.

IRMEDD420: so you arent interested eh?
Me: should i be?
IRMEDD420: i think you should wanna go out
IRMEDD420: :)
Me: why's that?
IRMEDD420: b/c as i said your sexy

Apparently, the gentleman thinks that mama raised a fool. I did attempt to clarify, though...

Me: i should want to go out with you because you said i'm sexy?
IRMEDD420: lol

But, but, but isn't that what he just implied? It's times like these when I question my own reading comprehension.

IRMEDD420: uh i would hope you'd be attracted to me as well?
Me: so i should go out with you because you said i'm sexy and you hope i'd be attracted to you?

All I'm looking for is an answer--a simple, succinct answer...

IRMEDD420: listen...do you meet many people here?

Apparently, he thinks he's Socrates: "I will answer your question by asking you a question."

Me: a fair amount, i'd say.

This is a lie. In the year I've frequented OKCupid, I have met a grand total of four men. I wonder why that could possibly be.

IRMEDD420: how? when you try tp be all superior and act bitchy?
IRMEDD420: damn

Oh, right. That's why.

Me: i'm just trying to make sure i understand what you're asking!

That's a lie, too. I be trollin', I be hatin'...

IRMEDD420: just cause your sexy doesnt mean you can act pretentious
Me: why not?
IRMEDD420: seriously?

Me: how can you even question my seriousness?

IRMEDD420: b/c its okc aND WE HAVE NO inflection WE JUST TYPE

Me: fair enough.

They be hatin'...on my trollin'...

IRMEDD420:well i got other women dieing to abuse me lol
Me: i am sure.

Oh, you wanted an argument? I'm sorry; this is abuse. You'll want room 12A.

IRMEDD420:go be all snooty by your lonesome bitch

Somehow, I'm pretty sure that a couple of AAs and my right hand will give me more satisfaction than he ever could.

Let us create a superior army of online daters.

This happened last week, but I just remembered I forgot to share.


I got this message on OKCupid, pretty much out of nowhere.

I am just curious as to why someone with a wealth of knowledge and intellect would not want to procreate with someone of high intellectual value as yourself, to spawn a super intellectual child to better this world from it's natural regression our world is seeing in these times.

This is your business...how? I mean, other than the fact that, given the way the message was worded, his goal was to...spawn with me. (For the record, his poor sentence structure would rule him out, supposing I were actually predisposed toward procreation.)


I replied quite succinctly.

Selfishness.

My new profession?

This one - 46 years old, by the way - and I had spoken once before. All he wanted to know was whether I got aroused watching men masturbate and if I'd ever had an orgasm. I told him I wasn't answering that, and he should be on his merry way elsewhere. But alas, he returned. And I was none too pleased.


porny: I see you are having a hard time breaking out of your current employment position
me: a lot of people are. and?
porny: Have you considered the adult industry?
me: no.
porny: There are great oppurtunities
porny: A lot of money can be made

Apparently it's now considered perfectly normal and polite to open a conversation with, "Oh, you're looking for a job? I think you should do porn."



me: unless any of them include staying fully clothed, no thanks.
porny: well some do
me: and there are so many adult companies here in CT, right?
porny: Well for instance, massage can be done clothed
me: that's...not really an adult industry.
porny: Yes, unless you are willing to do hand releases
me: yeah, I don't really like touching people, so no.
porny: phone sex is another possibility

And as a regular consumer of such things, you'd know.



me: is there a point to this? because from where I sit, you're just hoping it'll lead to dirty talk, and that's not going to happen.
porny: no not at all
porny: from where I sit, I think attractive women should take advantage......make some money
me: I have no issue with women who choose to do so. it's just not my thing.
porny: well, you are very attractive...thought you would want to take advantage of it

Now, forgive me, but I must go off on a tangent. Why do men assume that all women desire to use their sexuality to get ahead? I've had more than one guy say he doesn't understand why I don't just flash my boobs to get what I want. Gee, I dunno... Maybe I want to earn it with my brain? Because I do have one of those, y'know.



me: do you remember talking to me before?
porny: no, did we?
me: yes we did.
porny: Oh, sorry don't recall
porny: hope you enjoyed it
me: I didn't like your line of discussion then, and I don't like it now.

And he went away. But he'll be back. They always come back.

No offense.

I came back from brushing my teeth and saw this IM.

Im gonna be really honest, you look like you'd give good head. No offense.

I...don't even have commentary for this. Just...why me? Sigh.

Ama’s Best of Craigslist, Part I

I know that picking on Craigslist personals is like shooting fish in a barrel, but sometimes I just can't help myself.

From the men looking for women section of the Philadelphia, PA Cragislist.

Looking for a lady who loves tickling feet - 40 (Berwyn)
I am a single professional man with a unique interest. I love having a woman tie me up and tickle torture my feet. There is nothing I can do to hold back the laughter. I also enjoy giving my partner a really good foot tickling and watching her laugh hysterically. I am searching for a woman with very ticklish feet who would like to get together on a regular basis for a few hours of stress relieving mutual tickling fun.

This is weird enough on its own, but what really put me over the edge was that he wants this to be an on-going thing. I’m thinking maybe he should try a Cuddle Party.

NEED TO RELOCATE ? - 55 (upper bucks)
Tired of paying that outragious rent need to get away for whatever reason , this economy sucks so wherever you can save we all do it , which brings me to the subject i have a very lg mobile home in upper bucks your part would be $400-$450 full facilities now for the pitch in lieu of that lowent and if the chemestry is good for us both must include sex from tome to time , if i still got your attn. im drama free you be too. like weightlifting nice home jym m/c harley of course boating and movies ( horror) very laid back semi couch potato if this sounds interesting to you lets meet and talk see what happens . Age unimportant no kids sorry attractive a big plus will only answer to those that also send pic and i will return mine , if i dont write back its probably the fact that every body has a type there looking for maybe i wont be yours either . Sorry about this being a little unorthadox but i dont hang out at clubs and im retired so i dont meet that many people and i suck at supermarkets haha.

In case you didn’t read through that block of text, here’s the synopsis: the man has a large mobile home and is looking for a roommate. The rent would be $400-450, HOWEVER, in lieu of that, if “the chemestry is good for us both must include sex from tome to time.”

So you can either pay that lowent or you can have carnal relations with a laid back semi couch potato. Be still my beating heart.

And for this last one, I’ll keep it simple:

wanna fuck now i can pick u up - 27 (any where in philly)
just wanting to fuck i can pick u up drop u off and i can host send a pic or descreiption or yuor number ill send a pic

That is just so undeniably classy.

What cracks me up the most is that he's so desperate to get laid that he'll post that ad, but he has standards so he needs to see the woman's picture first. Riiight....

Is this what Craig intended?

Ever since Amadei showed me You Suck at CraigsList (which was yesterday, so I've clearly been ruminating on this long and hard), I thought the winners of CL deserved some attention here, as well.

First of all, let me say... I've posted several CL ads. And my responses are generally of questionable quality. But looking through the first page of CraigsList Hartford M4W LTR section has wrought...this.


This man fancies himself a poet.

HERE I LAY MY HEAD TO REST BUT ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT IS SOME NICE FIRM BREAST.. ,NICE AND PINK AND PINK DOWN LOW.. ,BUT DEFINATELY NOT PURPLE LIKE SOME FREAKIN HOE.. ,IVE SEARCHED THE BARS FROM NORTH TO SOUTH..,JUST TO FIND MYSELF GET SLAPPED IN THE MOUTH,..

Can't imagine why. In addition to being a pig, you're also yelling at them.


SPONTAINIOUS AND FUN IS ALL I DESIRE,..BEING KINKY AND PLEASURABLE WOULD JUST SET ME ON FIRE..,BEING PURE AND SWEET , BLONDE AND PETIT.., I WOULD LICK YOU THEN DICK YOU WITH MY BIG FUCKIN MEAT..,

Maybe it's just me, but the idea of being "dicked" with "meat" is not something I find appealing...


AFTER THATS ALL SAID AND DONE..,I WOULD NOT STOP UNTILL I MADE YOU CUM..,BEING HONEST AND SINCERE AND SAFE AS CAN BE..,I WOULD THEN UNTIE YOU AND THEN SET YOU FREE..,SO IF YOUR INTERESTED STILL AND LIKED WHAT YOUVE HEARD..,JUST GIVE ME A CALL AND SAY THE WORD..,WE COULD START SLOW AND BE DISCREET,.. YOU DONT HAVE TO TELL YOUR HUSBAND YOU JUST GOT SOME MEAT..,

But what if she went to the butcher shop? What if she just wanted to make dinner?


IM 6 FEET WHITE AT 175 SO HAPPY IM HERE AND STILL ALIVE,AT A NICE YOUNG AGE OF JUST 35..,AND YET I DONT HAVE A COLLAGE DEGREE..,IM STILL FUNNY AS HELL AND WILL MAKE YOU PEE..,

No "collage" degree? But everything is spelled perfectly and your grammar is impeccable!


NOT UGLY AT ALL BUT STILL IM ALONE..,I STILL HAVE TO DO SOMETHING WITH THIS BIG FUCKIN BONE..,THROBING AND THRUSTING LIKE SOME FREAKIN NUT ,I PROMISE TO BE NICE AND NOT CALL YOU A SLUT.!!!!!!!!!!

Oh, well, if you're not going to call me a slut, that makes it all better.


And now we have Mr. Run-On and his Band of Cliches.

hello thanks for taking the time well a little about me im a one woman type man seeking my partner in crime a best freind a confedon a lover i only have room for one love i hope your the one some one

Say the word "one" one more time. See what happens.


to make our escape plans for the border with some one to wisper sweet nothings to as lightly kissing there neck smelling her hair watching the fire cant wait to well u know thats the kind of love im seeking the i cant wait to see yous typ

This guy has been watching way too many movies. And poorly transcribing their scripts.


im genaraly a very passionate guy realy sweet and true but im also a mysterious man the one who makes u wounder i have blond hair blue eyes im a 180 5/9 white male with a little edge very clean cut but u can tell im not your average joe the one u love to hate and the one u hate to love cant help urself thats me a great protecter of whats mine iv earned it.

He's just everything, isn't he? That must get tiring.


i have a few battle scarse mostly on my heart and some visable for your eyes only well if you think u can handle the wise guy type then give a text or email text me a sweet nothing or mail one whatever

I have to ask... What is a "sweet nothing"? Sounds like the equivalent of empty calories to me. The bagels of love. I don't want that.


I can't hate on this guy that much. At least he has command of the English language.

Do you live a secret life? Are you the type of female that no one would ever suspect to fuck strangers? Do you like to lose control with someone you dont know? Do you get wet even on the drive over to their house because of the excitement?

If you answered yes to any of these questions you may be a sex addict. My cock is the cure. Email me.

The only thing is... I don't think he's being sarcastic.


Ladies and gentlemen... The men of CraigsList! They're here all week.