A Little Weirdness for Your Saturday Night

I am not entirely sure why this guy decided that he'd IM me again after I hadn't responded the first time, but luckily for all of us, he caught me when I was sitting at my computer. Here are some choice snippets from our conversation.

Mistaken Identity
HolyMexicoBatman: do you speak spanish as well?
Me: nope
HolyMexicoBatman: don`t mind if i became in your spanish tutor..
HolyMexicoBatman: hey it will be a great aventure to have one beautiful spanish girl as an estudent

Nowhere in my profile does it say I'm Spanish; not even a tiny bit. If people do try to guess my ethnicity, it's usually Irish because I have blue eyes. They don't even guess Italian and that's what I am.

Leaps of Cognizance
HolyMexicoBatman: are you seeing someone at this point?
Me: not at the moment
HolyMexicoBatman: mmmmm are you ready to letting a mexican to treat you like a princess
Me: i'm not sure.
HolyMexicoBatman: hey... remember spring and a lot of rain is coming..
HolyMexicoBatman: won`t you be gladd to have a big sombrero as an umbrella

Were I not single, would I be on a dating website? If a tree falls in the woods, but no one was around, would it make a sound?

Cyrano? Please Let It Be Cyrano
HolyMexicoBatman: ...wish i could find some one like you
HolyMexicoBatman: so on a good beautiful nite with a brightfull moon serenate you
HolyMexicoBatman: and of course to admire the splendid beauty of yours?

My outer beauty is only eclipsed by my inner beauty...and my penchant for posting the ridiculous things men say on my website.

Non Sequitur FTW!
HolyMexicoBatman: what was for breakfast today?
Me: yogurt
HolyMexicoBatman: mmmmm yummy..
HolyMexicoBatman: then you`ll must be a sweet lady
HolyMexicoBatman: possibly
HolyMexicoBatman: love to experience that while having my senses together

WHAT?! I am so confused. Maybe he'll start making sense at some point...

No, Wait; Still Confused
HolyMexicoBatman: when will be my lucky day when a girl like you go out with me on a date..
HolyMexicoBatman: lots of ice cream in the middle of the green meadow..
HolyMexicoBatman: just a though!!

I guess not...though now I'm having visions of hillocks made of mint ice cream. Or green mochi. Mmm...green tea mochi...

I Long for Thee, My Pendulous Parakeet

My desktop is technically my gaming machine, so I generally have my headphones plugged in so that when I'm chatting on Ventrilo with my other WoW delinquents, I'm not bothering the neighbors on the other side of my wall. The upshot of this is that when I'm not gaming, I tend to not have my headphones on and thus I don't always hear when someone IMs me.

Luckily for me, my lack of a response didn't particularly bother this gentleman:

(7:23:13 pm): im impressed by your beauty
(7:23:23 pm): so natural.. how about your heart!!
(7:23:38 pm): hope you have a very humble heart
(7:25:01 pm): i want to conquer that heart of yours sexy butterfly
(7:25:34 pm): just wondering do you speak another language
(7:25:36 pm): ?
(7:26:54 pm): that smile that cat and that humbleness of yours makes me understand the need to admire you
(7:27:01 pm): sincerely..
(7:27:14 pm): again thanks for being one beautiful girl..
(7:27:34 pm): and please have a great night of good relaxing sleep
(7:27:51 pm): adios bellissima principessa

For the record, because his profile mentioned he's Latino and that he doesn't have the best English, I asked my BFF how to say "sexy butterfly" in Spanish just to see if maybe, maybe it just didn't translate well.

No dice, but this is pretty hot...

(source: http://tattoos.niima.us/tag/butterfly-tattoo/page/2)

...so thank you, Google, for that.

Goofus and Gallant, Rotten Fish Style

Gentlemen, in the same vein as this video, I present a couple of rules regarding how to maintain a girl's interest.

Rule #1: Be interesting.
Rule #2: Be intelligent.
Rule #3: Don't be uninteresting.

Case in point:

Me: what do you do now?
Exhibit A: i'm making concertinas, in a small three-person workshop.
Me: what is a concertina?
Me: a little concert?
Exhibit A: a little accordion -- the little hexagonal ones they took on sailing ships
Me: you are building little accordions.
Me: that is oddly fascinating. why, pray tell, are you making concertinas?
Exhibit A: well, it just follows naturally from politics, don't you think?
Me: obviously a direct link between politics and obscure musical instruments.

...versus...

Exhibit B: u like the band linking park?
Me: i do.
Exhibit B: there great live
Exhibit B: saw them with matalica and they took the consort

I rest my case.

An Unusual Fetish (ad nauseum)

IveGotaFetish: Hey there
Me: hello
IveGotaFetish: Any guesses about my username?
Me: not a clue.
IveGotaFetish: Do you have a BP cuff?
Me: not at the moment.
IveGotaFetish: Do you know how to use one?
Me: probably not correctly.
IveGotaFetish: Are you willing to explore a somewhat unusual fetish?
Me: that usually depends on the fetish.
IveGotaFetish: I've got a nurse / BP fetish ;-)
IveGotaFetish: Would you be willing to talk about it / explore it on Yahoo or Skype?

As with most fetishes, it's not what the fetish actually is, but how the guy wants to bring it up immediately. I'm a pretty open person, but it does require a certain level of trust which I'm not sure I have with someone who...well...IMs me out of the blue wanting to talk about blood pressure cuffs and nurses.

From his profile:

Mainly just looking for a nice girl to help me explore, both through chat AND some roleplay, my rather unusual fetish. I don't really know why anyone would want to explore a fetish without some level of activity involving said fetish...... To me that's like wanting to travel the world by looking at a map. I really don't get that but whatever. I do want to learn more about it. I would also like to have some enjoyment (by way of roleplaying) during this exploration.

On the other hand, he seems almost too cerebral to even have a fetish. I get this vibe that he figures he should have a fetish, so he picked one and...now wants to explore it. Like a convert to a new religion who isn't quite sure what the rules are yet.

Pre-Marital Hanky Panky!

Him: when was your last realtionship
Me: guy i was sorta dating just decided yesterday that he wanted to be just friends, actually.
Me: but it hadn't been going on that long.
Him: awww
Him: so wasnt' a long term?
Me: no
Him: when was last relationship
Me: ended jan 2009
Him: wow, so no hanky panky for almost a year?

I can't decide which of the following is the worst part:

1. That he assumes "hanky panky" only happens within the confines of a serious relationship (or at least that it does for the womenfolk).
2. That he thinks a year is a long time to go without "hanky panky."
3. That he used the phrase "hanky panky" unironically.
4. That Jan 2009 to now is "almost a year."
5. That he lives in a world where that is an appropriate question to ask someone he's just met and is considering dating.

The Later It Gets, the Less Likely I Am to Change Out of My PJs

I wish I could say that there was some sort of preamble to this instant message, but he immediately hit me with this:

FLguy: wana hang out tonight?
Me: i'm sorry, what?
FLguy: hang out

Yes, yes, get to the point. It's not that I don't understand, it's that I don't understand.

Me: i imagine not.
FLguy: imagination is a state of mind
Me: indeed.

Translation: I get it; you are very deep.

FLguy: are you here for something serious
Me: generally, yes.
FLguy: we can have something non serious for one night

Deep like a FOX...er...no, wait.

Me: I doubt it.
FLguy: haha
FLguy: you have a good sense of putting things in perspective

It's one of my skillz; unfortunately, my skillz set does not include making weirdos go away. It was at this point that I had checked his profile and saw he was a native of Gainesville, FL.

Me: and strangely enough, i doubt i'd make it to florida and back in one night.
FLguy: i am in philly right now
Me: ah, i see.
FLguy: not gonna make you travle so far :)
FLguy: that would be rude on my part
Me: lol
FLguy: I am not as bad as you think :)
Me: i really have no opinion of you except that you randomly popped up and asked me to hang out

Which, I might add, is pretty frickin' bad, actually.

FLguy: well we can talk on phone a bit and if you like we can hang out else not
FLguy: and if you dont feel like giving your number you can call the hotel and ask for my room
Me: as tempting as that all is, i still have to be up early for work.

Sarcasm: Refuge of the Amadei since...whenever it is she learned to speak.

FLguy: its still early right now..I will drop you off

At this point, it was about quarter to 9pm. Even if I were the kind of girl to randomly meet someone at his hotel, it certainly wouldn't be after 9pm on a Wednesday.

Me: lol
Me: if your hotel's in philly, it's probably an hour from where i am anyway.
FLguy: whats your zip
FLguy: I am in sheraton near the airport if you know where that is
Me: yeah, that's like an hour.
FLguy: oh I am sorry
FLguy: i dont have a car not do I know anything abt here
Me: i'm pretty much on the other side of the city. kinda.

He doesn't have a car, but he said earlier in the conversation that he'd drop me off, so that leaves me to consider the idea that he a) is Superman, b) has a broomstick, or c) is lying about something.

FLguy: you could leave from here

I could...wait, what?

Me: ha ha
FLguy: we can have breakfast here at the hotel in the morning
Me: i find that all very unlikely.

BECAUSE I AM NOT INSANE.

FLguy: your words are amusing
Me: i'm glad you're amused.
FLguy: sometimes
FLguy: but its boring here
FLguy: cant you make a one time exception to travel here
FLguy: its going to be a good company
Me: exception to what?

I really wanted him to say something like "to your rule of not having sex with random guys on the Internet," but I was unfortunately not given that little fun gem.

FLguy: to hang out
Me: considering i have to get up at 6am to be at work at 7am, i'm not inclined to meet with some random person who's here for one night only.

Or at all, really, but I was trying to drive the point home.

FLguy: my sister lives in NJ so I come here sometimes
Me: ah.
FLguy: yea
FLguy: and you are always welcome to come to florida
FLguy: anytime :)

Because him having a sister in NJ and me being welcome in FL makes me meeting him at his hotel so much less creepy.

Me: what is in gainesville?
FLguy: umm good springs and beaches are close by
FLguy: i have a car there so it wont be any problme going around
FLguy: lol
FLguy: i am an open book so
FLguy: i like you to be honest
FLguy: you have been very sweet and without any attitude
FLguy:which is not common
Me: lol thanks

Translation: I've been planning this blog post since the first thing you said.

FLguy: we can go for a drink if you like
FLguy: i wana see some places before i leave philly
Me: i'm pretty sure i'm in for the night.

Time check: It is now 9:15pm.

FLguy: philly girls are weird
FLguy: i dont know
FLguy: completely different experience
Me: lol how so?
FLguy: well they will talk to you and you might think they would hang out or so
FLguy: and in the end its "I am too tired, its very late"
FLguy: thats what I heard last time
FLguy: there is not point in being good and sweet anymore and wasting time
FLguy: it doesnt lead to anything

I don't think I gave him any indication that it could possibly lead to anything, but hey, maybe we're having two different conversations.

Me: i don't generally hang out with anyone the first time talking to them.
FLguy: everyone is different in its own way
Me: indeed
FLguy: its not that late come on
Me: it is that late.

A sentiment I feel I have made abundantly clear during the tenure of our conversation.

Me: and i just don't randomly meet people offline for one night.
FLguy: but I dont have any other choice
FLguy: else I would have stayed here
Me: i am failing to see how that affects me at all.
FLguy: its alright
FLguy: it doesn
FLguy: i am just wasting my time I think
Me: hm. good thought.

I mean, seriously. He had talked to me for over an hour at this point and I still wasn't leaping into my car, so...

FLguy: you can feel good abt yourself right n ow
FLguy: but karma is always fair to everyone
FLguy: so it will your turn someday
Me: i doubt that karma will think that i am a bad person for not going out on a work night to meet up with a random guy at his hotel.
FLguy: well thats not the point
FLguy: but your statement was rude
FLguy: last one
Me: hm.

You heard it here first--because I didn't pay it forward and just whip on down to the Airport Sheraton, karma is going to bite me in the ass especially as I've uttered a rude statement. But FLguy wasn't finished waxing philosophical.

FLguy: if you meet a stranger anywhere, is that the first time or you have met themin some previous life too
Me: yes, but if i meet someone in, say, the mall, i can already see that they are perhaps not an axe murderer whereas random people on the internet could be completely different from how
FLguy: I mean you girls say it all the time " I dont meet strangers or I dont talk to them"..are you girls born here with friends

HE HAS FIGURED US ALL OUT, LADIES! The reason we need to go to the bathroom in groups is because we're born with all the friends we'll ever have and WE CANNOT RISK LOSING ONE.

Me: and really none of that trumps that i have to be at work at 7am.

Which, strangely enough, is really all I was trying to get him to acknowledge. It became almost like a game. But let's move on from philosophy to criminal justice:

FLguy: well then you need to put more attention to the current events
FLguy: most of the victims are not from online
FLguy:but from someone who knew them very closely
Me: lol
FLguy: go watch forensic files on tru tv
FLguy: it will give you some idea on what basis most cases are based
FLguy: and its not some bullshit like CSI
FLguy: its a 100% true event
Me: i've seen it.
FLguy: oh
FLguy: i thought most of you girls only watch what lindsey lohan is doing or which club paris hilton is going to
FLguy: i didnt know some of you actually watch those kind of "boring" shows
Me: ha ha. very funny.

After that, I didn't really feel inspired to talk with him anymore.

IRMEDD420 IV: A New Hope

So, my buddy IRMEDD420 has reappeared with a different username. I got a notification that someone had added me to his favorites list, so I clicked on the profile. The picture wasn't familiar, but when I saw what town he lives in, plus the line, "unfortunately i have no car at the moment and i realize that can be very unattractive," I knew...I just knew.

Then later in his profile he says, "my last profile was caps and surprisingly a fair amount of people actually care about the most pedantic shit." No, my darling; we just don't enjoy being yelled at.

Then there was this:

IRMEDD420: hello
Me: hello.
IRMEDD420: you are beautiful

It's like he doesn't remember calling me a snooty bitch. Amazing.

Best Proposition I've Heard All Day, Though...

A 26-year-old from London, England asks...

PossibleMooch: hi, can i ask you something crazy?
Me: sure.
PossibleMooch: could i come stay with you for a while?
Me: i very much doubt it. why?
PossibleMooch: im just trying to get out of london, and find work
PossibleMooch: abroad
PossibleMooch: ok nevermind

I checked out his profile and while not entirely complete, and his only picture shows nothing of what he looks like, he doesn't come off as particularly weird until the part that says, "Also, if you want an EU visa I'm up for marriage - apartment exchanges."

Does that mean if you give him an apartment, he'll marry you?

Me: this may be a silly question, but what prompted you to ask me in particular?
PossibleMooch: well, you seem like you're fairly together, a fairly strong woman
PossibleMooch: maybe not prone to crazniess, but with gererous inclincations
Me: ah. fair enough.

So, ah, yeah...that was odd.

Non Sequitur FTW!

This guy's IMed me several times during the past year, though it stalls out every time after the initial pleasantries.

Him: what r u up to?
Me: not much. reading a book.
Him: what s the name?
Me: anna karenina
Him: u speak arabic

Er, what?

I checked his profile. According to it, he speaks English and French. Perhaps he's thinking of that other Leo Tolstoy--the one who was based in Iran...you know. He wrote that really awesome book, War and Not a Lot of Peace.

Then again, his follow up to asking if I speak Arabic was to ask if I was single which I think is a little weird considering it's a dating website and my profile says I'm single.

Him: your smile melted me

And on that note, I'm going to take this little pile of red flags and run away screaming into the night.

As seen on TV.

I did a silly thing and subscribed for another month of Match.com. It was at 25% off. I like a sale.


Anyway. This was the first email I got. Let us bear in mind that my age limit is 38, and this man is 47, first of all.

wow......................I think if you saw me in person you'd say woaw,he's attr. & in good shape though a triathalon is just the kind of fitness level I lack,elyptical,bowflex,etc,I am usually occupied in...my muse would be appealing to me,as I have a 1200 sq. ft. gym in my home,perhaps I can entice you with one day,however,I liked your ad & I think, feel ,demonstrate & represent a much younger and energetic gentlman,generally I enjoy the company af a younger gal,as my stamina & endurance are a drive only the young can appreciate,so love your attitude & look....call me sweetie and lets see how well we relate to one another.Peter two three seven ninety sixty one,so b n touch

My thoughts:

1) This is the absolute worst form message I've ever seen.

2) Wow, way to make this all about you. Your overly-inflated ego is so hot.

3) "Entice" me with your gym? Thanks for calling me fat.

4) Yes, that is his phone number. I don't even care anymore.

5) His profile picture looks like it was taken at Sears Portrait Studio, and he has a pornstache.


Upon viewing his profile, more nuggets of fabulousness.

1) The headline: "ISO sexy moxie cosmo jib.I'm most interested in the person,their experience,their outlook,and the depth of their compassion,integrity." ...pardon?

2) He signed his message with "Peter," but says his name is "Bill" in the profile text.

3) He stresses how much he would like to video chat with women he meets.

4) The words "zestful mensch" are used.

5) I really think I saw a Dateline NBC special on this guy, and he's a con man. Just sayin'.


The real problem here? Deciding what witty remark I shall use in reply.

Sexy Lips

June 4, 2010
Random: sexy lips
Me: i'm sorry?

July 18, 2010
Random: sexy lips
Me: i'm sorry; what?

At least he's consistent with his openings.

Random: lol
Random: sexy lips
Me: o...kay.
Random: o.... sorry next time i will say no wonder your single.

You heard it here first. It's no wonder I'm single because I don't respond favorably when a person IMs me with nothing but an adjective+body part.

Me: i'm not the one who randomly IMs people with strange phrases without context.
Random: and i am not the one who gets all you can eat buffets closed down

A veritable bastion of class and maturity, this one.

I messaged him back that he was the one who messaged me first, but alas, he'd already signed off. For shame.

Sexual Fantasies: The New Icebreaker

Super Hero: hi
Me: hi

Classic!

Super Hero: so here is a question as far as an icebreaker lol
Me: okay.
Super Hero: hypothetically...
Super Hero: would a guy with a fantasy out of a comicbook be too geeky? lol

LOL, I don't know, LOL. But, hey, my profile says I read too much and play World of Warcraft, so obviously being "too geeky" is a huge concern.

Me: i suppose it would depend on the comic book and what the fantasy was.
Super Hero: oh I see lol
Super Hero: mine would probably make you laugh lol
Me: would it?
Super Hero: well lets just say I like a strong type of woman with a bit of a dominant side lol

But who is it, man?! Is it Wonder Woman or Catwoman? Were any of the Lanterns women? Is it some obscure comic book character no one's ever heard of but you?

Oh, wait, I know. It's Dr. Manhattan, isn't it? You coy sonovabitch.

Me: that's very descriptive.
Super Hero: true vague enough though so as not to be blushing ;-)

Sigh. I need to get my sarcasm notifier re-tuned.

And, no, even in the course of the rest of the conversation, I never found out which comic book fantasy was his; he just apologized profusely for some insult he thinks he gave me, but I couldn't quite figure out.

IRMEDD420 III: The Curse of IRMEDD420

I love it when I have repeat offenders.

Keep in mind that the conversation to this point has been him calling me "baby," then telling me which of the pictures on my profile he liked the best.

IRMEDD420: so you arent interested eh?
Me: should i be?
IRMEDD420: i think you should wanna go out
IRMEDD420: :)
Me: why's that?
IRMEDD420: b/c as i said your sexy

Apparently, the gentleman thinks that mama raised a fool. I did attempt to clarify, though...

Me: i should want to go out with you because you said i'm sexy?
IRMEDD420: lol

But, but, but isn't that what he just implied? It's times like these when I question my own reading comprehension.

IRMEDD420: uh i would hope you'd be attracted to me as well?
Me: so i should go out with you because you said i'm sexy and you hope i'd be attracted to you?

All I'm looking for is an answer--a simple, succinct answer...

IRMEDD420: listen...do you meet many people here?

Apparently, he thinks he's Socrates: "I will answer your question by asking you a question."

Me: a fair amount, i'd say.

This is a lie. In the year I've frequented OKCupid, I have met a grand total of four men. I wonder why that could possibly be.

IRMEDD420: how? when you try tp be all superior and act bitchy?
IRMEDD420: damn

Oh, right. That's why.

Me: i'm just trying to make sure i understand what you're asking!

That's a lie, too. I be trollin', I be hatin'...

IRMEDD420: just cause your sexy doesnt mean you can act pretentious
Me: why not?
IRMEDD420: seriously?

Me: how can you even question my seriousness?

IRMEDD420: b/c its okc aND WE HAVE NO inflection WE JUST TYPE

Me: fair enough.

They be hatin'...on my trollin'...

IRMEDD420:well i got other women dieing to abuse me lol
Me: i am sure.

Oh, you wanted an argument? I'm sorry; this is abuse. You'll want room 12A.

IRMEDD420:go be all snooty by your lonesome bitch

Somehow, I'm pretty sure that a couple of AAs and my right hand will give me more satisfaction than he ever could.

I Don't Want Clever Conversation, Never Want to Work that Hard

Silly me thinking I could turn on the OKCupid IM client and think that someone worth talking to would IM me. The first guy said, and I quote

Him: sexy lips
Me: i'm sorry?

He didn't say anything more after that, but I checked out his profile, and it says, "My perfect match would be someone who can keep up with me , someone smart, fit, cute, playful and driven... resulting in a very strong power couple :)"

Just the phrase "resulting in a very strong power couple" disturbs me deep within to the cockles of my heart.

The second guy just started off with this onslaught:

Hi, my name is [redacted] and i'm a good guy with a big heart. I am looking for someone who like to held hands, go for walks, out to dinner, see a movie, or spend a night dancing. I am looking for someone who likes affection and wants me to make her feel special.

While I am not opposed to any of those activities, it's a lot of information on one IM, right? But he continued...

Dude: i like you
Dude: i want to meet you and hang out with you and go uot with you
Dude: as a friend and a girlfriend to date me

I really have not the words. This is getting a little too hot and heavy for me too quickly. Next!

Feets: i have got backpain today
Me: that's no good! why?
Feets: been on the chair for long time
Me: ah
Feets: ur feet r free the now ?
Me: my feet?
Feets: yeah
Me: they aren't in shoes, if that's what you mean. lol
Feets: lol
Feets: no
Feets: i nee dur feet to trample my back

What...what? Okay, I am so over this. I don't care that it's not even nine o'clock yet. I am SO going to bed.

A Brief Conversation

Me: "My name is mike....I read ur bio and I liked it..Seemed really honest.....I just joined match 5 hours ago and trying it out....lol....Lets see I am fun and funny and nice..... .....I have not posted pics due to a strict workplace deal ..However If u want I can send a few to u .. I look good too !!
Ur job is close to what I do....I am on the phone alot and work in sales....Do u like ur job ??"
Heather: reply with, "ugh, stop. just stop."
Me: i should reply with "that's nothing like my job."
Heather: "it's like my job in that involves a phone. like many jobs."
Me: except for the part where i hardly use my phone. that part may be key.
Heather: but you have one, right? it's so the same.
Heather: at least he's not a prostitute. or maybe that'd be better.
Me: a prostitute might know what he's doing...

I also prefer men who don't abbreviate three letter words, but now I'm just being picky.

It's also a little weird that he called me honest because I'm pretty sure he's messaged me before today, despite having joined match only five hours ago.

He needs a reality check. STAT!

From the Department of Downright Awful Pickup Lines at PlentyofFish...


My heart problem has reached a
critical stage.
That doctor says:
There r only 2 options left…
ICU

Or

U C Me.

I am Sherif, 32, what you think?


Well, Sherif. I think a few things.

1) That's one of the top ten worst lines I've ever heard. So congratulations on that.

2) "U C Me" is not an actual medical term. If it were, I might think this was cute. No...no, wait. I still wouldn't.

3) You're 32 years old. If you don't want to be the old, skeevy guy at the bar, wearing a leisure suit and hitting on women half his age...you'll stop the script now.

One more thing.

4) No.

Quickie

After the normal pleasantries...

Him: cute
Me: ?
Him: cute pics
Me: thank you.
Him: u dont get good comments on ur butt??

Come again say what?

Too Much Honesty, Part V: What the...?

I probably should have figured that if I spent any time at all with my OKCupid IM client on, he would have IMed me again, but it didn't really cross my mind. Thus, he popped up again last night:

Honest: you are rather lovely
Me: thank you.

I was seriously reading this with one eyebrow glued to the ceiling.

Honest: will we ever get to meet?
Me: beats me.
Honest: hahah
Honest: because i'd love to have you :)

I'd like to believe that this is really one of you readers out there screwing around with me, but as he started IMing me before Heather and I conceived the idea for this blog, I'm left with the unfortunate conclusion that he honestly thinks this is going to get me to meet with him.

At any rate, I signed off last night and fell asleep. Today, when I signed on, I didn't realize that the IM client was still running when I got another message:


Honest: hello :)
Me: hallo.
Honest: how are you, my sweet cake?

Quick interjection: "My sweet cake?" I'm not as anti-pet names as Heather is, but don't you have to have had some sort of relationship above hi-how-are-you-wanna-make-out before you get into them?

Me: i suppose i'm alright.
Honest: wanna makeout?
Me: with you? no.
Honest: oh, why not

That little "oh" made me feel like I had just kicked a puppy.

Me: because it is undeniably creepy that every time you IM me, you jump straight to making out/making love/whatever.
Honest: wow
Me: wow?
Honest: well i think you being so closed off is creepy, bye

Who wants to start a betting pool as to when the next time he'll message me is? Anyone?

Briefs. Not like underwear.

Some excerpts from the past few days.


whaaa: hi
whaaa: lets talking

Well. I know I can talk. You, however... I'm not so sure about.


adjectiveguy: 3 words for me: Creative, Passionate, Dominant
me: um...good?
adjectiveguy: And youre how affectionate, quiet warm submissive
me: no, no, and no.
adjectiveguy: Ok take care then

This man clearly did not read my profile. Actually, he told me so much prior to this, and also tried to convince me writing about oneself is a "creative exercise." Except...it's an autobiography... Well, he's creative. I guess he'd know.


This one's fun. We'd been talking for approximately five minutes before this.

overzealous: may be we could go out sometime
me: you're a little young for me.
overzealous: am 20 is that going to be a problem its not for me
me: it's a little young.
overzealous: so its not gonna work ur saying right
me: well it might not work for a number of reasons, but that's not helping.
overzealous: can u tell me what will so i can do it

Why do men do this? Why do they assume every conversation is going to lead to a relationship? They can't just get to know a woman. It's so frustrating.

me: ...no. we don't know each other.
overzealous: we are getting there right
me: not...really.
overzealous: why not
me: you're getting a little ahead of yourself.
overzealous: with what
me: even asking if it would work out. if WHAT would work out? we're just talking.
overzealous: getting to know u, ok am sorry i maybe was alittle over my head

Yes, and getting to know me doesn't "work out" or "not work out." It's a neutral entity. I...don't understand.

overzealous: lets jus take this slow and get to know each other
me: how about we just TALK and not assume we need to take anything slowly?

Oy. Then he asked if he could call me later.

me: I don't give out my number after 10 minutes.
overzealous: ok ur jus giving me a hard time thats good cause nothing thats good comes easy
me: if you're going to say crap like that, it's not going to come at all.

He's tried to IM me four times since. Clearly he got the hint.

And this one's just amusing. I enjoy a good ellipsis. Frequently. And he noticed.

grammarpolice: u like using dots
me: except that's not what they're called.
grammarpolice: ?
me: ellipsis. the correct term is ellipsis.
grammarpolice: well sorry im not "intellectual" enough for u
me: I...don't recall saying that.
grammarpolice: o...k
me: that isn't quite the correct usage, but...uh, cool.

Too Much Honesty, Part IV: Are You Curious About the Epilogue?

There I was, minding my own business, when an IM window popped up.

Honest: hi
Me: hello.
Honest: how are you? :D
Me: good & yourself?
Honest: well :D
Me: good to hear!
Honest: :D

Considering we parted on not so friendly terms last time, I was wary. Then I remembered that this man has the memory span of an epileptic goldfish and knew I'd probably, at the very least, get a post out the conversation.

Honest: mmmmmmmmmmmm
Me: mmm?
Honest: mmhmm
Me: is that a happy mmm?
Honest: mmhmm
Honest: wanna make out

It's like death, taxes, and my friend Honest. I am curious to know if this ploy has every worked for him in the jefftyjeff years he's been using it. I decided, however, to go the clueless route.

Me: that would be somewhat difficult considering we're on two ends of a computer.
Honest: well i meant would you like to
Me: in general, yes, i am a fan of making out. with you specifically, i do not know.
Honest: hmmm :p
Me: just bein' honest!
Honest: no need to explain <3

It occurred to me during this last conversation that I've been assuming this whole time that he doesn't remember that he talked to me before, but what if he's thinking the same thing about me? What if he thinks I don't remember us ever talking before? What if it's like some sort of Möbius strip of me thinking he doesn't remember me him thinking I don't remember him me thinking he doesn't remember me?

I'm still voting for MPD, though.

Edit: Oh, and I almost completely forgot to mention! I checked OKCupid's IM logs and apparently he's IMed me not once, but TWICE when I was away from the computer in the past month. Bizarre.