Plato Was Sexy, However...

Okay, so this isn't really a Rotten Fish, but it's from a Craigslist ad, it made me giggle, and we haven't updated in a while, so I'm sharing it with you.

I found this under the "strictly platonic" section of the Atlanta Craigslist:

Lets Stay Warm Tonite! Sexy Black Fem Seeking Sexy Black Fem! - w4w - 27 (EastSide)
Sexy and Single Black Fem is looking for her cuddle buddy!... Its getting cold outside, but we can stay in and make some good heat! I want to make this a 1 on 1.... No BBW please.
I want to hear from you tonite! Im in the Lithonia/Stn Mtn area! Put WARM PUSSY in the subject line. SO I know that you are real. Talk to you soon!~

For the reason why this is hilarious, please see this Wikipedia entry. I'll be here at home, snuggling my cat.

Fables.

And now it's time for Tales From My OkCupid Inbox!


This was a missed IM.

you look mad in your pics lol

I'm not mad in them. But what if I were, and you were "lol" at me and my feelings, you insensitive bastard?


I don't think some people realize that IMs are not like answering machines.

good evening. i enjoyed reading through your profile and would like to chat with you. i hope you are having a fantastic weekend thus far, and I look forward to hearing from you soon! :)

You've sent me an IM. We're chatting. In fact, generally people respond right away, given the concept of instant messaging. But if you insist...next time leave a callback number.


But if you're going to IM me with this, and only this:

?

...just give up.


Finally we have... Well, I find this indescribable.

have a random 'fable'

The Eggbanana and the molecule of vitamin B12.

Once there was an Eggbanana overwintering in a
gingko tree in Chicago. It was accosted by a molecule
of vitamin B12 who said "I am a molecule of vitamin B12".
The Eggbanana prompty ate the molecule.

Immoral of the story: Be wary of grains of cumin, for they may try to sell you Cheese Insurance.

Can someone explain this to me? Is there something funny here that I'm missing? At last check, eggs and bananas can't mate, ginkgo trees don't grow in Chicago, and molecules of B12 don't talk. Then again, I live on Earth - a place with which this man does not seem familiar.


I think the next entry will tackle the Holy Grail of all dating sites - PlentyOfFish.

A Surefire Way to Impress the Lady

I don't normally hold with making two posts in the same day, but this one literally fell into my lap, so here it is.

Having decided at almost the last minute to go to the movies, I received an IM on OKC. As I was literally getting up to leave my apartment, I closed the browser and went on my merry way.

I saw Mao's Last Dancer--if it's playing near you, go see it; it was great.

When I came home, I decided to check my OKC account as I haven't been getting e-mails when people message me recently. Imagine my delight when I saw that I did, in fact, have a message.

Unfortunately for me, it was just informing me that I'd missed a second IM from the guy I'd closed my browser on:

Well this has been stimulating. I feel like I really know you now. I hate long goodbyes... but i really have to go :'(

Yes, sir. Woo me with your sarcasm.

I can assume you're not fat.

Oh CraigsList...

This ad starts off just fine.

I am 28 year old SWM, never married no kids. Often told that I’m very attractive and believe so myself. Shorter brown hair, blue eyes, 6’3” 225, athletic build. I’m confident, intelligent, pragmatic, honest, and real. I am as far from your standard regular old guy as you could possibly imagine. I like being different, and unique and definitely am both. I’m very social and outgoing, can get by in just about any situation, and talk to any people. I do not smoke, do not do any drugs, and currently am on hiatus from drinking but will be back at it soon. I do like to party and be crazy, but I am also a very responsible professional. I own my own house and business for example.

I am in to a million different hobbies/activities including but by no means limited to mountain biking, hiking, camping, high pointing, surfing, snowboarding, fishing, shooting, working out, jogging, golf, brewing beer, wine, gardening, cooking, going to the movies, making movies, video games, Real Estate, astronomy, psychology, my hot tub and more (yes this is purposely random and as you can see a comprehensive list just to name a few!). I’m very in to sports and watch baseball and football religiously (Yankees and Patriots!!), along with a few others.

Okay, maybe a little cocky. But he's just selling himself, so whatever. Nothing too reprehensible.

But then...

I’d like to find a woman who enjoys some of my interests to share with me, yet is very independent with her own friends, own interests, and would not need to spend every waking moment with me. Being clingy or dependent is very much a turnoff to me. I need someone who is fun to be around and can hold intellectual stimulating conversations; Standard talk about “how was work today” and “what your brother Billy did this weekend” will not cut it or get us very far! A Potential partner must not smoke, must not have kids or former relationship drama, and should like to drink socially and party hard on occasion. Own car a must, legitimate job or at least self-supporting a must, and own place would be a plus. I’m not looking to support anyone and will not.

Oh. Well. What I read here is, "I attract women that are boring gold-diggers who can't take care of themselves." Darling, you must take a long, hard look at yourself to figure out why that is...

Age is not super important to me but for ease of use let’s say 23 to 35. Finally, call me shallow if you want but this person I’m looking for must be attractive. Height and weight are most important 5-6 to 5-11 being ideal with a fit, lean body (I am a boob man too though). NO FAT WOMEN: since when did it become socially acceptable for so many overweight people to be boisterous about their body?! Pretty face and longer hair (no tom boy cuts) also required. So, yes, for a relationship I’m looking for an 8 or 9 or better to match me.

It all makes sense now. You're stuck with those horrible women because you're a horrible man.

And regarding the part I bolded... REALLY?! Since when did it become socially acceptable to be a demanding, self-righteous, narrow-minded prick? Hmm?

I don’t have much time or desire to go out to the clubs or bars to find women so let’s see how this works out. Send a full body picture with your message just so I can assume you’re not fat. Then let’s talk and meet up, maybe enjoy a dinner together, or just drinks in the hot tub and see where it goes from there!

Should I send him random pictures of fat women from a Google image search? I bet he'd like that.

Fucker.

Hiatus Schmiatus.

It's been a while. But as Amadei said, just because we end up finding a few quality folks, that doesn't actually mean the bad ones go away. I bring you proof, in the form of messages I've received over the past few weeks.


I ignored this guy's IM because he called me "sweetie," which I can't fucking stand. And he replied with:

you can still get it

Well, that's great, but I don't want it, obviously. Thanks.


This message came via the "IceBreaker" feature on OKCupid, which stated we both liked "technology."

Hello fellow technophile.

Oh. Well. That's a riveting conversation-starter. What's my reply? "Hello"? Wow, we're really getting to know one another here...


This guy is 19. I think that's all that needs to be said.

I Challenge your sexy ass to a duel girl, Btw beautiful if your a blazer like me and appreciate bud then we should totally chill cause I just picked up an ounce the other night and I could always use another smoking buddy. I may not be God but I can make Kool-Aid out of water pce

A) What are we dueling over?
B) Pretty sure I make it clear that I'm SOBER. More than once.
C) That last line is just...all kinds of fail.


This one comes courtesy a man with a blank profile. My favorite.

If I filled a hot tub with whipped cream, would you grab your bathing suit and join me in it?

Um. Is this a kink of which I'm not familiar? Did he have a stroke of genius and decide this would be an awesome pick-up line? I mean, it got me to reply. Basically to say, "WTF, yo?" But, uh...what?


Yep. They're still out there.

Sexy Lips

June 4, 2010
Random: sexy lips
Me: i'm sorry?

July 18, 2010
Random: sexy lips
Me: i'm sorry; what?

At least he's consistent with his openings.

Random: lol
Random: sexy lips
Me: o...kay.
Random: o.... sorry next time i will say no wonder your single.

You heard it here first. It's no wonder I'm single because I don't respond favorably when a person IMs me with nothing but an adjective+body part.

Me: i'm not the one who randomly IMs people with strange phrases without context.
Random: and i am not the one who gets all you can eat buffets closed down

A veritable bastion of class and maturity, this one.

I messaged him back that he was the one who messaged me first, but alas, he'd already signed off. For shame.

Feline fail.

I have pictures my of cat on my profile, like all aspiring crazy cat ladies should. And I mention in there that she's 14 and my best friend. Because it's true.

I got this message earlier.

hey i had my cat for like 11years now

Well, that's great. It really is. But what's your cat's name? What's he/she like? Come on, now. I call my cat my best friend in my profile. That means I want to hear everything.

Something's wrong with you when you can't even pick up a woman who spends all her time with her cat. Just sayin'.