An Unusual Fetish, Take Two (and Call Me in the Morning)

I'm in England. I should be sleeping having spent most of my day walking around Stratford-upon-Avon, not checking my OKC account, but sometimes I just can't help myself. I don't even know what possessed me to even type in the address in my browser.

Imagine my surprise (or complete lack thereof) to find a message from this guy and his desire to discuss his fetish only this time, he's a little more quick to the point:

Hey there! How are you? Do you have a BP cuff? Would you like to talk on Yahoo/Skype?

Because, as a friend of mine said, "Yeah, I totally have a blood pressure cuff. Who doesn't?" I could hear the sarcasm across the Atlantic Ocean.

But what really gets me is that the guy is from North Carolina. I'm (usually) in Pennsylvania. We're not particularly well matched on OKC's rating system. How the heck did he find me twice?

Literacy: A Lost Art.

I'm off from work today and managed to get all my errands done before noon (trust me, no one's more surprised about that than I am). So I'm just hanging around, watching a little Maury, waiting for the throngs of eligible men to send me messages.

But instead...I get this.

ykantireed: nice hair color
me: uh... thanks?
ykantireed: u welcome

Seriously, that's your opening line? Okay.

me: is...that all you have to say?
ykantireed: not really u cute too
me: okay then.
ykantireed: what do u do for fun?
me: did you read my profile or just look at the pictures?
ykantireed: no i did nor read your profile
ykantireed: nice lips

There are few things that annoy me more than a conversation based solely upon superficial observations. Superficial observations about anything. Small talk about the weather; statements such as "I like pie"; or a man's pathetic attempts to compliment my appearance, thinking that earns them points in my arbitrary scoring system. This is even more bothersome in the context of online dating, when I've typed multiple paragraphs of candid information about myself, so that a potential mate may learn something about me before initiating a conversation. This does not happen.

me: nice to know I put the effort into writing that just so it can be ignored.
ykantireed: i see u write a lot ab out your self
me: yeah, so I can avoid being asked stupid questions. it obviously doesn't accomplish that.
ykantireed: that's true

You're agreeing with me...as I'm clearly talking about you. Oblivious much?

me: yeah, anyway... was that it?
ykantireed: u have a cute cat

Now, I love my cat. But come on.

me: great, more stuff about the pictures.
ykantireed: so what do u up too
me: being annoyed by the people who send me IMs.
ykantireed: oh sorry about that i'm disturbe u?
me: wouldn't be so bad if anyone had actually bothered to learn something about me before they started a conversation.
ykantireed: u right about that

Again...you're agreeing. Okay.

ykantireed: can ask what is your name?
me: ...seriously?
ykantireed: yes
me: it's the FIRST LINE of my profile.
me: you can't even read the first line?

My name is literally the second word in the text of my profile. If you can't get that far, we're not a good fit. In fact, I'd prefer to sequester you on an island with others of your kind, and perhaps force sterilization upon you.

I'm five for five this afternoon on "men who don't give two shits who I am and only care what I look like." Why is it I bother again?

We're back. Bad CraigsList ads never left.

This is from an ad on CraigsList with the subject line, "Looking for emotional love first and foremost."

"You are going to make a wonderful husband and father one day" This is what a very special friend of mine constantly tells me. But how useful is the information really if the girl who thinks it is also the one that won't let you have that chance?

Okay, that's a little whiny. But I'll give him a chance.

Look, I try my best to be romantic. I am that guy who will leave you flowers not because it's your birthday, not because it's a special day, not even because it's thursday. I will leave you those flowers because I saw them and I KNEW you would like them. I knew they would hold a special meaning for you other than them being just flowers. Romantic things just come to me randomly because I am thinking about you, and I want you to be happy.

Bordering on sappy, and like you're just telling me what you think I want to hear. But about 80% less creepy than most ads on CraigsList, so I'll read on.

Me: White, twenty four years old, five foot seven inches, two hundred pounds, blue eyes, dirty-blood hair. I am about to finish my bachelors degree, and I have a job. I don't like sports or cars so you won't find me ignoring you because the super bowl is on. Please be around my age. Race isn't important to me at all, and looks only matter in the way that there has to be an attraction on both sides for something to happen. However, I have a wide variety of types so don't let your hangups about your body and personality stop you from emailing me.

First of all... "Dirty-blood hair"? Dude, bad typo. And second... Even insinuating someone might have hangups before you've spoken to them is bad form.

And then there's this gem, in an ad seeking "emotional love"...

As a last note, I should mention that for those that just want sex, as long as I am single I would be willing to go with a 1night stand or FWB since it has been a long time since I had sex. You may want to know that I am VERY good at giving a girl orgasms and get pleasure from giving pleasure. I'm not trying to toot my own horn, but to give you an idea how good I can be, I have given a girl who medically was not supposed to be able to have orgasms, 5 huge orgasms in a single try.

Thanks for telling me! I was just about to ask you for references. Now...do you have a medical expert I can call about that miraculous event, as well? Hey, wait a minute... This ad wasn't supposed to be about sex...


And this one's called, "Redneck seeking girlfriend."

Im a 19 yr old redneck with a tricked out truck, have a job, i race quads, im an outdoors guy. I pretty much do anything . Im not looking for sex or you to send me to a website to get verified. Im looking for a cute girl whos skinny and not fat or ugly

I just... I can't. I can't.


And finally... "Total paranoia is just total awareness."

Be my girl. That is all.

I... Well... Is it wrong that I kind of like this? (It probably is.)

A Hot, Classy Contradiction

A fellow by the user name of drlove[number redacted] IMed me while I was getting my hair cut, but when I got home, I took a look at his profile.

Without going into a whole feminist rant regarding the chauvinistic problem of being a lady in the street and a freak in the bed...

You should message me if
You are a hot classy chick and freaky at the same time. If you can act like a evil and an angel at the same time.
If you can be wild and moderate at same time.

...it strikes me that a lot of these profiles read much like horoscopes in that they could really apply to anyone, anywhere. Unless you happen to be Ned Flanders, chances are you are "classy" on the outside, but are also concealing some sort of deep, dark secret.

Or perhaps just a moderately deep, leaning towards dark secret.

For example, I'm secretly a man which makes this site that much funnier, doesn't it?

Or am I?

Sexy Lips

June 4, 2010
Random: sexy lips
Me: i'm sorry?

July 18, 2010
Random: sexy lips
Me: i'm sorry; what?

At least he's consistent with his openings.

Random: lol
Random: sexy lips
Me: o...kay.
Random: o.... sorry next time i will say no wonder your single.

You heard it here first. It's no wonder I'm single because I don't respond favorably when a person IMs me with nothing but an adjective+body part.

Me: i'm not the one who randomly IMs people with strange phrases without context.
Random: and i am not the one who gets all you can eat buffets closed down

A veritable bastion of class and maturity, this one.

I messaged him back that he was the one who messaged me first, but alas, he'd already signed off. For shame.

I'm not sure I'm clear on your intent...

Generally, I appreciate people who are direct. In this instance...not so much.


Hey how are you? I want to have lots of rough dirty sex with you. Then get you pregnant.

...well then. I guess at least he asked me how I was first.


My reply:

I'm celibate and infertile, sorry.

I Don't Want Clever Conversation, Never Want to Work that Hard

Silly me thinking I could turn on the OKCupid IM client and think that someone worth talking to would IM me. The first guy said, and I quote

Him: sexy lips
Me: i'm sorry?

He didn't say anything more after that, but I checked out his profile, and it says, "My perfect match would be someone who can keep up with me , someone smart, fit, cute, playful and driven... resulting in a very strong power couple :)"

Just the phrase "resulting in a very strong power couple" disturbs me deep within to the cockles of my heart.

The second guy just started off with this onslaught:

Hi, my name is [redacted] and i'm a good guy with a big heart. I am looking for someone who like to held hands, go for walks, out to dinner, see a movie, or spend a night dancing. I am looking for someone who likes affection and wants me to make her feel special.

While I am not opposed to any of those activities, it's a lot of information on one IM, right? But he continued...

Dude: i like you
Dude: i want to meet you and hang out with you and go uot with you
Dude: as a friend and a girlfriend to date me

I really have not the words. This is getting a little too hot and heavy for me too quickly. Next!

Feets: i have got backpain today
Me: that's no good! why?
Feets: been on the chair for long time
Me: ah
Feets: ur feet r free the now ?
Me: my feet?
Feets: yeah
Me: they aren't in shoes, if that's what you mean. lol
Feets: lol
Feets: no
Feets: i nee dur feet to trample my back

What...what? Okay, I am so over this. I don't care that it's not even nine o'clock yet. I am SO going to bed.

Craig's House of Ill Repute.

Apologies for our absence. The oil spill is drastically reducing our haul. (See what I did there? Okay, yes, it was awful. I know.)


I stumbled upon this post on CraigsList Hartford.

I am a married male that is looking for a certain type of 40+ year old woman to be my personal playtoy. The reason that I want a woman over 40 is because you have already learned what life is about and you understand that the key to you being financially secure is to have a man in your life that can take care of you. In general... you need a man that can provide for you.

I was unaware turning 40 caused women to lose their entire self-worth and become subservient gold-diggers. Is that what I have to look forward to?


A playtoy to me is not a wife or girlfriend. She is a woman that takes care of my sexual needs and desires, she is a woman that I will never hit or abuse.

So you'd hit or abuse your wife or girlfriend? Nice.


She is a woman that will be there whenever I call to make sure that MY needs are satisfied. In return she gets the financial help she needs.

She is a prostitute.


I WILL NOT CONSIDER A WOMAN that
1) cannot host. I am not looking to go to hotels.
2) has a roommate or children that live with her.
3) is not able to be available for me 24 / 7. Whether I call you at 2 in the afternoon or 2 in the morning the only thing you should say to me is "should I be dressed or undressed when you get here".

Dude, I'm pretty sure there are services for this. That would probably cost less.


If you are looking to finally not have to worry about your bills being paid, or whether the gas and electric are going to be shut off, and you are ready to use the only thing you have (your body) to make sure that you are financially takin care of then her is what I expect you to do.

Wow. Just...wow. This guy thinks that all a woman has is her body? How about integrity? Pride? Oh, no, wait. She's a woman. She can't have that.


Stuff like this makes me wish I could sincerely become a lesbian.

Know what sucks? Fun. Fun sucks.

I do so enjoy when they don't even start with "hello."


funguy: dtf?
me: ...huh?
funguy: down to fuck
me: considering I didn't even know what that meant, I'm gonna go with no.

...seriously? Do people actually say that? Are we that lazy now? Is this the "sexting" kids do?


funguy: oh do u like to have fun?
me: no, I hate it. what kind of question is that?

It's absolutely appalling how many times I've said this to people. Usually they're trying to ask if I want to fool around with them, because apparently that's synonymous for "fun" these days.


funguy: lol well i mean do u like to meet nice guys and have fun with them
me: and what do you consider "fun"?
funguy: getting to know u and u me, talking really getting to know one another, laughing smiling

Here he has described "dating." Which, when done correctly, does have the potential to be fun.


me: again...what kind of question is that? sounds like an awful time to me.
funguy: oh ok, well pce

His sarcasm detector is broken, it would seem. And I didn't know it was that difficult to type "peace."


Naturally, I needed to have the last word.

me: work on some better openers, dude.

Tiny Fist of Impotent Rage

You should message me if
You are sick and fucking tired of people online flaking the fuck out and not giving you a straight answer.

Unlike some people I've met on here I will call if I can't make a planned on date and I better have a good reason cause besides illness or death I can't understand why I'd fuck up plans to go somewhere.

If I don't like you I'll tell you. If you ask why you failed to impress me I'll tell you.

I really have no illusions as to why this man is still single.

Help, help! I've lost a proton!

I wanted to make a post. One fell into my lap.


This guy asked me for my AIM name right away. And I, uncharacteristically, gave it to him.

mrpositive: you have been on that site for 5 years
me: yep.
mrpositive: damn I just found it
mypositive meet alot of people on there?
me: not really, no.
mrpositive: y not
me: not sure. just don't.
mrpositive: so does that mean u haven't had a bf in over 5 years

Now, let's be clear: One can have a profile on OKCupid and not be single. So this is a marginally silly question.


me: yes.
mrpositive: thats shitty
me: I'm fine with it.
mrpositive: you don't want a bf
me: I don't want to settle, and I haven't met anyone I find worthy of a relationship.
mrpositive: it hasn't been 5 years for sex has it

I despise when men ask me about my sex life ten minutes into a conversation. There are tons of people that I've known for a very long time who don't know the details (for these purposes, we'll disregard the fact that there aren't many details to tell). So sorry, random dude. You're not getting them, either.


me: and what if it has?
mrpositive: that would really suck it's hasn't been close to that for me and I miss it
me: I don't really care about it.
mrpositive: about sex?
me: yeah.
mrpositive: when was the last time
me: does it matter?
mrpositive: no
me: then you don't need to know.

Because we're not having sex. Got it?


mrpositive: alright well you seem pretty negative
me: about what?
mrpositive: everything
me: I...don't get that at all. what did I say that's negative?

Seriously, I'm just being honest. I'm apparently negative because I don't like sex. That's what I'm getting from this. I actually think it's a sign of being fairly upbeat if one can handle living without it. Just sayin'.


mrpositive: now i guess i understand why u havent met anyone

OH NO YOU DID NOT.


me: don't be a dick. if you're going to say shit like that, back it up.
mrpositive: you have been nothing but negative
mrpositive: bye
me: but I asked you what I said and you wouldn't answer. that means you have no reason to say that. therefore... yeah, bye.

Whatever. I'm negative, you're lazy. Life goes on. But you're also a douche. So there.


(And yeah, I made a totally nerdy joke about negativity in the title. I'm just that awesome.)

Just lie there.

This one seemed literate. I wasn't as skeptical as I usually am.

We exchange our pleasantries, and then he says:

demanding: hmm i'm not sure we're very compatible according to your questions and answers :p

To which I wanted to reply, "Then why did you even IM me?" But I, y'know...didn't. Instead we talked it out.


demanding: you'd let your partner have sex with someone else if they had a fetish to satisfy? :p
demanding: like the biggest fetish i can think of is an amputee
me: that was a tricky one for me.
me: I don't necessarily think sexual infidelity is the same as emotional infidelity, so that might not bother me if it was JUST sex.
demanding: well they are different i agree
me: I'm not into open relationships or anything like that, though. as soon as I saw it was more than superficial, I'd be gone.

This was why we were incompatible? Really?


demanding: well in any case i have a pretty high sex drive and I'm a fairly demanding partner
me: oh. well congratulations on that.
demanding: yeah we're not that compatible :p

Note that I actually said nothing about my own sex drive there. But I will now.


me: it completely boggles my mind that you'd go there right away.
me: that right there tells me something.
demanding: my ex wife used to just lie there
demanding: I'm not going through that again

Whoa, TMI. Didn't need to know that about your ex wife, pal.


me: so wait a minute...
me: you send a total stranger a message on an online dating site, and your first thought is, "I wonder how the sex would be"?

He had no response to that. Too bad. I really wanted to know how that approach worked out for him.

SWM LF FWB

And then one morning, I woke up to this message in my inbox:

hey [my handle], would you be interested in friends with benefits

Do I respond with

A. While I appreciate your upfrontedness, I'm going to have to pass.
B. I am always interested in friends with benefits, just not with you.
C. Wouldn't that require that we be friends first?

I am really wondering, though, if this approach has ever worked in the history of ever. Does anyone know?

Too Much Honesty, Part IV: Are You Curious About the Epilogue?

There I was, minding my own business, when an IM window popped up.

Honest: hi
Me: hello.
Honest: how are you? :D
Me: good & yourself?
Honest: well :D
Me: good to hear!
Honest: :D

Considering we parted on not so friendly terms last time, I was wary. Then I remembered that this man has the memory span of an epileptic goldfish and knew I'd probably, at the very least, get a post out the conversation.

Honest: mmmmmmmmmmmm
Me: mmm?
Honest: mmhmm
Me: is that a happy mmm?
Honest: mmhmm
Honest: wanna make out

It's like death, taxes, and my friend Honest. I am curious to know if this ploy has every worked for him in the jefftyjeff years he's been using it. I decided, however, to go the clueless route.

Me: that would be somewhat difficult considering we're on two ends of a computer.
Honest: well i meant would you like to
Me: in general, yes, i am a fan of making out. with you specifically, i do not know.
Honest: hmmm :p
Me: just bein' honest!
Honest: no need to explain <3

It occurred to me during this last conversation that I've been assuming this whole time that he doesn't remember that he talked to me before, but what if he's thinking the same thing about me? What if he thinks I don't remember us ever talking before? What if it's like some sort of Möbius strip of me thinking he doesn't remember me him thinking I don't remember him me thinking he doesn't remember me?

I'm still voting for MPD, though.

Edit: Oh, and I almost completely forgot to mention! I checked OKCupid's IM logs and apparently he's IMed me not once, but TWICE when I was away from the computer in the past month. Bizarre.

But At Least We Could Talk About It...

This is the first message I got on OKCupid that made me go "Huh?"

From: [handle redacted, even though I really wanted to leave it as it only adds to the WTFery]
Subject: Hello Brutally Honest

Hi Did you ever just what to shake your parents up ? If yes you should email my back ... By me showing up with a breed ... and old-enough to be your father and some ... we can shake up the world ... I love to travel ... have a motorcycle ... I'm great at canoeing and looking forward canoeing the John Henizs Nature Center near Phil. ... If you reply we can at least talk about it ... ha ... lol ... thanks ... HUGS Howard ... ex New Yorker in Pa

His major selling points include

• the opportunity to "shake my parents up"
• being the same age as my mother
• having much skill with a canoe
  
• being a "breed," and
  
• many ellipses.
  

I know you're all jealous and in SHOCK that I didn't message him back...but being an ex-New Yorker? That's such a dealbreaker for me.

Ama’s Best of Craigslist, Part I

I know that picking on Craigslist personals is like shooting fish in a barrel, but sometimes I just can't help myself.

From the men looking for women section of the Philadelphia, PA Cragislist.

Looking for a lady who loves tickling feet - 40 (Berwyn)
I am a single professional man with a unique interest. I love having a woman tie me up and tickle torture my feet. There is nothing I can do to hold back the laughter. I also enjoy giving my partner a really good foot tickling and watching her laugh hysterically. I am searching for a woman with very ticklish feet who would like to get together on a regular basis for a few hours of stress relieving mutual tickling fun.

This is weird enough on its own, but what really put me over the edge was that he wants this to be an on-going thing. I’m thinking maybe he should try a Cuddle Party.

NEED TO RELOCATE ? - 55 (upper bucks)
Tired of paying that outragious rent need to get away for whatever reason , this economy sucks so wherever you can save we all do it , which brings me to the subject i have a very lg mobile home in upper bucks your part would be $400-$450 full facilities now for the pitch in lieu of that lowent and if the chemestry is good for us both must include sex from tome to time , if i still got your attn. im drama free you be too. like weightlifting nice home jym m/c harley of course boating and movies ( horror) very laid back semi couch potato if this sounds interesting to you lets meet and talk see what happens . Age unimportant no kids sorry attractive a big plus will only answer to those that also send pic and i will return mine , if i dont write back its probably the fact that every body has a type there looking for maybe i wont be yours either . Sorry about this being a little unorthadox but i dont hang out at clubs and im retired so i dont meet that many people and i suck at supermarkets haha.

In case you didn’t read through that block of text, here’s the synopsis: the man has a large mobile home and is looking for a roommate. The rent would be $400-450, HOWEVER, in lieu of that, if “the chemestry is good for us both must include sex from tome to time.”

So you can either pay that lowent or you can have carnal relations with a laid back semi couch potato. Be still my beating heart.

And for this last one, I’ll keep it simple:

wanna fuck now i can pick u up - 27 (any where in philly)
just wanting to fuck i can pick u up drop u off and i can host send a pic or descreiption or yuor number ill send a pic

That is just so undeniably classy.

What cracks me up the most is that he's so desperate to get laid that he'll post that ad, but he has standards so he needs to see the woman's picture first. Riiight....

Too Much Honesty, Part III: The Thrilling Conclusion

And now, the end to my conversations with Honest. The last thing I said on our last conversation was simply “lol.” A few hours later, he IMed me again.

Honest: eh?
Honest: hi

I’m guessing that he walked away before he had read my final message. We exchanged some pleasantries, and then he said,

Honest: missed talking to you

Uh, what? That’s strange considering he was the one who stomped off in a schoolgirl huff.

Honest: wanna snuggle?

Well, that was quick.

Then he asked me what my OKCupid name was because he forgot to save it, but never fear that we strayed into normality for too long because where there’s a will, there’s a way…

Honest: wanna make love?
Me: you are quite persistent.
Honest: ?
Me: i feel like you've asked me that before.
Honest: well i want to
Me: so i gathered.

At this point, I began to seriously consider multiple personalities or extreme marijuana use. Then, I thought, “No, he can’t not remember that we talked earlier today,” but then he asked me if I was a virgin…which…he’d already asked me previously, so…I’m thinking MPD, but they’re all the same personality.

Honest: and you do too but woried out being used

Let’s consider this for a moment. If I’m worried about being used, on what earth would the best approach be to just keep asking me to snuggle and “make love?”

Honest: talk to me
Honest: i'm not going to use or hurt you
Me: that is nice of you to say.
Honest: whats your deal??
Me: about what?
Honest: why are you so hard to get a real reply out of
Me: what real reply would you like?
Honest: a real one
Honest: not cold or removed?

I have not the words.

Honest: talk to me
Me: about what?
Honest: hellooo
Honest: wake up
Honest: snap out of it
Honest: talk to me

I think, perhaps, he wants me to talk to him.

Me: about what?
Honest: .......
Honest: nevermind bye
Me: ta!
Honest: i cant stand people with nothing interesting to say

I thought he was leaving…but, since he opened up that can of worms…

Me: are you kidding me?
Me: your entire repertoire has been "i want to make love" and you're telling me i have nothing to say?
Me: please.
Honest: i actualyl asked you to talk to me a bunch
Honest: and fuck you

Which is exactly what he’d been trying to do for the duration of our conversation, and it still hadn’t worked, so I’m wondering if he was trying a more direct approach or if he was trying to be insulting. Gah, I can never figure out men.

My response, again, was “lol,” and…you guessed it…about an hour later, he responded with “?” Rather than start up another conversation and have this continue on to Part IV, I responded with something like “oh, you’re back again?” I think he got the hint.

But if any Psychology majors (or amateur psychologists) want to explain to me what just happened, I’m all ears. ;)

Too Much Honesty, Part II: Electric Boogalo

Of course, if it were as simple as just my last entry, then I doubt Honest would have gotten much of a mention. The second time we talked, he waxed less philosophical and focused mainly on, well…

Honest: how tall are you?
Me: about 5'4

Wait, what? How tall am I? What’s next—he’s going to ask me how much I weigh ‘cause there ain’t no way I’m divulging that information…

Honest: are you any good at kissing?

While I suppose that makes more sense, it’s not the next question I’d expect after “how tall are you?” even if “how tall are you?” was a question I would have expected in the first place.

It was around this point that I gave him my AIM name because the OKCupid IM client was acting up for him. He IMs me with…

Honest: apologie axepted

…which makes no sense whatsoever even if I translate it into “apology accepted” because I hadn’t apologized about anything. Then we get into the nitty gritty.

Honest: what turns you on?
Me: hm. i'm not sure.
Honest: how many guys have you been with?
Me: do you think that would make a difference?
Honest: i'm just curious

Just once, I'd love a guy to answer the question I asked because I'd really, really like to know the answer.

Oh, and "just curious" indeed. Keep in mind that the first time we spoke, he spoke at length about how the whole one man/one woman paradigm was a ridiculous social construct, yet he’s interested in how many guys I’ve slept with. Hm.

Honest: so would you care to snuggle then?
Me: i don't normally jump right into snuggling. :P
Honest: i didn't know jumping was involved!!!
Me: i don't normally segue straight into snuggling?
Honest: i see
Honest: well how do you go from not to snuggling then?
Honest: time travel?
Me: dinner's usually a nice start. lol
Honest: dinner where?
Me: a mutually agreeable spot? i donno. :P
Honest: huh?

Suddenly I'm Chris Tucker in Rush Hour typing very slowing "Do you understand the words that are comin' off of my fingers?"

Me: i suppose i'm saying that i usually see if there's any spark at all before i actually snuggle someone.
Honest: well i feel it, if you don't hmm

This is the second time we’ve spoken and he feels a spark. I'm beginning to feel like men are flint and tinder whereas women are...like...wet wood on a cloudy day, but you really want the fire, so you put all this effort into getting the wood and putting it in the fireplace and trying to start a fire, but the damn wood's too wet, so you trudge back out to the woodpile and start looking for a better piece of wood, but you can't find one and you get so frustrated that you kick the dog and...

Wait, where was I going with that?

Honest: i want you
Me: why?
Honest: you seem sexy fun & yum
Me: so what turns you on?
Honest: you

OMG! NO WAI!!

That is one of the clichéd things EVER.

Honest: i need food
Me: then i suggest you eat! :D
Honest: ok, when do we get to make love?
Me: you seem a bit fixated.
Honest: fixated?
Me: on this whole making love thing.
Honest: or maybe you have had a long dry spell so talking about it seems, to you, like its being said lot

I prefer to call it a “self-imposed self-introspective journey into the workings of my sexual psyche,” but I suppose “dry spell” works, too. Or I could just be picky.

And as one of my male friends said: "Isn't 'have sex' or 'fuck' more appropriate in this context?"

But this...this, I think, is my favourite part:

Me: you have no idea who i am, yet you want to have sex with me.
Honest: did you read my profile?
Me: mmhmm
Honest: did you see the part where it says i read people
Me: mmhmm

Snip from his profile, which I’ll admit I didn’t remember because I didn’t bother to look at it the second time he messaged me:

Trying to "know" someone is about as useful and real as trying to "see" darkness. If you truly know yourself, you all ready know everyone else. Please stop with this typical bullshit. No one is a stranger, if you think so, i deeply pity you.

(Editor's Note: I looked through his whole profile and couldn't really find a reference to "reading people" anywhere in it, so I'm guessing he meant that part)

Whoops.

Honest: so why say the "no idea who i am" bit?
Me: i mean literally. i could be a 55 year old man.
Honest: yea and i could be the pope
Me: which is sort of my point. i've kept myself out of the headlines of being abducted by a strange man on the internet by not hooking up with strange men on the internet.
Honest: ok so now i'm "a strange man from the internet"
Me: until proven otherwise, everyone is a strange person on the internet.
Honest: what a middle ages aproach to personal interaction
Me: no, a middle ages approach would be letting my father decide who i marry because he wants to secure some land or an alliance.
Honest: i was talking more of the inquisition
Me: so you're offended?
Honest: no, it just makes you look kinda backwards & repressed
Me: lol
Me: because i won't just meet up with you and snuggle?
Honest: no, because you are claiming i'm a stranger
Me: you are a stranger until i've actually met you.
Honest: then we have nothing further to discuss

Nothing further to discuss? I suppose that means there will be no Part III of this saga…oh, wait…

Stay tuned for the grand finale!

Return of IRMEDD420

What I neglected to mention in this post was that our good friend IRMEDD420 actually did IM me later that day. You remember IRMEDD420, right? He CAN BE A VERY SEXUALLY DOMINANT MAN and you should message him if you don’t mind that he doesn’t have a car. Now that we’re up to speed…

Because I am, at heart, a nice person, I talked to him for a while. Here are some choice snippets:

IRMEDD420: which pic is mosr recent?
IRMEDD420: most*
Me: the one at the top with the headphones.

Implied text: Y’know, the one labeled “November 2009” whereas the other two are labeled “May 2009” and “April 2009.”

IRMEDD420: i would love to take you out
Me: why's that?
IRMEDD420: cause your sexy lol
Me: well, that's a given. :P

Don’t look at me like that; you know I’m sexy.

IRMEDD420: you like a dominant guy?
Me: i suppose it depends on what he's dominating at.
IRMEDD420: in a sexual way

I gave him an out! Did you see that? I gave him an opening to not be creepy AND HE DIDN’T TAKE IT.

IRMEDD420: i bet your body is nice
Me: it has its moments.
IRMEDD420: i wish i could see your ass

If wishes were fishes, my friend.

IRMEDD420: you wanna go out tiffany?

Either he has more than one conversation going or he’s taking me out to buy some expensive jewelry. I’d go if it were the latter.

Me: to tiffany?
IRMEDD420: sorry that was another i/m comp keeps fucking up
IRMEDD420: i want to take you :)
IRMEDD420: out*
IRMEDD420: lol
IRMEDD420: [telephone number redacted, though I was tempted to leave it in hopes someone would prank him]

Yes. Yes, he did just give me his telephone number. If only it worked like that with that cute guy over there.

Me: pretend you're me for a minute. some random dude ims you and says he wants to take you out. you know nothing about this person. why would i want to put myself at risk like that?
IRMEDD420: are you attracted to me? i'm attracted to you i've made that quite clear

What I’m gathering from this is that because he finds me attractive, we should go out. I’m guessing that works on some girls, but considering he called me another girl’s name, I’m disinclined to acquiesce to his request.

Means no.

IRMEDD420: [gives his number again]
Me: do you think you're more likely to take me out if you speak to me?
IRMEDD420: yes
Me: why's that?
IRMEDD420: idk if you dont wanna i wont beg
Me: indeed.
IRMEDD420: so whats the decision woman?
Me: i'm gonna have to pass.

Seriously? He’s not going to beg, but he gave me his number twice? If that’s not begging, I don’t know what is. :P

I also wish he'd actually answered my question. Why would speaking to him make it more likely that we'd go out?

Just what I always wanted.

This is the kind of thing one is faced with on Valentine's Day weekend.


(9:35:09 pm)IAMLAME: well here is a virtual rose for you... @--->>---
(9:35:20 pm)me: ugh, no thanks.
(9:36:01 pm)me: that's cheesy.
(9:36:19 pm)IAMLAME: yeah I kinda agree it is cheesy
(9:36:27 pm)me: then...why do it?
(9:36:30 pm)IAMLAME: but If I could give real roses, trust me I would
(9:36:38 pm)me: real roses are cheesy, too.
(9:36:46 pm)IAMLAME: not why u say that?
(9:36:59 pm)IAMLAME: its the thought that counts..dont all girls love flowers
(9:37:17 pm)me: no. I know a lot of girls who actually don't want flowers, and I'm one of them.
(9:37:32 pm)IAMLAME: ok then what do you like to recieve?
(9:37:46 pm)me: nothing.
(9:38:02 pm)IAMLAME: what about cards?
(9:38:07 pm)me: no.
(9:38:25 pm)IAMLAME: wow, your hard
(9:38:53 pm)me: I just don't want people wasting their money on meaningless things.

Bear in mind this guy is thirty-six years old. If he doesn't know by now that not all women can be easily bought with flowers and cards, there's really no hope for him. And what man that age gives out virtual roses? I wanted to virtual vomit on him.


(9:44:36 pm)IAMLAME: happy belated birthday
(9:44:45 pm)me: um...it was almost a month ago. heh
(9:45:04 pm)IAMLAME: thats why I said happy belated
(9:45:33 pm)IAMLAME: belated is a week after. once you're past that, don't say anything.
(9:46:02 pm)IAMLAME: damn you are hard on me.. lol
(9:46:36 pm)me: just calling you out for trying too hard.

Are you serious? That's like wishing someone a Merry Christmas at the end of January. You wouldn't do that, so why would you wish me a happy birthday a month later? Oh right, I'm supposed to think he's "thoughtful" and "sweet." Of course.


(9:59:25 pm)IAMLAME: so what kinda things can I ask you, that you wont think is a wate of time, or cheesy?
(9:59:49 pm)me: I don't know. try something.
(10:00:42 pm)IAMLAME: what do you like most about liberal arts?
(10:00:59 pm)me: wow... that's a really dumb question.
(10:01:16 pm)IAMLAME: :)
(10:01:36 pm)me: no, you shouldn't be smiling. really.
(10:02:01 pm)IAMLAME: well I can
(10:02:27 pm)me: you can. but you shouldn't be.

My profile says I have a Liberals Arts degree. If one knows what "Liberal Arts" is, they know there's really nothing to like about it in this economy. Which leads me to believe this guy has no idea. And who asks that?


(10:05:28 pm)IAMLAME: do u text
(10:05:35 pm)me: yes.
(10:05:50 pm)IAMLAME: I love texting
(10:06:35 pm)IAMLAME: verozin or att&T
(10:06:48 pm)me: there are other cell phone companies.
(10:06:57 pm)IAMLAME: yeah but out of those two
(10:07:05 pm)me: in reference to what?
(10:07:13 pm)IAMLAME: which u prefer
(10:07:31 pm)me: um.. how am I supposed to know that if I've never used one or both?
(10:07:49 pm)IAMLAME: fine whos your cell provider
(10:08:20 pm)me: why does it matter? unless you're looking for advice on switching carriers.
(10:08:40 pm)IAMLAME: no I switched from Verizon to AT&T
(10:08:55 pm)me: then why does it matter who I'm with?
(10:09:26 pm)IAMLAME: it dont,
(10:09:42 pm)me: ...then why are you asking?
(10:10:11 pm)IAMLAME: I find u interesting
(10:10:30 pm)me: and that's what you want to know about me? my cell phone carrier? um, okay.
(10:11:27 pm)me: this keeps getting more lame.

I'm guessing this was about to segue into "let's text each other," but...no. Sorry. And apparently I'm to deduce from this that my most interesting characteristic has absolutely nothing to do with me, but everything to do with my wireless plan. Nice.


(10:12:09 pm)IAMLAME: is your name Asia?
(10:12:21 pm)me: did you read my profile?
(10:12:31 pm)IAMLAME: I glanced at it
(10:12:39 pm)me: that explains a lot.

And there you have it. This is the attentive man we've all been looking for, ladies!


It'd be nice if men got smarter as they got older. It is apparent that's not the case.