BDSMwhat?

I logged onto OKCupid for the first time in forever this evening and saw that I had a message. Usually, messages get sent to my e-mail, too, so I was a little confused until I saw that it was just someone saving my profile as a favorite. Curious, I went to his profile to see what I could see.

The second paragraph of his "My self-summary" section threw me off for a second because it was a little odd:

***Other sections below elaborate on intent and talk a little about me. Please read the last half to get to know me a bit better..

A couple of paragraphs later, it continues with

Again. Please read the entire profile. This is a great forum to get it all out there so to speak. You can't say the things I am saying here when you first meet a girl. That said... read the end to get to know me a bit better outside of the 'top' of this profile.

O...kay. Yes, I'm going to read the whole profile, but why are you so insistent, dude?

When we go into the bedroom to fuck this is what you should expect:

OH! Well, that was...er...unexpected, but please, tell me what I should expect when we...go into the bedroom to fuck.

All discipline will be enforced in the bedroom... outside the bedroom I am very laid back... but would love to explore a D/s relationship.. ;) I enjoy rough kinky sex. I am very controlling in bed and am looking for a total service whore in bed. Outside of bed... good times always.

He would love to "explore" a D/s relationship? Much of the profile goes on with exactly how the woman should expect to be spanked, do as she's told, and perform as a "total whore." This goes on for...well...if I printed it out, I'd say it'd take up a good two pages.

You should expect to be fucked up your ass if you can accommodate me. If you can not your ass will be teased and fingered a bit. It will be nice if we get along and get close/tested to come in your ass every now and then. You will also be expected to take cum on your face and lips.

Nothing but class this one.

But, really, I don't see anything morally or ethically or even sexually wrong with BDSM; it's more that his profile switches from the above to stuff like this...

I am very skilled in mathematics and computer sciences.

...then back to this...

*You should be very submissive in the bedroom. You should be clean and intelligent.

...without so much as a how's your father.

And then after his several paragraph description of how, exactly, she's going to take it, he hardly bothers to fill out any of the other fields. For example, his "I'm really good at" section?

I'm kinda complicated with all the things I do to make a living. All totally legal :) ... I may spread myself a bit thin... but I make good cash. Word.

Word indeed, sir. I think, however, that I shall pass.

The Later It Gets, the Less Likely I Am to Change Out of My PJs

I wish I could say that there was some sort of preamble to this instant message, but he immediately hit me with this:

FLguy: wana hang out tonight?
Me: i'm sorry, what?
FLguy: hang out

Yes, yes, get to the point. It's not that I don't understand, it's that I don't understand.

Me: i imagine not.
FLguy: imagination is a state of mind
Me: indeed.

Translation: I get it; you are very deep.

FLguy: are you here for something serious
Me: generally, yes.
FLguy: we can have something non serious for one night

Deep like a FOX...er...no, wait.

Me: I doubt it.
FLguy: haha
FLguy: you have a good sense of putting things in perspective

It's one of my skillz; unfortunately, my skillz set does not include making weirdos go away. It was at this point that I had checked his profile and saw he was a native of Gainesville, FL.

Me: and strangely enough, i doubt i'd make it to florida and back in one night.
FLguy: i am in philly right now
Me: ah, i see.
FLguy: not gonna make you travle so far :)
FLguy: that would be rude on my part
Me: lol
FLguy: I am not as bad as you think :)
Me: i really have no opinion of you except that you randomly popped up and asked me to hang out

Which, I might add, is pretty frickin' bad, actually.

FLguy: well we can talk on phone a bit and if you like we can hang out else not
FLguy: and if you dont feel like giving your number you can call the hotel and ask for my room
Me: as tempting as that all is, i still have to be up early for work.

Sarcasm: Refuge of the Amadei since...whenever it is she learned to speak.

FLguy: its still early right now..I will drop you off

At this point, it was about quarter to 9pm. Even if I were the kind of girl to randomly meet someone at his hotel, it certainly wouldn't be after 9pm on a Wednesday.

Me: lol
Me: if your hotel's in philly, it's probably an hour from where i am anyway.
FLguy: whats your zip
FLguy: I am in sheraton near the airport if you know where that is
Me: yeah, that's like an hour.
FLguy: oh I am sorry
FLguy: i dont have a car not do I know anything abt here
Me: i'm pretty much on the other side of the city. kinda.

He doesn't have a car, but he said earlier in the conversation that he'd drop me off, so that leaves me to consider the idea that he a) is Superman, b) has a broomstick, or c) is lying about something.

FLguy: you could leave from here

I could...wait, what?

Me: ha ha
FLguy: we can have breakfast here at the hotel in the morning
Me: i find that all very unlikely.

BECAUSE I AM NOT INSANE.

FLguy: your words are amusing
Me: i'm glad you're amused.
FLguy: sometimes
FLguy: but its boring here
FLguy: cant you make a one time exception to travel here
FLguy: its going to be a good company
Me: exception to what?

I really wanted him to say something like "to your rule of not having sex with random guys on the Internet," but I was unfortunately not given that little fun gem.

FLguy: to hang out
Me: considering i have to get up at 6am to be at work at 7am, i'm not inclined to meet with some random person who's here for one night only.

Or at all, really, but I was trying to drive the point home.

FLguy: my sister lives in NJ so I come here sometimes
Me: ah.
FLguy: yea
FLguy: and you are always welcome to come to florida
FLguy: anytime :)

Because him having a sister in NJ and me being welcome in FL makes me meeting him at his hotel so much less creepy.

Me: what is in gainesville?
FLguy: umm good springs and beaches are close by
FLguy: i have a car there so it wont be any problme going around
FLguy: lol
FLguy: i am an open book so
FLguy: i like you to be honest
FLguy: you have been very sweet and without any attitude
FLguy:which is not common
Me: lol thanks

Translation: I've been planning this blog post since the first thing you said.

FLguy: we can go for a drink if you like
FLguy: i wana see some places before i leave philly
Me: i'm pretty sure i'm in for the night.

Time check: It is now 9:15pm.

FLguy: philly girls are weird
FLguy: i dont know
FLguy: completely different experience
Me: lol how so?
FLguy: well they will talk to you and you might think they would hang out or so
FLguy: and in the end its "I am too tired, its very late"
FLguy: thats what I heard last time
FLguy: there is not point in being good and sweet anymore and wasting time
FLguy: it doesnt lead to anything

I don't think I gave him any indication that it could possibly lead to anything, but hey, maybe we're having two different conversations.

Me: i don't generally hang out with anyone the first time talking to them.
FLguy: everyone is different in its own way
Me: indeed
FLguy: its not that late come on
Me: it is that late.

A sentiment I feel I have made abundantly clear during the tenure of our conversation.

Me: and i just don't randomly meet people offline for one night.
FLguy: but I dont have any other choice
FLguy: else I would have stayed here
Me: i am failing to see how that affects me at all.
FLguy: its alright
FLguy: it doesn
FLguy: i am just wasting my time I think
Me: hm. good thought.

I mean, seriously. He had talked to me for over an hour at this point and I still wasn't leaping into my car, so...

FLguy: you can feel good abt yourself right n ow
FLguy: but karma is always fair to everyone
FLguy: so it will your turn someday
Me: i doubt that karma will think that i am a bad person for not going out on a work night to meet up with a random guy at his hotel.
FLguy: well thats not the point
FLguy: but your statement was rude
FLguy: last one
Me: hm.

You heard it here first--because I didn't pay it forward and just whip on down to the Airport Sheraton, karma is going to bite me in the ass especially as I've uttered a rude statement. But FLguy wasn't finished waxing philosophical.

FLguy: if you meet a stranger anywhere, is that the first time or you have met themin some previous life too
Me: yes, but if i meet someone in, say, the mall, i can already see that they are perhaps not an axe murderer whereas random people on the internet could be completely different from how
FLguy: I mean you girls say it all the time " I dont meet strangers or I dont talk to them"..are you girls born here with friends

HE HAS FIGURED US ALL OUT, LADIES! The reason we need to go to the bathroom in groups is because we're born with all the friends we'll ever have and WE CANNOT RISK LOSING ONE.

Me: and really none of that trumps that i have to be at work at 7am.

Which, strangely enough, is really all I was trying to get him to acknowledge. It became almost like a game. But let's move on from philosophy to criminal justice:

FLguy: well then you need to put more attention to the current events
FLguy: most of the victims are not from online
FLguy:but from someone who knew them very closely
Me: lol
FLguy: go watch forensic files on tru tv
FLguy: it will give you some idea on what basis most cases are based
FLguy: and its not some bullshit like CSI
FLguy: its a 100% true event
Me: i've seen it.
FLguy: oh
FLguy: i thought most of you girls only watch what lindsey lohan is doing or which club paris hilton is going to
FLguy: i didnt know some of you actually watch those kind of "boring" shows
Me: ha ha. very funny.

After that, I didn't really feel inspired to talk with him anymore.

IRMEDD420 IV: A New Hope

So, my buddy IRMEDD420 has reappeared with a different username. I got a notification that someone had added me to his favorites list, so I clicked on the profile. The picture wasn't familiar, but when I saw what town he lives in, plus the line, "unfortunately i have no car at the moment and i realize that can be very unattractive," I knew...I just knew.

Then later in his profile he says, "my last profile was caps and surprisingly a fair amount of people actually care about the most pedantic shit." No, my darling; we just don't enjoy being yelled at.

Then there was this:

IRMEDD420: hello
Me: hello.
IRMEDD420: you are beautiful

It's like he doesn't remember calling me a snooty bitch. Amazing.

Crazy Is As Crazy Does

You all remember my friend Honest, right?

• Too Much Honesty, Part I
• Too Much Honesty, Part II: Electric Boogaloo
• Too Much Honesty, Part III: The Thrilling Conclusion
• Too Much Honesty, Part IV: Are You Curious About the Epilogue?
• Too Much Honesty, Part V: What the...?
  

I chanced upon his profile again, and saw that it had been updated to have this at the beginning of his Self-Summary:

I am not actively using this site anymore.... way too many crazy people with issues, so if you want to talk, send me a message with your # and we can text. Thanks!

While I am sure that there are many crazy people on OKCupid, I don't think that this particular pot should be calling that specific kettle black.

My other concern is the cognitive dissonance that allows him to believe that he will somehow weed out the crazy people by, instead of talking to them via the relative anonymity of the site, asking for them to give him their telephone numbers.

At least I have no illusion of what he will be like when he grows up.

A Surefire Way to Impress the Lady

I don't normally hold with making two posts in the same day, but this one literally fell into my lap, so here it is.

Having decided at almost the last minute to go to the movies, I received an IM on OKC. As I was literally getting up to leave my apartment, I closed the browser and went on my merry way.

I saw Mao's Last Dancer--if it's playing near you, go see it; it was great.

When I came home, I decided to check my OKC account as I haven't been getting e-mails when people message me recently. Imagine my delight when I saw that I did, in fact, have a message.

Unfortunately for me, it was just informing me that I'd missed a second IM from the guy I'd closed my browser on:

Well this has been stimulating. I feel like I really know you now. I hate long goodbyes... but i really have to go :'(

Yes, sir. Woo me with your sarcasm.

I can assume you're not fat.

Oh CraigsList...

This ad starts off just fine.

I am 28 year old SWM, never married no kids. Often told that I’m very attractive and believe so myself. Shorter brown hair, blue eyes, 6’3” 225, athletic build. I’m confident, intelligent, pragmatic, honest, and real. I am as far from your standard regular old guy as you could possibly imagine. I like being different, and unique and definitely am both. I’m very social and outgoing, can get by in just about any situation, and talk to any people. I do not smoke, do not do any drugs, and currently am on hiatus from drinking but will be back at it soon. I do like to party and be crazy, but I am also a very responsible professional. I own my own house and business for example.

I am in to a million different hobbies/activities including but by no means limited to mountain biking, hiking, camping, high pointing, surfing, snowboarding, fishing, shooting, working out, jogging, golf, brewing beer, wine, gardening, cooking, going to the movies, making movies, video games, Real Estate, astronomy, psychology, my hot tub and more (yes this is purposely random and as you can see a comprehensive list just to name a few!). I’m very in to sports and watch baseball and football religiously (Yankees and Patriots!!), along with a few others.

Okay, maybe a little cocky. But he's just selling himself, so whatever. Nothing too reprehensible.

But then...

I’d like to find a woman who enjoys some of my interests to share with me, yet is very independent with her own friends, own interests, and would not need to spend every waking moment with me. Being clingy or dependent is very much a turnoff to me. I need someone who is fun to be around and can hold intellectual stimulating conversations; Standard talk about “how was work today” and “what your brother Billy did this weekend” will not cut it or get us very far! A Potential partner must not smoke, must not have kids or former relationship drama, and should like to drink socially and party hard on occasion. Own car a must, legitimate job or at least self-supporting a must, and own place would be a plus. I’m not looking to support anyone and will not.

Oh. Well. What I read here is, "I attract women that are boring gold-diggers who can't take care of themselves." Darling, you must take a long, hard look at yourself to figure out why that is...

Age is not super important to me but for ease of use let’s say 23 to 35. Finally, call me shallow if you want but this person I’m looking for must be attractive. Height and weight are most important 5-6 to 5-11 being ideal with a fit, lean body (I am a boob man too though). NO FAT WOMEN: since when did it become socially acceptable for so many overweight people to be boisterous about their body?! Pretty face and longer hair (no tom boy cuts) also required. So, yes, for a relationship I’m looking for an 8 or 9 or better to match me.

It all makes sense now. You're stuck with those horrible women because you're a horrible man.

And regarding the part I bolded... REALLY?! Since when did it become socially acceptable to be a demanding, self-righteous, narrow-minded prick? Hmm?

I don’t have much time or desire to go out to the clubs or bars to find women so let’s see how this works out. Send a full body picture with your message just so I can assume you’re not fat. Then let’s talk and meet up, maybe enjoy a dinner together, or just drinks in the hot tub and see where it goes from there!

Should I send him random pictures of fat women from a Google image search? I bet he'd like that.

Fucker.

Sexy Lips II: Groundhog Day

Today, rather than sit at home, surfing the Internet for hours on end, I decided to venture out into the real world. I had a package to mail, so I went to the post office, and while I was there bought stamps, then eventually made my way to Borders with the intention of writing out the postcards to various people around the world, but ended up talking to my friend Mike and surfing the Internet.

Of course, along with Facebook and gmail, OKCupid had its own tab on my browser window. I was halfway through writing a postcard when I noticed the tab was flashing.

Oh my God.

He did try and spice it up a bit this time, though. This IM said, "sexy lips/". That little forward slash makes all the difference.

His profile's changed a little bit since that first time, too. Now the highlight is in the "You should message me if" section:

your not a loser.
you dont lie.... sad to say 70% of the girls on here lie so much its too funny they must just want attention anyway they can get it.
no druggies too

I love it when people automatically assume I'm a liar! Woo hoo! :P

Sexy Lips

June 4, 2010
Random: sexy lips
Me: i'm sorry?

July 18, 2010
Random: sexy lips
Me: i'm sorry; what?

At least he's consistent with his openings.

Random: lol
Random: sexy lips
Me: o...kay.
Random: o.... sorry next time i will say no wonder your single.

You heard it here first. It's no wonder I'm single because I don't respond favorably when a person IMs me with nothing but an adjective+body part.

Me: i'm not the one who randomly IMs people with strange phrases without context.
Random: and i am not the one who gets all you can eat buffets closed down

A veritable bastion of class and maturity, this one.

I messaged him back that he was the one who messaged me first, but alas, he'd already signed off. For shame.

IRMEDD420 III: The Curse of IRMEDD420

I love it when I have repeat offenders.

Keep in mind that the conversation to this point has been him calling me "baby," then telling me which of the pictures on my profile he liked the best.

IRMEDD420: so you arent interested eh?
Me: should i be?
IRMEDD420: i think you should wanna go out
IRMEDD420: :)
Me: why's that?
IRMEDD420: b/c as i said your sexy

Apparently, the gentleman thinks that mama raised a fool. I did attempt to clarify, though...

Me: i should want to go out with you because you said i'm sexy?
IRMEDD420: lol

But, but, but isn't that what he just implied? It's times like these when I question my own reading comprehension.

IRMEDD420: uh i would hope you'd be attracted to me as well?
Me: so i should go out with you because you said i'm sexy and you hope i'd be attracted to you?

All I'm looking for is an answer--a simple, succinct answer...

IRMEDD420: listen...do you meet many people here?

Apparently, he thinks he's Socrates: "I will answer your question by asking you a question."

Me: a fair amount, i'd say.

This is a lie. In the year I've frequented OKCupid, I have met a grand total of four men. I wonder why that could possibly be.

IRMEDD420: how? when you try tp be all superior and act bitchy?
IRMEDD420: damn

Oh, right. That's why.

Me: i'm just trying to make sure i understand what you're asking!

That's a lie, too. I be trollin', I be hatin'...

IRMEDD420: just cause your sexy doesnt mean you can act pretentious
Me: why not?
IRMEDD420: seriously?

Me: how can you even question my seriousness?

IRMEDD420: b/c its okc aND WE HAVE NO inflection WE JUST TYPE

Me: fair enough.

They be hatin'...on my trollin'...

IRMEDD420:well i got other women dieing to abuse me lol
Me: i am sure.

Oh, you wanted an argument? I'm sorry; this is abuse. You'll want room 12A.

IRMEDD420:go be all snooty by your lonesome bitch

Somehow, I'm pretty sure that a couple of AAs and my right hand will give me more satisfaction than he ever could.

Simple demands for a simple mind.

Found this winner on CraigsList.


not into sugar coating things and after the last 12 hours i've had i've just come to terms with what i need

i want a girl who loves metal....IS racist....loves to drink regardless time of day....doesnt play games...has a good job and/or knows what she wants to do in life....wants a relationship, or just some fun...and some great sex

White only...NO girls OVER 135lbs...tats & piercings are a plus....age doesnt matter but i love YOUNGER than me...doin outdoors stuff is fun too but not a neccessity to like it on ur part...I dont care what ur religion is (if u have one) but im an athiest so dont push your B.S. on me

IF you fit that description, then we already have a lot in common

I've got a great job that is really beneficial (you'll see why if you ask me) and a great car. I'm above average height and im definately in shape.

SEND A PIC OF YOURSELF BEFORE YOU CAN SEE A PIC OF ME


I bet he's getting a ton of responses. From women without teeth.

I'm Almost Too Bored to Type This

Let's pretend you're a single guy. You decide that you don't really want to be a single guy anymore, but you don't really go to bars and all your friends are married, so it's difficult to find a girl. Somehow, you find out about a dating website called OKCupid, so you decide to make a profile. You sit down and the best you can come up with is this:


Don't be too dismayed when no one messages you.

Craig's House of Ill Repute.

Apologies for our absence. The oil spill is drastically reducing our haul. (See what I did there? Okay, yes, it was awful. I know.)


I stumbled upon this post on CraigsList Hartford.

I am a married male that is looking for a certain type of 40+ year old woman to be my personal playtoy. The reason that I want a woman over 40 is because you have already learned what life is about and you understand that the key to you being financially secure is to have a man in your life that can take care of you. In general... you need a man that can provide for you.

I was unaware turning 40 caused women to lose their entire self-worth and become subservient gold-diggers. Is that what I have to look forward to?


A playtoy to me is not a wife or girlfriend. She is a woman that takes care of my sexual needs and desires, she is a woman that I will never hit or abuse.

So you'd hit or abuse your wife or girlfriend? Nice.


She is a woman that will be there whenever I call to make sure that MY needs are satisfied. In return she gets the financial help she needs.

She is a prostitute.


I WILL NOT CONSIDER A WOMAN that
1) cannot host. I am not looking to go to hotels.
2) has a roommate or children that live with her.
3) is not able to be available for me 24 / 7. Whether I call you at 2 in the afternoon or 2 in the morning the only thing you should say to me is "should I be dressed or undressed when you get here".

Dude, I'm pretty sure there are services for this. That would probably cost less.


If you are looking to finally not have to worry about your bills being paid, or whether the gas and electric are going to be shut off, and you are ready to use the only thing you have (your body) to make sure that you are financially takin care of then her is what I expect you to do.

Wow. Just...wow. This guy thinks that all a woman has is her body? How about integrity? Pride? Oh, no, wait. She's a woman. She can't have that.


Stuff like this makes me wish I could sincerely become a lesbian.

Help, help! I've lost a proton!

I wanted to make a post. One fell into my lap.


This guy asked me for my AIM name right away. And I, uncharacteristically, gave it to him.

mrpositive: you have been on that site for 5 years
me: yep.
mrpositive: damn I just found it
mypositive meet alot of people on there?
me: not really, no.
mrpositive: y not
me: not sure. just don't.
mrpositive: so does that mean u haven't had a bf in over 5 years

Now, let's be clear: One can have a profile on OKCupid and not be single. So this is a marginally silly question.


me: yes.
mrpositive: thats shitty
me: I'm fine with it.
mrpositive: you don't want a bf
me: I don't want to settle, and I haven't met anyone I find worthy of a relationship.
mrpositive: it hasn't been 5 years for sex has it

I despise when men ask me about my sex life ten minutes into a conversation. There are tons of people that I've known for a very long time who don't know the details (for these purposes, we'll disregard the fact that there aren't many details to tell). So sorry, random dude. You're not getting them, either.


me: and what if it has?
mrpositive: that would really suck it's hasn't been close to that for me and I miss it
me: I don't really care about it.
mrpositive: about sex?
me: yeah.
mrpositive: when was the last time
me: does it matter?
mrpositive: no
me: then you don't need to know.

Because we're not having sex. Got it?


mrpositive: alright well you seem pretty negative
me: about what?
mrpositive: everything
me: I...don't get that at all. what did I say that's negative?

Seriously, I'm just being honest. I'm apparently negative because I don't like sex. That's what I'm getting from this. I actually think it's a sign of being fairly upbeat if one can handle living without it. Just sayin'.


mrpositive: now i guess i understand why u havent met anyone

OH NO YOU DID NOT.


me: don't be a dick. if you're going to say shit like that, back it up.
mrpositive: you have been nothing but negative
mrpositive: bye
me: but I asked you what I said and you wouldn't answer. that means you have no reason to say that. therefore... yeah, bye.

Whatever. I'm negative, you're lazy. Life goes on. But you're also a douche. So there.


(And yeah, I made a totally nerdy joke about negativity in the title. I'm just that awesome.)

Driving: A Useless Gesture

This came after I, again, was insisting that I don't just randomly meet people for the first time at their houses.

Driven: i don't drive
Me: why?
Driven: do i need a reason
Me: no. i was just wondering.
Driven: it's a useless gesture
Me: driving or wondering?
Driven: driving
Me: why?
Driven: how many cars do you see on any given road at any time?
Driven: answer: too many
Driven: how many people die because of automobile?
Driven: too many
Driven: how many gallons of crude oil need pumped from the ground to fuel all of these things?
Driven: too many
Driven: it's disgustingly excessive

Well...okay, then...I'll just take my little driving-enjoying-self and go over here to guzzle some more crude oil.

The Intimidator.

Got this one late last night.

I WILL TRY THIS , YOUR PROFILE IS A LITTLE INTIMIDATING . BUT MAYBE IM NOT YOUR TYPE. I KNOW YOU DNT WNT KIDS BUT THERE ARE GOOD MEN OUT THERE AND SOME OF US DO HAVE KIDS. YOU SEEM BITTER

Wow. You are not making friends, buddy. Shout at a girl, state the obvious, then call her bitter.

And the irony in the matter? In his profile, he gets indignant about how "most women want a black or latino man now," like it's a "fad," and one day they'll "open their eyes" and realize white men are just as good. But he's not bitter! I am. Of course.

I also didn't realize that the ability to string more than three words together in a coherent, grammatically-correct sentence made me "intimidating." I'm sorry, should I say "like" more and twirl my hair around my finger? Does that make me, like, more approachable? (Insert hair twirl here, and a gum pop for good measure.)


So this was my response:

First of all, no need to yell. You might want to turn off your caps lock. It's off-putting.

I'm not particularly fond of kids and don't want to be a parent or in a parental role. It's just my preference. And those good men that have kids can just be good for someone else.

You don't know me or what I've been through, so maybe, if I'm bitter, I have a reason to be. However, I don't feel that's the case. I just know what I want.

And you're right - you're not my type. Good luck.

I was much nicer that I could have been. I'm clearly getting rusty.

I'm actually from Uranus.

Okay, so we're just going to file this under "I Seriously Hope a Head Injury Can Explain this Behavior."


etlover: hey
me: hello.
etlover: how are you
me: fine. you?
etlover: im doin good
etlover: where u from
me: um... did you read my profile?
etlover: only for a sec
me: but not the part right at the top that says...where I'm from?
etlover: ohhh your gettin funny you fucking alien
me: lol. alien? okay.
etlover: extra terestrial
etlover: E.T
me: yeah, I got that part. just not sure why you're calling me one.
etlover: it wouldn't be cause you look like an alien or anything
me: oh, so that's where this is going.
etlover: maybe
me: that would be highly mature and dignified of you.
etlover: stfu you alien
etlover: seriously goo back to mars
me: lol. have you been drinking?
etlover: i dnt drink
me: then what's your excuse?
etlover: the fact that you look like an alien maybe.....
etlover: perhaps
me: oh, you're just a jackass? got it.
etlover: ur an alien
me: okay, if you say so.
etlover: i do say sooo
etlover: i shuld contact the auothorites
me: so you didn't read my profile, and you think I look like an alien. what was the point of IMing me?
etlover: cause ive never talked to a alien before
etlover: and i my penis is quite sizeable
me: well. you still haven't. and...congratulations?
etlover: soo your not an alien
me: not that I'm aware of.
etlover: i beg to differ
me: on what grounds?
etlover: on the grounds that you look liek an alien
me: alright. well I'm about done here. have anything substantial to say, or are you just going to continue being ridiculous?
etlover: alien
me: okay. have a good night, then.
etlover: k alien


I don't even think there's anything else I can say about this. Except that Amadei has Psychic Tagging Abilities.

Jugs.

I had the misfortune of being away from the computer for this one.


realwinner: u look like u have amazing jugs...

...really, dude? Really? I'm not sure if that offends me on principle, or simply because people still use the word "jugs."


realwinner: i guess your not talkative, but i just wanted to give you a compliment. havea nice day.

Oh yes, that's quite a compliment. Making a creepy comment about my breasts.


And then about three hours later, when I was also, sadly, away from the computer...

realwinner: sorry about the comment about your breasts before. i didn't mean to offend u.

Well, uh...at least he apologized. Hopefully my unintentional silence will tell him that's not exactly the best way to approach a woman. Which is probably much nicer than what I would have said to him had I been present.

Mental: The Unexpected Part Deux

I wasn't aware there'd be a second installment to this saga, but here we are.

One of my recent entries was about a man who chose to tell me in his first message to me that he was both institutionalized and incarcerated in the past. The manner in which he revealed it did not sit well with me. I didn't reply.

Today he sent me another message. Subject line: "What gives?"

What is it that you didn't like about my message? You didn't even check out my profile. That's not being very open-minded! Oh well, maybe you will reconsider when you aren't having any luck with anyone else. Take care.

First of all... I did read his profile. Sometimes I choose the "browse anonymously" option on OKCupid, so people won't know that I've visited. Not that it mattered, because his (pages-long) message was essentially a re-wording of everything written in his profile. I can't stand it when people do that. There's putting thought into a message, and then there's wasting your time telling me things I can find out easily. Then again, with the frequency most men tell me they don't read my profile...

Secondly, nowhere in my profile do I claim to be open-minded. Do I think I am? Yes. But if you actually read what's written in my profile, I sound exactly the opposite. I reply to messages "very selectively" according to OKCupid (and that's prominently placed), and I say myself that I'm picky. What about that would lead him to believe that he'd get a response in the first place?

And finally... He hopes I'll reconsider when I'm not having any luck? So...what he's saying here is that he wants to be the guy I settle for? Well. That's awesome. And that comes off very rude to me for some reason, as well. Implying that I can't do any better.

I still haven't decided if I'm going to respond.

This is why we do not talk about boobs.

This guy had IMd me several times prior. The first time, he was a little creepy, but meant well. So I talked to him for a while. Then he got creepier, like calling me by my full name after Facebook-stalking me, and constantly asking me if I was talking to other guys, so I tried to get rid of him. But that was in July. He's gotten a bit more direct since then, it would seem.

weirdguy: hey
weirdguy: nice cleavage there - flaunt it
me: ugh.
weirdguy: just stating facts'
weirdguy: but yes - i guess i need to get laid soon to - right?
me: how would I know?
weirdguy: looking at the pic and noticing only the cleavage perhaps is a giveaway?
me: that just makes me think you're kind of an ass.
weirdguy: all men are - lookss like you never had one to know that

You all saw that I didn't start that, right? He brought it on himself, then decided to go for the low blow when I didn't like his approach. I totally didn't start that.

me: well that's a very nice thing to say.
weirdguy: only as nice as you are
me: if you say so.
weirdguy: just said it - didnt i?
me: "if you say so" does not imply doubt as to whether you actually said so.
me: you're not very good at this.
weirdguy: does evince a marked degree of compositional activity
weirdguy: that tends to have a rhythm
weirdguy: however, checkered by incompetence
weirdguy: correct - not very good at this

LOLWUT? Someone got a new "word of the day" calendar.

me: and what is it you're after?
weirdguy: friends with benefits
me: you won't get it here.
weirdguy: figured that out when i knew you didnt understand men
me: what I don't understand are generalizations. that's all.
me: and for the record, you either have a brain, or at the very least, a thesaurus. lead with that rather than comments about a woman's tits and maybe you'll get a better response.
weirdguy: no point in wasting my time there
me: well it's unfortunate you feel it's a waste of time.

What a chore, showing a potential partner you're more than a penis with limbs. I mean, what good could potentially come of that? Booooring.

weirdguy: what to do - not getting anywhere with this
me: you should have figured that out before you even sent me a message. we've talked before, you were still an ass then, and I was still uninterested.
weirdguy: women turn around when they have not had a man in their lives for a long time - guess not you

So I'm supposed to finally get so sick of being alone that I lower my standards just enough to be with the likes of you? And again with the generalizations.

weirdguy: good luck with your life
me: lol, okay. back at ya.
weirdguy: i am all set for now - thank you - bye bye
me: try not to IM me again, thanks.
weirdguy: sure - will "try" not to

Ten bucks says I hear from him again. Because they never remember they've talked to you before, no matter how horribly it went. And despite the fact that the site saves all your chat logs and shows them in the current IM window.


And here's a short but confusing exchange from last night.

40somethingdude: you need to be an older man.........
me: why would I want to be an older man?
40somethingdude: duh????
me: I'm afraid I don't understand what you're getting at.

Is this reference to my "gay man in a straight woman's body" comment? His profile said he was straight, so that would make no sense. Did he mean "be WITH an older man"? He should have caught that when I didn't get it. I just... I don't know. Perceptive, this one.

Just what I always wanted.

This is the kind of thing one is faced with on Valentine's Day weekend.


(9:35:09 pm)IAMLAME: well here is a virtual rose for you... @--->>---
(9:35:20 pm)me: ugh, no thanks.
(9:36:01 pm)me: that's cheesy.
(9:36:19 pm)IAMLAME: yeah I kinda agree it is cheesy
(9:36:27 pm)me: then...why do it?
(9:36:30 pm)IAMLAME: but If I could give real roses, trust me I would
(9:36:38 pm)me: real roses are cheesy, too.
(9:36:46 pm)IAMLAME: not why u say that?
(9:36:59 pm)IAMLAME: its the thought that counts..dont all girls love flowers
(9:37:17 pm)me: no. I know a lot of girls who actually don't want flowers, and I'm one of them.
(9:37:32 pm)IAMLAME: ok then what do you like to recieve?
(9:37:46 pm)me: nothing.
(9:38:02 pm)IAMLAME: what about cards?
(9:38:07 pm)me: no.
(9:38:25 pm)IAMLAME: wow, your hard
(9:38:53 pm)me: I just don't want people wasting their money on meaningless things.

Bear in mind this guy is thirty-six years old. If he doesn't know by now that not all women can be easily bought with flowers and cards, there's really no hope for him. And what man that age gives out virtual roses? I wanted to virtual vomit on him.


(9:44:36 pm)IAMLAME: happy belated birthday
(9:44:45 pm)me: um...it was almost a month ago. heh
(9:45:04 pm)IAMLAME: thats why I said happy belated
(9:45:33 pm)IAMLAME: belated is a week after. once you're past that, don't say anything.
(9:46:02 pm)IAMLAME: damn you are hard on me.. lol
(9:46:36 pm)me: just calling you out for trying too hard.

Are you serious? That's like wishing someone a Merry Christmas at the end of January. You wouldn't do that, so why would you wish me a happy birthday a month later? Oh right, I'm supposed to think he's "thoughtful" and "sweet." Of course.


(9:59:25 pm)IAMLAME: so what kinda things can I ask you, that you wont think is a wate of time, or cheesy?
(9:59:49 pm)me: I don't know. try something.
(10:00:42 pm)IAMLAME: what do you like most about liberal arts?
(10:00:59 pm)me: wow... that's a really dumb question.
(10:01:16 pm)IAMLAME: :)
(10:01:36 pm)me: no, you shouldn't be smiling. really.
(10:02:01 pm)IAMLAME: well I can
(10:02:27 pm)me: you can. but you shouldn't be.

My profile says I have a Liberals Arts degree. If one knows what "Liberal Arts" is, they know there's really nothing to like about it in this economy. Which leads me to believe this guy has no idea. And who asks that?


(10:05:28 pm)IAMLAME: do u text
(10:05:35 pm)me: yes.
(10:05:50 pm)IAMLAME: I love texting
(10:06:35 pm)IAMLAME: verozin or att&T
(10:06:48 pm)me: there are other cell phone companies.
(10:06:57 pm)IAMLAME: yeah but out of those two
(10:07:05 pm)me: in reference to what?
(10:07:13 pm)IAMLAME: which u prefer
(10:07:31 pm)me: um.. how am I supposed to know that if I've never used one or both?
(10:07:49 pm)IAMLAME: fine whos your cell provider
(10:08:20 pm)me: why does it matter? unless you're looking for advice on switching carriers.
(10:08:40 pm)IAMLAME: no I switched from Verizon to AT&T
(10:08:55 pm)me: then why does it matter who I'm with?
(10:09:26 pm)IAMLAME: it dont,
(10:09:42 pm)me: ...then why are you asking?
(10:10:11 pm)IAMLAME: I find u interesting
(10:10:30 pm)me: and that's what you want to know about me? my cell phone carrier? um, okay.
(10:11:27 pm)me: this keeps getting more lame.

I'm guessing this was about to segue into "let's text each other," but...no. Sorry. And apparently I'm to deduce from this that my most interesting characteristic has absolutely nothing to do with me, but everything to do with my wireless plan. Nice.


(10:12:09 pm)IAMLAME: is your name Asia?
(10:12:21 pm)me: did you read my profile?
(10:12:31 pm)IAMLAME: I glanced at it
(10:12:39 pm)me: that explains a lot.

And there you have it. This is the attentive man we've all been looking for, ladies!


It'd be nice if men got smarter as they got older. It is apparent that's not the case.