BDSMwhat?

I logged onto OKCupid for the first time in forever this evening and saw that I had a message. Usually, messages get sent to my e-mail, too, so I was a little confused until I saw that it was just someone saving my profile as a favorite. Curious, I went to his profile to see what I could see.

The second paragraph of his "My self-summary" section threw me off for a second because it was a little odd:

***Other sections below elaborate on intent and talk a little about me. Please read the last half to get to know me a bit better..

A couple of paragraphs later, it continues with

Again. Please read the entire profile. This is a great forum to get it all out there so to speak. You can't say the things I am saying here when you first meet a girl. That said... read the end to get to know me a bit better outside of the 'top' of this profile.

O...kay. Yes, I'm going to read the whole profile, but why are you so insistent, dude?

When we go into the bedroom to fuck this is what you should expect:

OH! Well, that was...er...unexpected, but please, tell me what I should expect when we...go into the bedroom to fuck.

All discipline will be enforced in the bedroom... outside the bedroom I am very laid back... but would love to explore a D/s relationship.. ;) I enjoy rough kinky sex. I am very controlling in bed and am looking for a total service whore in bed. Outside of bed... good times always.

He would love to "explore" a D/s relationship? Much of the profile goes on with exactly how the woman should expect to be spanked, do as she's told, and perform as a "total whore." This goes on for...well...if I printed it out, I'd say it'd take up a good two pages.

You should expect to be fucked up your ass if you can accommodate me. If you can not your ass will be teased and fingered a bit. It will be nice if we get along and get close/tested to come in your ass every now and then. You will also be expected to take cum on your face and lips.

Nothing but class this one.

But, really, I don't see anything morally or ethically or even sexually wrong with BDSM; it's more that his profile switches from the above to stuff like this...

I am very skilled in mathematics and computer sciences.

...then back to this...

*You should be very submissive in the bedroom. You should be clean and intelligent.

...without so much as a how's your father.

And then after his several paragraph description of how, exactly, she's going to take it, he hardly bothers to fill out any of the other fields. For example, his "I'm really good at" section?

I'm kinda complicated with all the things I do to make a living. All totally legal :) ... I may spread myself a bit thin... but I make good cash. Word.

Word indeed, sir. I think, however, that I shall pass.

Things to Not Call Your Partner, Part Eleventy Billion

I am a big fan of nicknames. I give them out like candy. I once called an ex "my sweet petunia" so much his sister started calling him it. My coworkers know I'm referring to my dad when I say I need to call "My Joe." Through sheer force of will, I even got a friend to let me (AND ONLY ME) call him PJ even though he hates it.

I've been called a lot of things, too (don't laugh). I don't flinch when I'm called sweetie, cutie, darling, sexy, etc, etc etc. I still think the best one was when my (now ex-)fiancé accidentally called my best friend "sugar tits" because she answered my phone.

However, there are some nicknames that are not endearing. For example, I got the following message in my inbox over the weekend:

Cutie :)
Whats good knuckle head...i read your page...I guess your not boring! Why dont you check me out,after wards say HI or something...you'll be glad you did....HEY! and if your good...ill tell you my name

"Knuckle head?" Really? That's his line? A+ for creativity, but minus several thousand points for insulting someone he's trying to attract.

Minus several thousand more points for offering me a "reward" for "being good." Things I am not include, but are not limited to, a small child, a puppy, a verybadkittengetoffmylapwhileI'mtryingtotypecatasdfjkl;

Ahem.

And, finally, minus ten points from Hufflepuff for my not boring. He should probably stop before he accidentally the whole thing.

The Later It Gets, the Less Likely I Am to Change Out of My PJs

I wish I could say that there was some sort of preamble to this instant message, but he immediately hit me with this:

FLguy: wana hang out tonight?
Me: i'm sorry, what?
FLguy: hang out

Yes, yes, get to the point. It's not that I don't understand, it's that I don't understand.

Me: i imagine not.
FLguy: imagination is a state of mind
Me: indeed.

Translation: I get it; you are very deep.

FLguy: are you here for something serious
Me: generally, yes.
FLguy: we can have something non serious for one night

Deep like a FOX...er...no, wait.

Me: I doubt it.
FLguy: haha
FLguy: you have a good sense of putting things in perspective

It's one of my skillz; unfortunately, my skillz set does not include making weirdos go away. It was at this point that I had checked his profile and saw he was a native of Gainesville, FL.

Me: and strangely enough, i doubt i'd make it to florida and back in one night.
FLguy: i am in philly right now
Me: ah, i see.
FLguy: not gonna make you travle so far :)
FLguy: that would be rude on my part
Me: lol
FLguy: I am not as bad as you think :)
Me: i really have no opinion of you except that you randomly popped up and asked me to hang out

Which, I might add, is pretty frickin' bad, actually.

FLguy: well we can talk on phone a bit and if you like we can hang out else not
FLguy: and if you dont feel like giving your number you can call the hotel and ask for my room
Me: as tempting as that all is, i still have to be up early for work.

Sarcasm: Refuge of the Amadei since...whenever it is she learned to speak.

FLguy: its still early right now..I will drop you off

At this point, it was about quarter to 9pm. Even if I were the kind of girl to randomly meet someone at his hotel, it certainly wouldn't be after 9pm on a Wednesday.

Me: lol
Me: if your hotel's in philly, it's probably an hour from where i am anyway.
FLguy: whats your zip
FLguy: I am in sheraton near the airport if you know where that is
Me: yeah, that's like an hour.
FLguy: oh I am sorry
FLguy: i dont have a car not do I know anything abt here
Me: i'm pretty much on the other side of the city. kinda.

He doesn't have a car, but he said earlier in the conversation that he'd drop me off, so that leaves me to consider the idea that he a) is Superman, b) has a broomstick, or c) is lying about something.

FLguy: you could leave from here

I could...wait, what?

Me: ha ha
FLguy: we can have breakfast here at the hotel in the morning
Me: i find that all very unlikely.

BECAUSE I AM NOT INSANE.

FLguy: your words are amusing
Me: i'm glad you're amused.
FLguy: sometimes
FLguy: but its boring here
FLguy: cant you make a one time exception to travel here
FLguy: its going to be a good company
Me: exception to what?

I really wanted him to say something like "to your rule of not having sex with random guys on the Internet," but I was unfortunately not given that little fun gem.

FLguy: to hang out
Me: considering i have to get up at 6am to be at work at 7am, i'm not inclined to meet with some random person who's here for one night only.

Or at all, really, but I was trying to drive the point home.

FLguy: my sister lives in NJ so I come here sometimes
Me: ah.
FLguy: yea
FLguy: and you are always welcome to come to florida
FLguy: anytime :)

Because him having a sister in NJ and me being welcome in FL makes me meeting him at his hotel so much less creepy.

Me: what is in gainesville?
FLguy: umm good springs and beaches are close by
FLguy: i have a car there so it wont be any problme going around
FLguy: lol
FLguy: i am an open book so
FLguy: i like you to be honest
FLguy: you have been very sweet and without any attitude
FLguy:which is not common
Me: lol thanks

Translation: I've been planning this blog post since the first thing you said.

FLguy: we can go for a drink if you like
FLguy: i wana see some places before i leave philly
Me: i'm pretty sure i'm in for the night.

Time check: It is now 9:15pm.

FLguy: philly girls are weird
FLguy: i dont know
FLguy: completely different experience
Me: lol how so?
FLguy: well they will talk to you and you might think they would hang out or so
FLguy: and in the end its "I am too tired, its very late"
FLguy: thats what I heard last time
FLguy: there is not point in being good and sweet anymore and wasting time
FLguy: it doesnt lead to anything

I don't think I gave him any indication that it could possibly lead to anything, but hey, maybe we're having two different conversations.

Me: i don't generally hang out with anyone the first time talking to them.
FLguy: everyone is different in its own way
Me: indeed
FLguy: its not that late come on
Me: it is that late.

A sentiment I feel I have made abundantly clear during the tenure of our conversation.

Me: and i just don't randomly meet people offline for one night.
FLguy: but I dont have any other choice
FLguy: else I would have stayed here
Me: i am failing to see how that affects me at all.
FLguy: its alright
FLguy: it doesn
FLguy: i am just wasting my time I think
Me: hm. good thought.

I mean, seriously. He had talked to me for over an hour at this point and I still wasn't leaping into my car, so...

FLguy: you can feel good abt yourself right n ow
FLguy: but karma is always fair to everyone
FLguy: so it will your turn someday
Me: i doubt that karma will think that i am a bad person for not going out on a work night to meet up with a random guy at his hotel.
FLguy: well thats not the point
FLguy: but your statement was rude
FLguy: last one
Me: hm.

You heard it here first--because I didn't pay it forward and just whip on down to the Airport Sheraton, karma is going to bite me in the ass especially as I've uttered a rude statement. But FLguy wasn't finished waxing philosophical.

FLguy: if you meet a stranger anywhere, is that the first time or you have met themin some previous life too
Me: yes, but if i meet someone in, say, the mall, i can already see that they are perhaps not an axe murderer whereas random people on the internet could be completely different from how
FLguy: I mean you girls say it all the time " I dont meet strangers or I dont talk to them"..are you girls born here with friends

HE HAS FIGURED US ALL OUT, LADIES! The reason we need to go to the bathroom in groups is because we're born with all the friends we'll ever have and WE CANNOT RISK LOSING ONE.

Me: and really none of that trumps that i have to be at work at 7am.

Which, strangely enough, is really all I was trying to get him to acknowledge. It became almost like a game. But let's move on from philosophy to criminal justice:

FLguy: well then you need to put more attention to the current events
FLguy: most of the victims are not from online
FLguy:but from someone who knew them very closely
Me: lol
FLguy: go watch forensic files on tru tv
FLguy: it will give you some idea on what basis most cases are based
FLguy: and its not some bullshit like CSI
FLguy: its a 100% true event
Me: i've seen it.
FLguy: oh
FLguy: i thought most of you girls only watch what lindsey lohan is doing or which club paris hilton is going to
FLguy: i didnt know some of you actually watch those kind of "boring" shows
Me: ha ha. very funny.

After that, I didn't really feel inspired to talk with him anymore.

Knowledge and the Pursuit of Happiness

Humans are curious creatures. Without this curiosity, this thirst for knowledge, the modern marvels we take for granted would never exist. There are so many great questions out there that have been asked...

If Columbus hadn't asked "Think we can get to India if we sail west from here?" we'd all still be living in Europe. If the Wright brothers hadn't thought, "Do you think we can build something to fly in?" there would be no air travel as we know it today. If that one guy hadn't had a really clumsy wife who kept cutting herself, we wouldn't have Band-aids, but he asked himself, "What can I do so that she doesn't keep bleeding all over the linoleum?"

Then there are questions that shouldn't be asked, questions that make the questioner look like a complete douche, questions that make the questee hit the desk with her forehead. Like this one:

(8:39:21 pm)R****: How come no bf yr cute

There is truly no good answer for this question, but let's consider some responses.

• Because no one's asked me.
• Because I'm secretly a man.
• Because I'm a crazy bitch.
• Because, like, there's this guy, yannow, and I'd, like, really like him to be my boyfriend, yannow, but he, like, is in, like, a bad spot in his life, and, like, it's just not working out, yannow, but, like, maybe something good'll happen, yeah? *gum snap/hair twirl*
• Because I'm overwhelmed by the number of quality men on this site, I can't decide on just one.

Don't forget about commenting for our giveaway or I shall be very sad!

Best Proposition I've Heard All Day, Though...

A 26-year-old from London, England asks...

PossibleMooch: hi, can i ask you something crazy?
Me: sure.
PossibleMooch: could i come stay with you for a while?
Me: i very much doubt it. why?
PossibleMooch: im just trying to get out of london, and find work
PossibleMooch: abroad
PossibleMooch: ok nevermind

I checked out his profile and while not entirely complete, and his only picture shows nothing of what he looks like, he doesn't come off as particularly weird until the part that says, "Also, if you want an EU visa I'm up for marriage - apartment exchanges."

Does that mean if you give him an apartment, he'll marry you?

Me: this may be a silly question, but what prompted you to ask me in particular?
PossibleMooch: well, you seem like you're fairly together, a fairly strong woman
PossibleMooch: maybe not prone to crazniess, but with gererous inclincations
Me: ah. fair enough.

So, ah, yeah...that was odd.

Ugh, being a good person is SO HARD.

So... The man with the intrusive question from this post returned for an IM conversation the other day. And I will say...it wasn't going horribly. Until this happened.


Talking about how he was at a local bar for New Year's Eve...

redflag: but was only for a short period of time, before the colored folks showed up
me: ...colored?
redflag: oh cmon
redflag: not that i am racist or anything
me: "colored" is not an okay term to use unless you're talking about pre-integration periods in the south.
redflag: it's not a term i use often
redflag: was something that just came to mind
me: yeah, well, just so you know, it might lead people to believe you're ignorant.

I don't buy that it "just came to mind." Not for a second. But whatever. I had nothing else to do. So I kept talking to him.


Now we were discussing his late night trip to Denny's the night before.

redflag: it's always a great time
redflag: especially when the food is on the house
redflag: unbenounced to them
redflag: lmao
me: you...did a dine and ditch?
redflag: i did
redflag: well, my group did

Mind you, he's 26 years old.


me: that's really not cool.
redflag: i was with 4 other friends and the generally consensus was to dine and ditch
redflag: obviously i am not going to get on my moral high horse and say "hey guys cmon, thats not cool"
me: why not?
redflag: for one thing i was an bit too innebriated, and secondly they would of done it reguardless and i would of been the jackass to take care of the bill
me: I'd rather pay the whole bill if it meant I'd find out what kind of "friends" I had.
redflag: hey what can i say, when my friends and I are drunk...we get a little crazy

That's right... "My friends and I." They were all drunk. And got in a car to go to Denny's. Awesome.

We argued for a while about ethics, and his basic response was, "I'm not proud of it, but it's funny." You just took money out of someone's pocket, and you could have killed someone driving drunk. Oh yeah...LOL. I was done with that.


He returned late last night with this nugget.

redflag: i think you might find it interesting to know that denny's called the cops and they reviewed survellance tapes and one of my friends cars got ID'd and they called him at 5am and told him if he does not pay the bill they will arrest him, so he went down and payed the bill

Now that? That's funny.


Of course I got lectured for being judgmental, and he defended his behavior as "living on the edge" and told me I should "try it sometime."

redflag: well, yah know...if you feel like this situation is enough to deem me as someone who is unworthy of your time then so be it
redflag: but perhaps it would behoove you to forgo some of you qualms about people and there behavior cause you might find that with a few exceptions there might be a great person behind the bullshit they do

(insert eyeroll here)

You do stupid teenage shit like get wasted and drive, then run out on a bill in your late twenties, and use an archaic, ignorant term for another race. But I'm in the wrong? Of course I am. Because I'm turning you down.


Grown-ups and non-hypocrites: Endangered species.