Three Messages

I haven't checked my OKCupid inbox since the beginning of February, but I just got an e-mail notification that I had a message, so I went in and found three new messages! If I had gotten three new messages in a little over a month when I was still single, I would have been shocked and amazed...so of course they come when I'm not single.

Message the First

first thing i see from this site is that gun you are holding lol

Fair enough; my main profile picture is me and a Stormtrooper from last year's Dragon*Con. What's a little weird about this guy is that under the "The most private thing I'm willing to admit here" section, he has "Aliens are gods."

So that's a little weird.

Message the Second

Do like hot, passionate sex talk? I bet we could have some real fun together.....

This is yet another instance when I wonder if this ever works. I would like to know the percentage of women who would get that message and think, "You know...I really do like hot, passionate sex talk. I should definitely e-mail this guy back."

Kudos for the use of the comma after "hot," though; normally those messages are rife with illiteracy. I almost want to message the guy and ask him to talk to me slowly...grammatically...

Message the Third

I would like to be your friend and know you, I think that knowing a person is like, open a new workbook, you always learn new things

I've heard the phrase "like an open book," but I'm not entirely sure I like being compared to a workbook. For some reason, that brings back visions of those awful enrichment math books my mom used to get for me in elementary school because I struggled with multiplication and division.

Things to Not Call Your Partner, Part Eleventy Billion

I am a big fan of nicknames. I give them out like candy. I once called an ex "my sweet petunia" so much his sister started calling him it. My coworkers know I'm referring to my dad when I say I need to call "My Joe." Through sheer force of will, I even got a friend to let me (AND ONLY ME) call him PJ even though he hates it.

I've been called a lot of things, too (don't laugh). I don't flinch when I'm called sweetie, cutie, darling, sexy, etc, etc etc. I still think the best one was when my (now ex-)fiancé accidentally called my best friend "sugar tits" because she answered my phone.

However, there are some nicknames that are not endearing. For example, I got the following message in my inbox over the weekend:

Cutie :)
Whats good knuckle head...i read your page...I guess your not boring! Why dont you check me out,after wards say HI or something...you'll be glad you did....HEY! and if your good...ill tell you my name

"Knuckle head?" Really? That's his line? A+ for creativity, but minus several thousand points for insulting someone he's trying to attract.

Minus several thousand more points for offering me a "reward" for "being good." Things I am not include, but are not limited to, a small child, a puppy, a verybadkittengetoffmylapwhileI'mtryingtotypecatasdfjkl;

Ahem.

And, finally, minus ten points from Hufflepuff for my not boring. He should probably stop before he accidentally the whole thing.

Literacy: A Lost Art.

I'm off from work today and managed to get all my errands done before noon (trust me, no one's more surprised about that than I am). So I'm just hanging around, watching a little Maury, waiting for the throngs of eligible men to send me messages.

But instead...I get this.

ykantireed: nice hair color
me: uh... thanks?
ykantireed: u welcome

Seriously, that's your opening line? Okay.

me: is...that all you have to say?
ykantireed: not really u cute too
me: okay then.
ykantireed: what do u do for fun?
me: did you read my profile or just look at the pictures?
ykantireed: no i did nor read your profile
ykantireed: nice lips

There are few things that annoy me more than a conversation based solely upon superficial observations. Superficial observations about anything. Small talk about the weather; statements such as "I like pie"; or a man's pathetic attempts to compliment my appearance, thinking that earns them points in my arbitrary scoring system. This is even more bothersome in the context of online dating, when I've typed multiple paragraphs of candid information about myself, so that a potential mate may learn something about me before initiating a conversation. This does not happen.

me: nice to know I put the effort into writing that just so it can be ignored.
ykantireed: i see u write a lot ab out your self
me: yeah, so I can avoid being asked stupid questions. it obviously doesn't accomplish that.
ykantireed: that's true

You're agreeing with me...as I'm clearly talking about you. Oblivious much?

me: yeah, anyway... was that it?
ykantireed: u have a cute cat

Now, I love my cat. But come on.

me: great, more stuff about the pictures.
ykantireed: so what do u up too
me: being annoyed by the people who send me IMs.
ykantireed: oh sorry about that i'm disturbe u?
me: wouldn't be so bad if anyone had actually bothered to learn something about me before they started a conversation.
ykantireed: u right about that

Again...you're agreeing. Okay.

ykantireed: can ask what is your name?
me: ...seriously?
ykantireed: yes
me: it's the FIRST LINE of my profile.
me: you can't even read the first line?

My name is literally the second word in the text of my profile. If you can't get that far, we're not a good fit. In fact, I'd prefer to sequester you on an island with others of your kind, and perhaps force sterilization upon you.

I'm five for five this afternoon on "men who don't give two shits who I am and only care what I look like." Why is it I bother again?

Goofus and Gallant, Rotten Fish Style

Gentlemen, in the same vein as this video, I present a couple of rules regarding how to maintain a girl's interest.

Rule #1: Be interesting.
Rule #2: Be intelligent.
Rule #3: Don't be uninteresting.

Case in point:

Me: what do you do now?
Exhibit A: i'm making concertinas, in a small three-person workshop.
Me: what is a concertina?
Me: a little concert?
Exhibit A: a little accordion -- the little hexagonal ones they took on sailing ships
Me: you are building little accordions.
Me: that is oddly fascinating. why, pray tell, are you making concertinas?
Exhibit A: well, it just follows naturally from politics, don't you think?
Me: obviously a direct link between politics and obscure musical instruments.

...versus...

Exhibit B: u like the band linking park?
Me: i do.
Exhibit B: there great live
Exhibit B: saw them with matalica and they took the consort

I rest my case.

I looking for beauty woman.

It's probably a little wrong to poke fun at the obviously illiterate, but...well, here we are.


hello beautifully

Beautifully what? You can't just put an adverb out there like that with no follow-up...

I was check out your profile and I see that you are very attractive woman. I would like to get to know u in more detail if u give me the time.

Okay, so verb tense isn't his thing.

I am going to tell you about my self. My name is Jeffrey. I am current single and look for a woman who is single too.She have to be serious and fun.You have to nice personality. I am look for long term relationship that is serious. I am look for somebody that is trust worthy compassion and understand and high computability.

"Computability"? Am I a calculator?

I also want somebody that can hold a conversation. I am a easygoing gut that like to have fun. I have a lot of hobbies. I am a very successful guy that will try to reach any goal that I set In life. I am a good guy that like to listen to what u have to said. I am easy to talk to about any thing.This is a opportunity to meet a serious fun love easy going guy. I am not here to waste your time or my time.

1) Hold a conversation? Huh. Okay.
2) Haha, he said he's an "easygoing gut."
3) Time has been wasted. I demand a refund.

I here to looking for the right woman to build a long term successful relationship with. If u are truly interest you can look at me profile and learn more about me.If u are truly u can content me at ********@yahoo.com or text me at **********. Hope to hear from u soon take care

To "content" him sounds a little bit too serious at this point in the relationship. I feel like we need to slow down.


I give him some credit: It was more than one sentence. So, y'know...B- for effort.

SWF ISO "Normal"

It's no secret that my biggest annoyance with the whole online dating thing is that men (this may be true of women, but I don't get messages from women, so I don't know) don't seem to put a whole lot of effort into their messages. I know it's "just the Internet," but the whole point is to then meet the person...well...in person, and if you're a complete idiot in your first message to me, what am I possibly going to think you'll be in person? Intelligent and suave? Unlikely.

So, I got this message in my OKC inbox:

I just wanted to say hello i really enjoyed reading your profile

As I have been accused of judging a book by its cover, I decided to return the message with the same amount of effort that was put forth initially. I responded with "Thank you. :)"

In return, I received this:

:) I honestly mean it I'm new to this Internet dating or whatever u wanna call it and so surprised to find someone normal is a relief

PUNCTUATION, GET YOU SOME.

But even beyond that--it's gotten to the point where the second some derivation of the phrase "I'm new to Internet dating" comes through on my computer screen I just shut down. It's almost Pavlovian, really. Someone could say it to me in real life on a street corner at this point, and my eyes would roll back in my head, then I'd collapse onto the ground, twitching.

I realize that it's a little embarrassing or whatever to be looking for a mate online, but I think we desperately need to get past that whole stigma as a culture. He's surprised that he found someone "normal," but we're all normal. We're all people in search of something.

And, I mean, come on. I could just be good at acting.

Same as it ever was.

Highlights from recent weeks.


First we have the following thrilling introductions.

1) How are things?

2) Hello Heather :) My name is Manny

3) How's your day going so far?

These are people I've never spoken to, and that was the full text of each message. Awesome.


And this one...

send me a wink

You just sent me a message...to tell me...to send you a wink? I... What?


This is from the same guy.

u dont smile in any of yor photoz? bad grammr got u down?

I'd love to give him the benefit of the doubt and say he was trying to be funny, but the content of his profile leads me to believe that is not the case.


And this one's my favorite.

You're really cute, mind if I fap to your photos?

It was nice of him to ask, I must say.

A Semi-Serious Rant on Effort

The problem, I suppose, with Heather and I possibly actually getting better love lives is that the fodder for this blog goes downhill. Luckily for you, however, that doesn't actually stop people from sending messages. For example, this note that just popped into my inbox about an hour ago:

Subject: hi
Body: how ar eyou doing cutie?

...

I wasn't even aware that I was doing cutie let alone expound upon how exactly I was going about it. I just feel it's a really sort of personal question to start out with and all that's not even considering the possibility of her Death Cab. Srsly.

Even beyond that low blow to the grammar side--it continually baffles me why someone would go through the effort of sending a message, but not make it even slightly interesting so the recipient would want to respond.

I looked at the guy's profile, and I can't figure out for the life of me why he thought we'd be a good match considering we have absolutely nothing in common except that we're both Pisces and like sushi. He likes weightlifting (a lot), horror movies, and wants to own a boat. I like yoga, can't stand horror movies, and think boats are a hole in the water you throw money into.*

It just goes back to what I noticed very early in my on-line dating career: I'm looking for someone who will put in a little effort, and "hi, how are you doing, cutie?" doesn't quite cut it.

*Apologies to my brother who, in fact, owns a boat. He was in the Navy, though, so that almost makes it okay.

I have a red pickup truck, LOL.

I got a message from this dude on PlentyofFish.

First of all... His profile was structured like a resume, with headings. The "intro," the "meat and potatoes," the "intent," and the "conclusion."


I'm faithful and full of energy. I can be monogamus with pride. I actually like sex, yup I just said that. II don't think theres anything wrong with telling you that sex is a GOOD thing.Yes, I like to pull on your hair during sex, who wouldn't. LOL! Why can't I have it with someone I care about? Lots of passionate kisses to go with it maybe even for hours, whos keeping track of the time anyways? (I wrote this so you can't say that I'm "misrepresenting" myself. LOL!)

Um, LOL, I wouldn't like it if you pulled my hair. Ugh. And what does that last sentence even mean?


My Harley was built by me from the ground up and would like a passenger once in a while. Yes, I have a red pick up truck too! LOL!

...oh. I am...not impressed. And sick of your LOL.


My "intent";
I'm looking for a woman that "Says what she means and means what she says with out being mean". A bonus would be that she takes pride in her appearance and actually has time for me.
I work for the state and am drug/STD free. (rather proud of that)

"Why does this need to be in quotes?" I swear, I'm getting to the point that nothing annoys me more than incorrect usage of quotation marks.


I know you women like to shop and are always trying to find the best deal. The women who actually check the item (me) out and see if it will fit and look good on them are welcome in the store. The women who are consumed with window shopping forever will never know what they just missed.(good luck in you search)

"You women"? Good job stereotyping. And that's a pretty tired metaphor you have there.


PoF = fail.

Christian Women Beware...

...there are men in your religion who have gone off the deep end.

Tagline: am a person who needs respect and who respect others i am christian i respect my faith its the back ground of all the things

Holy run on sentence, Batman!

In His Own Words:
am a person who needs respect and i do respect in return i do make good use of my time am a christian its my back bone of faith . the following are the major things that am looking for .this person should love her self have respect to the people she loves she should be in position to handle any problems that may arise in other words she must be a problem solver that may arise in a house hold she should have some good loving since love is the most beautiful thing that God created for man and woman.to have a spirit of sharing, i love sharing it shows that you are thought of this kind of spirit make a happy home .honesty is the key for any relationship to grow in this case i would like to inform you that were things are not done in the straight way tend to break up in the end and this make the whole proses an easy and may affects both parties to break up easy.in any relationship to grow their must be children for a man and a woman these are fruits that we can look on our time to come .in the book of creation God created man in his own image and that was adam and from adams ribs he created woman and she was called eva .man was happy because seeing eva as his wife .So for the above mentioned rally show that man needs a copanion

As I know you probably don't want to read that block of text, I'll pull out the places that really made me go "huh?" (as opposed to the other bits that just made me go huh?).

am a christian its my back bone of faith How can being a Christian be the backbone of one's faith? If one's faith is "Christian" it can't also be the backbone of that faith, can it? Am I making sense to just me again?

she must be a problem solver that may arise in a house hold I really wish this sentence ended with "and barefoot in the kitchen" because I feel that's where it was going.

He also goes on to say that partners should be honest with each other, with which I agree, but then he continues with i would like to inform you that were things are not done in the straight way tend to break up in the end. Apparently, he's somewhat of a relationship guru. Little did I know that not being honest would lead to the end of a romance. Do go on, most intelligent sir.

in any relationship to grow their must be children for a man and a woman these are fruits that we can look on our time to come Read as: I like sex without a condom, and it's God's will, so get used to being preggo.

Then he ends it all with a mini Bible lesson: God created man in his own image and that was adam and from adams ribs he created woman and she was called eva .man was happy because seeing eva as his wife .So for the above mentioned rally show that man needs a copanion

So...the point of a relationship is to give the man a companion? Did I somehow get warped to Utah? Or Texas? Or back to the 1600s in Boston?

But what really gets me is it's a dating website...you want to put your best foot forward, right? If that's his best foot, I'd hate to see his worst foot. It probably has stigmata on it.

Some people should never talk about themselves.

Bits and pieces from recent browsing.


I'm extremely good at adding and subtracting numbers that are less than 3 digits. If you give me two numbers or in some case three that fall in that range....like 45+20+10. that's 75. I crank that out all day..... if that's the sorta thing you're into.

So...you're really good at elementary-level arithmetic? Wow. That makes me so hot. If you can read The Cat in the Hat, I'll take my panties off.


I need to work on my sense of humor, or lack thereof.
I am the least arrogant person I know, but I do not know many people.

This guy must be a riot at parties.


I am a bit of a "Technology" Nut. ... I'm a "avid" video game player ... I'm really good at "Puzzle Solving."

Also a "fan" of "unnecessary" quotation "marks."


At some point i plan on going to collage to study archeology and become an archeologist, because i really studying and learning about ancient civilizations.

You might want to start with spelling. Just sayin'.


im interested in metting someone active and interested in relationship possily some one who likes animals and wants too do interesting things anyone who wants too talk can message me hopefully close too me

This atrocious run-on with poor spelling and homophone confusion is bad enough. But the most notable thing? He had pictures of both himself and his pitbull on his profile, and they looked alike. I shit you not.


I am not great at this. It feels too much like updating my resume or writing a performance appraisal. I can just give out some more basics; I'm a good guy, a great listener, very funny, emotional stable, and other things that I am probably forgetting at the moment. If there is something else you want to know about me, just ask.

Zzzz... I'm sorry, that was so generic. I fell asleep.


And my favorite, which was probably just a typo, but still amusing.

Well for starters I would say that I have a very laid back person.

Like...in your freezer? Locked in a closet? Should I call the police?

A Brief Conversation

Me: "My name is mike....I read ur bio and I liked it..Seemed really honest.....I just joined match 5 hours ago and trying it out....lol....Lets see I am fun and funny and nice..... .....I have not posted pics due to a strict workplace deal ..However If u want I can send a few to u .. I look good too !!
Ur job is close to what I do....I am on the phone alot and work in sales....Do u like ur job ??"
Heather: reply with, "ugh, stop. just stop."
Me: i should reply with "that's nothing like my job."
Heather: "it's like my job in that involves a phone. like many jobs."
Me: except for the part where i hardly use my phone. that part may be key.
Heather: but you have one, right? it's so the same.
Heather: at least he's not a prostitute. or maybe that'd be better.
Me: a prostitute might know what he's doing...

I also prefer men who don't abbreviate three letter words, but now I'm just being picky.

It's also a little weird that he called me honest because I'm pretty sure he's messaged me before today, despite having joined match only five hours ago.

Quality Bachelors.

Welcome to CraigsList, Western Massachusetts!


So here is the deal I am utterly obsessed with the rain forest and I want out of the US. The idea is simple. My family has property in Costa Rica. To become a citizen can be a hassle. Unless, your child is born in the country, then you can apply to stay there pretty readily. If you are currently pregnant and in a bad situation or if you just want out of here for a few years in a tropical paradise or want to start a family, what ever reasoning might work for you. Let me know. Everything there is fairly cheap and simple there. I am not saying living like a gods is going to happen, but comfortable an lets face it if you have to live comfortable where is nicer the rain forest and tropics or where ever you are now.

Oh yeah. That's a perfect plan for the woman. Leave the country and raise a child with a total stranger. Hope she knows someone who can perform a background check...


Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.

If smelling one another is enough, I've been in love with a couple hundred people. Probably more. God, I'm a slut.


Are you ugly, fat, old, nerdy, or even handicapped? Have you lost all hope of ever getting layed?Well I'm here to help. I'm 37,and a little on the chunky side, but what I lack in looks I more than make up for with the tounge action. (not sayin I'm ugly but I'm no Brad Pitt) I will discreetly come to your house or hotel, and make with the nice nice. Just drop me a line and/or a pic and we'll talk.

So this is, essentially, a pity fuck from a guy who would typically be the recipient of a pity fuck. Awfully nice stroke to the ego, isn't it, Not Brad Pitt?


I'm a fairly young Professor (in my 30s) at an Amherst college, who has always had a thing for precocious, intelligent, and (yes) sexy young women. There's something about the combination of the young female mind and the young female body.. I flatter myself to say that I've had several female students who have had an interest in me over the years. I've never pursued such interests due to the obvious seeming impropriety. However, now that Spring is here, the clothes are skimpier, and we're heading towards the last few weeks of the academic year, I find myself compelled to explore this fantasy further…

This? Is creepy. Thankfully I'm not still in college. Otherwise I'd be wearing about 75 layers to class, worried that my professor is perving on me then posting ads for sex on CraigsList.


Lemme start out by sayin craigslist is pretty awesome. Its helped me get a few trucks sold my camaro n got a bunch of other stuff bought and sold from it so thankkks to Clist! This is a bit different for me than posting a truck or car or anything lol i figured id give it a try seeings how i always check clist for new auto's n stuff. Im 21yrs old an thus far its pretty damn sweet at the moment i am landscaping and doing roofs waiting to leave for basic training in oktober. I am by no means a bum or slackker id say i am far beyond driven! Im good looking i cant lie about that I have no problems getting girls im not a creeper or somebody who sits around the house on the computr 24 7, I am always outside doing something, playing in the woods on 4wheelers or the dirtbike going fishin hunting in the winter. Basically and dont mean to sound shallow but you have to be hot!! Gotta have a graet personality and be able to make me laugh and make fun of me. I can entertain like no other ill say that. If ya wan email me if ya send a pic ill give ya one back. Im sure im bound to get some of them robot sex site emails but whatever ill go around them!!!

I...don't think I need to comment on this.

Briefs. Not like underwear.

Some excerpts from the past few days.


whaaa: hi
whaaa: lets talking

Well. I know I can talk. You, however... I'm not so sure about.


adjectiveguy: 3 words for me: Creative, Passionate, Dominant
me: um...good?
adjectiveguy: And youre how affectionate, quiet warm submissive
me: no, no, and no.
adjectiveguy: Ok take care then

This man clearly did not read my profile. Actually, he told me so much prior to this, and also tried to convince me writing about oneself is a "creative exercise." Except...it's an autobiography... Well, he's creative. I guess he'd know.


This one's fun. We'd been talking for approximately five minutes before this.

overzealous: may be we could go out sometime
me: you're a little young for me.
overzealous: am 20 is that going to be a problem its not for me
me: it's a little young.
overzealous: so its not gonna work ur saying right
me: well it might not work for a number of reasons, but that's not helping.
overzealous: can u tell me what will so i can do it

Why do men do this? Why do they assume every conversation is going to lead to a relationship? They can't just get to know a woman. It's so frustrating.

me: ...no. we don't know each other.
overzealous: we are getting there right
me: not...really.
overzealous: why not
me: you're getting a little ahead of yourself.
overzealous: with what
me: even asking if it would work out. if WHAT would work out? we're just talking.
overzealous: getting to know u, ok am sorry i maybe was alittle over my head

Yes, and getting to know me doesn't "work out" or "not work out." It's a neutral entity. I...don't understand.

overzealous: lets jus take this slow and get to know each other
me: how about we just TALK and not assume we need to take anything slowly?

Oy. Then he asked if he could call me later.

me: I don't give out my number after 10 minutes.
overzealous: ok ur jus giving me a hard time thats good cause nothing thats good comes easy
me: if you're going to say crap like that, it's not going to come at all.

He's tried to IM me four times since. Clearly he got the hint.

And this one's just amusing. I enjoy a good ellipsis. Frequently. And he noticed.

grammarpolice: u like using dots
me: except that's not what they're called.
grammarpolice: ?
me: ellipsis. the correct term is ellipsis.
grammarpolice: well sorry im not "intellectual" enough for u
me: I...don't recall saying that.
grammarpolice: o...k
me: that isn't quite the correct usage, but...uh, cool.

Capslock Is the Cruise Control for COOL

Tagline: LET THE WORLD BEWARE I AM LOOKING FOR MY QUEEN MY( TIHERY JOSE). TIYPE WHEN I FIND HER IT OVER .SELF MAN MAN I WILL HAVE HER !!

I'm not sure what a Tihery Jose is, or what a "self man man" is, but I'm actually more concerned with the last little phrase there. The "I WILL HAVE HER" one. That creeps me the hell out.

Profile: ALFA MALE SEEK QUEEN MUST HAVE A TASTE FOR LIFE MUST BE WILLING TO WORK HARD AT IT WITH GREAT EFFORD COME GREAT REWARD IF YOU CAN WORK HARD WITH ME ,AND STIL WHERE THE HELL OUT OF A SILK DRESS ON OWER VACATIONS THEN WE CAN WORK I AM BUILDING AN LIFE FOR THE BETTER I JUST NEED ONE GOOD WOMEN .THEN THE WORLD BEWARE NOTHING WILL STOP US!!!!!!!

I have a few questions.

1. Is an alfa male full of hay?
2. I don't know if whereing the hell out of a silk dress is a good idea, even if it is on "ower vacations."
3. He needs one good women. Er, what?

He also lists his profession as a "master weilder/ engineer" which only makes me wonder what he professionally weilds.

He would like to buy a vowel.

I have no words. And he doesn't seem to have any, either. At least not entire ones.


shorthand: hmm .... whr ar u

...huh?


me: are you trying to ask me WHERE I am?
shorthand: yup yup

Oh, that clears things up.


me: that information is on my profile, I'm fairly sure.
shorthand: ya bt it doesnt tells d current loctn i mean ur in offce home etcc
me: wow... I'm not answering anything until you start asking it in English.
shorthand: haha its in english dear .. iiam just using shorthand

I have never seen any shorthand that looks like that. Am I missing something?


me: and it makes you look stupid.
shorthand: haha
shorthand: really
me: really.
shorthand: actually its hard to type entire words exactly while chatting
me: that's funny... I manage to do it. I don't find it difficult at all.
shorthand: because you arn't use too of it
shorthand: am :P

That doesn't even make any sense. Of course I'm not used to it. Because I like appearing literate in my interactions with other people.


shorthand: so ... wat you do in general
me: I'm sorry... I'm afraid we're going to hit an enormous language barrier. perhaps we should end it here.
shorthand: lol
shorthand: fine lady its all your wish
me: well that's the first sentence I've understood.

Let me just add here... He was 24. Far too old for this half-assed attempt at communication. Oy.

But At Least We Could Talk About It...

This is the first message I got on OKCupid that made me go "Huh?"

From: [handle redacted, even though I really wanted to leave it as it only adds to the WTFery]
Subject: Hello Brutally Honest

Hi Did you ever just what to shake your parents up ? If yes you should email my back ... By me showing up with a breed ... and old-enough to be your father and some ... we can shake up the world ... I love to travel ... have a motorcycle ... I'm great at canoeing and looking forward canoeing the John Henizs Nature Center near Phil. ... If you reply we can at least talk about it ... ha ... lol ... thanks ... HUGS Howard ... ex New Yorker in Pa

His major selling points include

• the opportunity to "shake my parents up"
• being the same age as my mother
• having much skill with a canoe
  
• being a "breed," and
  
• many ellipses.
  

I know you're all jealous and in SHOCK that I didn't message him back...but being an ex-New Yorker? That's such a dealbreaker for me.

Do you understand the words coming out of my fingers?

This eloquent gentleman sent me an IM last night.


mrilliterate: what up
me: hello.
mrilliterate: u have yahoo or aol
me: yes.
mrilliterate: add me

Uh, excuse you. Don't tell me what to do. And we're talking here. What's the rush?


me: why would I do that?
mrilliterate: to talk more
me: and how do I know I want to talk to you?
mrilliterate: lol
me: oh, great answer.

At this point, I'm wondering if he can even comprehend sentences longer than two words...


mrilliterate: how do i look
me: is that supposed to be the deciding factor?
mrilliterate: k

That's...not an answer.


mrilliterate: what u think of my profile
me: haven't read it. I'm unimpressed with the sentence fragments I'm seeing here thus far.

He doesn't know what that means.

Then just when I thought he was gone...


mrilliterate: u read it yet
me: yes.
mrilliterate: what u think
me: what do you think I think?
mrilliterate: idk
me: did you read MY profile? because then I think you'd know.

He's a hardcore Christian, and he's into things like four-wheeling and NASCAR. He mentions he had to have someone type out his profile for him so that it was comprehensible. Oh, and he lives 1000 miles away. No thanks.


mrilliterate: no
me: oh, so I'm expected to read yours but you can't give me the same courtesy? that's nice of you.
mrilliterate: nice

He's reminding me of someone who is clearly not listening when someone else is talking, so they pick out key words and repeat them to make it appear as if they're paying attention. Those nineteen words were obviously TL;DR for him.


me: I'm pretty sure you just sent me an IM because I have boobs.
mrilliterate: no
me: then why if you don't even know what I'm about?
mrilliterate: just u was on and your pic was cuite
me: same thing.

First of all... "You was"? That makes me twitchy. And second... I really, sincerely do not understand this. We have online dating profiles so that we can learn something about a person first and not waste their time talking when we're not compatible. Unless I'm wrong and "your pic was cuite" is enough upon which to base a relationship.


Thankfully he got the hint after that. Oy.

I LOVE YOU RALFY

Without further ado, let me bring you Ralfy:

Wus up peoples my name is ralfy im half puertorican an dominican.Im born an raised in New York,i am a Building Inspector/Firefighter/Hairdresser and soon to be a Police Officer.As you can see I like to work,well i should say i like the money but who dont.I have a 6 year old daughter who is my life I LOVE YOU MAMA!!! I like to be in the outdoors doing basicly anything like hunting, fishing ,camping going four wheeling etc.........I dont know what else to say other then im looking forward to meeting some new people.

I like this profile. It's full of surprises. It lures you in with the possibility of normality, then SPINS right around into the strange. I've never met a building inspector/firefighter/hairdresser/police officer before.

However, I am also slightly concerned about the juxtaposition between telling us his daughter is his world and this sudden capslock ridden shout of loving his mom. I'm left with two choices: either he has familial ADD or he calls his daughter Mama. Both may be equally bizarre.

But I love the run on sentences; the possibilities for what any of those phrases could mean are almost endless depending on where I choose to put in the punctuation.

For instance, I think "Ralfy Im Half Puertorican An Dominican" is one helluva name. It would NEVER fit on any of those standardized test fill-in-the-bubbles-with-your-name sheets.

This is a man who could never take the SATs.

Wifey? Really?

I was an English major in college. In fact, I graduated with a degree in English. With high honours, even. But, sometimes even that fails me.

Tagline: Hey ladys .

Profile: AM FROM NEWARK NJ .BUT NOW RESIDED IN ALLENTOWN PA.AM A VERY OPEN MAN WITH A GOOD HEAD ON SHOULEDER.LOVE TO SMIOLE AND HAVE FUN .AM SEEKING MY BETTER HALF .HOPEFULLY WIFEY.SOMEBODY WHO I CAN GROW OLD TOGETHER WITH.

I have no idea what that means. I mean, conceptually I know what it means, but it feels like it's written in the same language as the Voynich Manuscript.