Plato Was Sexy, However...

Okay, so this isn't really a Rotten Fish, but it's from a Craigslist ad, it made me giggle, and we haven't updated in a while, so I'm sharing it with you.

I found this under the "strictly platonic" section of the Atlanta Craigslist:

Lets Stay Warm Tonite! Sexy Black Fem Seeking Sexy Black Fem! - w4w - 27 (EastSide)
Sexy and Single Black Fem is looking for her cuddle buddy!... Its getting cold outside, but we can stay in and make some good heat! I want to make this a 1 on 1.... No BBW please.
I want to hear from you tonite! Im in the Lithonia/Stn Mtn area! Put WARM PUSSY in the subject line. SO I know that you are real. Talk to you soon!~

For the reason why this is hilarious, please see this Wikipedia entry. I'll be here at home, snuggling my cat.

A Little Weirdness for Your Saturday Night

I am not entirely sure why this guy decided that he'd IM me again after I hadn't responded the first time, but luckily for all of us, he caught me when I was sitting at my computer. Here are some choice snippets from our conversation.

Mistaken Identity
HolyMexicoBatman: do you speak spanish as well?
Me: nope
HolyMexicoBatman: don`t mind if i became in your spanish tutor..
HolyMexicoBatman: hey it will be a great aventure to have one beautiful spanish girl as an estudent

Nowhere in my profile does it say I'm Spanish; not even a tiny bit. If people do try to guess my ethnicity, it's usually Irish because I have blue eyes. They don't even guess Italian and that's what I am.

Leaps of Cognizance
HolyMexicoBatman: are you seeing someone at this point?
Me: not at the moment
HolyMexicoBatman: mmmmm are you ready to letting a mexican to treat you like a princess
Me: i'm not sure.
HolyMexicoBatman: hey... remember spring and a lot of rain is coming..
HolyMexicoBatman: won`t you be gladd to have a big sombrero as an umbrella

Were I not single, would I be on a dating website? If a tree falls in the woods, but no one was around, would it make a sound?

Cyrano? Please Let It Be Cyrano
HolyMexicoBatman: ...wish i could find some one like you
HolyMexicoBatman: so on a good beautiful nite with a brightfull moon serenate you
HolyMexicoBatman: and of course to admire the splendid beauty of yours?

My outer beauty is only eclipsed by my inner beauty...and my penchant for posting the ridiculous things men say on my website.

Non Sequitur FTW!
HolyMexicoBatman: what was for breakfast today?
Me: yogurt
HolyMexicoBatman: mmmmm yummy..
HolyMexicoBatman: then you`ll must be a sweet lady
HolyMexicoBatman: possibly
HolyMexicoBatman: love to experience that while having my senses together

WHAT?! I am so confused. Maybe he'll start making sense at some point...

No, Wait; Still Confused
HolyMexicoBatman: when will be my lucky day when a girl like you go out with me on a date..
HolyMexicoBatman: lots of ice cream in the middle of the green meadow..
HolyMexicoBatman: just a though!!

I guess not...though now I'm having visions of hillocks made of mint ice cream. Or green mochi. Mmm...green tea mochi...

Fables.

And now it's time for Tales From My OkCupid Inbox!


This was a missed IM.

you look mad in your pics lol

I'm not mad in them. But what if I were, and you were "lol" at me and my feelings, you insensitive bastard?


I don't think some people realize that IMs are not like answering machines.

good evening. i enjoyed reading through your profile and would like to chat with you. i hope you are having a fantastic weekend thus far, and I look forward to hearing from you soon! :)

You've sent me an IM. We're chatting. In fact, generally people respond right away, given the concept of instant messaging. But if you insist...next time leave a callback number.


But if you're going to IM me with this, and only this:

?

...just give up.


Finally we have... Well, I find this indescribable.

have a random 'fable'

The Eggbanana and the molecule of vitamin B12.

Once there was an Eggbanana overwintering in a
gingko tree in Chicago. It was accosted by a molecule
of vitamin B12 who said "I am a molecule of vitamin B12".
The Eggbanana prompty ate the molecule.

Immoral of the story: Be wary of grains of cumin, for they may try to sell you Cheese Insurance.

Can someone explain this to me? Is there something funny here that I'm missing? At last check, eggs and bananas can't mate, ginkgo trees don't grow in Chicago, and molecules of B12 don't talk. Then again, I live on Earth - a place with which this man does not seem familiar.


I think the next entry will tackle the Holy Grail of all dating sites - PlentyOfFish.

A Surefire Way to Impress the Lady

I don't normally hold with making two posts in the same day, but this one literally fell into my lap, so here it is.

Having decided at almost the last minute to go to the movies, I received an IM on OKC. As I was literally getting up to leave my apartment, I closed the browser and went on my merry way.

I saw Mao's Last Dancer--if it's playing near you, go see it; it was great.

When I came home, I decided to check my OKC account as I haven't been getting e-mails when people message me recently. Imagine my delight when I saw that I did, in fact, have a message.

Unfortunately for me, it was just informing me that I'd missed a second IM from the guy I'd closed my browser on:

Well this has been stimulating. I feel like I really know you now. I hate long goodbyes... but i really have to go :'(

Yes, sir. Woo me with your sarcasm.

Sexy Lips II: Groundhog Day

Today, rather than sit at home, surfing the Internet for hours on end, I decided to venture out into the real world. I had a package to mail, so I went to the post office, and while I was there bought stamps, then eventually made my way to Borders with the intention of writing out the postcards to various people around the world, but ended up talking to my friend Mike and surfing the Internet.

Of course, along with Facebook and gmail, OKCupid had its own tab on my browser window. I was halfway through writing a postcard when I noticed the tab was flashing.

Oh my God.

He did try and spice it up a bit this time, though. This IM said, "sexy lips/". That little forward slash makes all the difference.

His profile's changed a little bit since that first time, too. Now the highlight is in the "You should message me if" section:

your not a loser.
you dont lie.... sad to say 70% of the girls on here lie so much its too funny they must just want attention anyway they can get it.
no druggies too

I love it when people automatically assume I'm a liar! Woo hoo! :P

Sexy Lips

June 4, 2010
Random: sexy lips
Me: i'm sorry?

July 18, 2010
Random: sexy lips
Me: i'm sorry; what?

At least he's consistent with his openings.

Random: lol
Random: sexy lips
Me: o...kay.
Random: o.... sorry next time i will say no wonder your single.

You heard it here first. It's no wonder I'm single because I don't respond favorably when a person IMs me with nothing but an adjective+body part.

Me: i'm not the one who randomly IMs people with strange phrases without context.
Random: and i am not the one who gets all you can eat buffets closed down

A veritable bastion of class and maturity, this one.

I messaged him back that he was the one who messaged me first, but alas, he'd already signed off. For shame.

Feline fail.

I have pictures my of cat on my profile, like all aspiring crazy cat ladies should. And I mention in there that she's 14 and my best friend. Because it's true.

I got this message earlier.

hey i had my cat for like 11years now

Well, that's great. It really is. But what's your cat's name? What's he/she like? Come on, now. I call my cat my best friend in my profile. That means I want to hear everything.

Something's wrong with you when you can't even pick up a woman who spends all her time with her cat. Just sayin'.

Sexual Fantasies: The New Icebreaker

Super Hero: hi
Me: hi

Classic!

Super Hero: so here is a question as far as an icebreaker lol
Me: okay.
Super Hero: hypothetically...
Super Hero: would a guy with a fantasy out of a comicbook be too geeky? lol

LOL, I don't know, LOL. But, hey, my profile says I read too much and play World of Warcraft, so obviously being "too geeky" is a huge concern.

Me: i suppose it would depend on the comic book and what the fantasy was.
Super Hero: oh I see lol
Super Hero: mine would probably make you laugh lol
Me: would it?
Super Hero: well lets just say I like a strong type of woman with a bit of a dominant side lol

But who is it, man?! Is it Wonder Woman or Catwoman? Were any of the Lanterns women? Is it some obscure comic book character no one's ever heard of but you?

Oh, wait, I know. It's Dr. Manhattan, isn't it? You coy sonovabitch.

Me: that's very descriptive.
Super Hero: true vague enough though so as not to be blushing ;-)

Sigh. I need to get my sarcasm notifier re-tuned.

And, no, even in the course of the rest of the conversation, I never found out which comic book fantasy was his; he just apologized profusely for some insult he thinks he gave me, but I couldn't quite figure out.

IRMEDD420 III: The Curse of IRMEDD420

I love it when I have repeat offenders.

Keep in mind that the conversation to this point has been him calling me "baby," then telling me which of the pictures on my profile he liked the best.

IRMEDD420: so you arent interested eh?
Me: should i be?
IRMEDD420: i think you should wanna go out
IRMEDD420: :)
Me: why's that?
IRMEDD420: b/c as i said your sexy

Apparently, the gentleman thinks that mama raised a fool. I did attempt to clarify, though...

Me: i should want to go out with you because you said i'm sexy?
IRMEDD420: lol

But, but, but isn't that what he just implied? It's times like these when I question my own reading comprehension.

IRMEDD420: uh i would hope you'd be attracted to me as well?
Me: so i should go out with you because you said i'm sexy and you hope i'd be attracted to you?

All I'm looking for is an answer--a simple, succinct answer...

IRMEDD420: listen...do you meet many people here?

Apparently, he thinks he's Socrates: "I will answer your question by asking you a question."

Me: a fair amount, i'd say.

This is a lie. In the year I've frequented OKCupid, I have met a grand total of four men. I wonder why that could possibly be.

IRMEDD420: how? when you try tp be all superior and act bitchy?
IRMEDD420: damn

Oh, right. That's why.

Me: i'm just trying to make sure i understand what you're asking!

That's a lie, too. I be trollin', I be hatin'...

IRMEDD420: just cause your sexy doesnt mean you can act pretentious
Me: why not?
IRMEDD420: seriously?

Me: how can you even question my seriousness?

IRMEDD420: b/c its okc aND WE HAVE NO inflection WE JUST TYPE

Me: fair enough.

They be hatin'...on my trollin'...

IRMEDD420:well i got other women dieing to abuse me lol
Me: i am sure.

Oh, you wanted an argument? I'm sorry; this is abuse. You'll want room 12A.

IRMEDD420:go be all snooty by your lonesome bitch

Somehow, I'm pretty sure that a couple of AAs and my right hand will give me more satisfaction than he ever could.

Christian Women Beware...

...there are men in your religion who have gone off the deep end.

Tagline: am a person who needs respect and who respect others i am christian i respect my faith its the back ground of all the things

Holy run on sentence, Batman!

In His Own Words:
am a person who needs respect and i do respect in return i do make good use of my time am a christian its my back bone of faith . the following are the major things that am looking for .this person should love her self have respect to the people she loves she should be in position to handle any problems that may arise in other words she must be a problem solver that may arise in a house hold she should have some good loving since love is the most beautiful thing that God created for man and woman.to have a spirit of sharing, i love sharing it shows that you are thought of this kind of spirit make a happy home .honesty is the key for any relationship to grow in this case i would like to inform you that were things are not done in the straight way tend to break up in the end and this make the whole proses an easy and may affects both parties to break up easy.in any relationship to grow their must be children for a man and a woman these are fruits that we can look on our time to come .in the book of creation God created man in his own image and that was adam and from adams ribs he created woman and she was called eva .man was happy because seeing eva as his wife .So for the above mentioned rally show that man needs a copanion

As I know you probably don't want to read that block of text, I'll pull out the places that really made me go "huh?" (as opposed to the other bits that just made me go huh?).

am a christian its my back bone of faith How can being a Christian be the backbone of one's faith? If one's faith is "Christian" it can't also be the backbone of that faith, can it? Am I making sense to just me again?

she must be a problem solver that may arise in a house hold I really wish this sentence ended with "and barefoot in the kitchen" because I feel that's where it was going.

He also goes on to say that partners should be honest with each other, with which I agree, but then he continues with i would like to inform you that were things are not done in the straight way tend to break up in the end. Apparently, he's somewhat of a relationship guru. Little did I know that not being honest would lead to the end of a romance. Do go on, most intelligent sir.

in any relationship to grow their must be children for a man and a woman these are fruits that we can look on our time to come Read as: I like sex without a condom, and it's God's will, so get used to being preggo.

Then he ends it all with a mini Bible lesson: God created man in his own image and that was adam and from adams ribs he created woman and she was called eva .man was happy because seeing eva as his wife .So for the above mentioned rally show that man needs a copanion

So...the point of a relationship is to give the man a companion? Did I somehow get warped to Utah? Or Texas? Or back to the 1600s in Boston?

But what really gets me is it's a dating website...you want to put your best foot forward, right? If that's his best foot, I'd hate to see his worst foot. It probably has stigmata on it.

"Creepy" Is a State of Mind

I suppose a year is a fair amount of time to message someone for the second time. There's always a chance they've forgotten about you in the intervening time. Or perhaps their standards have lowered since that first message.

Unfortunately for this guy, neither has happened to me. I'm not sure my standards will ever be that low. He just sent me a boring IM this time ("hi") and I spazzed out and linked his profile to a friend of mine who pointed out this:


But what is really the icing on the cake is that this fifty-nine year old man who is looking for women aged nineteen to thirty-five has this in his profile:

The most private thing I'm willing to admit
is my fear of dating, even online dating, I've heard their are a lots of sick people out there ... but I'm still willing to put myself out here ... nothing to loose and every-thing to gain ... Like is just to short not to enjoy ... How about you ?

Emphasis in red mine.

My inner monologue as I read that: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA *inhale* HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Craig's House of Ill Repute.

Apologies for our absence. The oil spill is drastically reducing our haul. (See what I did there? Okay, yes, it was awful. I know.)


I stumbled upon this post on CraigsList Hartford.

I am a married male that is looking for a certain type of 40+ year old woman to be my personal playtoy. The reason that I want a woman over 40 is because you have already learned what life is about and you understand that the key to you being financially secure is to have a man in your life that can take care of you. In general... you need a man that can provide for you.

I was unaware turning 40 caused women to lose their entire self-worth and become subservient gold-diggers. Is that what I have to look forward to?


A playtoy to me is not a wife or girlfriend. She is a woman that takes care of my sexual needs and desires, she is a woman that I will never hit or abuse.

So you'd hit or abuse your wife or girlfriend? Nice.


She is a woman that will be there whenever I call to make sure that MY needs are satisfied. In return she gets the financial help she needs.

She is a prostitute.


I WILL NOT CONSIDER A WOMAN that
1) cannot host. I am not looking to go to hotels.
2) has a roommate or children that live with her.
3) is not able to be available for me 24 / 7. Whether I call you at 2 in the afternoon or 2 in the morning the only thing you should say to me is "should I be dressed or undressed when you get here".

Dude, I'm pretty sure there are services for this. That would probably cost less.


If you are looking to finally not have to worry about your bills being paid, or whether the gas and electric are going to be shut off, and you are ready to use the only thing you have (your body) to make sure that you are financially takin care of then her is what I expect you to do.

Wow. Just...wow. This guy thinks that all a woman has is her body? How about integrity? Pride? Oh, no, wait. She's a woman. She can't have that.


Stuff like this makes me wish I could sincerely become a lesbian.

This Post Starring David Bowie's Area

OKCupid has a feature called "Icebreaker" wherein it gives you a topic and a "mystery match." You write out your little message about the topic and it sends it off to about three other people who supposedly have that interest also.

I received one today with the subject "pans labyrinth." The entire body of the message?

bowie balls. :D

Now, anyone who's seen Labyrinth is probably very familiar with David Bowie's Area, because it pretty much is the biggest star in the movie. The biggest...anything...in the movie, actually. So there's really no doubt to what, exactly, my mystery match was referring.

Except that the movie Labyrinth is VASTLY DIFFERENT from the movie Pan's Labyrinth.

One's sort of a fantasy word where a girl is searching for her baby brother who's been kidnapped, and one's REALLY FUCKING FREAKY.

And includes no Bowie balls. At all.

So to you, mystery match: failsauce.

Quality Bachelors.

Welcome to CraigsList, Western Massachusetts!


So here is the deal I am utterly obsessed with the rain forest and I want out of the US. The idea is simple. My family has property in Costa Rica. To become a citizen can be a hassle. Unless, your child is born in the country, then you can apply to stay there pretty readily. If you are currently pregnant and in a bad situation or if you just want out of here for a few years in a tropical paradise or want to start a family, what ever reasoning might work for you. Let me know. Everything there is fairly cheap and simple there. I am not saying living like a gods is going to happen, but comfortable an lets face it if you have to live comfortable where is nicer the rain forest and tropics or where ever you are now.

Oh yeah. That's a perfect plan for the woman. Leave the country and raise a child with a total stranger. Hope she knows someone who can perform a background check...


Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.

If smelling one another is enough, I've been in love with a couple hundred people. Probably more. God, I'm a slut.


Are you ugly, fat, old, nerdy, or even handicapped? Have you lost all hope of ever getting layed?Well I'm here to help. I'm 37,and a little on the chunky side, but what I lack in looks I more than make up for with the tounge action. (not sayin I'm ugly but I'm no Brad Pitt) I will discreetly come to your house or hotel, and make with the nice nice. Just drop me a line and/or a pic and we'll talk.

So this is, essentially, a pity fuck from a guy who would typically be the recipient of a pity fuck. Awfully nice stroke to the ego, isn't it, Not Brad Pitt?


I'm a fairly young Professor (in my 30s) at an Amherst college, who has always had a thing for precocious, intelligent, and (yes) sexy young women. There's something about the combination of the young female mind and the young female body.. I flatter myself to say that I've had several female students who have had an interest in me over the years. I've never pursued such interests due to the obvious seeming impropriety. However, now that Spring is here, the clothes are skimpier, and we're heading towards the last few weeks of the academic year, I find myself compelled to explore this fantasy further…

This? Is creepy. Thankfully I'm not still in college. Otherwise I'd be wearing about 75 layers to class, worried that my professor is perving on me then posting ads for sex on CraigsList.


Lemme start out by sayin craigslist is pretty awesome. Its helped me get a few trucks sold my camaro n got a bunch of other stuff bought and sold from it so thankkks to Clist! This is a bit different for me than posting a truck or car or anything lol i figured id give it a try seeings how i always check clist for new auto's n stuff. Im 21yrs old an thus far its pretty damn sweet at the moment i am landscaping and doing roofs waiting to leave for basic training in oktober. I am by no means a bum or slackker id say i am far beyond driven! Im good looking i cant lie about that I have no problems getting girls im not a creeper or somebody who sits around the house on the computr 24 7, I am always outside doing something, playing in the woods on 4wheelers or the dirtbike going fishin hunting in the winter. Basically and dont mean to sound shallow but you have to be hot!! Gotta have a graet personality and be able to make me laugh and make fun of me. I can entertain like no other ill say that. If ya wan email me if ya send a pic ill give ya one back. Im sure im bound to get some of them robot sex site emails but whatever ill go around them!!!

I...don't think I need to comment on this.

Too Much Honesty, Part V: What the...?

I probably should have figured that if I spent any time at all with my OKCupid IM client on, he would have IMed me again, but it didn't really cross my mind. Thus, he popped up again last night:

Honest: you are rather lovely
Me: thank you.

I was seriously reading this with one eyebrow glued to the ceiling.

Honest: will we ever get to meet?
Me: beats me.
Honest: hahah
Honest: because i'd love to have you :)

I'd like to believe that this is really one of you readers out there screwing around with me, but as he started IMing me before Heather and I conceived the idea for this blog, I'm left with the unfortunate conclusion that he honestly thinks this is going to get me to meet with him.

At any rate, I signed off last night and fell asleep. Today, when I signed on, I didn't realize that the IM client was still running when I got another message:


Honest: hello :)
Me: hallo.
Honest: how are you, my sweet cake?

Quick interjection: "My sweet cake?" I'm not as anti-pet names as Heather is, but don't you have to have had some sort of relationship above hi-how-are-you-wanna-make-out before you get into them?

Me: i suppose i'm alright.
Honest: wanna makeout?
Me: with you? no.
Honest: oh, why not

That little "oh" made me feel like I had just kicked a puppy.

Me: because it is undeniably creepy that every time you IM me, you jump straight to making out/making love/whatever.
Honest: wow
Me: wow?
Honest: well i think you being so closed off is creepy, bye

Who wants to start a betting pool as to when the next time he'll message me is? Anyone?

Briefs. Not like underwear.

Some excerpts from the past few days.


whaaa: hi
whaaa: lets talking

Well. I know I can talk. You, however... I'm not so sure about.


adjectiveguy: 3 words for me: Creative, Passionate, Dominant
me: um...good?
adjectiveguy: And youre how affectionate, quiet warm submissive
me: no, no, and no.
adjectiveguy: Ok take care then

This man clearly did not read my profile. Actually, he told me so much prior to this, and also tried to convince me writing about oneself is a "creative exercise." Except...it's an autobiography... Well, he's creative. I guess he'd know.


This one's fun. We'd been talking for approximately five minutes before this.

overzealous: may be we could go out sometime
me: you're a little young for me.
overzealous: am 20 is that going to be a problem its not for me
me: it's a little young.
overzealous: so its not gonna work ur saying right
me: well it might not work for a number of reasons, but that's not helping.
overzealous: can u tell me what will so i can do it

Why do men do this? Why do they assume every conversation is going to lead to a relationship? They can't just get to know a woman. It's so frustrating.

me: ...no. we don't know each other.
overzealous: we are getting there right
me: not...really.
overzealous: why not
me: you're getting a little ahead of yourself.
overzealous: with what
me: even asking if it would work out. if WHAT would work out? we're just talking.
overzealous: getting to know u, ok am sorry i maybe was alittle over my head

Yes, and getting to know me doesn't "work out" or "not work out." It's a neutral entity. I...don't understand.

overzealous: lets jus take this slow and get to know each other
me: how about we just TALK and not assume we need to take anything slowly?

Oy. Then he asked if he could call me later.

me: I don't give out my number after 10 minutes.
overzealous: ok ur jus giving me a hard time thats good cause nothing thats good comes easy
me: if you're going to say crap like that, it's not going to come at all.

He's tried to IM me four times since. Clearly he got the hint.

And this one's just amusing. I enjoy a good ellipsis. Frequently. And he noticed.

grammarpolice: u like using dots
me: except that's not what they're called.
grammarpolice: ?
me: ellipsis. the correct term is ellipsis.
grammarpolice: well sorry im not "intellectual" enough for u
me: I...don't recall saying that.
grammarpolice: o...k
me: that isn't quite the correct usage, but...uh, cool.

I'll Just Leave This Here...

I do not know if this profile is for real.

But, working on the assumption that I'm not being punk'd, I'm very, very concerned for the human race.

Very concerned.

My hopes are that his profile is being truthful when it says he has no children, and perhaps that he Darwin himself attempting to join the Guinness Book for largest methane flame.

He would like to buy a vowel.

I have no words. And he doesn't seem to have any, either. At least not entire ones.


shorthand: hmm .... whr ar u

...huh?


me: are you trying to ask me WHERE I am?
shorthand: yup yup

Oh, that clears things up.


me: that information is on my profile, I'm fairly sure.
shorthand: ya bt it doesnt tells d current loctn i mean ur in offce home etcc
me: wow... I'm not answering anything until you start asking it in English.
shorthand: haha its in english dear .. iiam just using shorthand

I have never seen any shorthand that looks like that. Am I missing something?


me: and it makes you look stupid.
shorthand: haha
shorthand: really
me: really.
shorthand: actually its hard to type entire words exactly while chatting
me: that's funny... I manage to do it. I don't find it difficult at all.
shorthand: because you arn't use too of it
shorthand: am :P

That doesn't even make any sense. Of course I'm not used to it. Because I like appearing literate in my interactions with other people.


shorthand: so ... wat you do in general
me: I'm sorry... I'm afraid we're going to hit an enormous language barrier. perhaps we should end it here.
shorthand: lol
shorthand: fine lady its all your wish
me: well that's the first sentence I've understood.

Let me just add here... He was 24. Far too old for this half-assed attempt at communication. Oy.

Match this.

So I finally gave in and subscribed to match.com, after being notified every day via email that I had unread messages. Four of them. And this is what I found.


The first message was sent February 5. And once I looked at his username, I realized...this schmuck Googled my username, found me on Yahoo messenger, and sent me an IM. Like...a day after he sent the message. He didn't identify himself at the time, and I never gave out my IM name in my profile. I just thought he was a random, but...apparently not. I mean, yes, I use the same name everywhere. But that doesn't mean he should be Googling me. That's creepy.


This is the opening line of the next one, sent on the 25:

So, tell me a little more about your self and let me know what some of your interests are

No "hello." No "hi, I'm So-and-so." Just a demand. Like, um...what if I don't want to? Rude.

As for me I work for Fedex and I drive tractor trailers 8pm to 8am for them mon - sat, I'm out sat morn and don't go back till mon night. It is hard for me to find someone that can put up with this work time

Personally, I'd be excited if you were gone a lot... I mean... What?

most of my relationships were 5-8 yrs long my last one ended in oct 08 after 8 1/2 yr, sense then I've have a few.

Great to know, but am I alone in thinking that's not really suitable material for a first message?

ages from 24-38 and I find you to be very Beautiful, from your profile.

What are the ages for? And I do so Love random Capitalization to emphasize Words that should be Appealing to Me.

So if you'd like to take a chance and grab coffee one of these mornings and or chat and wait for the weekend to go out for lunch/dinner I'm here, So either way drop me a line back and let me know ok thank you either way, hopefuly it's good, but if not I wish you good luck and to take care

Moving a little fast there, bucko. Go out for coffee, like, now-ish...or just wait for the weekend? How about something like, "Message me back if you want to talk, and maybe we can go out sometime"? This is why men fail at online dating. Most women are not going to be all, "OMG YES, let's go out tomorrow!" Assuming that will be the course, then getting upset when it's not reality, is why a lot of women do not want to talk to you.


And finally, from the 26:

hi there cutie!! i'm Mitch and just want to tell you that this could work!!!

Oh really, Mitch? I'm not so sure about that.

i'm a friendly and happy guy who loves to make people laugh and have a good time and kill boredom!!don't beat yourself up sweety ok!

Um, what? Where did I "beat myself up"? And you called me "sweety." Done.

i'm a down to earth man and love to have a goos friend to share many things with,i am a little stocky and hope that is not an incovenience??!!!,, i go to the gym a lot and have a proportioned body(i think)but i DO NOT have a six pack!!!,,lol,,,just a regular tummy,but i do not have a complex so i am happy regardless

It is not an inconvenience!!!!!! But it would appear, since you had to make a point of mentioning it, that you do have a complex!!!!! Otherwise you wouldn't feel the need to talk about it??!!!!

can we be friends?

...no.


The fourth message wasn't that bad. I know, I'm depriving you all. My apologies.

Should I just reply to all of these with, "How about no?" heh.

Is this what Craig intended?

Ever since Amadei showed me You Suck at CraigsList (which was yesterday, so I've clearly been ruminating on this long and hard), I thought the winners of CL deserved some attention here, as well.

First of all, let me say... I've posted several CL ads. And my responses are generally of questionable quality. But looking through the first page of CraigsList Hartford M4W LTR section has wrought...this.


This man fancies himself a poet.

HERE I LAY MY HEAD TO REST BUT ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT IS SOME NICE FIRM BREAST.. ,NICE AND PINK AND PINK DOWN LOW.. ,BUT DEFINATELY NOT PURPLE LIKE SOME FREAKIN HOE.. ,IVE SEARCHED THE BARS FROM NORTH TO SOUTH..,JUST TO FIND MYSELF GET SLAPPED IN THE MOUTH,..

Can't imagine why. In addition to being a pig, you're also yelling at them.


SPONTAINIOUS AND FUN IS ALL I DESIRE,..BEING KINKY AND PLEASURABLE WOULD JUST SET ME ON FIRE..,BEING PURE AND SWEET , BLONDE AND PETIT.., I WOULD LICK YOU THEN DICK YOU WITH MY BIG FUCKIN MEAT..,

Maybe it's just me, but the idea of being "dicked" with "meat" is not something I find appealing...


AFTER THATS ALL SAID AND DONE..,I WOULD NOT STOP UNTILL I MADE YOU CUM..,BEING HONEST AND SINCERE AND SAFE AS CAN BE..,I WOULD THEN UNTIE YOU AND THEN SET YOU FREE..,SO IF YOUR INTERESTED STILL AND LIKED WHAT YOUVE HEARD..,JUST GIVE ME A CALL AND SAY THE WORD..,WE COULD START SLOW AND BE DISCREET,.. YOU DONT HAVE TO TELL YOUR HUSBAND YOU JUST GOT SOME MEAT..,

But what if she went to the butcher shop? What if she just wanted to make dinner?


IM 6 FEET WHITE AT 175 SO HAPPY IM HERE AND STILL ALIVE,AT A NICE YOUNG AGE OF JUST 35..,AND YET I DONT HAVE A COLLAGE DEGREE..,IM STILL FUNNY AS HELL AND WILL MAKE YOU PEE..,

No "collage" degree? But everything is spelled perfectly and your grammar is impeccable!


NOT UGLY AT ALL BUT STILL IM ALONE..,I STILL HAVE TO DO SOMETHING WITH THIS BIG FUCKIN BONE..,THROBING AND THRUSTING LIKE SOME FREAKIN NUT ,I PROMISE TO BE NICE AND NOT CALL YOU A SLUT.!!!!!!!!!!

Oh, well, if you're not going to call me a slut, that makes it all better.


And now we have Mr. Run-On and his Band of Cliches.

hello thanks for taking the time well a little about me im a one woman type man seeking my partner in crime a best freind a confedon a lover i only have room for one love i hope your the one some one

Say the word "one" one more time. See what happens.


to make our escape plans for the border with some one to wisper sweet nothings to as lightly kissing there neck smelling her hair watching the fire cant wait to well u know thats the kind of love im seeking the i cant wait to see yous typ

This guy has been watching way too many movies. And poorly transcribing their scripts.


im genaraly a very passionate guy realy sweet and true but im also a mysterious man the one who makes u wounder i have blond hair blue eyes im a 180 5/9 white male with a little edge very clean cut but u can tell im not your average joe the one u love to hate and the one u hate to love cant help urself thats me a great protecter of whats mine iv earned it.

He's just everything, isn't he? That must get tiring.


i have a few battle scarse mostly on my heart and some visable for your eyes only well if you think u can handle the wise guy type then give a text or email text me a sweet nothing or mail one whatever

I have to ask... What is a "sweet nothing"? Sounds like the equivalent of empty calories to me. The bagels of love. I don't want that.


I can't hate on this guy that much. At least he has command of the English language.

Do you live a secret life? Are you the type of female that no one would ever suspect to fuck strangers? Do you like to lose control with someone you dont know? Do you get wet even on the drive over to their house because of the excitement?

If you answered yes to any of these questions you may be a sex addict. My cock is the cure. Email me.

The only thing is... I don't think he's being sarcastic.


Ladies and gentlemen... The men of CraigsList! They're here all week.