Goofus and Gallant, Rotten Fish Style

Gentlemen, in the same vein as this video, I present a couple of rules regarding how to maintain a girl's interest.

Rule #1: Be interesting.
Rule #2: Be intelligent.
Rule #3: Don't be uninteresting.

Case in point:

Me: what do you do now?
Exhibit A: i'm making concertinas, in a small three-person workshop.
Me: what is a concertina?
Me: a little concert?
Exhibit A: a little accordion -- the little hexagonal ones they took on sailing ships
Me: you are building little accordions.
Me: that is oddly fascinating. why, pray tell, are you making concertinas?
Exhibit A: well, it just follows naturally from politics, don't you think?
Me: obviously a direct link between politics and obscure musical instruments.

...versus...

Exhibit B: u like the band linking park?
Me: i do.
Exhibit B: there great live
Exhibit B: saw them with matalica and they took the consort

I rest my case.

Knowledge and the Pursuit of Happiness

Humans are curious creatures. Without this curiosity, this thirst for knowledge, the modern marvels we take for granted would never exist. There are so many great questions out there that have been asked...

If Columbus hadn't asked "Think we can get to India if we sail west from here?" we'd all still be living in Europe. If the Wright brothers hadn't thought, "Do you think we can build something to fly in?" there would be no air travel as we know it today. If that one guy hadn't had a really clumsy wife who kept cutting herself, we wouldn't have Band-aids, but he asked himself, "What can I do so that she doesn't keep bleeding all over the linoleum?"

Then there are questions that shouldn't be asked, questions that make the questioner look like a complete douche, questions that make the questee hit the desk with her forehead. Like this one:

(8:39:21 pm)R****: How come no bf yr cute

There is truly no good answer for this question, but let's consider some responses.

• Because no one's asked me.
• Because I'm secretly a man.
• Because I'm a crazy bitch.
• Because, like, there's this guy, yannow, and I'd, like, really like him to be my boyfriend, yannow, but he, like, is in, like, a bad spot in his life, and, like, it's just not working out, yannow, but, like, maybe something good'll happen, yeah? *gum snap/hair twirl*
• Because I'm overwhelmed by the number of quality men on this site, I can't decide on just one.

Don't forget about commenting for our giveaway or I shall be very sad!

SWF ISO "Normal"

It's no secret that my biggest annoyance with the whole online dating thing is that men (this may be true of women, but I don't get messages from women, so I don't know) don't seem to put a whole lot of effort into their messages. I know it's "just the Internet," but the whole point is to then meet the person...well...in person, and if you're a complete idiot in your first message to me, what am I possibly going to think you'll be in person? Intelligent and suave? Unlikely.

So, I got this message in my OKC inbox:

I just wanted to say hello i really enjoyed reading your profile

As I have been accused of judging a book by its cover, I decided to return the message with the same amount of effort that was put forth initially. I responded with "Thank you. :)"

In return, I received this:

:) I honestly mean it I'm new to this Internet dating or whatever u wanna call it and so surprised to find someone normal is a relief

PUNCTUATION, GET YOU SOME.

But even beyond that--it's gotten to the point where the second some derivation of the phrase "I'm new to Internet dating" comes through on my computer screen I just shut down. It's almost Pavlovian, really. Someone could say it to me in real life on a street corner at this point, and my eyes would roll back in my head, then I'd collapse onto the ground, twitching.

I realize that it's a little embarrassing or whatever to be looking for a mate online, but I think we desperately need to get past that whole stigma as a culture. He's surprised that he found someone "normal," but we're all normal. We're all people in search of something.

And, I mean, come on. I could just be good at acting.

A Surefire Way to Impress the Lady

I don't normally hold with making two posts in the same day, but this one literally fell into my lap, so here it is.

Having decided at almost the last minute to go to the movies, I received an IM on OKC. As I was literally getting up to leave my apartment, I closed the browser and went on my merry way.

I saw Mao's Last Dancer--if it's playing near you, go see it; it was great.

When I came home, I decided to check my OKC account as I haven't been getting e-mails when people message me recently. Imagine my delight when I saw that I did, in fact, have a message.

Unfortunately for me, it was just informing me that I'd missed a second IM from the guy I'd closed my browser on:

Well this has been stimulating. I feel like I really know you now. I hate long goodbyes... but i really have to go :'(

Yes, sir. Woo me with your sarcasm.

Hiatus Schmiatus.

It's been a while. But as Amadei said, just because we end up finding a few quality folks, that doesn't actually mean the bad ones go away. I bring you proof, in the form of messages I've received over the past few weeks.


I ignored this guy's IM because he called me "sweetie," which I can't fucking stand. And he replied with:

you can still get it

Well, that's great, but I don't want it, obviously. Thanks.


This message came via the "IceBreaker" feature on OKCupid, which stated we both liked "technology."

Hello fellow technophile.

Oh. Well. That's a riveting conversation-starter. What's my reply? "Hello"? Wow, we're really getting to know one another here...


This guy is 19. I think that's all that needs to be said.

I Challenge your sexy ass to a duel girl, Btw beautiful if your a blazer like me and appreciate bud then we should totally chill cause I just picked up an ounce the other night and I could always use another smoking buddy. I may not be God but I can make Kool-Aid out of water pce

A) What are we dueling over?
B) Pretty sure I make it clear that I'm SOBER. More than once.
C) That last line is just...all kinds of fail.


This one comes courtesy a man with a blank profile. My favorite.

If I filled a hot tub with whipped cream, would you grab your bathing suit and join me in it?

Um. Is this a kink of which I'm not familiar? Did he have a stroke of genius and decide this would be an awesome pick-up line? I mean, it got me to reply. Basically to say, "WTF, yo?" But, uh...what?


Yep. They're still out there.

A Semi-Serious Rant on Effort

The problem, I suppose, with Heather and I possibly actually getting better love lives is that the fodder for this blog goes downhill. Luckily for you, however, that doesn't actually stop people from sending messages. For example, this note that just popped into my inbox about an hour ago:

Subject: hi
Body: how ar eyou doing cutie?

...

I wasn't even aware that I was doing cutie let alone expound upon how exactly I was going about it. I just feel it's a really sort of personal question to start out with and all that's not even considering the possibility of her Death Cab. Srsly.

Even beyond that low blow to the grammar side--it continually baffles me why someone would go through the effort of sending a message, but not make it even slightly interesting so the recipient would want to respond.

I looked at the guy's profile, and I can't figure out for the life of me why he thought we'd be a good match considering we have absolutely nothing in common except that we're both Pisces and like sushi. He likes weightlifting (a lot), horror movies, and wants to own a boat. I like yoga, can't stand horror movies, and think boats are a hole in the water you throw money into.*

It just goes back to what I noticed very early in my on-line dating career: I'm looking for someone who will put in a little effort, and "hi, how are you doing, cutie?" doesn't quite cut it.

*Apologies to my brother who, in fact, owns a boat. He was in the Navy, though, so that almost makes it okay.

Amadei's Quick and Dirty Profile Translator

What He Says: "I'm very laid back and hate drama."
What He Means: "I bring a lot of drama into my life, but I don't realize the common denominator in all my drama is me."

What He Says: "I'm looking for someone who isn't already jaded from previous relationships."
What He Means: "I'm jaded, but I expect you not to be."

What He Says: "Also, age really does not matter as long as you know where you are going."
What He Means: "I'd prefer you be somewhere in the eighteen to twenty-one year old age range (even though I'm thirty-two)."

What He Says: "As for books, I like any of the Dan Brown books and am currently reading Cramer's first book on investing (ugh, not really fun)."
What He Means: "I am a boring, uncreative man."

What He Says: "You should message me if you enjoy having fun and are not high maintenance."
What He Means: "I expect you to be generic and not expect me to tell you that you're pretty. Ever."

IRMEDD420 III: The Curse of IRMEDD420

I love it when I have repeat offenders.

Keep in mind that the conversation to this point has been him calling me "baby," then telling me which of the pictures on my profile he liked the best.

IRMEDD420: so you arent interested eh?
Me: should i be?
IRMEDD420: i think you should wanna go out
IRMEDD420: :)
Me: why's that?
IRMEDD420: b/c as i said your sexy

Apparently, the gentleman thinks that mama raised a fool. I did attempt to clarify, though...

Me: i should want to go out with you because you said i'm sexy?
IRMEDD420: lol

But, but, but isn't that what he just implied? It's times like these when I question my own reading comprehension.

IRMEDD420: uh i would hope you'd be attracted to me as well?
Me: so i should go out with you because you said i'm sexy and you hope i'd be attracted to you?

All I'm looking for is an answer--a simple, succinct answer...

IRMEDD420: listen...do you meet many people here?

Apparently, he thinks he's Socrates: "I will answer your question by asking you a question."

Me: a fair amount, i'd say.

This is a lie. In the year I've frequented OKCupid, I have met a grand total of four men. I wonder why that could possibly be.

IRMEDD420: how? when you try tp be all superior and act bitchy?
IRMEDD420: damn

Oh, right. That's why.

Me: i'm just trying to make sure i understand what you're asking!

That's a lie, too. I be trollin', I be hatin'...

IRMEDD420: just cause your sexy doesnt mean you can act pretentious
Me: why not?
IRMEDD420: seriously?

Me: how can you even question my seriousness?

IRMEDD420: b/c its okc aND WE HAVE NO inflection WE JUST TYPE

Me: fair enough.

They be hatin'...on my trollin'...

IRMEDD420:well i got other women dieing to abuse me lol
Me: i am sure.

Oh, you wanted an argument? I'm sorry; this is abuse. You'll want room 12A.

IRMEDD420:go be all snooty by your lonesome bitch

Somehow, I'm pretty sure that a couple of AAs and my right hand will give me more satisfaction than he ever could.