A Beginner's Primer on Pickup Lines: Lesson I, Using the Same Line on Different Women for Fun and Profit

So, the first message I got wasn't really that interesting. Mr. I'm Totes Creative wrote,

Thought you'd enjoy a unique sunrise.

As far as first attempts go, that's not so bad. Not really worth posting about. It's a picture I've seen a myriad of times, so it's not particularly creative, but eh...were I still single, I probably would have responded back to him.

Then I got a follow-up five days later. No picture this time, just the text, "If I offered to buy you something important, like a gumball, would you refuse?"

Which is weird in a cute way and still not necessarily post-worthy except that when I logged into Facebook this morning, I see this as one of my friend's statuses:

[Random OKCupid dude]: If I offered to buy you something important, like a gumball, would you refuse?

Me: What's important about a gumball?

[Random OKCupid dude]: It is a sphere, similar to the earth. As a symbol of all that is beautiful, its importance should be respected in a similar manner as a tic-tac.

Bahahahaha.

I, of course, logged into OKC and verified that it was actually the same guy which, OF COURSE, it is (she had a picture of him posted in the comments to the FB status). I accidentally clicked on the guy's profile which has garnered yet another message from him:

Find me an aardvark and I might respond.

DUDE. You have responded to me THREE TIMES without me responding to you. Anyone want to give me a suggestion of how I should respond to this request for an aardvark?

Plato Was Sexy, However...

Okay, so this isn't really a Rotten Fish, but it's from a Craigslist ad, it made me giggle, and we haven't updated in a while, so I'm sharing it with you.

I found this under the "strictly platonic" section of the Atlanta Craigslist:

Lets Stay Warm Tonite! Sexy Black Fem Seeking Sexy Black Fem! - w4w - 27 (EastSide)
Sexy and Single Black Fem is looking for her cuddle buddy!... Its getting cold outside, but we can stay in and make some good heat! I want to make this a 1 on 1.... No BBW please.
I want to hear from you tonite! Im in the Lithonia/Stn Mtn area! Put WARM PUSSY in the subject line. SO I know that you are real. Talk to you soon!~

For the reason why this is hilarious, please see this Wikipedia entry. I'll be here at home, snuggling my cat.

Selling Yourself: How Not to Do It

I got a message from OKCupid that someone had messaged me, so I signed in to see if it was anything worth posting. It wasn't, really, but there was another message that hadn't triggered my e-mail alert because the person didn't pass my filters.

Probably because he lives in Tucson, AZ which OKCupid tells me is 2,064 miles from my current location. That's about all I know about the guy because his profile is completely empty...no, wait, scratch that. I know he never does drugs. See? Now we're best buddies.

His message to me was this:

Your profile sounds so normal.. except for killing aloe. There really isnt a reason for me to message you, especially since I use the word isnt, but I was looking around for people that play warcraft and you sound like someone I would get along with.. some of the time anyway... maybe on Friday.

I read it once. I read it twice. I read it three times before it hit me what bugged me about it: He's said that there's no reason for him to message me, so why would I bother messaging him back? I thought the point of these sites was to sell yourself so that the opposite (or same, actually) sex was interested in you, not to point out immediately that eh, it wouldn't work out anyway.

Besides, I maintain that my ability to kill aloe plants really isn't the least normal thing about me.

The Request.

OMG HI!

I've been disenchanted with online dating lately, hence the lack of posting. But here's a story for everyone.

I got an email saying someone had added me to their favorites on OkCupid. I was in the middle of something, so I didn't check his profile right away. Then I got a message directly from him, so I figured I'd read it. On my way to doing so, I got a friend request on Facebook from some random guy. Understandably, I was a little confused.

So I go to read the message...

Hello. :) Judging from what I see on your profile, I'm very interested. [where I live] isn't too far I guess. If this ok cupid thing seems too lame we could connect on facebook as I'm on there everyday.(just send me the link to your page or whatever) So what do you think? You can check out my profile and if you have any questions, I'd be happy to answer them for you. (I just made my profile today as it turns out, so my apologies if its not complete)

Yeah, this was the dude that just sent me the friend request. Now... I used to link to my Facebook in my OkCupid profile. I don't anymore. I do share my first name, and obviously my location. I'm not especially hard to find if you want to go looking for me on Facebook, and most of my information is private anyway. But the act of asking me if I want to connect on Facebook, and then going to add me BEFORE I've answered the question... That's a little too eager for me. Not quite creepy. Just overzealous. So I replied:

Look... You seem like a nice guy. But I don't really appreciate you searching for me on Facebook like that without giving me a chance to even say if I was interested. That's pretty invasive. So I don't think so. But good luck with everything.

He really didn't seem like a bad guy, honestly. I just didn't like him jumping the gun. That's all. But of course he had to get defensive...

lol. My apologies. It's just that your name was here, combined with being from [where I'm from] and a recognition of your face from your profile here. Sorry if that came out creepy but, I thought I'd just send a request. I'm not going to stalk you or become obsessed with you because of that. No need to overreact. lol
That's fine if you're not interested, but you don't get to control how people respond to you here or who they choose to send requests to on facebook.

I don't think I overreacted. Overreacting is "OMG YOU CREEP I'M CALLING THE POLICE!!!" Nor did I say it was a necessarily wrong thing to do. Just not something that I was fond of. And if he had just replied with, "Okay, I can understand that, let's forget about it"... Different conversation. I said...

I wasn't trying to control anything. You have every right to do it, and I have every right not to like it and to say so. That's all.

But that's not all!

Well, its just that you seemed to react a little too strongly to something that was pretty damn innocent. That's all I'm saying. So if that's all it takes to ruin this, then wow, that's amazingly shallow but whatever, if that's what you want, I'm not going to argue with you all night over it.

First of all: How are we defining "strongly"? I was incredibly calm. Second, what is "this" that we're ruining? The nonexistent relationship we have because we literally just "met"? But how does that make me "shallow"? And where is the "argument"? SO MANY QUESTIONS.

I have no plans to argue anything. It bothered me, I said it bothered me, I told you good luck, and that was that.

And, mercifully, that was, indeed, that.

Am I wrong here? Am I a little too harsh? Am I just looking for reasons not to like people? Am I or am I not the walrus, goo goo g'joob?

An Unusual Fetish, Take Two (and Call Me in the Morning)

I'm in England. I should be sleeping having spent most of my day walking around Stratford-upon-Avon, not checking my OKC account, but sometimes I just can't help myself. I don't even know what possessed me to even type in the address in my browser.

Imagine my surprise (or complete lack thereof) to find a message from this guy and his desire to discuss his fetish only this time, he's a little more quick to the point:

Hey there! How are you? Do you have a BP cuff? Would you like to talk on Yahoo/Skype?

Because, as a friend of mine said, "Yeah, I totally have a blood pressure cuff. Who doesn't?" I could hear the sarcasm across the Atlantic Ocean.

But what really gets me is that the guy is from North Carolina. I'm (usually) in Pennsylvania. We're not particularly well matched on OKC's rating system. How the heck did he find me twice?

BDSMwhat?

I logged onto OKCupid for the first time in forever this evening and saw that I had a message. Usually, messages get sent to my e-mail, too, so I was a little confused until I saw that it was just someone saving my profile as a favorite. Curious, I went to his profile to see what I could see.

The second paragraph of his "My self-summary" section threw me off for a second because it was a little odd:

***Other sections below elaborate on intent and talk a little about me. Please read the last half to get to know me a bit better..

A couple of paragraphs later, it continues with

Again. Please read the entire profile. This is a great forum to get it all out there so to speak. You can't say the things I am saying here when you first meet a girl. That said... read the end to get to know me a bit better outside of the 'top' of this profile.

O...kay. Yes, I'm going to read the whole profile, but why are you so insistent, dude?

When we go into the bedroom to fuck this is what you should expect:

OH! Well, that was...er...unexpected, but please, tell me what I should expect when we...go into the bedroom to fuck.

All discipline will be enforced in the bedroom... outside the bedroom I am very laid back... but would love to explore a D/s relationship.. ;) I enjoy rough kinky sex. I am very controlling in bed and am looking for a total service whore in bed. Outside of bed... good times always.

He would love to "explore" a D/s relationship? Much of the profile goes on with exactly how the woman should expect to be spanked, do as she's told, and perform as a "total whore." This goes on for...well...if I printed it out, I'd say it'd take up a good two pages.

You should expect to be fucked up your ass if you can accommodate me. If you can not your ass will be teased and fingered a bit. It will be nice if we get along and get close/tested to come in your ass every now and then. You will also be expected to take cum on your face and lips.

Nothing but class this one.

But, really, I don't see anything morally or ethically or even sexually wrong with BDSM; it's more that his profile switches from the above to stuff like this...

I am very skilled in mathematics and computer sciences.

...then back to this...

*You should be very submissive in the bedroom. You should be clean and intelligent.

...without so much as a how's your father.

And then after his several paragraph description of how, exactly, she's going to take it, he hardly bothers to fill out any of the other fields. For example, his "I'm really good at" section?

I'm kinda complicated with all the things I do to make a living. All totally legal :) ... I may spread myself a bit thin... but I make good cash. Word.

Word indeed, sir. I think, however, that I shall pass.

Things to Not Call Your Partner, Part Eleventy Billion

I am a big fan of nicknames. I give them out like candy. I once called an ex "my sweet petunia" so much his sister started calling him it. My coworkers know I'm referring to my dad when I say I need to call "My Joe." Through sheer force of will, I even got a friend to let me (AND ONLY ME) call him PJ even though he hates it.

I've been called a lot of things, too (don't laugh). I don't flinch when I'm called sweetie, cutie, darling, sexy, etc, etc etc. I still think the best one was when my (now ex-)fiancé accidentally called my best friend "sugar tits" because she answered my phone.

However, there are some nicknames that are not endearing. For example, I got the following message in my inbox over the weekend:

Cutie :)
Whats good knuckle head...i read your page...I guess your not boring! Why dont you check me out,after wards say HI or something...you'll be glad you did....HEY! and if your good...ill tell you my name

"Knuckle head?" Really? That's his line? A+ for creativity, but minus several thousand points for insulting someone he's trying to attract.

Minus several thousand more points for offering me a "reward" for "being good." Things I am not include, but are not limited to, a small child, a puppy, a verybadkittengetoffmylapwhileI'mtryingtotypecatasdfjkl;

Ahem.

And, finally, minus ten points from Hufflepuff for my not boring. He should probably stop before he accidentally the whole thing.

Deja view.

Back in July, I encountered this guy. Form message, pornstache, way too old, possibly a con artist.

He's now on OkCupid, and he found me again.

First he sends me this:

ode to evaluate,how's AA kenya gourmet coffee....you & me at my custom home,down a ways on parker st.,assuredly you'd have nothing to fear,I'm an esteemed buisness man,and,homeowner.b n touch for phone # and dir.Peter.

"Ode to evaluate"? Huh? His dislike of the space bar is frustrating me.

In situations like these, I wonder if it might be slightly amusing to get an address, then send a large man over in my place. Or a coyote. Because I can do that.

Then, five minutes later, I receive the following familiar message:

I think if you saw me in person you'd say woaw,he's attr. & in good shape though a triathalon is just the kind of fitness level I lack,elyptical,bowflex,etc,I am usually occupied in...my muse would be appealing to me,as I have a 1200 sq. ft. gym in my home,perhaps I can entice you with one day,however,I liked your ad & I think, feel ,demonstrate & represent a much younger and energetic gentlman,generally I enjoy the company af a younger gal,as my stamina & endurance are a drive only the young can appreciate,so love your attitude & look....call me sweetie and lets see how well we relate to one another.Peter two three seven ninety sixty one,so b n touch
Where,Personality,Charisma & Emotion,shine through...I certainly,speak forwardly,open & honest,I am an outgoing gentlman with Style,Class,and consider myself a kindred soul.I am open to new idea's,and enjoy exploring local destinations of interest...........creativly caring for my home inside and out,operating my buisness's and living healthfully,takes up lots of time my two daughters are a great part of my life though now both high schoolers,they are far from an oppressive tie and are usually off on their own....so I'm searching for that special gal,with........yes,a heart of gold,to share my time with.relaxing fully and fully being active,it seems we could enhance each others life,as I am ready to settle down with the right gal,bye for now

It's a little longer than the last time, but just as poorly written and, frankly, kinda creepy.

I want to know if any women responded to this. Honestly. But judging by the fact that I've seen this message twice on two different dating websites...I'm guessing that's a no.

A Little Weirdness for Your Saturday Night

I am not entirely sure why this guy decided that he'd IM me again after I hadn't responded the first time, but luckily for all of us, he caught me when I was sitting at my computer. Here are some choice snippets from our conversation.

Mistaken Identity
HolyMexicoBatman: do you speak spanish as well?
Me: nope
HolyMexicoBatman: don`t mind if i became in your spanish tutor..
HolyMexicoBatman: hey it will be a great aventure to have one beautiful spanish girl as an estudent

Nowhere in my profile does it say I'm Spanish; not even a tiny bit. If people do try to guess my ethnicity, it's usually Irish because I have blue eyes. They don't even guess Italian and that's what I am.

Leaps of Cognizance
HolyMexicoBatman: are you seeing someone at this point?
Me: not at the moment
HolyMexicoBatman: mmmmm are you ready to letting a mexican to treat you like a princess
Me: i'm not sure.
HolyMexicoBatman: hey... remember spring and a lot of rain is coming..
HolyMexicoBatman: won`t you be gladd to have a big sombrero as an umbrella

Were I not single, would I be on a dating website? If a tree falls in the woods, but no one was around, would it make a sound?

Cyrano? Please Let It Be Cyrano
HolyMexicoBatman: ...wish i could find some one like you
HolyMexicoBatman: so on a good beautiful nite with a brightfull moon serenate you
HolyMexicoBatman: and of course to admire the splendid beauty of yours?

My outer beauty is only eclipsed by my inner beauty...and my penchant for posting the ridiculous things men say on my website.

Non Sequitur FTW!
HolyMexicoBatman: what was for breakfast today?
Me: yogurt
HolyMexicoBatman: mmmmm yummy..
HolyMexicoBatman: then you`ll must be a sweet lady
HolyMexicoBatman: possibly
HolyMexicoBatman: love to experience that while having my senses together

WHAT?! I am so confused. Maybe he'll start making sense at some point...

No, Wait; Still Confused
HolyMexicoBatman: when will be my lucky day when a girl like you go out with me on a date..
HolyMexicoBatman: lots of ice cream in the middle of the green meadow..
HolyMexicoBatman: just a though!!

I guess not...though now I'm having visions of hillocks made of mint ice cream. Or green mochi. Mmm...green tea mochi...

I Long for Thee, My Pendulous Parakeet

My desktop is technically my gaming machine, so I generally have my headphones plugged in so that when I'm chatting on Ventrilo with my other WoW delinquents, I'm not bothering the neighbors on the other side of my wall. The upshot of this is that when I'm not gaming, I tend to not have my headphones on and thus I don't always hear when someone IMs me.

Luckily for me, my lack of a response didn't particularly bother this gentleman:

(7:23:13 pm): im impressed by your beauty
(7:23:23 pm): so natural.. how about your heart!!
(7:23:38 pm): hope you have a very humble heart
(7:25:01 pm): i want to conquer that heart of yours sexy butterfly
(7:25:34 pm): just wondering do you speak another language
(7:25:36 pm): ?
(7:26:54 pm): that smile that cat and that humbleness of yours makes me understand the need to admire you
(7:27:01 pm): sincerely..
(7:27:14 pm): again thanks for being one beautiful girl..
(7:27:34 pm): and please have a great night of good relaxing sleep
(7:27:51 pm): adios bellissima principessa

For the record, because his profile mentioned he's Latino and that he doesn't have the best English, I asked my BFF how to say "sexy butterfly" in Spanish just to see if maybe, maybe it just didn't translate well.

No dice, but this is pretty hot...

(source: http://tattoos.niima.us/tag/butterfly-tattoo/page/2)

...so thank you, Google, for that.

The Later It Gets, the Less Likely I Am to Change Out of My PJs

I wish I could say that there was some sort of preamble to this instant message, but he immediately hit me with this:

FLguy: wana hang out tonight?
Me: i'm sorry, what?
FLguy: hang out

Yes, yes, get to the point. It's not that I don't understand, it's that I don't understand.

Me: i imagine not.
FLguy: imagination is a state of mind
Me: indeed.

Translation: I get it; you are very deep.

FLguy: are you here for something serious
Me: generally, yes.
FLguy: we can have something non serious for one night

Deep like a FOX...er...no, wait.

Me: I doubt it.
FLguy: haha
FLguy: you have a good sense of putting things in perspective

It's one of my skillz; unfortunately, my skillz set does not include making weirdos go away. It was at this point that I had checked his profile and saw he was a native of Gainesville, FL.

Me: and strangely enough, i doubt i'd make it to florida and back in one night.
FLguy: i am in philly right now
Me: ah, i see.
FLguy: not gonna make you travle so far :)
FLguy: that would be rude on my part
Me: lol
FLguy: I am not as bad as you think :)
Me: i really have no opinion of you except that you randomly popped up and asked me to hang out

Which, I might add, is pretty frickin' bad, actually.

FLguy: well we can talk on phone a bit and if you like we can hang out else not
FLguy: and if you dont feel like giving your number you can call the hotel and ask for my room
Me: as tempting as that all is, i still have to be up early for work.

Sarcasm: Refuge of the Amadei since...whenever it is she learned to speak.

FLguy: its still early right now..I will drop you off

At this point, it was about quarter to 9pm. Even if I were the kind of girl to randomly meet someone at his hotel, it certainly wouldn't be after 9pm on a Wednesday.

Me: lol
Me: if your hotel's in philly, it's probably an hour from where i am anyway.
FLguy: whats your zip
FLguy: I am in sheraton near the airport if you know where that is
Me: yeah, that's like an hour.
FLguy: oh I am sorry
FLguy: i dont have a car not do I know anything abt here
Me: i'm pretty much on the other side of the city. kinda.

He doesn't have a car, but he said earlier in the conversation that he'd drop me off, so that leaves me to consider the idea that he a) is Superman, b) has a broomstick, or c) is lying about something.

FLguy: you could leave from here

I could...wait, what?

Me: ha ha
FLguy: we can have breakfast here at the hotel in the morning
Me: i find that all very unlikely.

BECAUSE I AM NOT INSANE.

FLguy: your words are amusing
Me: i'm glad you're amused.
FLguy: sometimes
FLguy: but its boring here
FLguy: cant you make a one time exception to travel here
FLguy: its going to be a good company
Me: exception to what?

I really wanted him to say something like "to your rule of not having sex with random guys on the Internet," but I was unfortunately not given that little fun gem.

FLguy: to hang out
Me: considering i have to get up at 6am to be at work at 7am, i'm not inclined to meet with some random person who's here for one night only.

Or at all, really, but I was trying to drive the point home.

FLguy: my sister lives in NJ so I come here sometimes
Me: ah.
FLguy: yea
FLguy: and you are always welcome to come to florida
FLguy: anytime :)

Because him having a sister in NJ and me being welcome in FL makes me meeting him at his hotel so much less creepy.

Me: what is in gainesville?
FLguy: umm good springs and beaches are close by
FLguy: i have a car there so it wont be any problme going around
FLguy: lol
FLguy: i am an open book so
FLguy: i like you to be honest
FLguy: you have been very sweet and without any attitude
FLguy:which is not common
Me: lol thanks

Translation: I've been planning this blog post since the first thing you said.

FLguy: we can go for a drink if you like
FLguy: i wana see some places before i leave philly
Me: i'm pretty sure i'm in for the night.

Time check: It is now 9:15pm.

FLguy: philly girls are weird
FLguy: i dont know
FLguy: completely different experience
Me: lol how so?
FLguy: well they will talk to you and you might think they would hang out or so
FLguy: and in the end its "I am too tired, its very late"
FLguy: thats what I heard last time
FLguy: there is not point in being good and sweet anymore and wasting time
FLguy: it doesnt lead to anything

I don't think I gave him any indication that it could possibly lead to anything, but hey, maybe we're having two different conversations.

Me: i don't generally hang out with anyone the first time talking to them.
FLguy: everyone is different in its own way
Me: indeed
FLguy: its not that late come on
Me: it is that late.

A sentiment I feel I have made abundantly clear during the tenure of our conversation.

Me: and i just don't randomly meet people offline for one night.
FLguy: but I dont have any other choice
FLguy: else I would have stayed here
Me: i am failing to see how that affects me at all.
FLguy: its alright
FLguy: it doesn
FLguy: i am just wasting my time I think
Me: hm. good thought.

I mean, seriously. He had talked to me for over an hour at this point and I still wasn't leaping into my car, so...

FLguy: you can feel good abt yourself right n ow
FLguy: but karma is always fair to everyone
FLguy: so it will your turn someday
Me: i doubt that karma will think that i am a bad person for not going out on a work night to meet up with a random guy at his hotel.
FLguy: well thats not the point
FLguy: but your statement was rude
FLguy: last one
Me: hm.

You heard it here first--because I didn't pay it forward and just whip on down to the Airport Sheraton, karma is going to bite me in the ass especially as I've uttered a rude statement. But FLguy wasn't finished waxing philosophical.

FLguy: if you meet a stranger anywhere, is that the first time or you have met themin some previous life too
Me: yes, but if i meet someone in, say, the mall, i can already see that they are perhaps not an axe murderer whereas random people on the internet could be completely different from how
FLguy: I mean you girls say it all the time " I dont meet strangers or I dont talk to them"..are you girls born here with friends

HE HAS FIGURED US ALL OUT, LADIES! The reason we need to go to the bathroom in groups is because we're born with all the friends we'll ever have and WE CANNOT RISK LOSING ONE.

Me: and really none of that trumps that i have to be at work at 7am.

Which, strangely enough, is really all I was trying to get him to acknowledge. It became almost like a game. But let's move on from philosophy to criminal justice:

FLguy: well then you need to put more attention to the current events
FLguy: most of the victims are not from online
FLguy:but from someone who knew them very closely
Me: lol
FLguy: go watch forensic files on tru tv
FLguy: it will give you some idea on what basis most cases are based
FLguy: and its not some bullshit like CSI
FLguy: its a 100% true event
Me: i've seen it.
FLguy: oh
FLguy: i thought most of you girls only watch what lindsey lohan is doing or which club paris hilton is going to
FLguy: i didnt know some of you actually watch those kind of "boring" shows
Me: ha ha. very funny.

After that, I didn't really feel inspired to talk with him anymore.

We're back. Bad CraigsList ads never left.

This is from an ad on CraigsList with the subject line, "Looking for emotional love first and foremost."

"You are going to make a wonderful husband and father one day" This is what a very special friend of mine constantly tells me. But how useful is the information really if the girl who thinks it is also the one that won't let you have that chance?

Okay, that's a little whiny. But I'll give him a chance.

Look, I try my best to be romantic. I am that guy who will leave you flowers not because it's your birthday, not because it's a special day, not even because it's thursday. I will leave you those flowers because I saw them and I KNEW you would like them. I knew they would hold a special meaning for you other than them being just flowers. Romantic things just come to me randomly because I am thinking about you, and I want you to be happy.

Bordering on sappy, and like you're just telling me what you think I want to hear. But about 80% less creepy than most ads on CraigsList, so I'll read on.

Me: White, twenty four years old, five foot seven inches, two hundred pounds, blue eyes, dirty-blood hair. I am about to finish my bachelors degree, and I have a job. I don't like sports or cars so you won't find me ignoring you because the super bowl is on. Please be around my age. Race isn't important to me at all, and looks only matter in the way that there has to be an attraction on both sides for something to happen. However, I have a wide variety of types so don't let your hangups about your body and personality stop you from emailing me.

First of all... "Dirty-blood hair"? Dude, bad typo. And second... Even insinuating someone might have hangups before you've spoken to them is bad form.

And then there's this gem, in an ad seeking "emotional love"...

As a last note, I should mention that for those that just want sex, as long as I am single I would be willing to go with a 1night stand or FWB since it has been a long time since I had sex. You may want to know that I am VERY good at giving a girl orgasms and get pleasure from giving pleasure. I'm not trying to toot my own horn, but to give you an idea how good I can be, I have given a girl who medically was not supposed to be able to have orgasms, 5 huge orgasms in a single try.

Thanks for telling me! I was just about to ask you for references. Now...do you have a medical expert I can call about that miraculous event, as well? Hey, wait a minute... This ad wasn't supposed to be about sex...


And this one's called, "Redneck seeking girlfriend."

Im a 19 yr old redneck with a tricked out truck, have a job, i race quads, im an outdoors guy. I pretty much do anything . Im not looking for sex or you to send me to a website to get verified. Im looking for a cute girl whos skinny and not fat or ugly

I just... I can't. I can't.


And finally... "Total paranoia is just total awareness."

Be my girl. That is all.

I... Well... Is it wrong that I kind of like this? (It probably is.)

IRMEDD420 IV: A New Hope

So, my buddy IRMEDD420 has reappeared with a different username. I got a notification that someone had added me to his favorites list, so I clicked on the profile. The picture wasn't familiar, but when I saw what town he lives in, plus the line, "unfortunately i have no car at the moment and i realize that can be very unattractive," I knew...I just knew.

Then later in his profile he says, "my last profile was caps and surprisingly a fair amount of people actually care about the most pedantic shit." No, my darling; we just don't enjoy being yelled at.

Then there was this:

IRMEDD420: hello
Me: hello.
IRMEDD420: you are beautiful

It's like he doesn't remember calling me a snooty bitch. Amazing.

Knowledge and the Pursuit of Happiness

Humans are curious creatures. Without this curiosity, this thirst for knowledge, the modern marvels we take for granted would never exist. There are so many great questions out there that have been asked...

If Columbus hadn't asked "Think we can get to India if we sail west from here?" we'd all still be living in Europe. If the Wright brothers hadn't thought, "Do you think we can build something to fly in?" there would be no air travel as we know it today. If that one guy hadn't had a really clumsy wife who kept cutting herself, we wouldn't have Band-aids, but he asked himself, "What can I do so that she doesn't keep bleeding all over the linoleum?"

Then there are questions that shouldn't be asked, questions that make the questioner look like a complete douche, questions that make the questee hit the desk with her forehead. Like this one:

(8:39:21 pm)R****: How come no bf yr cute

There is truly no good answer for this question, but let's consider some responses.

• Because no one's asked me.
• Because I'm secretly a man.
• Because I'm a crazy bitch.
• Because, like, there's this guy, yannow, and I'd, like, really like him to be my boyfriend, yannow, but he, like, is in, like, a bad spot in his life, and, like, it's just not working out, yannow, but, like, maybe something good'll happen, yeah? *gum snap/hair twirl*
• Because I'm overwhelmed by the number of quality men on this site, I can't decide on just one.

Don't forget about commenting for our giveaway or I shall be very sad!

I looking for beauty woman.

It's probably a little wrong to poke fun at the obviously illiterate, but...well, here we are.


hello beautifully

Beautifully what? You can't just put an adverb out there like that with no follow-up...

I was check out your profile and I see that you are very attractive woman. I would like to get to know u in more detail if u give me the time.

Okay, so verb tense isn't his thing.

I am going to tell you about my self. My name is Jeffrey. I am current single and look for a woman who is single too.She have to be serious and fun.You have to nice personality. I am look for long term relationship that is serious. I am look for somebody that is trust worthy compassion and understand and high computability.

"Computability"? Am I a calculator?

I also want somebody that can hold a conversation. I am a easygoing gut that like to have fun. I have a lot of hobbies. I am a very successful guy that will try to reach any goal that I set In life. I am a good guy that like to listen to what u have to said. I am easy to talk to about any thing.This is a opportunity to meet a serious fun love easy going guy. I am not here to waste your time or my time.

1) Hold a conversation? Huh. Okay.
2) Haha, he said he's an "easygoing gut."
3) Time has been wasted. I demand a refund.

I here to looking for the right woman to build a long term successful relationship with. If u are truly interest you can look at me profile and learn more about me.If u are truly u can content me at ********@yahoo.com or text me at **********. Hope to hear from u soon take care

To "content" him sounds a little bit too serious at this point in the relationship. I feel like we need to slow down.


I give him some credit: It was more than one sentence. So, y'know...B- for effort.

Non Sequitur FTW!

This guy's IMed me several times during the past year, though it stalls out every time after the initial pleasantries.

Him: what r u up to?
Me: not much. reading a book.
Him: what s the name?
Me: anna karenina
Him: u speak arabic

Er, what?

I checked his profile. According to it, he speaks English and French. Perhaps he's thinking of that other Leo Tolstoy--the one who was based in Iran...you know. He wrote that really awesome book, War and Not a Lot of Peace.

Then again, his follow up to asking if I speak Arabic was to ask if I was single which I think is a little weird considering it's a dating website and my profile says I'm single.

Him: your smile melted me

And on that note, I'm going to take this little pile of red flags and run away screaming into the night.

A Hot, Classy Contradiction

A fellow by the user name of drlove[number redacted] IMed me while I was getting my hair cut, but when I got home, I took a look at his profile.

Without going into a whole feminist rant regarding the chauvinistic problem of being a lady in the street and a freak in the bed...

You should message me if
You are a hot classy chick and freaky at the same time. If you can act like a evil and an angel at the same time.
If you can be wild and moderate at same time.

...it strikes me that a lot of these profiles read much like horoscopes in that they could really apply to anyone, anywhere. Unless you happen to be Ned Flanders, chances are you are "classy" on the outside, but are also concealing some sort of deep, dark secret.

Or perhaps just a moderately deep, leaning towards dark secret.

For example, I'm secretly a man which makes this site that much funnier, doesn't it?

Or am I?

Sexy Lips II: Groundhog Day

Today, rather than sit at home, surfing the Internet for hours on end, I decided to venture out into the real world. I had a package to mail, so I went to the post office, and while I was there bought stamps, then eventually made my way to Borders with the intention of writing out the postcards to various people around the world, but ended up talking to my friend Mike and surfing the Internet.

Of course, along with Facebook and gmail, OKCupid had its own tab on my browser window. I was halfway through writing a postcard when I noticed the tab was flashing.

Oh my God.

He did try and spice it up a bit this time, though. This IM said, "sexy lips/". That little forward slash makes all the difference.

His profile's changed a little bit since that first time, too. Now the highlight is in the "You should message me if" section:

your not a loser.
you dont lie.... sad to say 70% of the girls on here lie so much its too funny they must just want attention anyway they can get it.
no druggies too

I love it when people automatically assume I'm a liar! Woo hoo! :P

Same as it ever was.

Highlights from recent weeks.


First we have the following thrilling introductions.

1) How are things?

2) Hello Heather :) My name is Manny

3) How's your day going so far?

These are people I've never spoken to, and that was the full text of each message. Awesome.


And this one...

send me a wink

You just sent me a message...to tell me...to send you a wink? I... What?


This is from the same guy.

u dont smile in any of yor photoz? bad grammr got u down?

I'd love to give him the benefit of the doubt and say he was trying to be funny, but the content of his profile leads me to believe that is not the case.


And this one's my favorite.

You're really cute, mind if I fap to your photos?

It was nice of him to ask, I must say.

Hiatus Schmiatus.

It's been a while. But as Amadei said, just because we end up finding a few quality folks, that doesn't actually mean the bad ones go away. I bring you proof, in the form of messages I've received over the past few weeks.


I ignored this guy's IM because he called me "sweetie," which I can't fucking stand. And he replied with:

you can still get it

Well, that's great, but I don't want it, obviously. Thanks.


This message came via the "IceBreaker" feature on OKCupid, which stated we both liked "technology."

Hello fellow technophile.

Oh. Well. That's a riveting conversation-starter. What's my reply? "Hello"? Wow, we're really getting to know one another here...


This guy is 19. I think that's all that needs to be said.

I Challenge your sexy ass to a duel girl, Btw beautiful if your a blazer like me and appreciate bud then we should totally chill cause I just picked up an ounce the other night and I could always use another smoking buddy. I may not be God but I can make Kool-Aid out of water pce

A) What are we dueling over?
B) Pretty sure I make it clear that I'm SOBER. More than once.
C) That last line is just...all kinds of fail.


This one comes courtesy a man with a blank profile. My favorite.

If I filled a hot tub with whipped cream, would you grab your bathing suit and join me in it?

Um. Is this a kink of which I'm not familiar? Did he have a stroke of genius and decide this would be an awesome pick-up line? I mean, it got me to reply. Basically to say, "WTF, yo?" But, uh...what?


Yep. They're still out there.