I Should Message Him Telling Him We're Looking for a Third

Ah, it's been a long time...but ever since I put that I'm seeing someone on OKC, I don't get a lot of messages. Of course, if I never got any messages, I wouldn't be making this update.

For example, I just got a message from this gentleman, who happens to be sixteen years older than I am:

so are you done wth your boyfriend or are you looking for someone in addition to him?

So I looked at his profile. In it, he says "if you are married, still in a relationship, or not over the last one you were in, please save us the trouble."

WHY would you message someone whose profile says she's in a relationship if one of your dealbreakers is...people in relationships? Or even if I was looking to replace my boyfriend, would you really want to date someone who would replace you before the relationship was even actually over?

Mind boggled.

A Beginner's Primer on Pickup Lines: Lesson I, Using the Same Line on Different Women for Fun and Profit

So, the first message I got wasn't really that interesting. Mr. I'm Totes Creative wrote,

Thought you'd enjoy a unique sunrise.

As far as first attempts go, that's not so bad. Not really worth posting about. It's a picture I've seen a myriad of times, so it's not particularly creative, but eh...were I still single, I probably would have responded back to him.

Then I got a follow-up five days later. No picture this time, just the text, "If I offered to buy you something important, like a gumball, would you refuse?"

Which is weird in a cute way and still not necessarily post-worthy except that when I logged into Facebook this morning, I see this as one of my friend's statuses:

[Random OKCupid dude]: If I offered to buy you something important, like a gumball, would you refuse?

Me: What's important about a gumball?

[Random OKCupid dude]: It is a sphere, similar to the earth. As a symbol of all that is beautiful, its importance should be respected in a similar manner as a tic-tac.

Bahahahaha.

I, of course, logged into OKC and verified that it was actually the same guy which, OF COURSE, it is (she had a picture of him posted in the comments to the FB status). I accidentally clicked on the guy's profile which has garnered yet another message from him:

Find me an aardvark and I might respond.

DUDE. You have responded to me THREE TIMES without me responding to you. Anyone want to give me a suggestion of how I should respond to this request for an aardvark?

Deeply, Deeply in My Soul

So...there's this theory that once a person acquires a significant other, they become significantly more attractive to the opposite sex. Whether it's an unconscious increase in confidence or pheromones or whatever, it apparently carries over to the Internet because since I got a boyfriend back in May, I've gotten absolutely no idiots sending messages to my inbox...or at least none worth posting.

Which is both depressing and impressive.

Until, of course, I got a message from this guy who I'll admit was probably just trying to amuse me, it still came off as a touch on the creepy side.

You used the word tenterhooks in a dating site.

THAT. IS. AWESOME.

I thought you should know how I felt about that. It feel it very deeply in my soul.

I really hope it was just his soul he felt it deeply in and not...er...anywhere else.

Plato Was Sexy, However...

Okay, so this isn't really a Rotten Fish, but it's from a Craigslist ad, it made me giggle, and we haven't updated in a while, so I'm sharing it with you.

I found this under the "strictly platonic" section of the Atlanta Craigslist:

Lets Stay Warm Tonite! Sexy Black Fem Seeking Sexy Black Fem! - w4w - 27 (EastSide)
Sexy and Single Black Fem is looking for her cuddle buddy!... Its getting cold outside, but we can stay in and make some good heat! I want to make this a 1 on 1.... No BBW please.
I want to hear from you tonite! Im in the Lithonia/Stn Mtn area! Put WARM PUSSY in the subject line. SO I know that you are real. Talk to you soon!~

For the reason why this is hilarious, please see this Wikipedia entry. I'll be here at home, snuggling my cat.

Selling Yourself: How Not to Do It

I got a message from OKCupid that someone had messaged me, so I signed in to see if it was anything worth posting. It wasn't, really, but there was another message that hadn't triggered my e-mail alert because the person didn't pass my filters.

Probably because he lives in Tucson, AZ which OKCupid tells me is 2,064 miles from my current location. That's about all I know about the guy because his profile is completely empty...no, wait, scratch that. I know he never does drugs. See? Now we're best buddies.

His message to me was this:

Your profile sounds so normal.. except for killing aloe. There really isnt a reason for me to message you, especially since I use the word isnt, but I was looking around for people that play warcraft and you sound like someone I would get along with.. some of the time anyway... maybe on Friday.

I read it once. I read it twice. I read it three times before it hit me what bugged me about it: He's said that there's no reason for him to message me, so why would I bother messaging him back? I thought the point of these sites was to sell yourself so that the opposite (or same, actually) sex was interested in you, not to point out immediately that eh, it wouldn't work out anyway.

Besides, I maintain that my ability to kill aloe plants really isn't the least normal thing about me.

Er, What?

Two bizarre though not completely rotten occurrences:

Bizarre the First
Got a message from a guy that was pretty well thought out and interesting. He expressed interest in my hobbies and mentioned some that he shared without coming off as creepy or harassing. He's looking for a nerdy, best-friend kind of girl he can play an MMO with.

Only problem is that he's in Redmond, WA which is...well...a fair distance from Philadelphia, PA...which he acknowledges, then goes on to say that he just moved there last August, so he doesn't have a lot of friends out there yet. You would think that instead of courting someone with "it's only a plane ride away," he'd look for someone closer. Like Seattle. Where I'm guessing there are a few nerdy women hanging around.

Bizarre the Second
This message started"Long time, no chat. What's been up with you, lately?" but I didn't recognize the name. In fact, I thought it was the guy from the previous message following up after I hadn't responded.

I vaguely remember talking to this guy, but not really. OKC tells me that the first time I messaged him was September 2010.

So, yeah...less rotten and more leaving me with an unsettled sense of "bwuh?"

BDSMwhat?

I logged onto OKCupid for the first time in forever this evening and saw that I had a message. Usually, messages get sent to my e-mail, too, so I was a little confused until I saw that it was just someone saving my profile as a favorite. Curious, I went to his profile to see what I could see.

The second paragraph of his "My self-summary" section threw me off for a second because it was a little odd:

***Other sections below elaborate on intent and talk a little about me. Please read the last half to get to know me a bit better..

A couple of paragraphs later, it continues with

Again. Please read the entire profile. This is a great forum to get it all out there so to speak. You can't say the things I am saying here when you first meet a girl. That said... read the end to get to know me a bit better outside of the 'top' of this profile.

O...kay. Yes, I'm going to read the whole profile, but why are you so insistent, dude?

When we go into the bedroom to fuck this is what you should expect:

OH! Well, that was...er...unexpected, but please, tell me what I should expect when we...go into the bedroom to fuck.

All discipline will be enforced in the bedroom... outside the bedroom I am very laid back... but would love to explore a D/s relationship.. ;) I enjoy rough kinky sex. I am very controlling in bed and am looking for a total service whore in bed. Outside of bed... good times always.

He would love to "explore" a D/s relationship? Much of the profile goes on with exactly how the woman should expect to be spanked, do as she's told, and perform as a "total whore." This goes on for...well...if I printed it out, I'd say it'd take up a good two pages.

You should expect to be fucked up your ass if you can accommodate me. If you can not your ass will be teased and fingered a bit. It will be nice if we get along and get close/tested to come in your ass every now and then. You will also be expected to take cum on your face and lips.

Nothing but class this one.

But, really, I don't see anything morally or ethically or even sexually wrong with BDSM; it's more that his profile switches from the above to stuff like this...

I am very skilled in mathematics and computer sciences.

...then back to this...

*You should be very submissive in the bedroom. You should be clean and intelligent.

...without so much as a how's your father.

And then after his several paragraph description of how, exactly, she's going to take it, he hardly bothers to fill out any of the other fields. For example, his "I'm really good at" section?

I'm kinda complicated with all the things I do to make a living. All totally legal :) ... I may spread myself a bit thin... but I make good cash. Word.

Word indeed, sir. I think, however, that I shall pass.

An Unusual Fetish (ad nauseum)

IveGotaFetish: Hey there
Me: hello
IveGotaFetish: Any guesses about my username?
Me: not a clue.
IveGotaFetish: Do you have a BP cuff?
Me: not at the moment.
IveGotaFetish: Do you know how to use one?
Me: probably not correctly.
IveGotaFetish: Are you willing to explore a somewhat unusual fetish?
Me: that usually depends on the fetish.
IveGotaFetish: I've got a nurse / BP fetish ;-)
IveGotaFetish: Would you be willing to talk about it / explore it on Yahoo or Skype?

As with most fetishes, it's not what the fetish actually is, but how the guy wants to bring it up immediately. I'm a pretty open person, but it does require a certain level of trust which I'm not sure I have with someone who...well...IMs me out of the blue wanting to talk about blood pressure cuffs and nurses.

From his profile:

Mainly just looking for a nice girl to help me explore, both through chat AND some roleplay, my rather unusual fetish. I don't really know why anyone would want to explore a fetish without some level of activity involving said fetish...... To me that's like wanting to travel the world by looking at a map. I really don't get that but whatever. I do want to learn more about it. I would also like to have some enjoyment (by way of roleplaying) during this exploration.

On the other hand, he seems almost too cerebral to even have a fetish. I get this vibe that he figures he should have a fetish, so he picked one and...now wants to explore it. Like a convert to a new religion who isn't quite sure what the rules are yet.

Pre-Marital Hanky Panky!

Him: when was your last realtionship
Me: guy i was sorta dating just decided yesterday that he wanted to be just friends, actually.
Me: but it hadn't been going on that long.
Him: awww
Him: so wasnt' a long term?
Me: no
Him: when was last relationship
Me: ended jan 2009
Him: wow, so no hanky panky for almost a year?

I can't decide which of the following is the worst part:

1. That he assumes "hanky panky" only happens within the confines of a serious relationship (or at least that it does for the womenfolk).
2. That he thinks a year is a long time to go without "hanky panky."
3. That he used the phrase "hanky panky" unironically.
4. That Jan 2009 to now is "almost a year."
5. That he lives in a world where that is an appropriate question to ask someone he's just met and is considering dating.

Best Proposition I've Heard All Day, Though...

A 26-year-old from London, England asks...

PossibleMooch: hi, can i ask you something crazy?
Me: sure.
PossibleMooch: could i come stay with you for a while?
Me: i very much doubt it. why?
PossibleMooch: im just trying to get out of london, and find work
PossibleMooch: abroad
PossibleMooch: ok nevermind

I checked out his profile and while not entirely complete, and his only picture shows nothing of what he looks like, he doesn't come off as particularly weird until the part that says, "Also, if you want an EU visa I'm up for marriage - apartment exchanges."

Does that mean if you give him an apartment, he'll marry you?

Me: this may be a silly question, but what prompted you to ask me in particular?
PossibleMooch: well, you seem like you're fairly together, a fairly strong woman
PossibleMooch: maybe not prone to crazniess, but with gererous inclincations
Me: ah. fair enough.

So, ah, yeah...that was odd.

Non Sequitur FTW!

This guy's IMed me several times during the past year, though it stalls out every time after the initial pleasantries.

Him: what r u up to?
Me: not much. reading a book.
Him: what s the name?
Me: anna karenina
Him: u speak arabic

Er, what?

I checked his profile. According to it, he speaks English and French. Perhaps he's thinking of that other Leo Tolstoy--the one who was based in Iran...you know. He wrote that really awesome book, War and Not a Lot of Peace.

Then again, his follow up to asking if I speak Arabic was to ask if I was single which I think is a little weird considering it's a dating website and my profile says I'm single.

Him: your smile melted me

And on that note, I'm going to take this little pile of red flags and run away screaming into the night.

But Tonight, I Can Be Whatever You Want, Baby

This isn't really a rotten fish, per se, but I'm boggled none-the-less, so I thought I'd share.

My profile, at the moment, says this:

I'm a technical writer at a call center who writes procedures for the people taking calls, though recently, I seem to be spending a lot of time in meetings.

So a fellow from Brazil IMed me. Asked me my real name. Asked me what I was looking for on the site. Then he asked, "R U really a technical writer?"

...

I'm sort of bemused, to be honest. Is that something that people normally lie about? I mean, if I were going to lie about what my job is, I'd be a doctor or a lawyer or an astronaut or heir to the Winchester gun fortune or something.

But a technical writer? Really?

Lacy in the Northeast

Was looking around in the Men Seeking Women section of the Philadelphia Craigslist and came across this gem:

Victorias secret - 24 (Ne)
Hey, looking for a girl to go panty shopping with. Think it would be fun for her to pick out my panties for me. Willing to buy both us new panties and other lingerie items.

So let me get this straight...this guy will take me to Victoria's Secret wherein we will shop for underwear. I will pick out underwear for him to wear. He will buy those panties as well as some new bras for me. Then we will go home and nothing more will be said of it?

Color me suspicious.

Hiatus Schmiatus.

It's been a while. But as Amadei said, just because we end up finding a few quality folks, that doesn't actually mean the bad ones go away. I bring you proof, in the form of messages I've received over the past few weeks.


I ignored this guy's IM because he called me "sweetie," which I can't fucking stand. And he replied with:

you can still get it

Well, that's great, but I don't want it, obviously. Thanks.


This message came via the "IceBreaker" feature on OKCupid, which stated we both liked "technology."

Hello fellow technophile.

Oh. Well. That's a riveting conversation-starter. What's my reply? "Hello"? Wow, we're really getting to know one another here...


This guy is 19. I think that's all that needs to be said.

I Challenge your sexy ass to a duel girl, Btw beautiful if your a blazer like me and appreciate bud then we should totally chill cause I just picked up an ounce the other night and I could always use another smoking buddy. I may not be God but I can make Kool-Aid out of water pce

A) What are we dueling over?
B) Pretty sure I make it clear that I'm SOBER. More than once.
C) That last line is just...all kinds of fail.


This one comes courtesy a man with a blank profile. My favorite.

If I filled a hot tub with whipped cream, would you grab your bathing suit and join me in it?

Um. Is this a kink of which I'm not familiar? Did he have a stroke of genius and decide this would be an awesome pick-up line? I mean, it got me to reply. Basically to say, "WTF, yo?" But, uh...what?


Yep. They're still out there.

As seen on TV.

I did a silly thing and subscribed for another month of Match.com. It was at 25% off. I like a sale.


Anyway. This was the first email I got. Let us bear in mind that my age limit is 38, and this man is 47, first of all.

wow......................I think if you saw me in person you'd say woaw,he's attr. & in good shape though a triathalon is just the kind of fitness level I lack,elyptical,bowflex,etc,I am usually occupied in...my muse would be appealing to me,as I have a 1200 sq. ft. gym in my home,perhaps I can entice you with one day,however,I liked your ad & I think, feel ,demonstrate & represent a much younger and energetic gentlman,generally I enjoy the company af a younger gal,as my stamina & endurance are a drive only the young can appreciate,so love your attitude & look....call me sweetie and lets see how well we relate to one another.Peter two three seven ninety sixty one,so b n touch

My thoughts:

1) This is the absolute worst form message I've ever seen.

2) Wow, way to make this all about you. Your overly-inflated ego is so hot.

3) "Entice" me with your gym? Thanks for calling me fat.

4) Yes, that is his phone number. I don't even care anymore.

5) His profile picture looks like it was taken at Sears Portrait Studio, and he has a pornstache.


Upon viewing his profile, more nuggets of fabulousness.

1) The headline: "ISO sexy moxie cosmo jib.I'm most interested in the person,their experience,their outlook,and the depth of their compassion,integrity." ...pardon?

2) He signed his message with "Peter," but says his name is "Bill" in the profile text.

3) He stresses how much he would like to video chat with women he meets.

4) The words "zestful mensch" are used.

5) I really think I saw a Dateline NBC special on this guy, and he's a con man. Just sayin'.


The real problem here? Deciding what witty remark I shall use in reply.

Sexual Fantasies: The New Icebreaker

Super Hero: hi
Me: hi

Classic!

Super Hero: so here is a question as far as an icebreaker lol
Me: okay.
Super Hero: hypothetically...
Super Hero: would a guy with a fantasy out of a comicbook be too geeky? lol

LOL, I don't know, LOL. But, hey, my profile says I read too much and play World of Warcraft, so obviously being "too geeky" is a huge concern.

Me: i suppose it would depend on the comic book and what the fantasy was.
Super Hero: oh I see lol
Super Hero: mine would probably make you laugh lol
Me: would it?
Super Hero: well lets just say I like a strong type of woman with a bit of a dominant side lol

But who is it, man?! Is it Wonder Woman or Catwoman? Were any of the Lanterns women? Is it some obscure comic book character no one's ever heard of but you?

Oh, wait, I know. It's Dr. Manhattan, isn't it? You coy sonovabitch.

Me: that's very descriptive.
Super Hero: true vague enough though so as not to be blushing ;-)

Sigh. I need to get my sarcasm notifier re-tuned.

And, no, even in the course of the rest of the conversation, I never found out which comic book fantasy was his; he just apologized profusely for some insult he thinks he gave me, but I couldn't quite figure out.

Able to Pass Voight-Kampff: Y/N?

Having sent out quite a few messages on OKCupid in my time, I know there's a fine line between sounding like a robot and sounding like a stalker. What I didn't realize is that it's possible to sound like both at the same, but a fellow who just messaged me disabused me of any prior notion I might have had:

Subject: Hi
Body: Just wanted to say hi and that I liked what you wrote. Also, was wondering what is your meaning of life?

I will never doubt again.

Christian Women Beware...

...there are men in your religion who have gone off the deep end.

Tagline: am a person who needs respect and who respect others i am christian i respect my faith its the back ground of all the things

Holy run on sentence, Batman!

In His Own Words:
am a person who needs respect and i do respect in return i do make good use of my time am a christian its my back bone of faith . the following are the major things that am looking for .this person should love her self have respect to the people she loves she should be in position to handle any problems that may arise in other words she must be a problem solver that may arise in a house hold she should have some good loving since love is the most beautiful thing that God created for man and woman.to have a spirit of sharing, i love sharing it shows that you are thought of this kind of spirit make a happy home .honesty is the key for any relationship to grow in this case i would like to inform you that were things are not done in the straight way tend to break up in the end and this make the whole proses an easy and may affects both parties to break up easy.in any relationship to grow their must be children for a man and a woman these are fruits that we can look on our time to come .in the book of creation God created man in his own image and that was adam and from adams ribs he created woman and she was called eva .man was happy because seeing eva as his wife .So for the above mentioned rally show that man needs a copanion

As I know you probably don't want to read that block of text, I'll pull out the places that really made me go "huh?" (as opposed to the other bits that just made me go huh?).

am a christian its my back bone of faith How can being a Christian be the backbone of one's faith? If one's faith is "Christian" it can't also be the backbone of that faith, can it? Am I making sense to just me again?

she must be a problem solver that may arise in a house hold I really wish this sentence ended with "and barefoot in the kitchen" because I feel that's where it was going.

He also goes on to say that partners should be honest with each other, with which I agree, but then he continues with i would like to inform you that were things are not done in the straight way tend to break up in the end. Apparently, he's somewhat of a relationship guru. Little did I know that not being honest would lead to the end of a romance. Do go on, most intelligent sir.

in any relationship to grow their must be children for a man and a woman these are fruits that we can look on our time to come Read as: I like sex without a condom, and it's God's will, so get used to being preggo.

Then he ends it all with a mini Bible lesson: God created man in his own image and that was adam and from adams ribs he created woman and she was called eva .man was happy because seeing eva as his wife .So for the above mentioned rally show that man needs a copanion

So...the point of a relationship is to give the man a companion? Did I somehow get warped to Utah? Or Texas? Or back to the 1600s in Boston?

But what really gets me is it's a dating website...you want to put your best foot forward, right? If that's his best foot, I'd hate to see his worst foot. It probably has stigmata on it.

Ugh, being a good person is SO HARD.

So... The man with the intrusive question from this post returned for an IM conversation the other day. And I will say...it wasn't going horribly. Until this happened.


Talking about how he was at a local bar for New Year's Eve...

redflag: but was only for a short period of time, before the colored folks showed up
me: ...colored?
redflag: oh cmon
redflag: not that i am racist or anything
me: "colored" is not an okay term to use unless you're talking about pre-integration periods in the south.
redflag: it's not a term i use often
redflag: was something that just came to mind
me: yeah, well, just so you know, it might lead people to believe you're ignorant.

I don't buy that it "just came to mind." Not for a second. But whatever. I had nothing else to do. So I kept talking to him.


Now we were discussing his late night trip to Denny's the night before.

redflag: it's always a great time
redflag: especially when the food is on the house
redflag: unbenounced to them
redflag: lmao
me: you...did a dine and ditch?
redflag: i did
redflag: well, my group did

Mind you, he's 26 years old.


me: that's really not cool.
redflag: i was with 4 other friends and the generally consensus was to dine and ditch
redflag: obviously i am not going to get on my moral high horse and say "hey guys cmon, thats not cool"
me: why not?
redflag: for one thing i was an bit too innebriated, and secondly they would of done it reguardless and i would of been the jackass to take care of the bill
me: I'd rather pay the whole bill if it meant I'd find out what kind of "friends" I had.
redflag: hey what can i say, when my friends and I are drunk...we get a little crazy

That's right... "My friends and I." They were all drunk. And got in a car to go to Denny's. Awesome.

We argued for a while about ethics, and his basic response was, "I'm not proud of it, but it's funny." You just took money out of someone's pocket, and you could have killed someone driving drunk. Oh yeah...LOL. I was done with that.


He returned late last night with this nugget.

redflag: i think you might find it interesting to know that denny's called the cops and they reviewed survellance tapes and one of my friends cars got ID'd and they called him at 5am and told him if he does not pay the bill they will arrest him, so he went down and payed the bill

Now that? That's funny.


Of course I got lectured for being judgmental, and he defended his behavior as "living on the edge" and told me I should "try it sometime."

redflag: well, yah know...if you feel like this situation is enough to deem me as someone who is unworthy of your time then so be it
redflag: but perhaps it would behoove you to forgo some of you qualms about people and there behavior cause you might find that with a few exceptions there might be a great person behind the bullshit they do

(insert eyeroll here)

You do stupid teenage shit like get wasted and drive, then run out on a bill in your late twenties, and use an archaic, ignorant term for another race. But I'm in the wrong? Of course I am. Because I'm turning you down.


Grown-ups and non-hypocrites: Endangered species.

"Creepy" Is a State of Mind

I suppose a year is a fair amount of time to message someone for the second time. There's always a chance they've forgotten about you in the intervening time. Or perhaps their standards have lowered since that first message.

Unfortunately for this guy, neither has happened to me. I'm not sure my standards will ever be that low. He just sent me a boring IM this time ("hi") and I spazzed out and linked his profile to a friend of mine who pointed out this:


But what is really the icing on the cake is that this fifty-nine year old man who is looking for women aged nineteen to thirty-five has this in his profile:

The most private thing I'm willing to admit
is my fear of dating, even online dating, I've heard their are a lots of sick people out there ... but I'm still willing to put myself out here ... nothing to loose and every-thing to gain ... Like is just to short not to enjoy ... How about you ?

Emphasis in red mine.

My inner monologue as I read that: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA *inhale* HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.