I Should Message Him Telling Him We're Looking for a Third

Ah, it's been a long time...but ever since I put that I'm seeing someone on OKC, I don't get a lot of messages. Of course, if I never got any messages, I wouldn't be making this update.

For example, I just got a message from this gentleman, who happens to be sixteen years older than I am:

so are you done wth your boyfriend or are you looking for someone in addition to him?

So I looked at his profile. In it, he says "if you are married, still in a relationship, or not over the last one you were in, please save us the trouble."

WHY would you message someone whose profile says she's in a relationship if one of your dealbreakers is...people in relationships? Or even if I was looking to replace my boyfriend, would you really want to date someone who would replace you before the relationship was even actually over?

Mind boggled.

Deja view.

Back in July, I encountered this guy. Form message, pornstache, way too old, possibly a con artist.

He's now on OkCupid, and he found me again.

First he sends me this:

ode to evaluate,how's AA kenya gourmet coffee....you & me at my custom home,down a ways on parker st.,assuredly you'd have nothing to fear,I'm an esteemed buisness man,and,homeowner.b n touch for phone # and dir.Peter.

"Ode to evaluate"? Huh? His dislike of the space bar is frustrating me.

In situations like these, I wonder if it might be slightly amusing to get an address, then send a large man over in my place. Or a coyote. Because I can do that.

Then, five minutes later, I receive the following familiar message:

I think if you saw me in person you'd say woaw,he's attr. & in good shape though a triathalon is just the kind of fitness level I lack,elyptical,bowflex,etc,I am usually occupied in...my muse would be appealing to me,as I have a 1200 sq. ft. gym in my home,perhaps I can entice you with one day,however,I liked your ad & I think, feel ,demonstrate & represent a much younger and energetic gentlman,generally I enjoy the company af a younger gal,as my stamina & endurance are a drive only the young can appreciate,so love your attitude & look....call me sweetie and lets see how well we relate to one another.Peter two three seven ninety sixty one,so b n touch
Where,Personality,Charisma & Emotion,shine through...I certainly,speak forwardly,open & honest,I am an outgoing gentlman with Style,Class,and consider myself a kindred soul.I am open to new idea's,and enjoy exploring local destinations of interest...........creativly caring for my home inside and out,operating my buisness's and living healthfully,takes up lots of time my two daughters are a great part of my life though now both high schoolers,they are far from an oppressive tie and are usually off on their own....so I'm searching for that special gal,with........yes,a heart of gold,to share my time with.relaxing fully and fully being active,it seems we could enhance each others life,as I am ready to settle down with the right gal,bye for now

It's a little longer than the last time, but just as poorly written and, frankly, kinda creepy.

I want to know if any women responded to this. Honestly. But judging by the fact that I've seen this message twice on two different dating websites...I'm guessing that's a no.

As seen on TV.

I did a silly thing and subscribed for another month of Match.com. It was at 25% off. I like a sale.


Anyway. This was the first email I got. Let us bear in mind that my age limit is 38, and this man is 47, first of all.

wow......................I think if you saw me in person you'd say woaw,he's attr. & in good shape though a triathalon is just the kind of fitness level I lack,elyptical,bowflex,etc,I am usually occupied in...my muse would be appealing to me,as I have a 1200 sq. ft. gym in my home,perhaps I can entice you with one day,however,I liked your ad & I think, feel ,demonstrate & represent a much younger and energetic gentlman,generally I enjoy the company af a younger gal,as my stamina & endurance are a drive only the young can appreciate,so love your attitude & look....call me sweetie and lets see how well we relate to one another.Peter two three seven ninety sixty one,so b n touch

My thoughts:

1) This is the absolute worst form message I've ever seen.

2) Wow, way to make this all about you. Your overly-inflated ego is so hot.

3) "Entice" me with your gym? Thanks for calling me fat.

4) Yes, that is his phone number. I don't even care anymore.

5) His profile picture looks like it was taken at Sears Portrait Studio, and he has a pornstache.


Upon viewing his profile, more nuggets of fabulousness.

1) The headline: "ISO sexy moxie cosmo jib.I'm most interested in the person,their experience,their outlook,and the depth of their compassion,integrity." ...pardon?

2) He signed his message with "Peter," but says his name is "Bill" in the profile text.

3) He stresses how much he would like to video chat with women he meets.

4) The words "zestful mensch" are used.

5) I really think I saw a Dateline NBC special on this guy, and he's a con man. Just sayin'.


The real problem here? Deciding what witty remark I shall use in reply.

"Creepy" Is a State of Mind

I suppose a year is a fair amount of time to message someone for the second time. There's always a chance they've forgotten about you in the intervening time. Or perhaps their standards have lowered since that first message.

Unfortunately for this guy, neither has happened to me. I'm not sure my standards will ever be that low. He just sent me a boring IM this time ("hi") and I spazzed out and linked his profile to a friend of mine who pointed out this:


But what is really the icing on the cake is that this fifty-nine year old man who is looking for women aged nineteen to thirty-five has this in his profile:

The most private thing I'm willing to admit
is my fear of dating, even online dating, I've heard their are a lots of sick people out there ... but I'm still willing to put myself out here ... nothing to loose and every-thing to gain ... Like is just to short not to enjoy ... How about you ?

Emphasis in red mine.

My inner monologue as I read that: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA *inhale* HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

But At Least We Could Talk About It...

This is the first message I got on OKCupid that made me go "Huh?"

From: [handle redacted, even though I really wanted to leave it as it only adds to the WTFery]
Subject: Hello Brutally Honest

Hi Did you ever just what to shake your parents up ? If yes you should email my back ... By me showing up with a breed ... and old-enough to be your father and some ... we can shake up the world ... I love to travel ... have a motorcycle ... I'm great at canoeing and looking forward canoeing the John Henizs Nature Center near Phil. ... If you reply we can at least talk about it ... ha ... lol ... thanks ... HUGS Howard ... ex New Yorker in Pa

His major selling points include

• the opportunity to "shake my parents up"
• being the same age as my mother
• having much skill with a canoe
  
• being a "breed," and
  
• many ellipses.
  

I know you're all jealous and in SHOCK that I didn't message him back...but being an ex-New Yorker? That's such a dealbreaker for me.