Literacy: A Lost Art.

I'm off from work today and managed to get all my errands done before noon (trust me, no one's more surprised about that than I am). So I'm just hanging around, watching a little Maury, waiting for the throngs of eligible men to send me messages.

But instead...I get this.

ykantireed: nice hair color
me: uh... thanks?
ykantireed: u welcome

Seriously, that's your opening line? Okay.

me: is...that all you have to say?
ykantireed: not really u cute too
me: okay then.
ykantireed: what do u do for fun?
me: did you read my profile or just look at the pictures?
ykantireed: no i did nor read your profile
ykantireed: nice lips

There are few things that annoy me more than a conversation based solely upon superficial observations. Superficial observations about anything. Small talk about the weather; statements such as "I like pie"; or a man's pathetic attempts to compliment my appearance, thinking that earns them points in my arbitrary scoring system. This is even more bothersome in the context of online dating, when I've typed multiple paragraphs of candid information about myself, so that a potential mate may learn something about me before initiating a conversation. This does not happen.

me: nice to know I put the effort into writing that just so it can be ignored.
ykantireed: i see u write a lot ab out your self
me: yeah, so I can avoid being asked stupid questions. it obviously doesn't accomplish that.
ykantireed: that's true

You're agreeing with me...as I'm clearly talking about you. Oblivious much?

me: yeah, anyway... was that it?
ykantireed: u have a cute cat

Now, I love my cat. But come on.

me: great, more stuff about the pictures.
ykantireed: so what do u up too
me: being annoyed by the people who send me IMs.
ykantireed: oh sorry about that i'm disturbe u?
me: wouldn't be so bad if anyone had actually bothered to learn something about me before they started a conversation.
ykantireed: u right about that

Again...you're agreeing. Okay.

ykantireed: can ask what is your name?
me: ...seriously?
ykantireed: yes
me: it's the FIRST LINE of my profile.
me: you can't even read the first line?

My name is literally the second word in the text of my profile. If you can't get that far, we're not a good fit. In fact, I'd prefer to sequester you on an island with others of your kind, and perhaps force sterilization upon you.

I'm five for five this afternoon on "men who don't give two shits who I am and only care what I look like." Why is it I bother again?

Goofus and Gallant, Rotten Fish Style

Gentlemen, in the same vein as this video, I present a couple of rules regarding how to maintain a girl's interest.

Rule #1: Be interesting.
Rule #2: Be intelligent.
Rule #3: Don't be uninteresting.

Case in point:

Me: what do you do now?
Exhibit A: i'm making concertinas, in a small three-person workshop.
Me: what is a concertina?
Me: a little concert?
Exhibit A: a little accordion -- the little hexagonal ones they took on sailing ships
Me: you are building little accordions.
Me: that is oddly fascinating. why, pray tell, are you making concertinas?
Exhibit A: well, it just follows naturally from politics, don't you think?
Me: obviously a direct link between politics and obscure musical instruments.

...versus...

Exhibit B: u like the band linking park?
Me: i do.
Exhibit B: there great live
Exhibit B: saw them with matalica and they took the consort

I rest my case.

Pre-Marital Hanky Panky!

Him: when was your last realtionship
Me: guy i was sorta dating just decided yesterday that he wanted to be just friends, actually.
Me: but it hadn't been going on that long.
Him: awww
Him: so wasnt' a long term?
Me: no
Him: when was last relationship
Me: ended jan 2009
Him: wow, so no hanky panky for almost a year?

I can't decide which of the following is the worst part:

1. That he assumes "hanky panky" only happens within the confines of a serious relationship (or at least that it does for the womenfolk).
2. That he thinks a year is a long time to go without "hanky panky."
3. That he used the phrase "hanky panky" unironically.
4. That Jan 2009 to now is "almost a year."
5. That he lives in a world where that is an appropriate question to ask someone he's just met and is considering dating.

Knowledge and the Pursuit of Happiness

Humans are curious creatures. Without this curiosity, this thirst for knowledge, the modern marvels we take for granted would never exist. There are so many great questions out there that have been asked...

If Columbus hadn't asked "Think we can get to India if we sail west from here?" we'd all still be living in Europe. If the Wright brothers hadn't thought, "Do you think we can build something to fly in?" there would be no air travel as we know it today. If that one guy hadn't had a really clumsy wife who kept cutting herself, we wouldn't have Band-aids, but he asked himself, "What can I do so that she doesn't keep bleeding all over the linoleum?"

Then there are questions that shouldn't be asked, questions that make the questioner look like a complete douche, questions that make the questee hit the desk with her forehead. Like this one:

(8:39:21 pm)R****: How come no bf yr cute

There is truly no good answer for this question, but let's consider some responses.

• Because no one's asked me.
• Because I'm secretly a man.
• Because I'm a crazy bitch.
• Because, like, there's this guy, yannow, and I'd, like, really like him to be my boyfriend, yannow, but he, like, is in, like, a bad spot in his life, and, like, it's just not working out, yannow, but, like, maybe something good'll happen, yeah? *gum snap/hair twirl*
• Because I'm overwhelmed by the number of quality men on this site, I can't decide on just one.

Don't forget about commenting for our giveaway or I shall be very sad!

SWF ISO "Normal"

It's no secret that my biggest annoyance with the whole online dating thing is that men (this may be true of women, but I don't get messages from women, so I don't know) don't seem to put a whole lot of effort into their messages. I know it's "just the Internet," but the whole point is to then meet the person...well...in person, and if you're a complete idiot in your first message to me, what am I possibly going to think you'll be in person? Intelligent and suave? Unlikely.

So, I got this message in my OKC inbox:

I just wanted to say hello i really enjoyed reading your profile

As I have been accused of judging a book by its cover, I decided to return the message with the same amount of effort that was put forth initially. I responded with "Thank you. :)"

In return, I received this:

:) I honestly mean it I'm new to this Internet dating or whatever u wanna call it and so surprised to find someone normal is a relief

PUNCTUATION, GET YOU SOME.

But even beyond that--it's gotten to the point where the second some derivation of the phrase "I'm new to Internet dating" comes through on my computer screen I just shut down. It's almost Pavlovian, really. Someone could say it to me in real life on a street corner at this point, and my eyes would roll back in my head, then I'd collapse onto the ground, twitching.

I realize that it's a little embarrassing or whatever to be looking for a mate online, but I think we desperately need to get past that whole stigma as a culture. He's surprised that he found someone "normal," but we're all normal. We're all people in search of something.

And, I mean, come on. I could just be good at acting.

Christian Women Beware...

...there are men in your religion who have gone off the deep end.

Tagline: am a person who needs respect and who respect others i am christian i respect my faith its the back ground of all the things

Holy run on sentence, Batman!

In His Own Words:
am a person who needs respect and i do respect in return i do make good use of my time am a christian its my back bone of faith . the following are the major things that am looking for .this person should love her self have respect to the people she loves she should be in position to handle any problems that may arise in other words she must be a problem solver that may arise in a house hold she should have some good loving since love is the most beautiful thing that God created for man and woman.to have a spirit of sharing, i love sharing it shows that you are thought of this kind of spirit make a happy home .honesty is the key for any relationship to grow in this case i would like to inform you that were things are not done in the straight way tend to break up in the end and this make the whole proses an easy and may affects both parties to break up easy.in any relationship to grow their must be children for a man and a woman these are fruits that we can look on our time to come .in the book of creation God created man in his own image and that was adam and from adams ribs he created woman and she was called eva .man was happy because seeing eva as his wife .So for the above mentioned rally show that man needs a copanion

As I know you probably don't want to read that block of text, I'll pull out the places that really made me go "huh?" (as opposed to the other bits that just made me go huh?).

am a christian its my back bone of faith How can being a Christian be the backbone of one's faith? If one's faith is "Christian" it can't also be the backbone of that faith, can it? Am I making sense to just me again?

she must be a problem solver that may arise in a house hold I really wish this sentence ended with "and barefoot in the kitchen" because I feel that's where it was going.

He also goes on to say that partners should be honest with each other, with which I agree, but then he continues with i would like to inform you that were things are not done in the straight way tend to break up in the end. Apparently, he's somewhat of a relationship guru. Little did I know that not being honest would lead to the end of a romance. Do go on, most intelligent sir.

in any relationship to grow their must be children for a man and a woman these are fruits that we can look on our time to come Read as: I like sex without a condom, and it's God's will, so get used to being preggo.

Then he ends it all with a mini Bible lesson: God created man in his own image and that was adam and from adams ribs he created woman and she was called eva .man was happy because seeing eva as his wife .So for the above mentioned rally show that man needs a copanion

So...the point of a relationship is to give the man a companion? Did I somehow get warped to Utah? Or Texas? Or back to the 1600s in Boston?

But what really gets me is it's a dating website...you want to put your best foot forward, right? If that's his best foot, I'd hate to see his worst foot. It probably has stigmata on it.

Some people should never talk about themselves.

Bits and pieces from recent browsing.


I'm extremely good at adding and subtracting numbers that are less than 3 digits. If you give me two numbers or in some case three that fall in that range....like 45+20+10. that's 75. I crank that out all day..... if that's the sorta thing you're into.

So...you're really good at elementary-level arithmetic? Wow. That makes me so hot. If you can read The Cat in the Hat, I'll take my panties off.


I need to work on my sense of humor, or lack thereof.
I am the least arrogant person I know, but I do not know many people.

This guy must be a riot at parties.


I am a bit of a "Technology" Nut. ... I'm a "avid" video game player ... I'm really good at "Puzzle Solving."

Also a "fan" of "unnecessary" quotation "marks."


At some point i plan on going to collage to study archeology and become an archeologist, because i really studying and learning about ancient civilizations.

You might want to start with spelling. Just sayin'.


im interested in metting someone active and interested in relationship possily some one who likes animals and wants too do interesting things anyone who wants too talk can message me hopefully close too me

This atrocious run-on with poor spelling and homophone confusion is bad enough. But the most notable thing? He had pictures of both himself and his pitbull on his profile, and they looked alike. I shit you not.


I am not great at this. It feels too much like updating my resume or writing a performance appraisal. I can just give out some more basics; I'm a good guy, a great listener, very funny, emotional stable, and other things that I am probably forgetting at the moment. If there is something else you want to know about me, just ask.

Zzzz... I'm sorry, that was so generic. I fell asleep.


And my favorite, which was probably just a typo, but still amusing.

Well for starters I would say that I have a very laid back person.

Like...in your freezer? Locked in a closet? Should I call the police?

Quickie

After the normal pleasantries...

Him: cute
Me: ?
Him: cute pics
Me: thank you.
Him: u dont get good comments on ur butt??

Come again say what?