SWF ISO "Normal"

It's no secret that my biggest annoyance with the whole online dating thing is that men (this may be true of women, but I don't get messages from women, so I don't know) don't seem to put a whole lot of effort into their messages. I know it's "just the Internet," but the whole point is to then meet the person...well...in person, and if you're a complete idiot in your first message to me, what am I possibly going to think you'll be in person? Intelligent and suave? Unlikely.

So, I got this message in my OKC inbox:

I just wanted to say hello i really enjoyed reading your profile

As I have been accused of judging a book by its cover, I decided to return the message with the same amount of effort that was put forth initially. I responded with "Thank you. :)"

In return, I received this:

:) I honestly mean it I'm new to this Internet dating or whatever u wanna call it and so surprised to find someone normal is a relief

PUNCTUATION, GET YOU SOME.

But even beyond that--it's gotten to the point where the second some derivation of the phrase "I'm new to Internet dating" comes through on my computer screen I just shut down. It's almost Pavlovian, really. Someone could say it to me in real life on a street corner at this point, and my eyes would roll back in my head, then I'd collapse onto the ground, twitching.

I realize that it's a little embarrassing or whatever to be looking for a mate online, but I think we desperately need to get past that whole stigma as a culture. He's surprised that he found someone "normal," but we're all normal. We're all people in search of something.

And, I mean, come on. I could just be good at acting.

Let us create a superior army of online daters.

This happened last week, but I just remembered I forgot to share.


I got this message on OKCupid, pretty much out of nowhere.

I am just curious as to why someone with a wealth of knowledge and intellect would not want to procreate with someone of high intellectual value as yourself, to spawn a super intellectual child to better this world from it's natural regression our world is seeing in these times.

This is your business...how? I mean, other than the fact that, given the way the message was worded, his goal was to...spawn with me. (For the record, his poor sentence structure would rule him out, supposing I were actually predisposed toward procreation.)


I replied quite succinctly.

Selfishness.

He needs a reality check. STAT!

From the Department of Downright Awful Pickup Lines at PlentyofFish...


My heart problem has reached a
critical stage.
That doctor says:
There r only 2 options left…
ICU

Or

U C Me.

I am Sherif, 32, what you think?


Well, Sherif. I think a few things.

1) That's one of the top ten worst lines I've ever heard. So congratulations on that.

2) "U C Me" is not an actual medical term. If it were, I might think this was cute. No...no, wait. I still wouldn't.

3) You're 32 years old. If you don't want to be the old, skeevy guy at the bar, wearing a leisure suit and hitting on women half his age...you'll stop the script now.

One more thing.

4) No.

Help, help! I've lost a proton!

I wanted to make a post. One fell into my lap.


This guy asked me for my AIM name right away. And I, uncharacteristically, gave it to him.

mrpositive: you have been on that site for 5 years
me: yep.
mrpositive: damn I just found it
mypositive meet alot of people on there?
me: not really, no.
mrpositive: y not
me: not sure. just don't.
mrpositive: so does that mean u haven't had a bf in over 5 years

Now, let's be clear: One can have a profile on OKCupid and not be single. So this is a marginally silly question.


me: yes.
mrpositive: thats shitty
me: I'm fine with it.
mrpositive: you don't want a bf
me: I don't want to settle, and I haven't met anyone I find worthy of a relationship.
mrpositive: it hasn't been 5 years for sex has it

I despise when men ask me about my sex life ten minutes into a conversation. There are tons of people that I've known for a very long time who don't know the details (for these purposes, we'll disregard the fact that there aren't many details to tell). So sorry, random dude. You're not getting them, either.


me: and what if it has?
mrpositive: that would really suck it's hasn't been close to that for me and I miss it
me: I don't really care about it.
mrpositive: about sex?
me: yeah.
mrpositive: when was the last time
me: does it matter?
mrpositive: no
me: then you don't need to know.

Because we're not having sex. Got it?


mrpositive: alright well you seem pretty negative
me: about what?
mrpositive: everything
me: I...don't get that at all. what did I say that's negative?

Seriously, I'm just being honest. I'm apparently negative because I don't like sex. That's what I'm getting from this. I actually think it's a sign of being fairly upbeat if one can handle living without it. Just sayin'.


mrpositive: now i guess i understand why u havent met anyone

OH NO YOU DID NOT.


me: don't be a dick. if you're going to say shit like that, back it up.
mrpositive: you have been nothing but negative
mrpositive: bye
me: but I asked you what I said and you wouldn't answer. that means you have no reason to say that. therefore... yeah, bye.

Whatever. I'm negative, you're lazy. Life goes on. But you're also a douche. So there.


(And yeah, I made a totally nerdy joke about negativity in the title. I'm just that awesome.)

The Science of Dating.

Normally I bring you amusement from OKCupid. But today we have a different kind of amusement from PlentyofFish.

Most of the mail I get there amounts to, "Hi, how are you?" Which is a waste of my time and theirs, really. No effort, no reply. There's effort in this one, but I'm not sure if it's the right kind...

I would like to know if you would like to chat sometime? and as far as science? do you know who Nikola Tesla is?

I... Um... What?

I don't mention science in my profile. Why would I? I like it just fine, but it plays no role in my dating life. I even checked to make sure I didn't type "political science," and he just missed the first half, but...no.

Honestly...who does this? Did he ask me about Tesla because he plans to electrocute me? Was it a roundabout way to tell me he has a secret love of 80s hair metal bands?

This is almost more strange to me than the sexual crap I get sent. Is that wrong?