Sunday, February 28, 2010

Too Much Honesty, Part II: Electric Boogalo

Of course, if it were as simple as just my last entry, then I doubt Honest would have gotten much of a mention. The second time we talked, he waxed less philosophical and focused mainly on, well…

Honest: how tall are you?
Me: about 5'4

Wait, what? How tall am I? What’s next—he’s going to ask me how much I weigh ‘cause there ain’t no way I’m divulging that information…

Honest: are you any good at kissing?

While I suppose that makes more sense, it’s not the next question I’d expect after “how tall are you?” even if “how tall are you?” was a question I would have expected in the first place.

It was around this point that I gave him my AIM name because the OKCupid IM client was acting up for him. He IMs me with…

Honest: apologie axepted

…which makes no sense whatsoever even if I translate it into “apology accepted” because I hadn’t apologized about anything. Then we get into the nitty gritty.

Honest: what turns you on?
Me: hm. i'm not sure.
Honest: how many guys have you been with?
Me: do you think that would make a difference?
Honest: i'm just curious

Just once, I'd love a guy to answer the question I asked because I'd really, really like to know the answer.

Oh, and "just curious" indeed. Keep in mind that the first time we spoke, he spoke at length about how the whole one man/one woman paradigm was a ridiculous social construct, yet he’s interested in how many guys I’ve slept with. Hm.

Honest: so would you care to snuggle then?
Me: i don't normally jump right into snuggling. :P
Honest: i didn't know jumping was involved!!!
Me: i don't normally segue straight into snuggling?
Honest: i see
Honest: well how do you go from not to snuggling then?
Honest: time travel?
Me: dinner's usually a nice start. lol
Honest: dinner where?
Me: a mutually agreeable spot? i donno. :P
Honest: huh?

Suddenly I'm Chris Tucker in Rush Hour typing very slowing "Do you understand the words that are comin' off of my fingers?"

Me: i suppose i'm saying that i usually see if there's any spark at all before i actually snuggle someone.
Honest: well i feel it, if you don't hmm

This is the second time we’ve spoken and he feels a spark. I'm beginning to feel like men are flint and tinder whereas women are...like...wet wood on a cloudy day, but you really want the fire, so you put all this effort into getting the wood and putting it in the fireplace and trying to start a fire, but the damn wood's too wet, so you trudge back out to the woodpile and start looking for a better piece of wood, but you can't find one and you get so frustrated that you kick the dog and...

Wait, where was I going with that?

Honest: i want you
Me: why?
Honest: you seem sexy fun & yum
Me: so what turns you on?
Honest: you

OMG! NO WAI!!

That is one of the clich├ęd things EVER.

Honest: i need food
Me: then i suggest you eat! :D
Honest: ok, when do we get to make love?
Me: you seem a bit fixated.
Honest: fixated?
Me: on this whole making love thing.
Honest: or maybe you have had a long dry spell so talking about it seems, to you, like its being said lot

I prefer to call it a “self-imposed self-introspective journey into the workings of my sexual psyche,” but I suppose “dry spell” works, too. Or I could just be picky.

And as one of my male friends said: "Isn't 'have sex' or 'fuck' more appropriate in this context?"

But this...this, I think, is my favourite part:

Me: you have no idea who i am, yet you want to have sex with me.
Honest: did you read my profile?
Me: mmhmm
Honest: did you see the part where it says i read people
Me: mmhmm

Snip from his profile, which I’ll admit I didn’t remember because I didn’t bother to look at it the second time he messaged me:

Trying to "know" someone is about as useful and real as trying to "see" darkness. If you truly know yourself, you all ready know everyone else. Please stop with this typical bullshit. No one is a stranger, if you think so, i deeply pity you.

(Editor's Note: I looked through his whole profile and couldn't really find a reference to "reading people" anywhere in it, so I'm guessing he meant that part)

Whoops.

Honest: so why say the "no idea who i am" bit?
Me: i mean literally. i could be a 55 year old man.
Honest: yea and i could be the pope
Me: which is sort of my point. i've kept myself out of the headlines of being abducted by a strange man on the internet by not hooking up with strange men on the internet.
Honest: ok so now i'm "a strange man from the internet"
Me: until proven otherwise, everyone is a strange person on the internet.
Honest: what a middle ages aproach to personal interaction
Me: no, a middle ages approach would be letting my father decide who i marry because he wants to secure some land or an alliance.
Honest: i was talking more of the inquisition
Me: so you're offended?
Honest: no, it just makes you look kinda backwards & repressed
Me: lol
Me: because i won't just meet up with you and snuggle?
Honest: no, because you are claiming i'm a stranger
Me: you are a stranger until i've actually met you.
Honest: then we have nothing further to discuss

Nothing further to discuss? I suppose that means there will be no Part III of this saga…oh, wait…

Stay tuned for the grand finale!

2 comments:

  1. I had a guy tell me the other night that he could "read my eyes," so he knew I was good for him. Then he called me "mami," and the conversation was even MORE over.

    I swear, they think all women want to hear that crap. bleh.

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  2. I'm still trying to figure out how not wanting to just start sexing it up with some random person on the Internet makes me "backwards and repressed."

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