Pre-Marital Hanky Panky!

Him: when was your last realtionship
Me: guy i was sorta dating just decided yesterday that he wanted to be just friends, actually.
Me: but it hadn't been going on that long.
Him: awww
Him: so wasnt' a long term?
Me: no
Him: when was last relationship
Me: ended jan 2009
Him: wow, so no hanky panky for almost a year?

I can't decide which of the following is the worst part:

1. That he assumes "hanky panky" only happens within the confines of a serious relationship (or at least that it does for the womenfolk).
2. That he thinks a year is a long time to go without "hanky panky."
3. That he used the phrase "hanky panky" unironically.
4. That Jan 2009 to now is "almost a year."
5. That he lives in a world where that is an appropriate question to ask someone he's just met and is considering dating.

The Later It Gets, the Less Likely I Am to Change Out of My PJs

I wish I could say that there was some sort of preamble to this instant message, but he immediately hit me with this:

FLguy: wana hang out tonight?
Me: i'm sorry, what?
FLguy: hang out

Yes, yes, get to the point. It's not that I don't understand, it's that I don't understand.

Me: i imagine not.
FLguy: imagination is a state of mind
Me: indeed.

Translation: I get it; you are very deep.

FLguy: are you here for something serious
Me: generally, yes.
FLguy: we can have something non serious for one night

Deep like a FOX...er...no, wait.

Me: I doubt it.
FLguy: haha
FLguy: you have a good sense of putting things in perspective

It's one of my skillz; unfortunately, my skillz set does not include making weirdos go away. It was at this point that I had checked his profile and saw he was a native of Gainesville, FL.

Me: and strangely enough, i doubt i'd make it to florida and back in one night.
FLguy: i am in philly right now
Me: ah, i see.
FLguy: not gonna make you travle so far :)
FLguy: that would be rude on my part
Me: lol
FLguy: I am not as bad as you think :)
Me: i really have no opinion of you except that you randomly popped up and asked me to hang out

Which, I might add, is pretty frickin' bad, actually.

FLguy: well we can talk on phone a bit and if you like we can hang out else not
FLguy: and if you dont feel like giving your number you can call the hotel and ask for my room
Me: as tempting as that all is, i still have to be up early for work.

Sarcasm: Refuge of the Amadei since...whenever it is she learned to speak.

FLguy: its still early right now..I will drop you off

At this point, it was about quarter to 9pm. Even if I were the kind of girl to randomly meet someone at his hotel, it certainly wouldn't be after 9pm on a Wednesday.

Me: lol
Me: if your hotel's in philly, it's probably an hour from where i am anyway.
FLguy: whats your zip
FLguy: I am in sheraton near the airport if you know where that is
Me: yeah, that's like an hour.
FLguy: oh I am sorry
FLguy: i dont have a car not do I know anything abt here
Me: i'm pretty much on the other side of the city. kinda.

He doesn't have a car, but he said earlier in the conversation that he'd drop me off, so that leaves me to consider the idea that he a) is Superman, b) has a broomstick, or c) is lying about something.

FLguy: you could leave from here

I could...wait, what?

Me: ha ha
FLguy: we can have breakfast here at the hotel in the morning
Me: i find that all very unlikely.

BECAUSE I AM NOT INSANE.

FLguy: your words are amusing
Me: i'm glad you're amused.
FLguy: sometimes
FLguy: but its boring here
FLguy: cant you make a one time exception to travel here
FLguy: its going to be a good company
Me: exception to what?

I really wanted him to say something like "to your rule of not having sex with random guys on the Internet," but I was unfortunately not given that little fun gem.

FLguy: to hang out
Me: considering i have to get up at 6am to be at work at 7am, i'm not inclined to meet with some random person who's here for one night only.

Or at all, really, but I was trying to drive the point home.

FLguy: my sister lives in NJ so I come here sometimes
Me: ah.
FLguy: yea
FLguy: and you are always welcome to come to florida
FLguy: anytime :)

Because him having a sister in NJ and me being welcome in FL makes me meeting him at his hotel so much less creepy.

Me: what is in gainesville?
FLguy: umm good springs and beaches are close by
FLguy: i have a car there so it wont be any problme going around
FLguy: lol
FLguy: i am an open book so
FLguy: i like you to be honest
FLguy: you have been very sweet and without any attitude
FLguy:which is not common
Me: lol thanks

Translation: I've been planning this blog post since the first thing you said.

FLguy: we can go for a drink if you like
FLguy: i wana see some places before i leave philly
Me: i'm pretty sure i'm in for the night.

Time check: It is now 9:15pm.

FLguy: philly girls are weird
FLguy: i dont know
FLguy: completely different experience
Me: lol how so?
FLguy: well they will talk to you and you might think they would hang out or so
FLguy: and in the end its "I am too tired, its very late"
FLguy: thats what I heard last time
FLguy: there is not point in being good and sweet anymore and wasting time
FLguy: it doesnt lead to anything

I don't think I gave him any indication that it could possibly lead to anything, but hey, maybe we're having two different conversations.

Me: i don't generally hang out with anyone the first time talking to them.
FLguy: everyone is different in its own way
Me: indeed
FLguy: its not that late come on
Me: it is that late.

A sentiment I feel I have made abundantly clear during the tenure of our conversation.

Me: and i just don't randomly meet people offline for one night.
FLguy: but I dont have any other choice
FLguy: else I would have stayed here
Me: i am failing to see how that affects me at all.
FLguy: its alright
FLguy: it doesn
FLguy: i am just wasting my time I think
Me: hm. good thought.

I mean, seriously. He had talked to me for over an hour at this point and I still wasn't leaping into my car, so...

FLguy: you can feel good abt yourself right n ow
FLguy: but karma is always fair to everyone
FLguy: so it will your turn someday
Me: i doubt that karma will think that i am a bad person for not going out on a work night to meet up with a random guy at his hotel.
FLguy: well thats not the point
FLguy: but your statement was rude
FLguy: last one
Me: hm.

You heard it here first--because I didn't pay it forward and just whip on down to the Airport Sheraton, karma is going to bite me in the ass especially as I've uttered a rude statement. But FLguy wasn't finished waxing philosophical.

FLguy: if you meet a stranger anywhere, is that the first time or you have met themin some previous life too
Me: yes, but if i meet someone in, say, the mall, i can already see that they are perhaps not an axe murderer whereas random people on the internet could be completely different from how
FLguy: I mean you girls say it all the time " I dont meet strangers or I dont talk to them"..are you girls born here with friends

HE HAS FIGURED US ALL OUT, LADIES! The reason we need to go to the bathroom in groups is because we're born with all the friends we'll ever have and WE CANNOT RISK LOSING ONE.

Me: and really none of that trumps that i have to be at work at 7am.

Which, strangely enough, is really all I was trying to get him to acknowledge. It became almost like a game. But let's move on from philosophy to criminal justice:

FLguy: well then you need to put more attention to the current events
FLguy: most of the victims are not from online
FLguy:but from someone who knew them very closely
Me: lol
FLguy: go watch forensic files on tru tv
FLguy: it will give you some idea on what basis most cases are based
FLguy: and its not some bullshit like CSI
FLguy: its a 100% true event
Me: i've seen it.
FLguy: oh
FLguy: i thought most of you girls only watch what lindsey lohan is doing or which club paris hilton is going to
FLguy: i didnt know some of you actually watch those kind of "boring" shows
Me: ha ha. very funny.

After that, I didn't really feel inspired to talk with him anymore.

Fables.

And now it's time for Tales From My OkCupid Inbox!


This was a missed IM.

you look mad in your pics lol

I'm not mad in them. But what if I were, and you were "lol" at me and my feelings, you insensitive bastard?


I don't think some people realize that IMs are not like answering machines.

good evening. i enjoyed reading through your profile and would like to chat with you. i hope you are having a fantastic weekend thus far, and I look forward to hearing from you soon! :)

You've sent me an IM. We're chatting. In fact, generally people respond right away, given the concept of instant messaging. But if you insist...next time leave a callback number.


But if you're going to IM me with this, and only this:

?

...just give up.


Finally we have... Well, I find this indescribable.

have a random 'fable'

The Eggbanana and the molecule of vitamin B12.

Once there was an Eggbanana overwintering in a
gingko tree in Chicago. It was accosted by a molecule
of vitamin B12 who said "I am a molecule of vitamin B12".
The Eggbanana prompty ate the molecule.

Immoral of the story: Be wary of grains of cumin, for they may try to sell you Cheese Insurance.

Can someone explain this to me? Is there something funny here that I'm missing? At last check, eggs and bananas can't mate, ginkgo trees don't grow in Chicago, and molecules of B12 don't talk. Then again, I live on Earth - a place with which this man does not seem familiar.


I think the next entry will tackle the Holy Grail of all dating sites - PlentyOfFish.

We're back. Bad CraigsList ads never left.

This is from an ad on CraigsList with the subject line, "Looking for emotional love first and foremost."

"You are going to make a wonderful husband and father one day" This is what a very special friend of mine constantly tells me. But how useful is the information really if the girl who thinks it is also the one that won't let you have that chance?

Okay, that's a little whiny. But I'll give him a chance.

Look, I try my best to be romantic. I am that guy who will leave you flowers not because it's your birthday, not because it's a special day, not even because it's thursday. I will leave you those flowers because I saw them and I KNEW you would like them. I knew they would hold a special meaning for you other than them being just flowers. Romantic things just come to me randomly because I am thinking about you, and I want you to be happy.

Bordering on sappy, and like you're just telling me what you think I want to hear. But about 80% less creepy than most ads on CraigsList, so I'll read on.

Me: White, twenty four years old, five foot seven inches, two hundred pounds, blue eyes, dirty-blood hair. I am about to finish my bachelors degree, and I have a job. I don't like sports or cars so you won't find me ignoring you because the super bowl is on. Please be around my age. Race isn't important to me at all, and looks only matter in the way that there has to be an attraction on both sides for something to happen. However, I have a wide variety of types so don't let your hangups about your body and personality stop you from emailing me.

First of all... "Dirty-blood hair"? Dude, bad typo. And second... Even insinuating someone might have hangups before you've spoken to them is bad form.

And then there's this gem, in an ad seeking "emotional love"...

As a last note, I should mention that for those that just want sex, as long as I am single I would be willing to go with a 1night stand or FWB since it has been a long time since I had sex. You may want to know that I am VERY good at giving a girl orgasms and get pleasure from giving pleasure. I'm not trying to toot my own horn, but to give you an idea how good I can be, I have given a girl who medically was not supposed to be able to have orgasms, 5 huge orgasms in a single try.

Thanks for telling me! I was just about to ask you for references. Now...do you have a medical expert I can call about that miraculous event, as well? Hey, wait a minute... This ad wasn't supposed to be about sex...


And this one's called, "Redneck seeking girlfriend."

Im a 19 yr old redneck with a tricked out truck, have a job, i race quads, im an outdoors guy. I pretty much do anything . Im not looking for sex or you to send me to a website to get verified. Im looking for a cute girl whos skinny and not fat or ugly

I just... I can't. I can't.


And finally... "Total paranoia is just total awareness."

Be my girl. That is all.

I... Well... Is it wrong that I kind of like this? (It probably is.)

IRMEDD420 IV: A New Hope

So, my buddy IRMEDD420 has reappeared with a different username. I got a notification that someone had added me to his favorites list, so I clicked on the profile. The picture wasn't familiar, but when I saw what town he lives in, plus the line, "unfortunately i have no car at the moment and i realize that can be very unattractive," I knew...I just knew.

Then later in his profile he says, "my last profile was caps and surprisingly a fair amount of people actually care about the most pedantic shit." No, my darling; we just don't enjoy being yelled at.

Then there was this:

IRMEDD420: hello
Me: hello.
IRMEDD420: you are beautiful

It's like he doesn't remember calling me a snooty bitch. Amazing.

Knowledge and the Pursuit of Happiness

Humans are curious creatures. Without this curiosity, this thirst for knowledge, the modern marvels we take for granted would never exist. There are so many great questions out there that have been asked...

If Columbus hadn't asked "Think we can get to India if we sail west from here?" we'd all still be living in Europe. If the Wright brothers hadn't thought, "Do you think we can build something to fly in?" there would be no air travel as we know it today. If that one guy hadn't had a really clumsy wife who kept cutting herself, we wouldn't have Band-aids, but he asked himself, "What can I do so that she doesn't keep bleeding all over the linoleum?"

Then there are questions that shouldn't be asked, questions that make the questioner look like a complete douche, questions that make the questee hit the desk with her forehead. Like this one:

(8:39:21 pm)R****: How come no bf yr cute

There is truly no good answer for this question, but let's consider some responses.

• Because no one's asked me.
• Because I'm secretly a man.
• Because I'm a crazy bitch.
• Because, like, there's this guy, yannow, and I'd, like, really like him to be my boyfriend, yannow, but he, like, is in, like, a bad spot in his life, and, like, it's just not working out, yannow, but, like, maybe something good'll happen, yeah? *gum snap/hair twirl*
• Because I'm overwhelmed by the number of quality men on this site, I can't decide on just one.

Don't forget about commenting for our giveaway or I shall be very sad!

A Giveaway! Hooray!

Hooray for us, for this is our 100th post!

In celebration, we are going to giveaway a copy of this book to a random commenter, the method of choosing I have not yet determined, but it could possibly involve a hat, scraps of paper, and/or witchcraft (but the kind that Christine O'Donnell didn't practice because, like, that was the 80s, ya know?).

All you have to do is comment, preferably with some way to contact you for your address, otherwise I'm donating your copy to my roommate (because we all know he needs it more than any of you do).

I'll choose the winner next Wednesday after I drop the kitten at the vet so he can have his teeny-tiny manhood removed.

We shall now resume our (ir)regularly scheduled snarking. :)

I looking for beauty woman.

It's probably a little wrong to poke fun at the obviously illiterate, but...well, here we are.


hello beautifully

Beautifully what? You can't just put an adverb out there like that with no follow-up...

I was check out your profile and I see that you are very attractive woman. I would like to get to know u in more detail if u give me the time.

Okay, so verb tense isn't his thing.

I am going to tell you about my self. My name is Jeffrey. I am current single and look for a woman who is single too.She have to be serious and fun.You have to nice personality. I am look for long term relationship that is serious. I am look for somebody that is trust worthy compassion and understand and high computability.

"Computability"? Am I a calculator?

I also want somebody that can hold a conversation. I am a easygoing gut that like to have fun. I have a lot of hobbies. I am a very successful guy that will try to reach any goal that I set In life. I am a good guy that like to listen to what u have to said. I am easy to talk to about any thing.This is a opportunity to meet a serious fun love easy going guy. I am not here to waste your time or my time.

1) Hold a conversation? Huh. Okay.
2) Haha, he said he's an "easygoing gut."
3) Time has been wasted. I demand a refund.

I here to looking for the right woman to build a long term successful relationship with. If u are truly interest you can look at me profile and learn more about me.If u are truly u can content me at ********@yahoo.com or text me at **********. Hope to hear from u soon take care

To "content" him sounds a little bit too serious at this point in the relationship. I feel like we need to slow down.


I give him some credit: It was more than one sentence. So, y'know...B- for effort.

SWF ISO "Normal"

It's no secret that my biggest annoyance with the whole online dating thing is that men (this may be true of women, but I don't get messages from women, so I don't know) don't seem to put a whole lot of effort into their messages. I know it's "just the Internet," but the whole point is to then meet the person...well...in person, and if you're a complete idiot in your first message to me, what am I possibly going to think you'll be in person? Intelligent and suave? Unlikely.

So, I got this message in my OKC inbox:

I just wanted to say hello i really enjoyed reading your profile

As I have been accused of judging a book by its cover, I decided to return the message with the same amount of effort that was put forth initially. I responded with "Thank you. :)"

In return, I received this:

:) I honestly mean it I'm new to this Internet dating or whatever u wanna call it and so surprised to find someone normal is a relief

PUNCTUATION, GET YOU SOME.

But even beyond that--it's gotten to the point where the second some derivation of the phrase "I'm new to Internet dating" comes through on my computer screen I just shut down. It's almost Pavlovian, really. Someone could say it to me in real life on a street corner at this point, and my eyes would roll back in my head, then I'd collapse onto the ground, twitching.

I realize that it's a little embarrassing or whatever to be looking for a mate online, but I think we desperately need to get past that whole stigma as a culture. He's surprised that he found someone "normal," but we're all normal. We're all people in search of something.

And, I mean, come on. I could just be good at acting.

Crazy Is As Crazy Does

You all remember my friend Honest, right?

• Too Much Honesty, Part I
• Too Much Honesty, Part II: Electric Boogaloo
• Too Much Honesty, Part III: The Thrilling Conclusion
• Too Much Honesty, Part IV: Are You Curious About the Epilogue?
• Too Much Honesty, Part V: What the...?
  

I chanced upon his profile again, and saw that it had been updated to have this at the beginning of his Self-Summary:

I am not actively using this site anymore.... way too many crazy people with issues, so if you want to talk, send me a message with your # and we can text. Thanks!

While I am sure that there are many crazy people on OKCupid, I don't think that this particular pot should be calling that specific kettle black.

My other concern is the cognitive dissonance that allows him to believe that he will somehow weed out the crazy people by, instead of talking to them via the relative anonymity of the site, asking for them to give him their telephone numbers.

At least I have no illusion of what he will be like when he grows up.

Best Proposition I've Heard All Day, Though...

A 26-year-old from London, England asks...

PossibleMooch: hi, can i ask you something crazy?
Me: sure.
PossibleMooch: could i come stay with you for a while?
Me: i very much doubt it. why?
PossibleMooch: im just trying to get out of london, and find work
PossibleMooch: abroad
PossibleMooch: ok nevermind

I checked out his profile and while not entirely complete, and his only picture shows nothing of what he looks like, he doesn't come off as particularly weird until the part that says, "Also, if you want an EU visa I'm up for marriage - apartment exchanges."

Does that mean if you give him an apartment, he'll marry you?

Me: this may be a silly question, but what prompted you to ask me in particular?
PossibleMooch: well, you seem like you're fairly together, a fairly strong woman
PossibleMooch: maybe not prone to crazniess, but with gererous inclincations
Me: ah. fair enough.

So, ah, yeah...that was odd.

Non Sequitur FTW!

This guy's IMed me several times during the past year, though it stalls out every time after the initial pleasantries.

Him: what r u up to?
Me: not much. reading a book.
Him: what s the name?
Me: anna karenina
Him: u speak arabic

Er, what?

I checked his profile. According to it, he speaks English and French. Perhaps he's thinking of that other Leo Tolstoy--the one who was based in Iran...you know. He wrote that really awesome book, War and Not a Lot of Peace.

Then again, his follow up to asking if I speak Arabic was to ask if I was single which I think is a little weird considering it's a dating website and my profile says I'm single.

Him: your smile melted me

And on that note, I'm going to take this little pile of red flags and run away screaming into the night.

A Surefire Way to Impress the Lady

I don't normally hold with making two posts in the same day, but this one literally fell into my lap, so here it is.

Having decided at almost the last minute to go to the movies, I received an IM on OKC. As I was literally getting up to leave my apartment, I closed the browser and went on my merry way.

I saw Mao's Last Dancer--if it's playing near you, go see it; it was great.

When I came home, I decided to check my OKC account as I haven't been getting e-mails when people message me recently. Imagine my delight when I saw that I did, in fact, have a message.

Unfortunately for me, it was just informing me that I'd missed a second IM from the guy I'd closed my browser on:

Well this has been stimulating. I feel like I really know you now. I hate long goodbyes... but i really have to go :'(

Yes, sir. Woo me with your sarcasm.

A Hot, Classy Contradiction

A fellow by the user name of drlove[number redacted] IMed me while I was getting my hair cut, but when I got home, I took a look at his profile.

Without going into a whole feminist rant regarding the chauvinistic problem of being a lady in the street and a freak in the bed...

You should message me if
You are a hot classy chick and freaky at the same time. If you can act like a evil and an angel at the same time.
If you can be wild and moderate at same time.

...it strikes me that a lot of these profiles read much like horoscopes in that they could really apply to anyone, anywhere. Unless you happen to be Ned Flanders, chances are you are "classy" on the outside, but are also concealing some sort of deep, dark secret.

Or perhaps just a moderately deep, leaning towards dark secret.

For example, I'm secretly a man which makes this site that much funnier, doesn't it?

Or am I?

I can assume you're not fat.

Oh CraigsList...

This ad starts off just fine.

I am 28 year old SWM, never married no kids. Often told that I’m very attractive and believe so myself. Shorter brown hair, blue eyes, 6’3” 225, athletic build. I’m confident, intelligent, pragmatic, honest, and real. I am as far from your standard regular old guy as you could possibly imagine. I like being different, and unique and definitely am both. I’m very social and outgoing, can get by in just about any situation, and talk to any people. I do not smoke, do not do any drugs, and currently am on hiatus from drinking but will be back at it soon. I do like to party and be crazy, but I am also a very responsible professional. I own my own house and business for example.

I am in to a million different hobbies/activities including but by no means limited to mountain biking, hiking, camping, high pointing, surfing, snowboarding, fishing, shooting, working out, jogging, golf, brewing beer, wine, gardening, cooking, going to the movies, making movies, video games, Real Estate, astronomy, psychology, my hot tub and more (yes this is purposely random and as you can see a comprehensive list just to name a few!). I’m very in to sports and watch baseball and football religiously (Yankees and Patriots!!), along with a few others.

Okay, maybe a little cocky. But he's just selling himself, so whatever. Nothing too reprehensible.

But then...

I’d like to find a woman who enjoys some of my interests to share with me, yet is very independent with her own friends, own interests, and would not need to spend every waking moment with me. Being clingy or dependent is very much a turnoff to me. I need someone who is fun to be around and can hold intellectual stimulating conversations; Standard talk about “how was work today” and “what your brother Billy did this weekend” will not cut it or get us very far! A Potential partner must not smoke, must not have kids or former relationship drama, and should like to drink socially and party hard on occasion. Own car a must, legitimate job or at least self-supporting a must, and own place would be a plus. I’m not looking to support anyone and will not.

Oh. Well. What I read here is, "I attract women that are boring gold-diggers who can't take care of themselves." Darling, you must take a long, hard look at yourself to figure out why that is...

Age is not super important to me but for ease of use let’s say 23 to 35. Finally, call me shallow if you want but this person I’m looking for must be attractive. Height and weight are most important 5-6 to 5-11 being ideal with a fit, lean body (I am a boob man too though). NO FAT WOMEN: since when did it become socially acceptable for so many overweight people to be boisterous about their body?! Pretty face and longer hair (no tom boy cuts) also required. So, yes, for a relationship I’m looking for an 8 or 9 or better to match me.

It all makes sense now. You're stuck with those horrible women because you're a horrible man.

And regarding the part I bolded... REALLY?! Since when did it become socially acceptable to be a demanding, self-righteous, narrow-minded prick? Hmm?

I don’t have much time or desire to go out to the clubs or bars to find women so let’s see how this works out. Send a full body picture with your message just so I can assume you’re not fat. Then let’s talk and meet up, maybe enjoy a dinner together, or just drinks in the hot tub and see where it goes from there!

Should I send him random pictures of fat women from a Google image search? I bet he'd like that.

Fucker.

Sexy Lips II: Groundhog Day

Today, rather than sit at home, surfing the Internet for hours on end, I decided to venture out into the real world. I had a package to mail, so I went to the post office, and while I was there bought stamps, then eventually made my way to Borders with the intention of writing out the postcards to various people around the world, but ended up talking to my friend Mike and surfing the Internet.

Of course, along with Facebook and gmail, OKCupid had its own tab on my browser window. I was halfway through writing a postcard when I noticed the tab was flashing.

Oh my God.

He did try and spice it up a bit this time, though. This IM said, "sexy lips/". That little forward slash makes all the difference.

His profile's changed a little bit since that first time, too. Now the highlight is in the "You should message me if" section:

your not a loser.
you dont lie.... sad to say 70% of the girls on here lie so much its too funny they must just want attention anyway they can get it.
no druggies too

I love it when people automatically assume I'm a liar! Woo hoo! :P

Same as it ever was.

Highlights from recent weeks.


First we have the following thrilling introductions.

1) How are things?

2) Hello Heather :) My name is Manny

3) How's your day going so far?

These are people I've never spoken to, and that was the full text of each message. Awesome.


And this one...

send me a wink

You just sent me a message...to tell me...to send you a wink? I... What?


This is from the same guy.

u dont smile in any of yor photoz? bad grammr got u down?

I'd love to give him the benefit of the doubt and say he was trying to be funny, but the content of his profile leads me to believe that is not the case.


And this one's my favorite.

You're really cute, mind if I fap to your photos?

It was nice of him to ask, I must say.

But Tonight, I Can Be Whatever You Want, Baby

This isn't really a rotten fish, per se, but I'm boggled none-the-less, so I thought I'd share.

My profile, at the moment, says this:

I'm a technical writer at a call center who writes procedures for the people taking calls, though recently, I seem to be spending a lot of time in meetings.

So a fellow from Brazil IMed me. Asked me my real name. Asked me what I was looking for on the site. Then he asked, "R U really a technical writer?"

...

I'm sort of bemused, to be honest. Is that something that people normally lie about? I mean, if I were going to lie about what my job is, I'd be a doctor or a lawyer or an astronaut or heir to the Winchester gun fortune or something.

But a technical writer? Really?

Lacy in the Northeast

Was looking around in the Men Seeking Women section of the Philadelphia Craigslist and came across this gem:

Victorias secret - 24 (Ne)
Hey, looking for a girl to go panty shopping with. Think it would be fun for her to pick out my panties for me. Willing to buy both us new panties and other lingerie items.

So let me get this straight...this guy will take me to Victoria's Secret wherein we will shop for underwear. I will pick out underwear for him to wear. He will buy those panties as well as some new bras for me. Then we will go home and nothing more will be said of it?

Color me suspicious.

Hiatus Schmiatus.

It's been a while. But as Amadei said, just because we end up finding a few quality folks, that doesn't actually mean the bad ones go away. I bring you proof, in the form of messages I've received over the past few weeks.


I ignored this guy's IM because he called me "sweetie," which I can't fucking stand. And he replied with:

you can still get it

Well, that's great, but I don't want it, obviously. Thanks.


This message came via the "IceBreaker" feature on OKCupid, which stated we both liked "technology."

Hello fellow technophile.

Oh. Well. That's a riveting conversation-starter. What's my reply? "Hello"? Wow, we're really getting to know one another here...


This guy is 19. I think that's all that needs to be said.

I Challenge your sexy ass to a duel girl, Btw beautiful if your a blazer like me and appreciate bud then we should totally chill cause I just picked up an ounce the other night and I could always use another smoking buddy. I may not be God but I can make Kool-Aid out of water pce

A) What are we dueling over?
B) Pretty sure I make it clear that I'm SOBER. More than once.
C) That last line is just...all kinds of fail.


This one comes courtesy a man with a blank profile. My favorite.

If I filled a hot tub with whipped cream, would you grab your bathing suit and join me in it?

Um. Is this a kink of which I'm not familiar? Did he have a stroke of genius and decide this would be an awesome pick-up line? I mean, it got me to reply. Basically to say, "WTF, yo?" But, uh...what?


Yep. They're still out there.

A Semi-Serious Rant on Effort

The problem, I suppose, with Heather and I possibly actually getting better love lives is that the fodder for this blog goes downhill. Luckily for you, however, that doesn't actually stop people from sending messages. For example, this note that just popped into my inbox about an hour ago:

Subject: hi
Body: how ar eyou doing cutie?

...

I wasn't even aware that I was doing cutie let alone expound upon how exactly I was going about it. I just feel it's a really sort of personal question to start out with and all that's not even considering the possibility of her Death Cab. Srsly.

Even beyond that low blow to the grammar side--it continually baffles me why someone would go through the effort of sending a message, but not make it even slightly interesting so the recipient would want to respond.

I looked at the guy's profile, and I can't figure out for the life of me why he thought we'd be a good match considering we have absolutely nothing in common except that we're both Pisces and like sushi. He likes weightlifting (a lot), horror movies, and wants to own a boat. I like yoga, can't stand horror movies, and think boats are a hole in the water you throw money into.*

It just goes back to what I noticed very early in my on-line dating career: I'm looking for someone who will put in a little effort, and "hi, how are you doing, cutie?" doesn't quite cut it.

*Apologies to my brother who, in fact, owns a boat. He was in the Navy, though, so that almost makes it okay.

As seen on TV.

I did a silly thing and subscribed for another month of Match.com. It was at 25% off. I like a sale.


Anyway. This was the first email I got. Let us bear in mind that my age limit is 38, and this man is 47, first of all.

wow......................I think if you saw me in person you'd say woaw,he's attr. & in good shape though a triathalon is just the kind of fitness level I lack,elyptical,bowflex,etc,I am usually occupied in...my muse would be appealing to me,as I have a 1200 sq. ft. gym in my home,perhaps I can entice you with one day,however,I liked your ad & I think, feel ,demonstrate & represent a much younger and energetic gentlman,generally I enjoy the company af a younger gal,as my stamina & endurance are a drive only the young can appreciate,so love your attitude & look....call me sweetie and lets see how well we relate to one another.Peter two three seven ninety sixty one,so b n touch

My thoughts:

1) This is the absolute worst form message I've ever seen.

2) Wow, way to make this all about you. Your overly-inflated ego is so hot.

3) "Entice" me with your gym? Thanks for calling me fat.

4) Yes, that is his phone number. I don't even care anymore.

5) His profile picture looks like it was taken at Sears Portrait Studio, and he has a pornstache.


Upon viewing his profile, more nuggets of fabulousness.

1) The headline: "ISO sexy moxie cosmo jib.I'm most interested in the person,their experience,their outlook,and the depth of their compassion,integrity." ...pardon?

2) He signed his message with "Peter," but says his name is "Bill" in the profile text.

3) He stresses how much he would like to video chat with women he meets.

4) The words "zestful mensch" are used.

5) I really think I saw a Dateline NBC special on this guy, and he's a con man. Just sayin'.


The real problem here? Deciding what witty remark I shall use in reply.

Sexy Lips

June 4, 2010
Random: sexy lips
Me: i'm sorry?

July 18, 2010
Random: sexy lips
Me: i'm sorry; what?

At least he's consistent with his openings.

Random: lol
Random: sexy lips
Me: o...kay.
Random: o.... sorry next time i will say no wonder your single.

You heard it here first. It's no wonder I'm single because I don't respond favorably when a person IMs me with nothing but an adjective+body part.

Me: i'm not the one who randomly IMs people with strange phrases without context.
Random: and i am not the one who gets all you can eat buffets closed down

A veritable bastion of class and maturity, this one.

I messaged him back that he was the one who messaged me first, but alas, he'd already signed off. For shame.

Feline fail.

I have pictures my of cat on my profile, like all aspiring crazy cat ladies should. And I mention in there that she's 14 and my best friend. Because it's true.

I got this message earlier.

hey i had my cat for like 11years now

Well, that's great. It really is. But what's your cat's name? What's he/she like? Come on, now. I call my cat my best friend in my profile. That means I want to hear everything.

Something's wrong with you when you can't even pick up a woman who spends all her time with her cat. Just sayin'.

Sexual Fantasies: The New Icebreaker

Super Hero: hi
Me: hi

Classic!

Super Hero: so here is a question as far as an icebreaker lol
Me: okay.
Super Hero: hypothetically...
Super Hero: would a guy with a fantasy out of a comicbook be too geeky? lol

LOL, I don't know, LOL. But, hey, my profile says I read too much and play World of Warcraft, so obviously being "too geeky" is a huge concern.

Me: i suppose it would depend on the comic book and what the fantasy was.
Super Hero: oh I see lol
Super Hero: mine would probably make you laugh lol
Me: would it?
Super Hero: well lets just say I like a strong type of woman with a bit of a dominant side lol

But who is it, man?! Is it Wonder Woman or Catwoman? Were any of the Lanterns women? Is it some obscure comic book character no one's ever heard of but you?

Oh, wait, I know. It's Dr. Manhattan, isn't it? You coy sonovabitch.

Me: that's very descriptive.
Super Hero: true vague enough though so as not to be blushing ;-)

Sigh. I need to get my sarcasm notifier re-tuned.

And, no, even in the course of the rest of the conversation, I never found out which comic book fantasy was his; he just apologized profusely for some insult he thinks he gave me, but I couldn't quite figure out.

All he's missing is the rimshot.

This is what's supposed to pass for amusing and interesting conversation, apparently.


haha: Yo
me: hello.
haha: What up?
me: nothing. you?
haha: Driving home
me: oh, that's safe.
haha: Like you've never done it
me: text and drive? at a red light.
haha: Who says I'm not
me: that's a lot of red lights.
haha: Too many
haha: Here's another.
haha: When did 84 get all these?
me: there's one red light on 91. legitimately. there are none on 84.
haha: Guess I'm hallucinating.
haha: What's that turtle doing here?
haha: Honestly, I'm stuck in a jam
me: oh. I see.
haha: Some accident.
haha: Exit 40. Look it up.
me: nah.

Are you riveted yet?


haha: I just wanna go pass out
me: me too.
haha: At work?
me: nope.
haha: So why not?
me: I dunno, there's some dude trying to talk to me.
haha: Shall I let you go?
me: either that or start getting interesting.
haha: Hey. That's hardly fair. I'm stuck in traffic.
me: and that's not interesting.
haha: No need to be a snob about it.
me: I'm...not?
haha: You are actually.
me: well everyone's entitled to an opinion.
haha: And I think you're acting like a snob for my limited conversation due to my current location not meeting your standards. If I'm not "interesting" enough, I don't see you dropping any Mark Twain shit into this discussion.

Hold up a second there, Shecky. Didn't you IM me? Why do I need to be Mark Twain? I was content, y'know...not talking to anyone.


me: if you had nothing to say, why did you send me an IM?
me: burden of maintenance is on you. you started the conversation.
haha: Says the 21st century woman.
haha:Unreal.

Um...huh?


me: nice job trying to twist it into something it's not.
me: you wanted to talk to me. you're not really talking.
haha: I've said a lot more than you. In fact, this imaginary turtle has said more than you.
me: "I'm in a traffic jam." oh yeah, so many places to go from there.
haha: You could've said anything. I was trying to be humorous. If you're that numb to comic relief, no wonder you're single.

Can't possibly be that it wasn't funny because you're trying too hard. Nope.


me: I just didn't find it funny.
haha: And what sort of wit amuses you, Grumpy McWetblanket?
me: the kind that isn't forced.
haha: It wasn't. I naturally am like this.
me: then apparently I don't find you funny.
me: life will go on.
haha: But not this conversation. Good luck finding some dude dumb enough to look past that telephone pole cemented in your anus.
me: way to be a dick just because I'm not falling all over you. I'll be just fine, thanks.

I love how they always pretend they're the one that wanted to end the conversation.

The irony in all this is that this guy bills himself as a stand-up comedian. I can say for certain I will not be buying tickets to his shows.

I'm not sure I'm clear on your intent...

Generally, I appreciate people who are direct. In this instance...not so much.


Hey how are you? I want to have lots of rough dirty sex with you. Then get you pregnant.

...well then. I guess at least he asked me how I was first.


My reply:

I'm celibate and infertile, sorry.

I have a red pickup truck, LOL.

I got a message from this dude on PlentyofFish.

First of all... His profile was structured like a resume, with headings. The "intro," the "meat and potatoes," the "intent," and the "conclusion."


I'm faithful and full of energy. I can be monogamus with pride. I actually like sex, yup I just said that. II don't think theres anything wrong with telling you that sex is a GOOD thing.Yes, I like to pull on your hair during sex, who wouldn't. LOL! Why can't I have it with someone I care about? Lots of passionate kisses to go with it maybe even for hours, whos keeping track of the time anyways? (I wrote this so you can't say that I'm "misrepresenting" myself. LOL!)

Um, LOL, I wouldn't like it if you pulled my hair. Ugh. And what does that last sentence even mean?


My Harley was built by me from the ground up and would like a passenger once in a while. Yes, I have a red pick up truck too! LOL!

...oh. I am...not impressed. And sick of your LOL.


My "intent";
I'm looking for a woman that "Says what she means and means what she says with out being mean". A bonus would be that she takes pride in her appearance and actually has time for me.
I work for the state and am drug/STD free. (rather proud of that)

"Why does this need to be in quotes?" I swear, I'm getting to the point that nothing annoys me more than incorrect usage of quotation marks.


I know you women like to shop and are always trying to find the best deal. The women who actually check the item (me) out and see if it will fit and look good on them are welcome in the store. The women who are consumed with window shopping forever will never know what they just missed.(good luck in you search)

"You women"? Good job stereotyping. And that's a pretty tired metaphor you have there.


PoF = fail.

Amadei's Quick and Dirty Profile Translator

What He Says: "I'm very laid back and hate drama."
What He Means: "I bring a lot of drama into my life, but I don't realize the common denominator in all my drama is me."

What He Says: "I'm looking for someone who isn't already jaded from previous relationships."
What He Means: "I'm jaded, but I expect you not to be."

What He Says: "Also, age really does not matter as long as you know where you are going."
What He Means: "I'd prefer you be somewhere in the eighteen to twenty-one year old age range (even though I'm thirty-two)."

What He Says: "As for books, I like any of the Dan Brown books and am currently reading Cramer's first book on investing (ugh, not really fun)."
What He Means: "I am a boring, uncreative man."

What He Says: "You should message me if you enjoy having fun and are not high maintenance."
What He Means: "I expect you to be generic and not expect me to tell you that you're pretty. Ever."

Able to Pass Voight-Kampff: Y/N?

Having sent out quite a few messages on OKCupid in my time, I know there's a fine line between sounding like a robot and sounding like a stalker. What I didn't realize is that it's possible to sound like both at the same, but a fellow who just messaged me disabused me of any prior notion I might have had:

Subject: Hi
Body: Just wanted to say hi and that I liked what you wrote. Also, was wondering what is your meaning of life?

I will never doubt again.

IRMEDD420 III: The Curse of IRMEDD420

I love it when I have repeat offenders.

Keep in mind that the conversation to this point has been him calling me "baby," then telling me which of the pictures on my profile he liked the best.

IRMEDD420: so you arent interested eh?
Me: should i be?
IRMEDD420: i think you should wanna go out
IRMEDD420: :)
Me: why's that?
IRMEDD420: b/c as i said your sexy

Apparently, the gentleman thinks that mama raised a fool. I did attempt to clarify, though...

Me: i should want to go out with you because you said i'm sexy?
IRMEDD420: lol

But, but, but isn't that what he just implied? It's times like these when I question my own reading comprehension.

IRMEDD420: uh i would hope you'd be attracted to me as well?
Me: so i should go out with you because you said i'm sexy and you hope i'd be attracted to you?

All I'm looking for is an answer--a simple, succinct answer...

IRMEDD420: listen...do you meet many people here?

Apparently, he thinks he's Socrates: "I will answer your question by asking you a question."

Me: a fair amount, i'd say.

This is a lie. In the year I've frequented OKCupid, I have met a grand total of four men. I wonder why that could possibly be.

IRMEDD420: how? when you try tp be all superior and act bitchy?
IRMEDD420: damn

Oh, right. That's why.

Me: i'm just trying to make sure i understand what you're asking!

That's a lie, too. I be trollin', I be hatin'...

IRMEDD420: just cause your sexy doesnt mean you can act pretentious
Me: why not?
IRMEDD420: seriously?

Me: how can you even question my seriousness?

IRMEDD420: b/c its okc aND WE HAVE NO inflection WE JUST TYPE

Me: fair enough.

They be hatin'...on my trollin'...

IRMEDD420:well i got other women dieing to abuse me lol
Me: i am sure.

Oh, you wanted an argument? I'm sorry; this is abuse. You'll want room 12A.

IRMEDD420:go be all snooty by your lonesome bitch

Somehow, I'm pretty sure that a couple of AAs and my right hand will give me more satisfaction than he ever could.

Christian Women Beware...

...there are men in your religion who have gone off the deep end.

Tagline: am a person who needs respect and who respect others i am christian i respect my faith its the back ground of all the things

Holy run on sentence, Batman!

In His Own Words:
am a person who needs respect and i do respect in return i do make good use of my time am a christian its my back bone of faith . the following are the major things that am looking for .this person should love her self have respect to the people she loves she should be in position to handle any problems that may arise in other words she must be a problem solver that may arise in a house hold she should have some good loving since love is the most beautiful thing that God created for man and woman.to have a spirit of sharing, i love sharing it shows that you are thought of this kind of spirit make a happy home .honesty is the key for any relationship to grow in this case i would like to inform you that were things are not done in the straight way tend to break up in the end and this make the whole proses an easy and may affects both parties to break up easy.in any relationship to grow their must be children for a man and a woman these are fruits that we can look on our time to come .in the book of creation God created man in his own image and that was adam and from adams ribs he created woman and she was called eva .man was happy because seeing eva as his wife .So for the above mentioned rally show that man needs a copanion

As I know you probably don't want to read that block of text, I'll pull out the places that really made me go "huh?" (as opposed to the other bits that just made me go huh?).

am a christian its my back bone of faith How can being a Christian be the backbone of one's faith? If one's faith is "Christian" it can't also be the backbone of that faith, can it? Am I making sense to just me again?

she must be a problem solver that may arise in a house hold I really wish this sentence ended with "and barefoot in the kitchen" because I feel that's where it was going.

He also goes on to say that partners should be honest with each other, with which I agree, but then he continues with i would like to inform you that were things are not done in the straight way tend to break up in the end. Apparently, he's somewhat of a relationship guru. Little did I know that not being honest would lead to the end of a romance. Do go on, most intelligent sir.

in any relationship to grow their must be children for a man and a woman these are fruits that we can look on our time to come Read as: I like sex without a condom, and it's God's will, so get used to being preggo.

Then he ends it all with a mini Bible lesson: God created man in his own image and that was adam and from adams ribs he created woman and she was called eva .man was happy because seeing eva as his wife .So for the above mentioned rally show that man needs a copanion

So...the point of a relationship is to give the man a companion? Did I somehow get warped to Utah? Or Texas? Or back to the 1600s in Boston?

But what really gets me is it's a dating website...you want to put your best foot forward, right? If that's his best foot, I'd hate to see his worst foot. It probably has stigmata on it.

Ugh, being a good person is SO HARD.

So... The man with the intrusive question from this post returned for an IM conversation the other day. And I will say...it wasn't going horribly. Until this happened.


Talking about how he was at a local bar for New Year's Eve...

redflag: but was only for a short period of time, before the colored folks showed up
me: ...colored?
redflag: oh cmon
redflag: not that i am racist or anything
me: "colored" is not an okay term to use unless you're talking about pre-integration periods in the south.
redflag: it's not a term i use often
redflag: was something that just came to mind
me: yeah, well, just so you know, it might lead people to believe you're ignorant.

I don't buy that it "just came to mind." Not for a second. But whatever. I had nothing else to do. So I kept talking to him.


Now we were discussing his late night trip to Denny's the night before.

redflag: it's always a great time
redflag: especially when the food is on the house
redflag: unbenounced to them
redflag: lmao
me: you...did a dine and ditch?
redflag: i did
redflag: well, my group did

Mind you, he's 26 years old.


me: that's really not cool.
redflag: i was with 4 other friends and the generally consensus was to dine and ditch
redflag: obviously i am not going to get on my moral high horse and say "hey guys cmon, thats not cool"
me: why not?
redflag: for one thing i was an bit too innebriated, and secondly they would of done it reguardless and i would of been the jackass to take care of the bill
me: I'd rather pay the whole bill if it meant I'd find out what kind of "friends" I had.
redflag: hey what can i say, when my friends and I are drunk...we get a little crazy

That's right... "My friends and I." They were all drunk. And got in a car to go to Denny's. Awesome.

We argued for a while about ethics, and his basic response was, "I'm not proud of it, but it's funny." You just took money out of someone's pocket, and you could have killed someone driving drunk. Oh yeah...LOL. I was done with that.


He returned late last night with this nugget.

redflag: i think you might find it interesting to know that denny's called the cops and they reviewed survellance tapes and one of my friends cars got ID'd and they called him at 5am and told him if he does not pay the bill they will arrest him, so he went down and payed the bill

Now that? That's funny.


Of course I got lectured for being judgmental, and he defended his behavior as "living on the edge" and told me I should "try it sometime."

redflag: well, yah know...if you feel like this situation is enough to deem me as someone who is unworthy of your time then so be it
redflag: but perhaps it would behoove you to forgo some of you qualms about people and there behavior cause you might find that with a few exceptions there might be a great person behind the bullshit they do

(insert eyeroll here)

You do stupid teenage shit like get wasted and drive, then run out on a bill in your late twenties, and use an archaic, ignorant term for another race. But I'm in the wrong? Of course I am. Because I'm turning you down.


Grown-ups and non-hypocrites: Endangered species.

"Creepy" Is a State of Mind

I suppose a year is a fair amount of time to message someone for the second time. There's always a chance they've forgotten about you in the intervening time. Or perhaps their standards have lowered since that first message.

Unfortunately for this guy, neither has happened to me. I'm not sure my standards will ever be that low. He just sent me a boring IM this time ("hi") and I spazzed out and linked his profile to a friend of mine who pointed out this:


But what is really the icing on the cake is that this fifty-nine year old man who is looking for women aged nineteen to thirty-five has this in his profile:

The most private thing I'm willing to admit
is my fear of dating, even online dating, I've heard their are a lots of sick people out there ... but I'm still willing to put myself out here ... nothing to loose and every-thing to gain ... Like is just to short not to enjoy ... How about you ?

Emphasis in red mine.

My inner monologue as I read that: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA *inhale* HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Simple demands for a simple mind.

Found this winner on CraigsList.


not into sugar coating things and after the last 12 hours i've had i've just come to terms with what i need

i want a girl who loves metal....IS racist....loves to drink regardless time of day....doesnt play games...has a good job and/or knows what she wants to do in life....wants a relationship, or just some fun...and some great sex

White only...NO girls OVER 135lbs...tats & piercings are a plus....age doesnt matter but i love YOUNGER than me...doin outdoors stuff is fun too but not a neccessity to like it on ur part...I dont care what ur religion is (if u have one) but im an athiest so dont push your B.S. on me

IF you fit that description, then we already have a lot in common

I've got a great job that is really beneficial (you'll see why if you ask me) and a great car. I'm above average height and im definately in shape.

SEND A PIC OF YOURSELF BEFORE YOU CAN SEE A PIC OF ME


I bet he's getting a ton of responses. From women without teeth.

Some people should never talk about themselves.

Bits and pieces from recent browsing.


I'm extremely good at adding and subtracting numbers that are less than 3 digits. If you give me two numbers or in some case three that fall in that range....like 45+20+10. that's 75. I crank that out all day..... if that's the sorta thing you're into.

So...you're really good at elementary-level arithmetic? Wow. That makes me so hot. If you can read The Cat in the Hat, I'll take my panties off.


I need to work on my sense of humor, or lack thereof.
I am the least arrogant person I know, but I do not know many people.

This guy must be a riot at parties.


I am a bit of a "Technology" Nut. ... I'm a "avid" video game player ... I'm really good at "Puzzle Solving."

Also a "fan" of "unnecessary" quotation "marks."


At some point i plan on going to collage to study archeology and become an archeologist, because i really studying and learning about ancient civilizations.

You might want to start with spelling. Just sayin'.


im interested in metting someone active and interested in relationship possily some one who likes animals and wants too do interesting things anyone who wants too talk can message me hopefully close too me

This atrocious run-on with poor spelling and homophone confusion is bad enough. But the most notable thing? He had pictures of both himself and his pitbull on his profile, and they looked alike. I shit you not.


I am not great at this. It feels too much like updating my resume or writing a performance appraisal. I can just give out some more basics; I'm a good guy, a great listener, very funny, emotional stable, and other things that I am probably forgetting at the moment. If there is something else you want to know about me, just ask.

Zzzz... I'm sorry, that was so generic. I fell asleep.


And my favorite, which was probably just a typo, but still amusing.

Well for starters I would say that I have a very laid back person.

Like...in your freezer? Locked in a closet? Should I call the police?

Let us create a superior army of online daters.

This happened last week, but I just remembered I forgot to share.


I got this message on OKCupid, pretty much out of nowhere.

I am just curious as to why someone with a wealth of knowledge and intellect would not want to procreate with someone of high intellectual value as yourself, to spawn a super intellectual child to better this world from it's natural regression our world is seeing in these times.

This is your business...how? I mean, other than the fact that, given the way the message was worded, his goal was to...spawn with me. (For the record, his poor sentence structure would rule him out, supposing I were actually predisposed toward procreation.)


I replied quite succinctly.

Selfishness.

I'm Almost Too Bored to Type This

Let's pretend you're a single guy. You decide that you don't really want to be a single guy anymore, but you don't really go to bars and all your friends are married, so it's difficult to find a girl. Somehow, you find out about a dating website called OKCupid, so you decide to make a profile. You sit down and the best you can come up with is this:


Don't be too dismayed when no one messages you.

I Don't Want Clever Conversation, Never Want to Work that Hard

Silly me thinking I could turn on the OKCupid IM client and think that someone worth talking to would IM me. The first guy said, and I quote

Him: sexy lips
Me: i'm sorry?

He didn't say anything more after that, but I checked out his profile, and it says, "My perfect match would be someone who can keep up with me , someone smart, fit, cute, playful and driven... resulting in a very strong power couple :)"

Just the phrase "resulting in a very strong power couple" disturbs me deep within to the cockles of my heart.

The second guy just started off with this onslaught:

Hi, my name is [redacted] and i'm a good guy with a big heart. I am looking for someone who like to held hands, go for walks, out to dinner, see a movie, or spend a night dancing. I am looking for someone who likes affection and wants me to make her feel special.

While I am not opposed to any of those activities, it's a lot of information on one IM, right? But he continued...

Dude: i like you
Dude: i want to meet you and hang out with you and go uot with you
Dude: as a friend and a girlfriend to date me

I really have not the words. This is getting a little too hot and heavy for me too quickly. Next!

Feets: i have got backpain today
Me: that's no good! why?
Feets: been on the chair for long time
Me: ah
Feets: ur feet r free the now ?
Me: my feet?
Feets: yeah
Me: they aren't in shoes, if that's what you mean. lol
Feets: lol
Feets: no
Feets: i nee dur feet to trample my back

What...what? Okay, I am so over this. I don't care that it's not even nine o'clock yet. I am SO going to bed.

A Brief Conversation

Me: "My name is mike....I read ur bio and I liked it..Seemed really honest.....I just joined match 5 hours ago and trying it out....lol....Lets see I am fun and funny and nice..... .....I have not posted pics due to a strict workplace deal ..However If u want I can send a few to u .. I look good too !!
Ur job is close to what I do....I am on the phone alot and work in sales....Do u like ur job ??"
Heather: reply with, "ugh, stop. just stop."
Me: i should reply with "that's nothing like my job."
Heather: "it's like my job in that involves a phone. like many jobs."
Me: except for the part where i hardly use my phone. that part may be key.
Heather: but you have one, right? it's so the same.
Heather: at least he's not a prostitute. or maybe that'd be better.
Me: a prostitute might know what he's doing...

I also prefer men who don't abbreviate three letter words, but now I'm just being picky.

It's also a little weird that he called me honest because I'm pretty sure he's messaged me before today, despite having joined match only five hours ago.

Craig's House of Ill Repute.

Apologies for our absence. The oil spill is drastically reducing our haul. (See what I did there? Okay, yes, it was awful. I know.)


I stumbled upon this post on CraigsList Hartford.

I am a married male that is looking for a certain type of 40+ year old woman to be my personal playtoy. The reason that I want a woman over 40 is because you have already learned what life is about and you understand that the key to you being financially secure is to have a man in your life that can take care of you. In general... you need a man that can provide for you.

I was unaware turning 40 caused women to lose their entire self-worth and become subservient gold-diggers. Is that what I have to look forward to?


A playtoy to me is not a wife or girlfriend. She is a woman that takes care of my sexual needs and desires, she is a woman that I will never hit or abuse.

So you'd hit or abuse your wife or girlfriend? Nice.


She is a woman that will be there whenever I call to make sure that MY needs are satisfied. In return she gets the financial help she needs.

She is a prostitute.


I WILL NOT CONSIDER A WOMAN that
1) cannot host. I am not looking to go to hotels.
2) has a roommate or children that live with her.
3) is not able to be available for me 24 / 7. Whether I call you at 2 in the afternoon or 2 in the morning the only thing you should say to me is "should I be dressed or undressed when you get here".

Dude, I'm pretty sure there are services for this. That would probably cost less.


If you are looking to finally not have to worry about your bills being paid, or whether the gas and electric are going to be shut off, and you are ready to use the only thing you have (your body) to make sure that you are financially takin care of then her is what I expect you to do.

Wow. Just...wow. This guy thinks that all a woman has is her body? How about integrity? Pride? Oh, no, wait. She's a woman. She can't have that.


Stuff like this makes me wish I could sincerely become a lesbian.

Oh baby.

I do not know the genesis of this encounter, but...here you go.

I had noticed this guy sent me an IM on Yahoo! Messenger a few days ago, but I wasn't around. And I'm fairly certain he sent me a friend request, but I denied it. Yet somehow he ended up on my buddy list.


bigbaby: hi
bigbaby: how are you
bigbaby: wanna chat
me: depends. who are you?
bigbaby: james
bigbaby: from diaperspace, you added me
me: from...where?
bigbaby: do you like playpens?
me: uh... you have the wrong person.


And then Amadei had to go and link me to DiaperSpace. I can assure you I was not there. To each their own. But...dude, no. Just no.

(Honestly? Now that I think about it... I'm betting this is a guy from OKCupid who added me on Facebook, then sent me an IM on AIM and pretended he didn't know me. Creepy.)

He needs a reality check. STAT!

From the Department of Downright Awful Pickup Lines at PlentyofFish...


My heart problem has reached a
critical stage.
That doctor says:
There r only 2 options left…
ICU

Or

U C Me.

I am Sherif, 32, what you think?


Well, Sherif. I think a few things.

1) That's one of the top ten worst lines I've ever heard. So congratulations on that.

2) "U C Me" is not an actual medical term. If it were, I might think this was cute. No...no, wait. I still wouldn't.

3) You're 32 years old. If you don't want to be the old, skeevy guy at the bar, wearing a leisure suit and hitting on women half his age...you'll stop the script now.

One more thing.

4) No.

Know what sucks? Fun. Fun sucks.

I do so enjoy when they don't even start with "hello."


funguy: dtf?
me: ...huh?
funguy: down to fuck
me: considering I didn't even know what that meant, I'm gonna go with no.

...seriously? Do people actually say that? Are we that lazy now? Is this the "sexting" kids do?


funguy: oh do u like to have fun?
me: no, I hate it. what kind of question is that?

It's absolutely appalling how many times I've said this to people. Usually they're trying to ask if I want to fool around with them, because apparently that's synonymous for "fun" these days.


funguy: lol well i mean do u like to meet nice guys and have fun with them
me: and what do you consider "fun"?
funguy: getting to know u and u me, talking really getting to know one another, laughing smiling

Here he has described "dating." Which, when done correctly, does have the potential to be fun.


me: again...what kind of question is that? sounds like an awful time to me.
funguy: oh ok, well pce

His sarcasm detector is broken, it would seem. And I didn't know it was that difficult to type "peace."


Naturally, I needed to have the last word.

me: work on some better openers, dude.

My new profession?

This one - 46 years old, by the way - and I had spoken once before. All he wanted to know was whether I got aroused watching men masturbate and if I'd ever had an orgasm. I told him I wasn't answering that, and he should be on his merry way elsewhere. But alas, he returned. And I was none too pleased.


porny: I see you are having a hard time breaking out of your current employment position
me: a lot of people are. and?
porny: Have you considered the adult industry?
me: no.
porny: There are great oppurtunities
porny: A lot of money can be made

Apparently it's now considered perfectly normal and polite to open a conversation with, "Oh, you're looking for a job? I think you should do porn."



me: unless any of them include staying fully clothed, no thanks.
porny: well some do
me: and there are so many adult companies here in CT, right?
porny: Well for instance, massage can be done clothed
me: that's...not really an adult industry.
porny: Yes, unless you are willing to do hand releases
me: yeah, I don't really like touching people, so no.
porny: phone sex is another possibility

And as a regular consumer of such things, you'd know.



me: is there a point to this? because from where I sit, you're just hoping it'll lead to dirty talk, and that's not going to happen.
porny: no not at all
porny: from where I sit, I think attractive women should take advantage......make some money
me: I have no issue with women who choose to do so. it's just not my thing.
porny: well, you are very attractive...thought you would want to take advantage of it

Now, forgive me, but I must go off on a tangent. Why do men assume that all women desire to use their sexuality to get ahead? I've had more than one guy say he doesn't understand why I don't just flash my boobs to get what I want. Gee, I dunno... Maybe I want to earn it with my brain? Because I do have one of those, y'know.



me: do you remember talking to me before?
porny: no, did we?
me: yes we did.
porny: Oh, sorry don't recall
porny: hope you enjoyed it
me: I didn't like your line of discussion then, and I don't like it now.

And he went away. But he'll be back. They always come back.

Tiny Fist of Impotent Rage

You should message me if
You are sick and fucking tired of people online flaking the fuck out and not giving you a straight answer.

Unlike some people I've met on here I will call if I can't make a planned on date and I better have a good reason cause besides illness or death I can't understand why I'd fuck up plans to go somewhere.

If I don't like you I'll tell you. If you ask why you failed to impress me I'll tell you.

I really have no illusions as to why this man is still single.

This Post Starring David Bowie's Area

OKCupid has a feature called "Icebreaker" wherein it gives you a topic and a "mystery match." You write out your little message about the topic and it sends it off to about three other people who supposedly have that interest also.

I received one today with the subject "pans labyrinth." The entire body of the message?

bowie balls. :D

Now, anyone who's seen Labyrinth is probably very familiar with David Bowie's Area, because it pretty much is the biggest star in the movie. The biggest...anything...in the movie, actually. So there's really no doubt to what, exactly, my mystery match was referring.

Except that the movie Labyrinth is VASTLY DIFFERENT from the movie Pan's Labyrinth.

One's sort of a fantasy word where a girl is searching for her baby brother who's been kidnapped, and one's REALLY FUCKING FREAKY.

And includes no Bowie balls. At all.

So to you, mystery match: failsauce.

Snippets from Today's Browsing

These all came from different profiles:

The first things people usually notice about me
My face and my whole body and my earrings

Way to narrow it down there, Sparky. Is there anything they don't notice first?

My favorite books, movies, music, and food
are you fucking kidding me........ask

Damn...and here I thought I was reading your profile to get some information about you. Methinks someone has slightly missed the point.

My Self-Summary
I'M LOOKING FOR A WOMAN WHO MAKES ME HAPPY AND HAS THE SAME LIFE GOALS AS I DO . I LOVE TO TRAVEL AND PLAY SPORTS. I LOVE TO JOKE AND LAUGH. HOBBIES ARE MMA AND INVESTMENTS. I LOVE ANIMALS AND AM VERY CLOSE TO MY FAMILY. I OWN A SUCCESSFUL BUSINESS THAT HAS BEEN GROWING RAPIDLY. I HAVE ONE SIBLING; AN OLDER BROTHER WHO IS AUTISTIC. I AM NOT A BORING PERSON AND FIND FUN IN ANYTHING. I AM CURRENTLY TRAINING HARD FOR A FIGHT IN ATLANTIC CITY AND ENJOY THE EXERCISE.

MMA and...investments? What makes this one give me a headache even more than the undying capslock is that he actually had someone edit this with the OKCupid editing tool...which is doubly odd because that person's profile is actually decent. I mean, were I a guy, I'd hit it.

Er, whut?

My favorite books...
I just finished Blink, which presumes to be about the efficacy of snap judgments. It concludes that you should a) always trust snap judgments and b) never, ever trust snap judgments. There - I just saved you $17.99. You're welcome.

Okay, so that last one wasn't a Rotten Fish; I thought everyone might appreciate the book review.

The Rotten Fish of the Sea: Saving you money that you could have spent on bad books since 2010.

Pedantic Ama Is Pedantic

Maybe it's just the English major in me that twitches when people don't actually respond to the question they're asked, but at least it keeps me from settling, right?

Take my new friend here: he popped up in my local matches, and the first thing I saw was this:

My Self-Summary
i need a woman who still understands what it means to be a woman. treat me like a man and I will honor you like the woman you are.

Forgive me for being pedantic, but that isn't really a summary of him, is it? Well, I guess the second sentence is, sorta, but the first sentence...it's pushing the limit in my opinion.

Even beyond that, what the hell does it even mean, exactly? "Understands what it means to be a woman"? Right now, I think that "meaning to be a woman" is having this pain radiating out of my lower back down my left leg whilst I enjoy other...uncomfortable things...that will last probably three more days.

Though I doubt that he'd want me to tell him about those particular trials and tribulations.

Or is he one of those guys who will tell his daughter that she can be anything she wants to be, but wants his wife pregnant and peeling grapes all the time? I can only assume that "treating him like a man" involves the aforementioned peeled grapes and copious amounts of fellatio.

I think we need some clarification.

Edit, 5/6/2010: One of my friends just informed me that she got this fine fellow in her QuickMatch. Dude gets around, doesn't he!

He works hard for the money.

Prior to this, the conversation was normal. We exchanged pleasantries, and he said he liked the picture of my cat. Then he awkwardly switches gears.


richfireman: iam firefighter Emt
me: I am...not.
richfireman: what do you do for work
me: retail.
richfireman: cool

Let's note that I haven't changed his chosen name that much; "fireman" is in it. So there wasn't a whole lot of doubt as to what he does for a living. Nor should there have been doubt about my occupation, since I mention it very clearly in my profile.


richfireman: i see you like to play pool
me: eh, yeah, I don't do it often.
richfireman: would like to play sometime
me: well I'm sure I'll play again eventually.

Would [I] like to play sometime? As someone who enjoys pool... Yes, yes I would. This is a silly question. At least I'm assuming it's a question, as it lacks the proper punctuation.


richfireman: i would like to ask you out on a date sometime if thats ok with you
me: it's fine if you ask me. but I'm going to say no.
richfireman: whys that
me: well I don't know enough about you to determine whether I want to consider that.
richfireman: thats ok
me: it's okay that I might not want to consider it? yes, it is.

Yeah, dude. Like I really needed your validation to say no. So I guess the next part was an attempt to share more about himself.


richfireman: so i work a lot
richfireman: my pay for this week is about 200 dollars

I...just... LOL. Is that supposed to impress me? I work a part-time retail job and make more than that. And lemme tell ya, it isn't even close to being enough. I don't really care how much money he makes, but I would like to know in which happy universe he lives where this is a lot of money. And if there are vacancies. But instead I told him I didn't really need to know that information, and...he had nothing else to say.


As I said on Twitter... I continue to be baffled by just how awkward people are online. Not good at face-to-face interaction? Great, neither am I. But why do 75% of these people seem like they just escaped from a cave and haven't spoken to a human being in years?

Quality Bachelors.

Welcome to CraigsList, Western Massachusetts!


So here is the deal I am utterly obsessed with the rain forest and I want out of the US. The idea is simple. My family has property in Costa Rica. To become a citizen can be a hassle. Unless, your child is born in the country, then you can apply to stay there pretty readily. If you are currently pregnant and in a bad situation or if you just want out of here for a few years in a tropical paradise or want to start a family, what ever reasoning might work for you. Let me know. Everything there is fairly cheap and simple there. I am not saying living like a gods is going to happen, but comfortable an lets face it if you have to live comfortable where is nicer the rain forest and tropics or where ever you are now.

Oh yeah. That's a perfect plan for the woman. Leave the country and raise a child with a total stranger. Hope she knows someone who can perform a background check...


Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.

If smelling one another is enough, I've been in love with a couple hundred people. Probably more. God, I'm a slut.


Are you ugly, fat, old, nerdy, or even handicapped? Have you lost all hope of ever getting layed?Well I'm here to help. I'm 37,and a little on the chunky side, but what I lack in looks I more than make up for with the tounge action. (not sayin I'm ugly but I'm no Brad Pitt) I will discreetly come to your house or hotel, and make with the nice nice. Just drop me a line and/or a pic and we'll talk.

So this is, essentially, a pity fuck from a guy who would typically be the recipient of a pity fuck. Awfully nice stroke to the ego, isn't it, Not Brad Pitt?


I'm a fairly young Professor (in my 30s) at an Amherst college, who has always had a thing for precocious, intelligent, and (yes) sexy young women. There's something about the combination of the young female mind and the young female body.. I flatter myself to say that I've had several female students who have had an interest in me over the years. I've never pursued such interests due to the obvious seeming impropriety. However, now that Spring is here, the clothes are skimpier, and we're heading towards the last few weeks of the academic year, I find myself compelled to explore this fantasy further…

This? Is creepy. Thankfully I'm not still in college. Otherwise I'd be wearing about 75 layers to class, worried that my professor is perving on me then posting ads for sex on CraigsList.


Lemme start out by sayin craigslist is pretty awesome. Its helped me get a few trucks sold my camaro n got a bunch of other stuff bought and sold from it so thankkks to Clist! This is a bit different for me than posting a truck or car or anything lol i figured id give it a try seeings how i always check clist for new auto's n stuff. Im 21yrs old an thus far its pretty damn sweet at the moment i am landscaping and doing roofs waiting to leave for basic training in oktober. I am by no means a bum or slackker id say i am far beyond driven! Im good looking i cant lie about that I have no problems getting girls im not a creeper or somebody who sits around the house on the computr 24 7, I am always outside doing something, playing in the woods on 4wheelers or the dirtbike going fishin hunting in the winter. Basically and dont mean to sound shallow but you have to be hot!! Gotta have a graet personality and be able to make me laugh and make fun of me. I can entertain like no other ill say that. If ya wan email me if ya send a pic ill give ya one back. Im sure im bound to get some of them robot sex site emails but whatever ill go around them!!!

I...don't think I need to comment on this.

Help, help! I've lost a proton!

I wanted to make a post. One fell into my lap.


This guy asked me for my AIM name right away. And I, uncharacteristically, gave it to him.

mrpositive: you have been on that site for 5 years
me: yep.
mrpositive: damn I just found it
mypositive meet alot of people on there?
me: not really, no.
mrpositive: y not
me: not sure. just don't.
mrpositive: so does that mean u haven't had a bf in over 5 years

Now, let's be clear: One can have a profile on OKCupid and not be single. So this is a marginally silly question.


me: yes.
mrpositive: thats shitty
me: I'm fine with it.
mrpositive: you don't want a bf
me: I don't want to settle, and I haven't met anyone I find worthy of a relationship.
mrpositive: it hasn't been 5 years for sex has it

I despise when men ask me about my sex life ten minutes into a conversation. There are tons of people that I've known for a very long time who don't know the details (for these purposes, we'll disregard the fact that there aren't many details to tell). So sorry, random dude. You're not getting them, either.


me: and what if it has?
mrpositive: that would really suck it's hasn't been close to that for me and I miss it
me: I don't really care about it.
mrpositive: about sex?
me: yeah.
mrpositive: when was the last time
me: does it matter?
mrpositive: no
me: then you don't need to know.

Because we're not having sex. Got it?


mrpositive: alright well you seem pretty negative
me: about what?
mrpositive: everything
me: I...don't get that at all. what did I say that's negative?

Seriously, I'm just being honest. I'm apparently negative because I don't like sex. That's what I'm getting from this. I actually think it's a sign of being fairly upbeat if one can handle living without it. Just sayin'.


mrpositive: now i guess i understand why u havent met anyone

OH NO YOU DID NOT.


me: don't be a dick. if you're going to say shit like that, back it up.
mrpositive: you have been nothing but negative
mrpositive: bye
me: but I asked you what I said and you wouldn't answer. that means you have no reason to say that. therefore... yeah, bye.

Whatever. I'm negative, you're lazy. Life goes on. But you're also a douche. So there.


(And yeah, I made a totally nerdy joke about negativity in the title. I'm just that awesome.)