Sunday, August 29, 2010

But Tonight, I Can Be Whatever You Want, Baby

This isn't really a rotten fish, per se, but I'm boggled none-the-less, so I thought I'd share.

My profile, at the moment, says this:

I'm a technical writer at a call center who writes procedures for the people taking calls, though recently, I seem to be spending a lot of time in meetings.

So a fellow from Brazil IMed me. Asked me my real name. Asked me what I was looking for on the site. Then he asked, "R U really a technical writer?"


I'm sort of bemused, to be honest. Is that something that people normally lie about? I mean, if I were going to lie about what my job is, I'd be a doctor or a lawyer or an astronaut or heir to the Winchester gun fortune or something.

But a technical writer? Really?

Monday, August 23, 2010

Lacy in the Northeast

Was looking around in the Men Seeking Women section of the Philadelphia Craigslist and came across this gem:

Victorias secret - 24 (Ne)
Hey, looking for a girl to go panty shopping with. Think it would be fun for her to pick out my panties for me. Willing to buy both us new panties and other lingerie items.

So let me get this straight...this guy will take me to Victoria's Secret wherein we will shop for underwear. I will pick out underwear for him to wear. He will buy those panties as well as some new bras for me. Then we will go home and nothing more will be said of it?

Color me suspicious.

Saturday, August 7, 2010

Hiatus Schmiatus.

It's been a while. But as Amadei said, just because we end up finding a few quality folks, that doesn't actually mean the bad ones go away. I bring you proof, in the form of messages I've received over the past few weeks.

I ignored this guy's IM because he called me "sweetie," which I can't fucking stand. And he replied with:

you can still get it

Well, that's great, but I don't want it, obviously. Thanks.

This message came via the "IceBreaker" feature on OKCupid, which stated we both liked "technology."

Hello fellow technophile.

Oh. Well. That's a riveting conversation-starter. What's my reply? "Hello"? Wow, we're really getting to know one another here...

This guy is 19. I think that's all that needs to be said.

I Challenge your sexy ass to a duel girl, Btw beautiful if your a blazer like me and appreciate bud then we should totally chill cause I just picked up an ounce the other night and I could always use another smoking buddy. I may not be God but I can make Kool-Aid out of water pce

A) What are we dueling over?
B) Pretty sure I make it clear that I'm SOBER. More than once.
C) That last line is just...all kinds of fail.

This one comes courtesy a man with a blank profile. My favorite.

If I filled a hot tub with whipped cream, would you grab your bathing suit and join me in it?

Um. Is this a kink of which I'm not familiar? Did he have a stroke of genius and decide this would be an awesome pick-up line? I mean, it got me to reply. Basically to say, "WTF, yo?" But, uh...what?

Yep. They're still out there.

A Semi-Serious Rant on Effort

The problem, I suppose, with Heather and I possibly actually getting better love lives is that the fodder for this blog goes downhill. Luckily for you, however, that doesn't actually stop people from sending messages. For example, this note that just popped into my inbox about an hour ago:

Subject: hi
Body: how ar eyou doing cutie?


I wasn't even aware that I was doing cutie let alone expound upon how exactly I was going about it. I just feel it's a really sort of personal question to start out with and all that's not even considering the possibility of her Death Cab. Srsly.

Even beyond that low blow to the grammar side--it continually baffles me why someone would go through the effort of sending a message, but not make it even slightly interesting so the recipient would want to respond.

I looked at the guy's profile, and I can't figure out for the life of me why he thought we'd be a good match considering we have absolutely nothing in common except that we're both Pisces and like sushi. He likes weightlifting (a lot), horror movies, and wants to own a boat. I like yoga, can't stand horror movies, and think boats are a hole in the water you throw money into.*

It just goes back to what I noticed very early in my on-line dating career: I'm looking for someone who will put in a little effort, and "hi, how are you doing, cutie?" doesn't quite cut it.

*Apologies to my brother who, in fact, owns a boat. He was in the Navy, though, so that almost makes it okay.