Sunday, June 27, 2010

I have a red pickup truck, LOL.

I got a message from this dude on PlentyofFish.

First of all... His profile was structured like a resume, with headings. The "intro," the "meat and potatoes," the "intent," and the "conclusion."

I'm faithful and full of energy. I can be monogamus with pride. I actually like sex, yup I just said that. II don't think theres anything wrong with telling you that sex is a GOOD thing.Yes, I like to pull on your hair during sex, who wouldn't. LOL! Why can't I have it with someone I care about? Lots of passionate kisses to go with it maybe even for hours, whos keeping track of the time anyways? (I wrote this so you can't say that I'm "misrepresenting" myself. LOL!)

Um, LOL, I wouldn't like it if you pulled my hair. Ugh. And what does that last sentence even mean?

My Harley was built by me from the ground up and would like a passenger once in a while. Yes, I have a red pick up truck too! LOL!

...oh. I am...not impressed. And sick of your LOL.

My "intent";
I'm looking for a woman that "Says what she means and means what she says with out being mean". A bonus would be that she takes pride in her appearance and actually has time for me.
I work for the state and am drug/STD free. (rather proud of that)

"Why does this need to be in quotes?" I swear, I'm getting to the point that nothing annoys me more than incorrect usage of quotation marks.

I know you women like to shop and are always trying to find the best deal. The women who actually check the item (me) out and see if it will fit and look good on them are welcome in the store. The women who are consumed with window shopping forever will never know what they just missed.(good luck in you search)

"You women"? Good job stereotyping. And that's a pretty tired metaphor you have there.

PoF = fail.

Amadei's Quick and Dirty Profile Translator

What He Says: "I'm very laid back and hate drama."
What He Means: "I bring a lot of drama into my life, but I don't realize the common denominator in all my drama is me."

What He Says: "I'm looking for someone who isn't already jaded from previous relationships."
What He Means: "I'm jaded, but I expect you not to be."

What He Says: "Also, age really does not matter as long as you know where you are going."
What He Means: "I'd prefer you be somewhere in the eighteen to twenty-one year old age range (even though I'm thirty-two)."

What He Says: "As for books, I like any of the Dan Brown books and am currently reading Cramer's first book on investing (ugh, not really fun)."
What He Means: "I am a boring, uncreative man."

What He Says: "You should message me if you enjoy having fun and are not high maintenance."
What He Means: "I expect you to be generic and not expect me to tell you that you're pretty. Ever."

Friday, June 25, 2010

Able to Pass Voight-Kampff: Y/N?

Having sent out quite a few messages on OKCupid in my time, I know there's a fine line between sounding like a robot and sounding like a stalker. What I didn't realize is that it's possible to sound like both at the same, but a fellow who just messaged me disabused me of any prior notion I might have had:

Subject: Hi
Body: Just wanted to say hi and that I liked what you wrote. Also, was wondering what is your meaning of life?

I will never doubt again.

Monday, June 21, 2010

IRMEDD420 III: The Curse of IRMEDD420

I love it when I have repeat offenders.

Keep in mind that the conversation to this point has been him calling me "baby," then telling me which of the pictures on my profile he liked the best.

IRMEDD420: so you arent interested eh?
Me: should i be?
IRMEDD420: i think you should wanna go out
IRMEDD420: :)
Me: why's that?
IRMEDD420: b/c as i said your sexy

Apparently, the gentleman thinks that mama raised a fool. I did attempt to clarify, though...

Me: i should want to go out with you because you said i'm sexy?
IRMEDD420: lol

But, but, but isn't that what he just implied? It's times like these when I question my own reading comprehension.

IRMEDD420: uh i would hope you'd be attracted to me as well?
Me: so i should go out with you because you said i'm sexy and you hope i'd be attracted to you?

All I'm looking for is an answer--a simple, succinct answer...

IRMEDD420: you meet many people here?

Apparently, he thinks he's Socrates: "I will answer your question by asking you a question."

Me: a fair amount, i'd say.

This is a lie. In the year I've frequented OKCupid, I have met a grand total of four men. I wonder why that could possibly be.

IRMEDD420: how? when you try tp be all superior and act bitchy?
IRMEDD420: damn

Oh, right. That's why.

Me: i'm just trying to make sure i understand what you're asking!

That's a lie, too. I be trollin', I be hatin'...

IRMEDD420: just cause your sexy doesnt mean you can act pretentious
Me: why not?
IRMEDD420: seriously?
Me: how can you even question my seriousness?
IRMEDD420: b/c its okc aND WE HAVE NO inflection WE JUST TYPE
Me: fair enough.

They be hatin'...on my trollin'...

IRMEDD420:well i got other women dieing to abuse me lol
Me: i am sure.

Oh, you wanted an argument? I'm sorry; this is abuse. You'll want room 12A.

IRMEDD420:go be all snooty by your lonesome bitch

Somehow, I'm pretty sure that a couple of AAs and my right hand will give me more satisfaction than he ever could.

Friday, June 18, 2010

Christian Women Beware...

...there are men in your religion who have gone off the deep end.

Tagline: am a person who needs respect and who respect others i am christian i respect my faith its the back ground of all the things

Holy run on sentence, Batman!

In His Own Words:
am a person who needs respect and i do respect in return i do make good use of my time am a christian its my back bone of faith . the following are the major things that am looking for .this person should love her self have respect to the people she loves she should be in position to handle any problems that may arise in other words she must be a problem solver that may arise in a house hold she should have some good loving since love is the most beautiful thing that God created for man and have a spirit of sharing, i love sharing it shows that you are thought of this kind of spirit make a happy home .honesty is the key for any relationship to grow in this case i would like to inform you that were things are not done in the straight way tend to break up in the end and this make the whole proses an easy and may affects both parties to break up any relationship to grow their must be children for a man and a woman these are fruits that we can look on our time to come .in the book of creation God created man in his own image and that was adam and from adams ribs he created woman and she was called eva .man was happy because seeing eva as his wife .So for the above mentioned rally show that man needs a copanion

As I know you probably don't want to read that block of text, I'll pull out the places that really made me go "huh?" (as opposed to the other bits that just made me go huh?).

am a christian its my back bone of faith How can being a Christian be the backbone of one's faith? If one's faith is "Christian" it can't also be the backbone of that faith, can it? Am I making sense to just me again?

she must be a problem solver that may arise in a house hold I really wish this sentence ended with "and barefoot in the kitchen" because I feel that's where it was going.

He also goes on to say that partners should be honest with each other, with which I agree, but then he continues with i would like to inform you that were things are not done in the straight way tend to break up in the end. Apparently, he's somewhat of a relationship guru. Little did I know that not being honest would lead to the end of a romance. Do go on, most intelligent sir.

in any relationship to grow their must be children for a man and a woman these are fruits that we can look on our time to come Read as: I like sex without a condom, and it's God's will, so get used to being preggo.

Then he ends it all with a mini Bible lesson: God created man in his own image and that was adam and from adams ribs he created woman and she was called eva .man was happy because seeing eva as his wife .So for the above mentioned rally show that man needs a copanion

So...the point of a relationship is to give the man a companion? Did I somehow get warped to Utah? Or Texas? Or back to the 1600s in Boston?

But what really gets me is it's a dating want to put your best foot forward, right? If that's his best foot, I'd hate to see his worst foot. It probably has stigmata on it.

Monday, June 14, 2010

Ugh, being a good person is SO HARD.

So... The man with the intrusive question from this post returned for an IM conversation the other day. And I will wasn't going horribly. Until this happened.

Talking about how he was at a local bar for New Year's Eve...

redflag: but was only for a short period of time, before the colored folks showed up
me: ...colored?
redflag: oh cmon
redflag: not that i am racist or anything
me: "colored" is not an okay term to use unless you're talking about pre-integration periods in the south.
redflag: it's not a term i use often
redflag: was something that just came to mind
me: yeah, well, just so you know, it might lead people to believe you're ignorant.

I don't buy that it "just came to mind." Not for a second. But whatever. I had nothing else to do. So I kept talking to him.

Now we were discussing his late night trip to Denny's the night before.

redflag: it's always a great time
redflag: especially when the food is on the house
redflag: unbenounced to them
redflag: lmao
me: you...did a dine and ditch?
redflag: i did
redflag: well, my group did

Mind you, he's 26 years old.

me: that's really not cool.
redflag: i was with 4 other friends and the generally consensus was to dine and ditch
redflag: obviously i am not going to get on my moral high horse and say "hey guys cmon, thats not cool"
me: why not?
redflag: for one thing i was an bit too innebriated, and secondly they would of done it reguardless and i would of been the jackass to take care of the bill
me: I'd rather pay the whole bill if it meant I'd find out what kind of "friends" I had.
redflag: hey what can i say, when my friends and I are drunk...we get a little crazy

That's right... "My friends and I." They were all drunk. And got in a car to go to Denny's. Awesome.

We argued for a while about ethics, and his basic response was, "I'm not proud of it, but it's funny." You just took money out of someone's pocket, and you could have killed someone driving drunk. Oh yeah...LOL. I was done with that.

He returned late last night with this nugget.

redflag: i think you might find it interesting to know that denny's called the cops and they reviewed survellance tapes and one of my friends cars got ID'd and they called him at 5am and told him if he does not pay the bill they will arrest him, so he went down and payed the bill

Now that? That's funny.

Of course I got lectured for being judgmental, and he defended his behavior as "living on the edge" and told me I should "try it sometime."

redflag: well, yah know...if you feel like this situation is enough to deem me as someone who is unworthy of your time then so be it
redflag: but perhaps it would behoove you to forgo some of you qualms about people and there behavior cause you might find that with a few exceptions there might be a great person behind the bullshit they do

(insert eyeroll here)

You do stupid teenage shit like get wasted and drive, then run out on a bill in your late twenties, and use an archaic, ignorant term for another race. But I'm in the wrong? Of course I am. Because I'm turning you down.

Grown-ups and non-hypocrites: Endangered species.

"Creepy" Is a State of Mind

I suppose a year is a fair amount of time to message someone for the second time. There's always a chance they've forgotten about you in the intervening time. Or perhaps their standards have lowered since that first message.

Unfortunately for this guy, neither has happened to me. I'm not sure my standards will ever be that low. He just sent me a boring IM this time ("hi") and I spazzed out and linked his profile to a friend of mine who pointed out this:

But what is really the icing on the cake is that this fifty-nine year old man who is looking for women aged nineteen to thirty-five has this in his profile:

The most private thing I'm willing to admit
is my fear of dating, even online dating, I've heard their are a lots of sick people out there ... but I'm still willing to put myself out here ... nothing to loose and every-thing to gain ... Like is just to short not to enjoy ... How about you ?

Emphasis in red mine.

My inner monologue as I read that: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA *inhale* HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Friday, June 11, 2010

Simple demands for a simple mind.

Found this winner on CraigsList.

not into sugar coating things and after the last 12 hours i've had i've just come to terms with what i need

i want a girl who loves metal....IS racist....loves to drink regardless time of day....doesnt play games...has a good job and/or knows what she wants to do in life....wants a relationship, or just some fun...and some great sex

White only...NO girls OVER 135lbs...tats & piercings are a plus....age doesnt matter but i love YOUNGER than me...doin outdoors stuff is fun too but not a neccessity to like it on ur part...I dont care what ur religion is (if u have one) but im an athiest so dont push your B.S. on me

IF you fit that description, then we already have a lot in common

I've got a great job that is really beneficial (you'll see why if you ask me) and a great car. I'm above average height and im definately in shape.


I bet he's getting a ton of responses. From women without teeth.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Some people should never talk about themselves.

Bits and pieces from recent browsing.

I'm extremely good at adding and subtracting numbers that are less than 3 digits. If you give me two numbers or in some case three that fall in that 45+20+10. that's 75. I crank that out all day..... if that's the sorta thing you're into.'re really good at elementary-level arithmetic? Wow. That makes me so hot. If you can read The Cat in the Hat, I'll take my panties off.

I need to work on my sense of humor, or lack thereof.
I am the least arrogant person I know, but I do not know many people.

This guy must be a riot at parties.

I am a bit of a "Technology" Nut. ... I'm a "avid" video game player ... I'm really good at "Puzzle Solving."

Also a "fan" of "unnecessary" quotation "marks."

At some point i plan on going to collage to study archeology and become an archeologist, because i really studying and learning about ancient civilizations.

You might want to start with spelling. Just sayin'.

im interested in metting someone active and interested in relationship possily some one who likes animals and wants too do interesting things anyone who wants too talk can message me hopefully close too me

This atrocious run-on with poor spelling and homophone confusion is bad enough. But the most notable thing? He had pictures of both himself and his pitbull on his profile, and they looked alike. I shit you not.

I am not great at this. It feels too much like updating my resume or writing a performance appraisal. I can just give out some more basics; I'm a good guy, a great listener, very funny, emotional stable, and other things that I am probably forgetting at the moment. If there is something else you want to know about me, just ask.

Zzzz... I'm sorry, that was so generic. I fell asleep.

And my favorite, which was probably just a typo, but still amusing.

Well for starters I would say that I have a very laid back person. your freezer? Locked in a closet? Should I call the police?

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Let us create a superior army of online daters.

This happened last week, but I just remembered I forgot to share.

I got this message on OKCupid, pretty much out of nowhere.

I am just curious as to why someone with a wealth of knowledge and intellect would not want to procreate with someone of high intellectual value as yourself, to spawn a super intellectual child to better this world from it's natural regression our world is seeing in these times.

This is your I mean, other than the fact that, given the way the message was worded, his goal was to...spawn with me. (For the record, his poor sentence structure would rule him out, supposing I were actually predisposed toward procreation.)

I replied quite succinctly.


Saturday, June 5, 2010

I'm Almost Too Bored to Type This

Let's pretend you're a single guy. You decide that you don't really want to be a single guy anymore, but you don't really go to bars and all your friends are married, so it's difficult to find a girl. Somehow, you find out about a dating website called OKCupid, so you decide to make a profile. You sit down and the best you can come up with is this:

Don't be too dismayed when no one messages you.

Friday, June 4, 2010

I Don't Want Clever Conversation, Never Want to Work that Hard

Silly me thinking I could turn on the OKCupid IM client and think that someone worth talking to would IM me. The first guy said, and I quote

Him: sexy lips
Me: i'm sorry?

He didn't say anything more after that, but I checked out his profile, and it says, "My perfect match would be someone who can keep up with me , someone smart, fit, cute, playful and driven... resulting in a very strong power couple :)"

Just the phrase "resulting in a very strong power couple" disturbs me deep within to the cockles of my heart.

The second guy just started off with this onslaught:

Hi, my name is [redacted] and i'm a good guy with a big heart. I am looking for someone who like to held hands, go for walks, out to dinner, see a movie, or spend a night dancing. I am looking for someone who likes affection and wants me to make her feel special.

While I am not opposed to any of those activities, it's a lot of information on one IM, right? But he continued...

Dude: i like you
Dude: i want to meet you and hang out with you and go uot with you
Dude: as a friend and a girlfriend to date me

I really have not the words. This is getting a little too hot and heavy for me too quickly. Next!

Feets: i have got backpain today
Me: that's no good! why?
Feets: been on the chair for long time
Me: ah
Feets: ur feet r free the now ?
Me: my feet?
Feets: yeah
Me: they aren't in shoes, if that's what you mean. lol
Feets: lol
Feets: no
Feets: i nee dur feet to trample my back

What...what? Okay, I am so over this. I don't care that it's not even nine o'clock yet. I am SO going to bed.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

A Brief Conversation

Me: "My name is mike....I read ur bio and I liked it..Seemed really honest.....I just joined match 5 hours ago and trying it see I am fun and funny and nice..... .....I have not posted pics due to a strict workplace deal ..However If u want I can send a few to u .. I look good too !!
Ur job is close to what I do....I am on the phone alot and work in sales....Do u like ur job ??"
Heather: reply with, "ugh, stop. just stop."
Me: i should reply with "that's nothing like my job."
Heather: "it's like my job in that involves a phone. like many jobs."
Me: except for the part where i hardly use my phone. that part may be key.
Heather: but you have one, right? it's so the same.
Heather: at least he's not a prostitute. or maybe that'd be better.
Me: a prostitute might know what he's doing...

I also prefer men who don't abbreviate three letter words, but now I'm just being picky.

It's also a little weird that he called me honest because I'm pretty sure he's messaged me before today, despite having joined match only five hours ago.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Craig's House of Ill Repute.

Apologies for our absence. The oil spill is drastically reducing our haul. (See what I did there? Okay, yes, it was awful. I know.)

I stumbled upon this post on CraigsList Hartford.

I am a married male that is looking for a certain type of 40+ year old woman to be my personal playtoy. The reason that I want a woman over 40 is because you have already learned what life is about and you understand that the key to you being financially secure is to have a man in your life that can take care of you. In general... you need a man that can provide for you.

I was unaware turning 40 caused women to lose their entire self-worth and become subservient gold-diggers. Is that what I have to look forward to?

A playtoy to me is not a wife or girlfriend. She is a woman that takes care of my sexual needs and desires, she is a woman that I will never hit or abuse.

So you'd hit or abuse your wife or girlfriend? Nice.

She is a woman that will be there whenever I call to make sure that MY needs are satisfied. In return she gets the financial help she needs.

She is a prostitute.

1) cannot host. I am not looking to go to hotels.
2) has a roommate or children that live with her.
3) is not able to be available for me 24 / 7. Whether I call you at 2 in the afternoon or 2 in the morning the only thing you should say to me is "should I be dressed or undressed when you get here".

Dude, I'm pretty sure there are services for this. That would probably cost less.

If you are looking to finally not have to worry about your bills being paid, or whether the gas and electric are going to be shut off, and you are ready to use the only thing you have (your body) to make sure that you are financially takin care of then her is what I expect you to do.

Wow. This guy thinks that all a woman has is her body? How about integrity? Pride? Oh, no, wait. She's a woman. She can't have that.

Stuff like this makes me wish I could sincerely become a lesbian.