We're back. Bad CraigsList ads never left.

This is from an ad on CraigsList with the subject line, "Looking for emotional love first and foremost."

"You are going to make a wonderful husband and father one day" This is what a very special friend of mine constantly tells me. But how useful is the information really if the girl who thinks it is also the one that won't let you have that chance?

Okay, that's a little whiny. But I'll give him a chance.

Look, I try my best to be romantic. I am that guy who will leave you flowers not because it's your birthday, not because it's a special day, not even because it's thursday. I will leave you those flowers because I saw them and I KNEW you would like them. I knew they would hold a special meaning for you other than them being just flowers. Romantic things just come to me randomly because I am thinking about you, and I want you to be happy.

Bordering on sappy, and like you're just telling me what you think I want to hear. But about 80% less creepy than most ads on CraigsList, so I'll read on.

Me: White, twenty four years old, five foot seven inches, two hundred pounds, blue eyes, dirty-blood hair. I am about to finish my bachelors degree, and I have a job. I don't like sports or cars so you won't find me ignoring you because the super bowl is on. Please be around my age. Race isn't important to me at all, and looks only matter in the way that there has to be an attraction on both sides for something to happen. However, I have a wide variety of types so don't let your hangups about your body and personality stop you from emailing me.

First of all... "Dirty-blood hair"? Dude, bad typo. And second... Even insinuating someone might have hangups before you've spoken to them is bad form.

And then there's this gem, in an ad seeking "emotional love"...

As a last note, I should mention that for those that just want sex, as long as I am single I would be willing to go with a 1night stand or FWB since it has been a long time since I had sex. You may want to know that I am VERY good at giving a girl orgasms and get pleasure from giving pleasure. I'm not trying to toot my own horn, but to give you an idea how good I can be, I have given a girl who medically was not supposed to be able to have orgasms, 5 huge orgasms in a single try.

Thanks for telling me! I was just about to ask you for references. Now...do you have a medical expert I can call about that miraculous event, as well? Hey, wait a minute... This ad wasn't supposed to be about sex...


And this one's called, "Redneck seeking girlfriend."

Im a 19 yr old redneck with a tricked out truck, have a job, i race quads, im an outdoors guy. I pretty much do anything . Im not looking for sex or you to send me to a website to get verified. Im looking for a cute girl whos skinny and not fat or ugly

I just... I can't. I can't.


And finally... "Total paranoia is just total awareness."

Be my girl. That is all.

I... Well... Is it wrong that I kind of like this? (It probably is.)

As seen on TV.

I did a silly thing and subscribed for another month of Match.com. It was at 25% off. I like a sale.


Anyway. This was the first email I got. Let us bear in mind that my age limit is 38, and this man is 47, first of all.

wow......................I think if you saw me in person you'd say woaw,he's attr. & in good shape though a triathalon is just the kind of fitness level I lack,elyptical,bowflex,etc,I am usually occupied in...my muse would be appealing to me,as I have a 1200 sq. ft. gym in my home,perhaps I can entice you with one day,however,I liked your ad & I think, feel ,demonstrate & represent a much younger and energetic gentlman,generally I enjoy the company af a younger gal,as my stamina & endurance are a drive only the young can appreciate,so love your attitude & look....call me sweetie and lets see how well we relate to one another.Peter two three seven ninety sixty one,so b n touch

My thoughts:

1) This is the absolute worst form message I've ever seen.

2) Wow, way to make this all about you. Your overly-inflated ego is so hot.

3) "Entice" me with your gym? Thanks for calling me fat.

4) Yes, that is his phone number. I don't even care anymore.

5) His profile picture looks like it was taken at Sears Portrait Studio, and he has a pornstache.


Upon viewing his profile, more nuggets of fabulousness.

1) The headline: "ISO sexy moxie cosmo jib.I'm most interested in the person,their experience,their outlook,and the depth of their compassion,integrity." ...pardon?

2) He signed his message with "Peter," but says his name is "Bill" in the profile text.

3) He stresses how much he would like to video chat with women he meets.

4) The words "zestful mensch" are used.

5) I really think I saw a Dateline NBC special on this guy, and he's a con man. Just sayin'.


The real problem here? Deciding what witty remark I shall use in reply.

All he's missing is the rimshot.

This is what's supposed to pass for amusing and interesting conversation, apparently.


haha: Yo
me: hello.
haha: What up?
me: nothing. you?
haha: Driving home
me: oh, that's safe.
haha: Like you've never done it
me: text and drive? at a red light.
haha: Who says I'm not
me: that's a lot of red lights.
haha: Too many
haha: Here's another.
haha: When did 84 get all these?
me: there's one red light on 91. legitimately. there are none on 84.
haha: Guess I'm hallucinating.
haha: What's that turtle doing here?
haha: Honestly, I'm stuck in a jam
me: oh. I see.
haha: Some accident.
haha: Exit 40. Look it up.
me: nah.

Are you riveted yet?


haha: I just wanna go pass out
me: me too.
haha: At work?
me: nope.
haha: So why not?
me: I dunno, there's some dude trying to talk to me.
haha: Shall I let you go?
me: either that or start getting interesting.
haha: Hey. That's hardly fair. I'm stuck in traffic.
me: and that's not interesting.
haha: No need to be a snob about it.
me: I'm...not?
haha: You are actually.
me: well everyone's entitled to an opinion.
haha: And I think you're acting like a snob for my limited conversation due to my current location not meeting your standards. If I'm not "interesting" enough, I don't see you dropping any Mark Twain shit into this discussion.

Hold up a second there, Shecky. Didn't you IM me? Why do I need to be Mark Twain? I was content, y'know...not talking to anyone.


me: if you had nothing to say, why did you send me an IM?
me: burden of maintenance is on you. you started the conversation.
haha: Says the 21st century woman.
haha:Unreal.

Um...huh?


me: nice job trying to twist it into something it's not.
me: you wanted to talk to me. you're not really talking.
haha: I've said a lot more than you. In fact, this imaginary turtle has said more than you.
me: "I'm in a traffic jam." oh yeah, so many places to go from there.
haha: You could've said anything. I was trying to be humorous. If you're that numb to comic relief, no wonder you're single.

Can't possibly be that it wasn't funny because you're trying too hard. Nope.


me: I just didn't find it funny.
haha: And what sort of wit amuses you, Grumpy McWetblanket?
me: the kind that isn't forced.
haha: It wasn't. I naturally am like this.
me: then apparently I don't find you funny.
me: life will go on.
haha: But not this conversation. Good luck finding some dude dumb enough to look past that telephone pole cemented in your anus.
me: way to be a dick just because I'm not falling all over you. I'll be just fine, thanks.

I love how they always pretend they're the one that wanted to end the conversation.

The irony in all this is that this guy bills himself as a stand-up comedian. I can say for certain I will not be buying tickets to his shows.

I have a red pickup truck, LOL.

I got a message from this dude on PlentyofFish.

First of all... His profile was structured like a resume, with headings. The "intro," the "meat and potatoes," the "intent," and the "conclusion."


I'm faithful and full of energy. I can be monogamus with pride. I actually like sex, yup I just said that. II don't think theres anything wrong with telling you that sex is a GOOD thing.Yes, I like to pull on your hair during sex, who wouldn't. LOL! Why can't I have it with someone I care about? Lots of passionate kisses to go with it maybe even for hours, whos keeping track of the time anyways? (I wrote this so you can't say that I'm "misrepresenting" myself. LOL!)

Um, LOL, I wouldn't like it if you pulled my hair. Ugh. And what does that last sentence even mean?


My Harley was built by me from the ground up and would like a passenger once in a while. Yes, I have a red pick up truck too! LOL!

...oh. I am...not impressed. And sick of your LOL.


My "intent";
I'm looking for a woman that "Says what she means and means what she says with out being mean". A bonus would be that she takes pride in her appearance and actually has time for me.
I work for the state and am drug/STD free. (rather proud of that)

"Why does this need to be in quotes?" I swear, I'm getting to the point that nothing annoys me more than incorrect usage of quotation marks.


I know you women like to shop and are always trying to find the best deal. The women who actually check the item (me) out and see if it will fit and look good on them are welcome in the store. The women who are consumed with window shopping forever will never know what they just missed.(good luck in you search)

"You women"? Good job stereotyping. And that's a pretty tired metaphor you have there.


PoF = fail.

Pedantic Ama Is Pedantic

Maybe it's just the English major in me that twitches when people don't actually respond to the question they're asked, but at least it keeps me from settling, right?

Take my new friend here: he popped up in my local matches, and the first thing I saw was this:

My Self-Summary
i need a woman who still understands what it means to be a woman. treat me like a man and I will honor you like the woman you are.

Forgive me for being pedantic, but that isn't really a summary of him, is it? Well, I guess the second sentence is, sorta, but the first sentence...it's pushing the limit in my opinion.

Even beyond that, what the hell does it even mean, exactly? "Understands what it means to be a woman"? Right now, I think that "meaning to be a woman" is having this pain radiating out of my lower back down my left leg whilst I enjoy other...uncomfortable things...that will last probably three more days.

Though I doubt that he'd want me to tell him about those particular trials and tribulations.

Or is he one of those guys who will tell his daughter that she can be anything she wants to be, but wants his wife pregnant and peeling grapes all the time? I can only assume that "treating him like a man" involves the aforementioned peeled grapes and copious amounts of fellatio.

I think we need some clarification.

Edit, 5/6/2010: One of my friends just informed me that she got this fine fellow in her QuickMatch. Dude gets around, doesn't he!

He works hard for the money.

Prior to this, the conversation was normal. We exchanged pleasantries, and he said he liked the picture of my cat. Then he awkwardly switches gears.


richfireman: iam firefighter Emt
me: I am...not.
richfireman: what do you do for work
me: retail.
richfireman: cool

Let's note that I haven't changed his chosen name that much; "fireman" is in it. So there wasn't a whole lot of doubt as to what he does for a living. Nor should there have been doubt about my occupation, since I mention it very clearly in my profile.


richfireman: i see you like to play pool
me: eh, yeah, I don't do it often.
richfireman: would like to play sometime
me: well I'm sure I'll play again eventually.

Would [I] like to play sometime? As someone who enjoys pool... Yes, yes I would. This is a silly question. At least I'm assuming it's a question, as it lacks the proper punctuation.


richfireman: i would like to ask you out on a date sometime if thats ok with you
me: it's fine if you ask me. but I'm going to say no.
richfireman: whys that
me: well I don't know enough about you to determine whether I want to consider that.
richfireman: thats ok
me: it's okay that I might not want to consider it? yes, it is.

Yeah, dude. Like I really needed your validation to say no. So I guess the next part was an attempt to share more about himself.


richfireman: so i work a lot
richfireman: my pay for this week is about 200 dollars

I...just... LOL. Is that supposed to impress me? I work a part-time retail job and make more than that. And lemme tell ya, it isn't even close to being enough. I don't really care how much money he makes, but I would like to know in which happy universe he lives where this is a lot of money. And if there are vacancies. But instead I told him I didn't really need to know that information, and...he had nothing else to say.


As I said on Twitter... I continue to be baffled by just how awkward people are online. Not good at face-to-face interaction? Great, neither am I. But why do 75% of these people seem like they just escaped from a cave and haven't spoken to a human being in years?

Channeling Flatulence for Fun and Profit

He does WHAT to art?

His profile also says that he's really good at "writing absurdist literature," which I am disinclined to believe given the off the scale reading I got on my Tryingtoohardometer.

I AM AN AVERAGE GUY

I was laying in bed, snuggling with my kitten, and listening to my roommate rant about something or another when I got an IM from someone on OKCupid. I asked my roommate to lean over and see who it was. He told me it was someone with the handle…

No, wait, I’m not going to out the poor guy. Suffice it to say that it was something to the effect of IRMEDD420. To quote my roommate, “Yeah, putting 420 in your screen name just shouts out that you might have a problem.”

I responded with “I’m tempted to talk to him just for some fodder for my blog,” but ultimately decided that kitten snuggling was more important.

After I finally got up, I did go look at his profile, just to make sure I wasn’t passing up a once-in-a-lifetime chance. Here are my favourite parts.

My Self-Summary
I AM A VERY EASY GOING GUY. I'D LOVE THE OPPURTUNITY TO MEET A NURTURING EDUCATED WOMAN. I'M YOUR AVERAGE GUY, WITH SHORT BROWN HAIR, AND LIGHT GREEN EYES

What I’m doing with my life
TAKING SOME TIME OFF FROM SCHOOL WHILE I TRY TO DECIDE WHAT I WANT TO STUDY

Neither of those would cause me pause by themselves, but juxtaposed like that in a single profile…especially one with “420” in the handle…well…I’m looking in my crystal ball and I’m seeing something that starts with an M and ends with OOCHER.

I’m really good at
LEARNING, ADAPTING, EMPATHY, COMPASSION, I LIKE TO THINK I'M DECENT AT THEM ALL

He is also characterized by judicious use of the CAPSLOCK key.

The six things I could never do without
BESIDES OBVIOUS THINGS LIKE AIR AND WATER? MY SANITY, MY FAMILY, MUSIC, TV, LOVE

That would be five things besides the obvious. I’m going to go ahead and fill in WEED as the sixth, just to round it out.

The most private thing I’m willing to admit here
I CAN BE A VERY SEXUALLY DOMINANT MAN

Is it any surprise to you that he lists himself as being 5’5? No? Didn’t surprise me, either.

You should message me if
YOU DONT MIND THE FACT THAT I DO NOT HAVE A CAR

Not “if you like what you see” or “if you enjoy SCUBA diving” or “if you’re bored,” but if I mind that he doesn’t have a car? Also, my moochalarm suddenly went into overdrive.

The Application

I wish I could make this kind of thing up because then…then I could look myself in the eye every morning and say, “Yes, the world is a beautiful place, but I will add some smattering of the bizarre into it and everyone will marvel at my total lack of connection with reality.”

Tagline: I pretty much have the coolest birthday. Ever.

That is actually interesting and made me think “Oooh, that’s a pretty cool approach. I wonder what ‘the coolest birthday ever’ IS.” So then I went all clicky-click on his handle and found this as his profile:

GIRLFRIEND APPLICATION

Copy and paste this into an email, fill it out, and send it back if you'd like to know more about me. Feel free to include references.

First Name:

Age:

Height:

Hometown:

Current town:

Did you go to college? If so where?:

What do you do for a living? Do you like it?

Describe your idea of a perfect day.

There's an unseasonalby warm Saturday in November, say 80 degrees. We had no set plans all day other than to hang out with one another. What would you like to do?

Write a few words below telling me why you think you would make a good girlfriend.

Buh-wah? Girlfriend…application…? Girlfriend application. An application to be his girlfriend? A. Girlfriend. Application.

I could chalk it up to a joke if he had then gone on and described himself. Or perhaps described himself first, but no. That's it. That's his entire profile.

I have not the words.

Look! Look how special I am!

This is a short one, but I had to share. Because it amused me.

This guy was matched with me...


I am a very unique person.

We all think we're unique. Prove it, slick.


I do not smoke or drink.

Neither do I. That's not unique. Work harder.


I do not own a single pair of jeans.

That's just weird. What do you wear? Dress pants? That's pretentious. Sweat pants? Lazy. Wind pants? Are we back in 1993? This statement is only acceptable if you wear a kilt at all times.


I dont chew gum.

My mother doesn't, either. Sticks to her dental work. And by the way...what a useless fact. Is this supposed to turn me on?


I have never had a sip of coffee, but I have all the energy in the world.

Are you trying to say you do speed? You didn't say anything about drugs...


I try to look for the best in everything and I think very differently from everyone else that I have met.

Yes, because looking at the bright side is so unlike everyone else in the world. There are only, oh, a couple billion other people who think like that. That's all.


This is the epitome of someone who tries too hard to be different, and wants everyone to know it. Thumbs down.

Me and Mr. Perfect. Again.

So this is the continuation of the saga involving the fantastic fellow I mentioned in my last entry, Mr. Perfect. The following conversation took place a week after the first one. I had already told him, in no uncertain terms, that I found him to be wholly reprehensible and did not care to speak with him again.

(10:35:07 pm)mrperfect: i want to get some dinner with you
(10:35:20 pm)me: that's a funny joke.
(10:35:30 pm)mrperfect: yup why you moody still?
(10:35:46 pm)me: because you're an ass?
(10:35:55 pm)mrperfect: i do have a good ass
(10:36:27 pm)mrperfect: my date today liked it
(10:36:33 pm)me: good for your date.
(10:36:41 pm)mrperfect: haha wow r u russian
(10:36:52 pm)me: what does that even mean?
(10:36:54 pm)me: im russian you answer like my grnad ma

I speak like your Russian grandmother...how? In English? I'm confused.


This is where it gets downright strange.

(10:38:46 pm)mrperfect: well lets get some coffe at mohgans
(10:38:53 pm)me: let's not.
(10:39:19 pm)mrperfect: yeah i need you
(10:39:35 pm)mrperfect: to try and punch me attack me
(10:39:51 pm)mrperfect: your mean enough for the job
(10:40:38 pm)mrperfect: I need a partner so i can keep practicing my offense
(10:40:57 pm)me: you can keep looking
(10:41:05 pm)mrperfect: nope i want you
(10:41:13 pm)mrperfect: to try and hit me
(10:41:23 pm)mrperfect: kick me
(10:41:23 pm)me: I'm not going to hit you.
(10:41:47 pm)mrperfect: i want to you to try and hit me
(10:41:55 pm)mrperfect: well thats what I like
(10:42:08 pm)me: which is why you need to keep looking
(10:42:55 pm)mrperfect: ill pay you
(10:43:00 pm)mrperfect: to hit me
(10:43:21 pm)mrperfect: best job in an economy like this
(10:43:25 pm)me: no thanks.

I'm sorry...what? I know people have their fetishes, but really? I'm the least violent person I know. I've never hit anyone. Plus this is just fucking weird.


And a total shifting of gears... This is how we know he's perfect.

(10:45:23 pm)mrperfect: how many cars do you have?
(10:45:35 pm)me: uh... just the one, because that's all I need
(10:45:49 pm)mrperfect: what if it brakes down
(10:46:09 pm)mrperfect: or someone punches the windshild out?
(10:46:30 pm)me: I have it covered.
(10:46:40 pm)mrperfect: if you had 5 like me you could just get in the other one
(10:46:58 pm)me: I don't want to do anything like you.
(10:47:15 pm)mrperfect: haha i got it all
(10:47:35 pm)mrperfect: green eyes , %100 healthy perfect
(10:47:46 pm)mrperfect: money in bank
(10:47:55 pm)me: you're not perfect. go ahead and think you are, but you're not.
(10:48:03 pm)mrperfect: yes i am
(10:48:27 pm)me: like I said...keep thinking it.
(10:48:27 pm)mrperfect: model john casablancas
(10:49:02 pm)me: I don't care.

Five cars? In pieces in the mud outside your trailer, right? Look at me. I'm so turned on. Oh, no...wait... That's nausea.


(10:53:18 pm)mrperfect: ohh ok be nice
(10:53:36 pm)me: why should I be nice? you haven't
(10:53:45 pm)mrperfect: yes ia m nice i like you
(10:53:57 pm)me: I still don't like you.
(10:54:20 pm)mrperfect: why dont you like me?
(10:54:40 pm)me: you're a pompous, condescending, self-righteous jackass.
(10:55:29 pm)mrperfect: hum well i think im nice
(10:56:00 pm)me: oh really? why don't you look back on some of the things you said the last time we talked?
(10:56:16 pm)mrperfect: thats cause you were being mean
(10:56:25 pm)mrperfect: i didnt mean nay of them
(10:56:44 pm)me: I wasn't being mean. I was being uninterested, and you were getting defensive.
(10:57:01 pm)me: you were obviously pissed off that I didn't think you were "perfect," and you got insulting.
(10:57:03 pm)mrperfect: naah
(10:57:29 pm)mrperfect: well we should get soem drinks and talk about it
(10:57:39 pm)me: no. no we shouldn't.
(10:57:46 pm)mrperfect: why?
(10:57:53 pm)me: because I don't like you.
(10:57:58 pm)me: I don't know how much more clear I can be.

The point...he does not has it.


And then this random-ass gem...

(10:58:17 pm)mrperfect: clear cb-300 chastity belt
(10:58:34 pm)me: ...what?
(10:59:00 pm)mrperfect: CB-3000 clear chastity belt women love them look on line

I still don't know where the fuck that came from and how it was relevant, but...okay.


And this was how it ended.

(11:00:18 pm)mrperfect: you rock sweety bye
(11:00:35 pm)me: ugh, don't you ever call me that... and don't message me again.
(11:00:54 pm)mrperfect: hum ok lots more on here

It should be noted that he messaged me on three more occasions. THREE. I did not reply.


So kids...what have we learned? You cannot be perfect unless you have multiple vehicles and like getting the shit beat out of you. Ah, now we all have something to which we can aspire!

My Momma Says I'm the Bestest Rock Star EVER!

Seriously, guys, I want to know what universe in which this works:

I just do not understand the mentality of insulting the people one is trying to attract, even in jest, which I assume is what he's trying to do considering he states that, "Women without a sense of humor need not apply!"

But, then again, it could be that I'm just a jealous hater, in which case Mike, whose profile was surprisingly coherent, has something else to say to me:

And here I just thought I was taking offense to being called desperate and lonely rather than hating his jacked, handsome self. Then again, he's also on a dating website (chemistry.com, in point of fact), so what does that say about him?

Meet Matthew

Girls, I’d like to introduce you to Matthew.

Matthew is a thirty-one year old Service Advisor for a small GM dealership. He enjoys camping, cooking, going dancing, dining out, going to the movies, and traveling. He has dark brown hair and brown eyes, but before I go into too much detail, let’s ask Matthew what he’s looking for in a girl…

HAVE TO BE OUT GOING AND ENJOY SPORTS. ALSO HAS TO BE ABLE TO TAKE AND GIVE SARCASM AND JUST BE OUT GOING

AAAH! WHY ARE WE YELLING?! I mean, okay, ahem…so he’d like his lady to be outgoing and enjoy sports as well as have a finely tuned sense of sarcasm and be outgoing. I have a feeling he’d also like her to be outgoing, but that may just be conjecture on my part.

Now that we’ve perused his tagline, let’s look at the rest of his profile, shall we?

I LOVE BEING OUTDOORS AND PLAYING SPORTS. HATE SOAR LOSERS AND NOT A BIG FAN OF PEOPLE WHO ALWAYS HAVE TO BE THE CENTER OF ATTENTION.

What a soar loser may look like.

I AM VERY OUTGOING AND DO NOT LIKE TOO SIT STILL MUCH. PERSONALITY IS THE NUMBER ONE THING I LOOK FOR IN A PERSON.

I’m getting this vibe. This vibe of someone very…outgoing…perhaps?

I AM VERY BIG HEARTED AND LOVE TOO MAKE PEOPLE LAUGH. IF YOU ARE NOT INTO SARCASM THEN YOU WILL NOT BE INTO ME.

Sarcasm: (n) sarcasm, irony, satire, caustic remark (witty language used to convey insults or scorn)

Therefore, if one is big-hearted, chances are one isn’t very sarcastic. One might be quite witty, but sarcastic is something one would not be.

Also, if one doesn’t stop shouting, one will not be into me, if one gets my drift. Just sayin’.

I THINK IT IS GREAT WHEN PEOPLE CAN LAUGH AT THEMSELVES( I LAUGH AT MY SELF ALL THE TIME. ESP WHEN I TRY SINGING)

I would concur. See, ladies? He has a sense of humour, oh, and look…he also loves to cook.

I ENJOY COOKING AND HOPEFULLY YOU WOULD ENJOY DOING THE DISHES IF I COOKED FOR YOU

Why am I suddenly reminded of that scene in The Breakup where Jennifer Aniston’s character says “I want you to WANT to do the dishes!”? And they say guys don’t understand that kind of nuance.

So, what do you say, girls? Want to go on a date with Matthew?

Me and Mr. Perfect.

(Warning: Long.)

This guy is one of my favorites, because he brought the crazy for me not once, but twice. So yes, there will be another installment.

(Irrelevant or excessively lengthy parts have been edited out. His screen name is also not "mrperfect." And I apologize for his atrocious spelling.)

First of all, he shared this informational assault at the beginning of the conversation, completely umprompted.

(1:44:28 am)mrperfect: nice to meet you great pic im just drinking beer and watching tv
(1:45:45 am)mrperfect: yeah you got a great look going on I work in th emedicla field and a union job for 8 yrs
(1:46:46 am)mrperfect: I workout, like mma and drag racing
(1:47:45 am)mrperfect: I eat workout and like to travel
(1:48:07 am)me: uh, cool
(1:48:49 am)mrperfect: thanks I love attention and like when a women is touchy feley
(1:49:14 am)me: okay...
(1:49:21 am)mrperfect: I own a house next tot eh mohegan sun casino

That is...fantastic. But I didn't ask. Soon after...

(2:04:15 am)mrperfect: we should meet for dinner
(2:04:21 am)me: um..
(2:04:26 am)me: not after 10 minutes, sorry
(2:04:49 am)mrperfect: ok we will chat till you fall asleep
(2:05:04 am)me: I wouldn't be so certain about that.
(2:05:24 am)mrperfect: umm I would everyone else gives me their number
(2:07:00 am)mrperfect: want to call one
(2:07:14 am)mrperfect: ill give you a number
(2:07:24 am)me: no.. I don't want to call anyone

What is this, a job interview? I don't give a shit about your references.

(2:16:02 am)mrperfect: I bet i can get more numbers than you
(2:16:27 am)me: I bet I don't even want to be involved in that competition.
(2:16:32 am)mrperfect: leave you with nothing haha
(2:16:50 am)mrperfect: you still be on here in 5 more years
(2:17:15 am)me: it's worth it if I meet someone who doesn't just want to fuck me.
(2:17:36 am)mrperfect: I dopnt want to fuck you
(2:17:47 am)mrperfect: who said I want to fuick you
(2:17:52 am)me: feeling's mutual.
(2:18:02 am)me: just saying... that's over half of the people that talk to me here
(2:19:14 am)me: Im selctive im in shape ex model
(2:19:47 am)me: and you're really modest, too

Please. If you didn't want to fuck me, you wouldn't have asked to meet me right away. You're just upset I turned you down. Evidence...

(2:22:40 am)mrperfect: youll be on here forever
(2:22:59 am)mrperfect: with your awkward thinking
(2:23:08 am)mrperfect: thinking I wan to fuck you
(2:23:23 am)me: um, I never said you.
(2:23:23 am)mrperfect: wehat do you think your the hotest here
(2:23:38 am)me: did I say that?
(2:23:44 am)mrperfect: your soem kind of model uinder 20,000 a year
(2:23:55 am)mrperfect: yeah everyone wants you
(2:24:04 am)me: wow... you're just an immature asshole. way to go.
(2:24:06 am)mrperfect: well ose the attitute your not all that
(2:24:17 am)mrperfect: i ve been arounda ll that
(2:24:20 am)me: didn't say I was.
(2:24:22 am)me: neither are you.
(2:24:26 am)mrperfect: in mdeling school etc
(2:24:51 am)me: who's talking about being a model? oh right, just you.
(2:24:58 am)mrperfect: i was
(2:25:24 am)me: your bragging is not becoming, just so you know. and neither is your shit attitude.

And just in case anyone was wondering...

(2:26:48 am)mrperfect: get ambushed inmens changing rooms today at wal mart and tj maxx
(2:27:02 am)mrperfect: like leaches

Yeah. I'm sure that's true. (It was probably because you stole something.)

Some of the stuff I left out: Him asking me if he should have sex with a married woman; him telling me one of the women he slept with had "huge beasts" (which I assume means "breasts") and I might like her; that he said was clearly wasting his time, but talked for another twenty minutes; and then finally informing me that I should date a Mexican man (I... what?).

Part two gets really good. Stay tuned.