Friday, April 30, 2010

Quality Bachelors.

Welcome to CraigsList, Western Massachusetts!

So here is the deal I am utterly obsessed with the rain forest and I want out of the US. The idea is simple. My family has property in Costa Rica. To become a citizen can be a hassle. Unless, your child is born in the country, then you can apply to stay there pretty readily. If you are currently pregnant and in a bad situation or if you just want out of here for a few years in a tropical paradise or want to start a family, what ever reasoning might work for you. Let me know. Everything there is fairly cheap and simple there. I am not saying living like a gods is going to happen, but comfortable an lets face it if you have to live comfortable where is nicer the rain forest and tropics or where ever you are now.

Oh yeah. That's a perfect plan for the woman. Leave the country and raise a child with a total stranger. Hope she knows someone who can perform a background check...

Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.

If smelling one another is enough, I've been in love with a couple hundred people. Probably more. God, I'm a slut.

Are you ugly, fat, old, nerdy, or even handicapped? Have you lost all hope of ever getting layed?Well I'm here to help. I'm 37,and a little on the chunky side, but what I lack in looks I more than make up for with the tounge action. (not sayin I'm ugly but I'm no Brad Pitt) I will discreetly come to your house or hotel, and make with the nice nice. Just drop me a line and/or a pic and we'll talk.

So this is, essentially, a pity fuck from a guy who would typically be the recipient of a pity fuck. Awfully nice stroke to the ego, isn't it, Not Brad Pitt?

I'm a fairly young Professor (in my 30s) at an Amherst college, who has always had a thing for precocious, intelligent, and (yes) sexy young women. There's something about the combination of the young female mind and the young female body.. I flatter myself to say that I've had several female students who have had an interest in me over the years. I've never pursued such interests due to the obvious seeming impropriety. However, now that Spring is here, the clothes are skimpier, and we're heading towards the last few weeks of the academic year, I find myself compelled to explore this fantasy further…

This? Is creepy. Thankfully I'm not still in college. Otherwise I'd be wearing about 75 layers to class, worried that my professor is perving on me then posting ads for sex on CraigsList.

Lemme start out by sayin craigslist is pretty awesome. Its helped me get a few trucks sold my camaro n got a bunch of other stuff bought and sold from it so thankkks to Clist! This is a bit different for me than posting a truck or car or anything lol i figured id give it a try seeings how i always check clist for new auto's n stuff. Im 21yrs old an thus far its pretty damn sweet at the moment i am landscaping and doing roofs waiting to leave for basic training in oktober. I am by no means a bum or slackker id say i am far beyond driven! Im good looking i cant lie about that I have no problems getting girls im not a creeper or somebody who sits around the house on the computr 24 7, I am always outside doing something, playing in the woods on 4wheelers or the dirtbike going fishin hunting in the winter. Basically and dont mean to sound shallow but you have to be hot!! Gotta have a graet personality and be able to make me laugh and make fun of me. I can entertain like no other ill say that. If ya wan email me if ya send a pic ill give ya one back. Im sure im bound to get some of them robot sex site emails but whatever ill go around them!!!

I...don't think I need to comment on this.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Help, help! I've lost a proton!

I wanted to make a post. One fell into my lap.

This guy asked me for my AIM name right away. And I, uncharacteristically, gave it to him.

mrpositive: you have been on that site for 5 years
me: yep.
mrpositive: damn I just found it
mypositive meet alot of people on there?
me: not really, no.
mrpositive: y not
me: not sure. just don't.
mrpositive: so does that mean u haven't had a bf in over 5 years

Now, let's be clear: One can have a profile on OKCupid and not be single. So this is a marginally silly question.

me: yes.
mrpositive: thats shitty
me: I'm fine with it.
mrpositive: you don't want a bf
me: I don't want to settle, and I haven't met anyone I find worthy of a relationship.
mrpositive: it hasn't been 5 years for sex has it

I despise when men ask me about my sex life ten minutes into a conversation. There are tons of people that I've known for a very long time who don't know the details (for these purposes, we'll disregard the fact that there aren't many details to tell). So sorry, random dude. You're not getting them, either.

me: and what if it has?
mrpositive: that would really suck it's hasn't been close to that for me and I miss it
me: I don't really care about it.
mrpositive: about sex?
me: yeah.
mrpositive: when was the last time
me: does it matter?
mrpositive: no
me: then you don't need to know.

Because we're not having sex. Got it?

mrpositive: alright well you seem pretty negative
me: about what?
mrpositive: everything
me: I...don't get that at all. what did I say that's negative?

Seriously, I'm just being honest. I'm apparently negative because I don't like sex. That's what I'm getting from this. I actually think it's a sign of being fairly upbeat if one can handle living without it. Just sayin'.

mrpositive: now i guess i understand why u havent met anyone


me: don't be a dick. if you're going to say shit like that, back it up.
mrpositive: you have been nothing but negative
mrpositive: bye
me: but I asked you what I said and you wouldn't answer. that means you have no reason to say that. therefore... yeah, bye.

Whatever. I'm negative, you're lazy. Life goes on. But you're also a douche. So there.

(And yeah, I made a totally nerdy joke about negativity in the title. I'm just that awesome.)

Thursday, April 22, 2010


After the normal pleasantries...

Him: cute
Me: ?
Him: cute pics
Me: thank you.
Him: u dont get good comments on ur butt??

Come again say what?

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

The Science of Dating.

Normally I bring you amusement from OKCupid. But today we have a different kind of amusement from PlentyofFish.

Most of the mail I get there amounts to, "Hi, how are you?" Which is a waste of my time and theirs, really. No effort, no reply. There's effort in this one, but I'm not sure if it's the right kind...

I would like to know if you would like to chat sometime? and as far as science? do you know who Nikola Tesla is?

I... Um... What?

I don't mention science in my profile. Why would I? I like it just fine, but it plays no role in my dating life. I even checked to make sure I didn't type "political science," and he just missed the first half,

Honestly...who does this? Did he ask me about Tesla because he plans to electrocute me? Was it a roundabout way to tell me he has a secret love of 80s hair metal bands?

This is almost more strange to me than the sexual crap I get sent. Is that wrong?

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Breaking News: Man Takes Hint.

perceptive: bang out a quickie?
me: wow, that is a new kind of appalling. congratulations.
perceptive: welcome lol
me: I wouldn't be laughing if I were you.
perceptive: why not?
me: well, depends. did you actually want to seriously talk to me?
perceptive: maybe. You seem interesting
me: well you ruined it. sorry.
perceptive: np. have a good one

He...went away when I said I wasn't interested... THE WORLD. IT IS ENDING.

Too Much Honesty, Part V: What the...?

I probably should have figured that if I spent any time at all with my OKCupid IM client on, he would have IMed me again, but it didn't really cross my mind. Thus, he popped up again last night:

Honest: you are rather lovely
Me: thank you.

I was seriously reading this with one eyebrow glued to the ceiling.

Honest: will we ever get to meet?
Me: beats me.
Honest: hahah
Honest: because i'd love to have you :)

I'd like to believe that this is really one of you readers out there screwing around with me, but as he started IMing me before Heather and I conceived the idea for this blog, I'm left with the unfortunate conclusion that he honestly thinks this is going to get me to meet with him.

At any rate, I signed off last night and fell asleep. Today, when I signed on, I didn't realize that the IM client was still running when I got another message:

Honest: hello :)
Me: hallo.
Honest: how are you, my sweet cake?

Quick interjection: "My sweet cake?" I'm not as anti-pet names as Heather is, but don't you have to have had some sort of relationship above hi-how-are-you-wanna-make-out before you get into them?

Me: i suppose i'm alright.
Honest: wanna makeout?
Me: with you? no.
Honest: oh, why not

That little "oh" made me feel like I had just kicked a puppy.

Me: because it is undeniably creepy that every time you IM me, you jump straight to making out/making love/whatever.
Honest: wow
Me: wow?
Honest: well i think you being so closed off is creepy, bye

Who wants to start a betting pool as to when the next time he'll message me is? Anyone?

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Briefs. Not like underwear.

Some excerpts from the past few days.

whaaa: hi
whaaa: lets talking

Well. I know I can talk. You, however... I'm not so sure about.

adjectiveguy: 3 words for me: Creative, Passionate, Dominant
me: um...good?
adjectiveguy: And youre how affectionate, quiet warm submissive
me: no, no, and no.
adjectiveguy: Ok take care then

This man clearly did not read my profile. Actually, he told me so much prior to this, and also tried to convince me writing about oneself is a "creative exercise."'s an autobiography... Well, he's creative. I guess he'd know.

This one's fun. We'd been talking for approximately five minutes before this.

overzealous: may be we could go out sometime
me: you're a little young for me.
overzealous: am 20 is that going to be a problem its not for me
me: it's a little young.
overzealous: so its not gonna work ur saying right
me: well it might not work for a number of reasons, but that's not helping.
overzealous: can u tell me what will so i can do it

Why do men do this? Why do they assume every conversation is going to lead to a relationship? They can't just get to know a woman. It's so frustrating.

me: we don't know each other.
overzealous: we are getting there right
me: not...really.
overzealous: why not
me: you're getting a little ahead of yourself.
overzealous: with what
me: even asking if it would work out. if WHAT would work out? we're just talking.
overzealous: getting to know u, ok am sorry i maybe was alittle over my head

Yes, and getting to know me doesn't "work out" or "not work out." It's a neutral entity. I...don't understand.

overzealous: lets jus take this slow and get to know each other
me: how about we just TALK and not assume we need to take anything slowly?

Oy. Then he asked if he could call me later.

me: I don't give out my number after 10 minutes.
overzealous: ok ur jus giving me a hard time thats good cause nothing thats good comes easy
me: if you're going to say crap like that, it's not going to come at all.

He's tried to IM me four times since. Clearly he got the hint.

And this one's just amusing. I enjoy a good ellipsis. Frequently. And he noticed.

grammarpolice: u like using dots
me: except that's not what they're called.
grammarpolice: ?
me: ellipsis. the correct term is ellipsis.
grammarpolice: well sorry im not "intellectual" enough for u
me: I...don't recall saying that.
grammarpolice: o...k
me: that isn't quite the correct usage, but...uh, cool.

Monday, April 12, 2010

I'll Just Leave This Here...

I do not know if this profile is for real.

But, working on the assumption that I'm not being punk'd, I'm very, very concerned for the human race.

Very concerned.

My hopes are that his profile is being truthful when it says he has no children, and perhaps that he Darwin himself attempting to join the Guinness Book for largest methane flame.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

No offense.

I came back from brushing my teeth and saw this IM.

Im gonna be really honest, you look like you'd give good head. No offense.

I...don't even have commentary for this. Just...why me? Sigh.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Capslock Is the Cruise Control for COOL


I'm not sure what a Tihery Jose is, or what a "self man man" is, but I'm actually more concerned with the last little phrase there. The "I WILL HAVE HER" one. That creeps me the hell out.


I have a few questions.

1. Is an alfa male full of hay?
2. I don't know if whereing the hell out of a silk dress is a good idea, even if it is on "ower vacations."
3. He needs one good women. Er, what?

He also lists his profession as a "master weilder/ engineer" which only makes me wonder what he professionally weilds.

Friday, April 2, 2010

He would like to buy a vowel.

I have no words. And he doesn't seem to have any, either. At least not entire ones.

shorthand: hmm .... whr ar u


me: are you trying to ask me WHERE I am?
shorthand: yup yup

Oh, that clears things up.

me: that information is on my profile, I'm fairly sure.
shorthand: ya bt it doesnt tells d current loctn i mean ur in offce home etcc
me: wow... I'm not answering anything until you start asking it in English.
shorthand: haha its in english dear .. iiam just using shorthand

I have never seen any shorthand that looks like that. Am I missing something?

me: and it makes you look stupid.
shorthand: haha
shorthand: really
me: really.
shorthand: actually its hard to type entire words exactly while chatting
me: that's funny... I manage to do it. I don't find it difficult at all.
shorthand: because you arn't use too of it
shorthand: am :P

That doesn't even make any sense. Of course I'm not used to it. Because I like appearing literate in my interactions with other people.

shorthand: so ... wat you do in general
me: I'm sorry... I'm afraid we're going to hit an enormous language barrier. perhaps we should end it here.
shorthand: lol
shorthand: fine lady its all your wish
me: well that's the first sentence I've understood.

Let me just add here... He was 24. Far too old for this half-assed attempt at communication. Oy.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Like Sting I'm Tantric; Like Snickers Guaranteed to Satisfy

A while ago, I got a message in my OKCupid inbox that merely said “Hi.” No subject. There wasn’t even actually any punctuation in the original. Annoyed, as this was about the fiftieth (okay, I’m exaggerating) message I’ve gotten where the man in question put in zero effort, I shot back a reply:

This may seem like a strange question, but if you took the time to actually pull up the message sending screen and type out a word, wouldn't it have made sense to actually type a message worth responding to rather than just an uninteresting greeting?

Granted, I responded, but the message itself wasn’t really worth responding to. A moment of weakness, I know. I received the following in response:

I thought an uninteresting word might be better than an uninteresting message. I work as an economist, also go on a weekly radio show as a guest expert. am looking for a compatible companion. Am kind and understanding. i guess the best way to get to know each other is through the phone. Here`s my number, [telephone number redacted].

We all probably have figured out by now how I feel about people throwing their telephone numbers at me. Like I do, though, I took a look at his profile which reads something like Bartlett’s Familiar Quotations, How to Win Friends and Influence People, and The Joy of Sex had an ill-advised ménage à trois.

For example, his “Self-Summary” states

“God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.”

Hillary Clinton

Ignoring the fact that I believe that’s a Robin Williams quote (if he didn’t steal it from someone else—though I doubt that if he did, he stole it from Hillary Clinton), isn’t it generally considered bad form to basically say, “Hi, I’m male, and therefore have no self-control, so if I start humping your leg, just remember that it’s because I think you’re cute?”

Under the “What I’m doing with my life” section, the first thing it says is “Flirting” followed by pretty much what he said in his second sentence in the message to me.

His profile goes on to say that he’s “really good at”

Loving, sexual tension. theorizing. tantric. being childlike.

A man asked a woman, "Would you go to bed with me for $100 million?". She said yes. Then he asked, "would you go to bed with me for 50 cents". She shouted,"what sort of a woman do you think i am". He said "we`ve settled that, we`re just haggling about the price now".

There is one word in that entire bolded bit that is remotely interesting, and it’s not in the paragraph where he basically says that every woman’s a whore.

I am somewhat concerned, however, by the fact that the gentleman purports to be an economist, yet under the six things he could never do without he has “An investment in sex pays the best interest. Benjamin Franklin.” While he did manage to cite the correct person this time, I can’t help but wonder if he thinks the quote is six words or that it translates into

1. Sex
2. Sex
3. Sex
4. Sex
5. Sex
6. Sex

Either way, I’m pretty sure he isn’t the brightest bulb in the box if only because the next section reads “I spend a lot of time thinking about if I could have any woman in the world, would looks matter?

The best part about being messaged by this fine example of masculinity is that today I got another message from him. This one just reads “Interested?

I'm so charmed.