Sunday, September 19, 2010

Crazy Is As Crazy Does

You all remember my friend Honest, right?
I chanced upon his profile again, and saw that it had been updated to have this at the beginning of his Self-Summary:

I am not actively using this site anymore.... way too many crazy people with issues, so if you want to talk, send me a message with your # and we can text. Thanks!

While I am sure that there are many crazy people on OKCupid, I don't think that this particular pot should be calling that specific kettle black.

My other concern is the cognitive dissonance that allows him to believe that he will somehow weed out the crazy people by, instead of talking to them via the relative anonymity of the site, asking for them to give him their telephone numbers.

At least I have no illusion of what he will be like when he grows up.

Friday, September 17, 2010

Best Proposition I've Heard All Day, Though...

A 26-year-old from London, England asks...

PossibleMooch: hi, can i ask you something crazy?
Me: sure.
PossibleMooch: could i come stay with you for a while?
Me: i very much doubt it. why?
PossibleMooch: im just trying to get out of london, and find work
PossibleMooch: abroad
PossibleMooch: ok nevermind

I checked out his profile and while not entirely complete, and his only picture shows nothing of what he looks like, he doesn't come off as particularly weird until the part that says, "Also, if you want an EU visa I'm up for marriage - apartment exchanges."

Does that mean if you give him an apartment, he'll marry you?

Me: this may be a silly question, but what prompted you to ask me in particular?
PossibleMooch: well, you seem like you're fairly together, a fairly strong woman
PossibleMooch: maybe not prone to crazniess, but with gererous inclincations
Me: ah. fair enough.

So, ah, yeah...that was odd.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Non Sequitur FTW!

This guy's IMed me several times during the past year, though it stalls out every time after the initial pleasantries.

Him: what r u up to?
Me: not much. reading a book.
Him: what s the name?
Me: anna karenina
Him: u speak arabic

Er, what?

I checked his profile. According to it, he speaks English and French. Perhaps he's thinking of that other Leo Tolstoy--the one who was based in know. He wrote that really awesome book, War and Not a Lot of Peace.

Then again, his follow up to asking if I speak Arabic was to ask if I was single which I think is a little weird considering it's a dating website and my profile says I'm single.

Him: your smile melted me

And on that note, I'm going to take this little pile of red flags and run away screaming into the night.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

A Surefire Way to Impress the Lady

I don't normally hold with making two posts in the same day, but this one literally fell into my lap, so here it is.

Having decided at almost the last minute to go to the movies, I received an IM on OKC. As I was literally getting up to leave my apartment, I closed the browser and went on my merry way.

I saw Mao's Last Dancer--if it's playing near you, go see it; it was great.

When I came home, I decided to check my OKC account as I haven't been getting e-mails when people message me recently. Imagine my delight when I saw that I did, in fact, have a message.

Unfortunately for me, it was just informing me that I'd missed a second IM from the guy I'd closed my browser on:

Well this has been stimulating. I feel like I really know you now. I hate long goodbyes... but i really have to go :'(

Yes, sir. Woo me with your sarcasm.

A Hot, Classy Contradiction

A fellow by the user name of drlove[number redacted] IMed me while I was getting my hair cut, but when I got home, I took a look at his profile.

Without going into a whole feminist rant regarding the chauvinistic problem of being a lady in the street and a freak in the bed...

You should message me if
You are a hot classy chick and freaky at the same time. If you can act like a evil and an angel at the same time.
If you can be wild and moderate at same time. strikes me that a lot of these profiles read much like horoscopes in that they could really apply to anyone, anywhere. Unless you happen to be Ned Flanders, chances are you are "classy" on the outside, but are also concealing some sort of deep, dark secret.

Or perhaps just a moderately deep, leaning towards dark secret.

For example, I'm secretly a man which makes this site that much funnier, doesn't it?

Or am I?

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

I can assume you're not fat.

Oh CraigsList...

This ad starts off just fine.

I am 28 year old SWM, never married no kids. Often told that I’m very attractive and believe so myself. Shorter brown hair, blue eyes, 6’3” 225, athletic build. I’m confident, intelligent, pragmatic, honest, and real. I am as far from your standard regular old guy as you could possibly imagine. I like being different, and unique and definitely am both. I’m very social and outgoing, can get by in just about any situation, and talk to any people. I do not smoke, do not do any drugs, and currently am on hiatus from drinking but will be back at it soon. I do like to party and be crazy, but I am also a very responsible professional. I own my own house and business for example.

I am in to a million different hobbies/activities including but by no means limited to mountain biking, hiking, camping, high pointing, surfing, snowboarding, fishing, shooting, working out, jogging, golf, brewing beer, wine, gardening, cooking, going to the movies, making movies, video games, Real Estate, astronomy, psychology, my hot tub and more (yes this is purposely random and as you can see a comprehensive list just to name a few!). I’m very in to sports and watch baseball and football religiously (Yankees and Patriots!!), along with a few others.

Okay, maybe a little cocky. But he's just selling himself, so whatever. Nothing too reprehensible.

But then...

I’d like to find a woman who enjoys some of my interests to share with me, yet is very independent with her own friends, own interests, and would not need to spend every waking moment with me. Being clingy or dependent is very much a turnoff to me. I need someone who is fun to be around and can hold intellectual stimulating conversations; Standard talk about “how was work today” and “what your brother Billy did this weekend” will not cut it or get us very far! A Potential partner must not smoke, must not have kids or former relationship drama, and should like to drink socially and party hard on occasion. Own car a must, legitimate job or at least self-supporting a must, and own place would be a plus. I’m not looking to support anyone and will not.

Oh. Well. What I read here is, "I attract women that are boring gold-diggers who can't take care of themselves." Darling, you must take a long, hard look at yourself to figure out why that is...

Age is not super important to me but for ease of use let’s say 23 to 35. Finally, call me shallow if you want but this person I’m looking for must be attractive. Height and weight are most important 5-6 to 5-11 being ideal with a fit, lean body (I am a boob man too though). NO FAT WOMEN: since when did it become socially acceptable for so many overweight people to be boisterous about their body?! Pretty face and longer hair (no tom boy cuts) also required. So, yes, for a relationship I’m looking for an 8 or 9 or better to match me.

It all makes sense now. You're stuck with those horrible women because you're a horrible man.

And regarding the part I bolded... REALLY?! Since when did it become socially acceptable to be a demanding, self-righteous, narrow-minded prick? Hmm?

I don’t have much time or desire to go out to the clubs or bars to find women so let’s see how this works out. Send a full body picture with your message just so I can assume you’re not fat. Then let’s talk and meet up, maybe enjoy a dinner together, or just drinks in the hot tub and see where it goes from there!

Should I send him random pictures of fat women from a Google image search? I bet he'd like that.


Saturday, September 4, 2010

Sexy Lips II: Groundhog Day

Today, rather than sit at home, surfing the Internet for hours on end, I decided to venture out into the real world. I had a package to mail, so I went to the post office, and while I was there bought stamps, then eventually made my way to Borders with the intention of writing out the postcards to various people around the world, but ended up talking to my friend Mike and surfing the Internet.

Of course, along with Facebook and gmail, OKCupid had its own tab on my browser window. I was halfway through writing a postcard when I noticed the tab was flashing.

Oh my God.

He did try and spice it up a bit this time, though. This IM said, "sexy lips/". That little forward slash makes all the difference.

His profile's changed a little bit since that first time, too. Now the highlight is in the "You should message me if" section:

your not a loser.
you dont lie.... sad to say 70% of the girls on here lie so much its too funny they must just want attention anyway they can get it.
no druggies too

I love it when people automatically assume I'm a liar! Woo hoo! :P

Friday, September 3, 2010

Same as it ever was.

Highlights from recent weeks.

First we have the following thrilling introductions.

1) How are things?

2) Hello Heather :) My name is Manny

3) How's your day going so far?

These are people I've never spoken to, and that was the full text of each message. Awesome.

And this one...

send me a wink

You just sent me a tell send you a wink? I... What?

This is from the same guy.

u dont smile in any of yor photoz? bad grammr got u down?

I'd love to give him the benefit of the doubt and say he was trying to be funny, but the content of his profile leads me to believe that is not the case.

And this one's my favorite.

You're really cute, mind if I fap to your photos?

It was nice of him to ask, I must say.