A Beginner's Primer on Pickup Lines: Lesson I, Using the Same Line on Different Women for Fun and Profit

So, the first message I got wasn't really that interesting. Mr. I'm Totes Creative wrote,

Thought you'd enjoy a unique sunrise.

As far as first attempts go, that's not so bad. Not really worth posting about. It's a picture I've seen a myriad of times, so it's not particularly creative, but eh...were I still single, I probably would have responded back to him.

Then I got a follow-up five days later. No picture this time, just the text, "If I offered to buy you something important, like a gumball, would you refuse?"

Which is weird in a cute way and still not necessarily post-worthy except that when I logged into Facebook this morning, I see this as one of my friend's statuses:

[Random OKCupid dude]: If I offered to buy you something important, like a gumball, would you refuse?

Me: What's important about a gumball?

[Random OKCupid dude]: It is a sphere, similar to the earth. As a symbol of all that is beautiful, its importance should be respected in a similar manner as a tic-tac.

Bahahahaha.

I, of course, logged into OKC and verified that it was actually the same guy which, OF COURSE, it is (she had a picture of him posted in the comments to the FB status). I accidentally clicked on the guy's profile which has garnered yet another message from him:

Find me an aardvark and I might respond.

DUDE. You have responded to me THREE TIMES without me responding to you. Anyone want to give me a suggestion of how I should respond to this request for an aardvark?

Deeply, Deeply in My Soul

So...there's this theory that once a person acquires a significant other, they become significantly more attractive to the opposite sex. Whether it's an unconscious increase in confidence or pheromones or whatever, it apparently carries over to the Internet because since I got a boyfriend back in May, I've gotten absolutely no idiots sending messages to my inbox...or at least none worth posting.

Which is both depressing and impressive.

Until, of course, I got a message from this guy who I'll admit was probably just trying to amuse me, it still came off as a touch on the creepy side.

You used the word tenterhooks in a dating site.

THAT. IS. AWESOME.

I thought you should know how I felt about that. It feel it very deeply in my soul.

I really hope it was just his soul he felt it deeply in and not...er...anywhere else.

Plato Was Sexy, However...

Okay, so this isn't really a Rotten Fish, but it's from a Craigslist ad, it made me giggle, and we haven't updated in a while, so I'm sharing it with you.

I found this under the "strictly platonic" section of the Atlanta Craigslist:

Lets Stay Warm Tonite! Sexy Black Fem Seeking Sexy Black Fem! - w4w - 27 (EastSide)
Sexy and Single Black Fem is looking for her cuddle buddy!... Its getting cold outside, but we can stay in and make some good heat! I want to make this a 1 on 1.... No BBW please.
I want to hear from you tonite! Im in the Lithonia/Stn Mtn area! Put WARM PUSSY in the subject line. SO I know that you are real. Talk to you soon!~

For the reason why this is hilarious, please see this Wikipedia entry. I'll be here at home, snuggling my cat.

Selling Yourself: How Not to Do It

I got a message from OKCupid that someone had messaged me, so I signed in to see if it was anything worth posting. It wasn't, really, but there was another message that hadn't triggered my e-mail alert because the person didn't pass my filters.

Probably because he lives in Tucson, AZ which OKCupid tells me is 2,064 miles from my current location. That's about all I know about the guy because his profile is completely empty...no, wait, scratch that. I know he never does drugs. See? Now we're best buddies.

His message to me was this:

Your profile sounds so normal.. except for killing aloe. There really isnt a reason for me to message you, especially since I use the word isnt, but I was looking around for people that play warcraft and you sound like someone I would get along with.. some of the time anyway... maybe on Friday.

I read it once. I read it twice. I read it three times before it hit me what bugged me about it: He's said that there's no reason for him to message me, so why would I bother messaging him back? I thought the point of these sites was to sell yourself so that the opposite (or same, actually) sex was interested in you, not to point out immediately that eh, it wouldn't work out anyway.

Besides, I maintain that my ability to kill aloe plants really isn't the least normal thing about me.

The Request.

OMG HI!

I've been disenchanted with online dating lately, hence the lack of posting. But here's a story for everyone.

I got an email saying someone had added me to their favorites on OkCupid. I was in the middle of something, so I didn't check his profile right away. Then I got a message directly from him, so I figured I'd read it. On my way to doing so, I got a friend request on Facebook from some random guy. Understandably, I was a little confused.

So I go to read the message...

Hello. :) Judging from what I see on your profile, I'm very interested. [where I live] isn't too far I guess. If this ok cupid thing seems too lame we could connect on facebook as I'm on there everyday.(just send me the link to your page or whatever) So what do you think? You can check out my profile and if you have any questions, I'd be happy to answer them for you. (I just made my profile today as it turns out, so my apologies if its not complete)

Yeah, this was the dude that just sent me the friend request. Now... I used to link to my Facebook in my OkCupid profile. I don't anymore. I do share my first name, and obviously my location. I'm not especially hard to find if you want to go looking for me on Facebook, and most of my information is private anyway. But the act of asking me if I want to connect on Facebook, and then going to add me BEFORE I've answered the question... That's a little too eager for me. Not quite creepy. Just overzealous. So I replied:

Look... You seem like a nice guy. But I don't really appreciate you searching for me on Facebook like that without giving me a chance to even say if I was interested. That's pretty invasive. So I don't think so. But good luck with everything.

He really didn't seem like a bad guy, honestly. I just didn't like him jumping the gun. That's all. But of course he had to get defensive...

lol. My apologies. It's just that your name was here, combined with being from [where I'm from] and a recognition of your face from your profile here. Sorry if that came out creepy but, I thought I'd just send a request. I'm not going to stalk you or become obsessed with you because of that. No need to overreact. lol
That's fine if you're not interested, but you don't get to control how people respond to you here or who they choose to send requests to on facebook.

I don't think I overreacted. Overreacting is "OMG YOU CREEP I'M CALLING THE POLICE!!!" Nor did I say it was a necessarily wrong thing to do. Just not something that I was fond of. And if he had just replied with, "Okay, I can understand that, let's forget about it"... Different conversation. I said...

I wasn't trying to control anything. You have every right to do it, and I have every right not to like it and to say so. That's all.

But that's not all!

Well, its just that you seemed to react a little too strongly to something that was pretty damn innocent. That's all I'm saying. So if that's all it takes to ruin this, then wow, that's amazingly shallow but whatever, if that's what you want, I'm not going to argue with you all night over it.

First of all: How are we defining "strongly"? I was incredibly calm. Second, what is "this" that we're ruining? The nonexistent relationship we have because we literally just "met"? But how does that make me "shallow"? And where is the "argument"? SO MANY QUESTIONS.

I have no plans to argue anything. It bothered me, I said it bothered me, I told you good luck, and that was that.

And, mercifully, that was, indeed, that.

Am I wrong here? Am I a little too harsh? Am I just looking for reasons not to like people? Am I or am I not the walrus, goo goo g'joob?

Er, What?

Two bizarre though not completely rotten occurrences:

Bizarre the First
Got a message from a guy that was pretty well thought out and interesting. He expressed interest in my hobbies and mentioned some that he shared without coming off as creepy or harassing. He's looking for a nerdy, best-friend kind of girl he can play an MMO with.

Only problem is that he's in Redmond, WA which is...well...a fair distance from Philadelphia, PA...which he acknowledges, then goes on to say that he just moved there last August, so he doesn't have a lot of friends out there yet. You would think that instead of courting someone with "it's only a plane ride away," he'd look for someone closer. Like Seattle. Where I'm guessing there are a few nerdy women hanging around.

Bizarre the Second
This message started"Long time, no chat. What's been up with you, lately?" but I didn't recognize the name. In fact, I thought it was the guy from the previous message following up after I hadn't responded.

I vaguely remember talking to this guy, but not really. OKC tells me that the first time I messaged him was September 2010.

So, yeah...less rotten and more leaving me with an unsettled sense of "bwuh?"

An Unusual Fetish, Take Two (and Call Me in the Morning)

I'm in England. I should be sleeping having spent most of my day walking around Stratford-upon-Avon, not checking my OKC account, but sometimes I just can't help myself. I don't even know what possessed me to even type in the address in my browser.

Imagine my surprise (or complete lack thereof) to find a message from this guy and his desire to discuss his fetish only this time, he's a little more quick to the point:

Hey there! How are you? Do you have a BP cuff? Would you like to talk on Yahoo/Skype?

Because, as a friend of mine said, "Yeah, I totally have a blood pressure cuff. Who doesn't?" I could hear the sarcasm across the Atlantic Ocean.

But what really gets me is that the guy is from North Carolina. I'm (usually) in Pennsylvania. We're not particularly well matched on OKC's rating system. How the heck did he find me twice?

BDSMwhat?

I logged onto OKCupid for the first time in forever this evening and saw that I had a message. Usually, messages get sent to my e-mail, too, so I was a little confused until I saw that it was just someone saving my profile as a favorite. Curious, I went to his profile to see what I could see.

The second paragraph of his "My self-summary" section threw me off for a second because it was a little odd:

***Other sections below elaborate on intent and talk a little about me. Please read the last half to get to know me a bit better..

A couple of paragraphs later, it continues with

Again. Please read the entire profile. This is a great forum to get it all out there so to speak. You can't say the things I am saying here when you first meet a girl. That said... read the end to get to know me a bit better outside of the 'top' of this profile.

O...kay. Yes, I'm going to read the whole profile, but why are you so insistent, dude?

When we go into the bedroom to fuck this is what you should expect:

OH! Well, that was...er...unexpected, but please, tell me what I should expect when we...go into the bedroom to fuck.

All discipline will be enforced in the bedroom... outside the bedroom I am very laid back... but would love to explore a D/s relationship.. ;) I enjoy rough kinky sex. I am very controlling in bed and am looking for a total service whore in bed. Outside of bed... good times always.

He would love to "explore" a D/s relationship? Much of the profile goes on with exactly how the woman should expect to be spanked, do as she's told, and perform as a "total whore." This goes on for...well...if I printed it out, I'd say it'd take up a good two pages.

You should expect to be fucked up your ass if you can accommodate me. If you can not your ass will be teased and fingered a bit. It will be nice if we get along and get close/tested to come in your ass every now and then. You will also be expected to take cum on your face and lips.

Nothing but class this one.

But, really, I don't see anything morally or ethically or even sexually wrong with BDSM; it's more that his profile switches from the above to stuff like this...

I am very skilled in mathematics and computer sciences.

...then back to this...

*You should be very submissive in the bedroom. You should be clean and intelligent.

...without so much as a how's your father.

And then after his several paragraph description of how, exactly, she's going to take it, he hardly bothers to fill out any of the other fields. For example, his "I'm really good at" section?

I'm kinda complicated with all the things I do to make a living. All totally legal :) ... I may spread myself a bit thin... but I make good cash. Word.

Word indeed, sir. I think, however, that I shall pass.

Things to Not Call Your Partner, Part Eleventy Billion

I am a big fan of nicknames. I give them out like candy. I once called an ex "my sweet petunia" so much his sister started calling him it. My coworkers know I'm referring to my dad when I say I need to call "My Joe." Through sheer force of will, I even got a friend to let me (AND ONLY ME) call him PJ even though he hates it.

I've been called a lot of things, too (don't laugh). I don't flinch when I'm called sweetie, cutie, darling, sexy, etc, etc etc. I still think the best one was when my (now ex-)fiancé accidentally called my best friend "sugar tits" because she answered my phone.

However, there are some nicknames that are not endearing. For example, I got the following message in my inbox over the weekend:

Cutie :)
Whats good knuckle head...i read your page...I guess your not boring! Why dont you check me out,after wards say HI or something...you'll be glad you did....HEY! and if your good...ill tell you my name

"Knuckle head?" Really? That's his line? A+ for creativity, but minus several thousand points for insulting someone he's trying to attract.

Minus several thousand more points for offering me a "reward" for "being good." Things I am not include, but are not limited to, a small child, a puppy, a verybadkittengetoffmylapwhileI'mtryingtotypecatasdfjkl;

Ahem.

And, finally, minus ten points from Hufflepuff for my not boring. He should probably stop before he accidentally the whole thing.

Deja view.

Back in July, I encountered this guy. Form message, pornstache, way too old, possibly a con artist.

He's now on OkCupid, and he found me again.

First he sends me this:

ode to evaluate,how's AA kenya gourmet coffee....you & me at my custom home,down a ways on parker st.,assuredly you'd have nothing to fear,I'm an esteemed buisness man,and,homeowner.b n touch for phone # and dir.Peter.

"Ode to evaluate"? Huh? His dislike of the space bar is frustrating me.

In situations like these, I wonder if it might be slightly amusing to get an address, then send a large man over in my place. Or a coyote. Because I can do that.

Then, five minutes later, I receive the following familiar message:

I think if you saw me in person you'd say woaw,he's attr. & in good shape though a triathalon is just the kind of fitness level I lack,elyptical,bowflex,etc,I am usually occupied in...my muse would be appealing to me,as I have a 1200 sq. ft. gym in my home,perhaps I can entice you with one day,however,I liked your ad & I think, feel ,demonstrate & represent a much younger and energetic gentlman,generally I enjoy the company af a younger gal,as my stamina & endurance are a drive only the young can appreciate,so love your attitude & look....call me sweetie and lets see how well we relate to one another.Peter two three seven ninety sixty one,so b n touch
Where,Personality,Charisma & Emotion,shine through...I certainly,speak forwardly,open & honest,I am an outgoing gentlman with Style,Class,and consider myself a kindred soul.I am open to new idea's,and enjoy exploring local destinations of interest...........creativly caring for my home inside and out,operating my buisness's and living healthfully,takes up lots of time my two daughters are a great part of my life though now both high schoolers,they are far from an oppressive tie and are usually off on their own....so I'm searching for that special gal,with........yes,a heart of gold,to share my time with.relaxing fully and fully being active,it seems we could enhance each others life,as I am ready to settle down with the right gal,bye for now

It's a little longer than the last time, but just as poorly written and, frankly, kinda creepy.

I want to know if any women responded to this. Honestly. But judging by the fact that I've seen this message twice on two different dating websites...I'm guessing that's a no.

A Little Weirdness for Your Saturday Night

I am not entirely sure why this guy decided that he'd IM me again after I hadn't responded the first time, but luckily for all of us, he caught me when I was sitting at my computer. Here are some choice snippets from our conversation.

Mistaken Identity
HolyMexicoBatman: do you speak spanish as well?
Me: nope
HolyMexicoBatman: don`t mind if i became in your spanish tutor..
HolyMexicoBatman: hey it will be a great aventure to have one beautiful spanish girl as an estudent

Nowhere in my profile does it say I'm Spanish; not even a tiny bit. If people do try to guess my ethnicity, it's usually Irish because I have blue eyes. They don't even guess Italian and that's what I am.

Leaps of Cognizance
HolyMexicoBatman: are you seeing someone at this point?
Me: not at the moment
HolyMexicoBatman: mmmmm are you ready to letting a mexican to treat you like a princess
Me: i'm not sure.
HolyMexicoBatman: hey... remember spring and a lot of rain is coming..
HolyMexicoBatman: won`t you be gladd to have a big sombrero as an umbrella

Were I not single, would I be on a dating website? If a tree falls in the woods, but no one was around, would it make a sound?

Cyrano? Please Let It Be Cyrano
HolyMexicoBatman: ...wish i could find some one like you
HolyMexicoBatman: so on a good beautiful nite with a brightfull moon serenate you
HolyMexicoBatman: and of course to admire the splendid beauty of yours?

My outer beauty is only eclipsed by my inner beauty...and my penchant for posting the ridiculous things men say on my website.

Non Sequitur FTW!
HolyMexicoBatman: what was for breakfast today?
Me: yogurt
HolyMexicoBatman: mmmmm yummy..
HolyMexicoBatman: then you`ll must be a sweet lady
HolyMexicoBatman: possibly
HolyMexicoBatman: love to experience that while having my senses together

WHAT?! I am so confused. Maybe he'll start making sense at some point...

No, Wait; Still Confused
HolyMexicoBatman: when will be my lucky day when a girl like you go out with me on a date..
HolyMexicoBatman: lots of ice cream in the middle of the green meadow..
HolyMexicoBatman: just a though!!

I guess not...though now I'm having visions of hillocks made of mint ice cream. Or green mochi. Mmm...green tea mochi...

Literacy: A Lost Art.

I'm off from work today and managed to get all my errands done before noon (trust me, no one's more surprised about that than I am). So I'm just hanging around, watching a little Maury, waiting for the throngs of eligible men to send me messages.

But instead...I get this.

ykantireed: nice hair color
me: uh... thanks?
ykantireed: u welcome

Seriously, that's your opening line? Okay.

me: is...that all you have to say?
ykantireed: not really u cute too
me: okay then.
ykantireed: what do u do for fun?
me: did you read my profile or just look at the pictures?
ykantireed: no i did nor read your profile
ykantireed: nice lips

There are few things that annoy me more than a conversation based solely upon superficial observations. Superficial observations about anything. Small talk about the weather; statements such as "I like pie"; or a man's pathetic attempts to compliment my appearance, thinking that earns them points in my arbitrary scoring system. This is even more bothersome in the context of online dating, when I've typed multiple paragraphs of candid information about myself, so that a potential mate may learn something about me before initiating a conversation. This does not happen.

me: nice to know I put the effort into writing that just so it can be ignored.
ykantireed: i see u write a lot ab out your self
me: yeah, so I can avoid being asked stupid questions. it obviously doesn't accomplish that.
ykantireed: that's true

You're agreeing with me...as I'm clearly talking about you. Oblivious much?

me: yeah, anyway... was that it?
ykantireed: u have a cute cat

Now, I love my cat. But come on.

me: great, more stuff about the pictures.
ykantireed: so what do u up too
me: being annoyed by the people who send me IMs.
ykantireed: oh sorry about that i'm disturbe u?
me: wouldn't be so bad if anyone had actually bothered to learn something about me before they started a conversation.
ykantireed: u right about that

Again...you're agreeing. Okay.

ykantireed: can ask what is your name?
me: ...seriously?
ykantireed: yes
me: it's the FIRST LINE of my profile.
me: you can't even read the first line?

My name is literally the second word in the text of my profile. If you can't get that far, we're not a good fit. In fact, I'd prefer to sequester you on an island with others of your kind, and perhaps force sterilization upon you.

I'm five for five this afternoon on "men who don't give two shits who I am and only care what I look like." Why is it I bother again?

I Long for Thee, My Pendulous Parakeet

My desktop is technically my gaming machine, so I generally have my headphones plugged in so that when I'm chatting on Ventrilo with my other WoW delinquents, I'm not bothering the neighbors on the other side of my wall. The upshot of this is that when I'm not gaming, I tend to not have my headphones on and thus I don't always hear when someone IMs me.

Luckily for me, my lack of a response didn't particularly bother this gentleman:

(7:23:13 pm): im impressed by your beauty
(7:23:23 pm): so natural.. how about your heart!!
(7:23:38 pm): hope you have a very humble heart
(7:25:01 pm): i want to conquer that heart of yours sexy butterfly
(7:25:34 pm): just wondering do you speak another language
(7:25:36 pm): ?
(7:26:54 pm): that smile that cat and that humbleness of yours makes me understand the need to admire you
(7:27:01 pm): sincerely..
(7:27:14 pm): again thanks for being one beautiful girl..
(7:27:34 pm): and please have a great night of good relaxing sleep
(7:27:51 pm): adios bellissima principessa

For the record, because his profile mentioned he's Latino and that he doesn't have the best English, I asked my BFF how to say "sexy butterfly" in Spanish just to see if maybe, maybe it just didn't translate well.

No dice, but this is pretty hot...

(source: http://tattoos.niima.us/tag/butterfly-tattoo/page/2)

...so thank you, Google, for that.

Irrational is as irrational does.

I've been unenthralled with online dating as of late, hence the absence. But this guy made me laugh (in a "wow, you're psychologically messed up" way), so I had to share.

He sent me an IM last night. (I'm not obscuring his name in any way. It's stupid too.)

KISS-ME-FIRST: hi
Me: hello.
KISS-ME-FIRST: nice cat
Me: yeah, she's pretty cool.
KISS-ME-FIRST: yeah i like black cats especially during halloween
Me: I like her all the time. if I only liked her once a year, I'd be a bad pet owner.
KISS-ME-FIRST: i use to have a cat and a dog
Me: I had a dog for a while, too.

And that was it. Was I impressed? No. But I probably would have continued the conversation.

Then he sent me another IM about a half hour ago. It's snowing here in Connecticut today, so most people don't have to go to work. I, unfortunately, do.

KISS-ME-FIRST: hey, wanna hit the casino?
Me: I have to work today.
KISS-ME-FIRST: how about tonight
Me: ...I do work tonight.
Me: I'm not going anywhere with a stranger anyway.
KISS-ME-FIRST: you're not spontaneous at all. boring, i bet you just sit there like a little prissy on a date. not what i want. do me a favor delete your account, because your just wasting space on here.

Wow. Okay, maybe I could see that reaction if I insulted him. I just said I didn't know him. Which, uh...I don't. Because a five minute conversation isn't really enough to not call someone a "stranger."

Me: and tell me where I said I was spontaneous again? because I never did.
Me: sorry, I don't know anything about you, and I'm not going anywhere with you after a half of a conversation. if that's "prissy" to you, so be it.
KISS-ME-FIRST: i know one thing for sure you are WORTHLESS!
Me: lol, okay, thanks. you're too kind.

Really, dude? That's a meaningful world for someone with such a small brain to be using.

Me: if you think you're hurting my feelings, you're severely deluded.
KISS-ME-FIRST: WHAT A LOSER. OK-CUPID DELETE THIS RETARD
Me: delete me for...? being cautious and not liking YOU? yeah, that's valid.
KISS-ME-FIRST: i Guess i can pray that you come to your senses and delete your account ant do man kind a service

Yes. I'd be doing mankind a service by deleting my online dating profile. I'm betting, by his logic, we can eliminate world hunger with a single Facebook status update. Why haven't we done this?!

Me: are you really wondering why I won't meet you? really? look at your behavior.

I had to contain myself, because I really wanted to follow that with, "Look at your life! Look at your choices!" Oh, Sassy Gay Friend... Ahem, anyway.

KISS-ME-FIRST: listen i dont need a mommy. please do the right thing get lost
Me: such a classic reaction to rejection. congratulations.

He's acting like a petulant child. I think he might actually need a mommy...

KISS-ME-FIRST: obvious, YOU'VE NEVER WENT ON ADATE WITH A REAL MAN THEN. bye RETARD

Classy.

And that was the amusing start to my snowy day.

Aloha!

I'll admit it: I'm a planner. I do well with hypothetical situations. I enjoy considering twists and turns. I plan out entire conversations in my head like I'm watching a movie. I read a guy's profile and I've already considered what color my bridesmaids' dresses would be.

However, those are all sort of up in the air, as it were. I don't actually consider the idea of any of it coming true.

On the other hand, it is January. This seems a little...more from the planning ahead department that even I do (from the Honolulu Craigslist):

Waikiki in August - 42 (Paradise)
Hello, I am going to visit Hawaii in August and was hoping to find someone special to be able to go to dinner with and show me around the island and the sites. I am single and will be travelling by myself. I am 6'1, 200 pounds, caucasian and healthy. I am divorced and have 2 sons but will be going on this vacation alone. I want to be able to relax on the beach and have no worries for a change. I ultimately want to move to Hawaii and would love to see where the better places are to live. So if anyone would like to go on a blind date with a nice guy in August please write to me.

Goofus and Gallant, Rotten Fish Style

Gentlemen, in the same vein as this video, I present a couple of rules regarding how to maintain a girl's interest.

Rule #1: Be interesting.
Rule #2: Be intelligent.
Rule #3: Don't be uninteresting.

Case in point:

Me: what do you do now?
Exhibit A: i'm making concertinas, in a small three-person workshop.
Me: what is a concertina?
Me: a little concert?
Exhibit A: a little accordion -- the little hexagonal ones they took on sailing ships
Me: you are building little accordions.
Me: that is oddly fascinating. why, pray tell, are you making concertinas?
Exhibit A: well, it just follows naturally from politics, don't you think?
Me: obviously a direct link between politics and obscure musical instruments.

...versus...

Exhibit B: u like the band linking park?
Me: i do.
Exhibit B: there great live
Exhibit B: saw them with matalica and they took the consort

I rest my case.

An Unusual Fetish (ad nauseum)

IveGotaFetish: Hey there
Me: hello
IveGotaFetish: Any guesses about my username?
Me: not a clue.
IveGotaFetish: Do you have a BP cuff?
Me: not at the moment.
IveGotaFetish: Do you know how to use one?
Me: probably not correctly.
IveGotaFetish: Are you willing to explore a somewhat unusual fetish?
Me: that usually depends on the fetish.
IveGotaFetish: I've got a nurse / BP fetish ;-)
IveGotaFetish: Would you be willing to talk about it / explore it on Yahoo or Skype?

As with most fetishes, it's not what the fetish actually is, but how the guy wants to bring it up immediately. I'm a pretty open person, but it does require a certain level of trust which I'm not sure I have with someone who...well...IMs me out of the blue wanting to talk about blood pressure cuffs and nurses.

From his profile:

Mainly just looking for a nice girl to help me explore, both through chat AND some roleplay, my rather unusual fetish. I don't really know why anyone would want to explore a fetish without some level of activity involving said fetish...... To me that's like wanting to travel the world by looking at a map. I really don't get that but whatever. I do want to learn more about it. I would also like to have some enjoyment (by way of roleplaying) during this exploration.

On the other hand, he seems almost too cerebral to even have a fetish. I get this vibe that he figures he should have a fetish, so he picked one and...now wants to explore it. Like a convert to a new religion who isn't quite sure what the rules are yet.

Scatting in the New Year.

Happy 2011, kids. It's not exactly a Rotten Fish, but here's an uplifting Missed Connection to start things off.


To the woman who took a shit in the Northampton parking garage. - m4w - 38 (NewYearsEve. )

Yeah, this can only be going to good places.

I mean, come on!

It was like 50 paces to the nearest restroom!

I sat there in my car wondering what the hell you were up to - you spent at least 2 minutes scurrying around your parked car, looking to see if the coast was clear. I thought you were going to, like, break into someone else's car or something. Then I guessed you thought you were "safe" and hurried to the front of your car, near the third level stairwell, dropped your pants, squatted and WENT TO IT!

Anyone else picturing this? It's a little hilarious. Just a little.

For Christ's sake, woman! All the time you spent looking out for passing cars so no one would see you crapping like a dog in public, you could have hustled your lazy ass downstairs and into the building and USED THE DAMNED RESTROOM!

Sheesh!

You tell her! That's disgusting!

Anyway - if you're free later, drop me a line. I was never more turned on in my life.

...oh. Interesting turn of events. The outrage was a great misdirection.


So why is this uplifting? Because love can truly be found anywhere. Even while you're taking a shit in a parking garage. Someone for everyone, happens when you least expect it, sometimes it smells really bad, yada yada...

Best of luck to all in the coming year!