I Long for Thee, My Pendulous Parakeet

My desktop is technically my gaming machine, so I generally have my headphones plugged in so that when I'm chatting on Ventrilo with my other WoW delinquents, I'm not bothering the neighbors on the other side of my wall. The upshot of this is that when I'm not gaming, I tend to not have my headphones on and thus I don't always hear when someone IMs me.

Luckily for me, my lack of a response didn't particularly bother this gentleman:

(7:23:13 pm): im impressed by your beauty
(7:23:23 pm): so natural.. how about your heart!!
(7:23:38 pm): hope you have a very humble heart
(7:25:01 pm): i want to conquer that heart of yours sexy butterfly
(7:25:34 pm): just wondering do you speak another language
(7:25:36 pm): ?
(7:26:54 pm): that smile that cat and that humbleness of yours makes me understand the need to admire you
(7:27:01 pm): sincerely..
(7:27:14 pm): again thanks for being one beautiful girl..
(7:27:34 pm): and please have a great night of good relaxing sleep
(7:27:51 pm): adios bellissima principessa

For the record, because his profile mentioned he's Latino and that he doesn't have the best English, I asked my BFF how to say "sexy butterfly" in Spanish just to see if maybe, maybe it just didn't translate well.

No dice, but this is pretty hot...

(source: http://tattoos.niima.us/tag/butterfly-tattoo/page/2)

...so thank you, Google, for that.

We're back. Bad CraigsList ads never left.

This is from an ad on CraigsList with the subject line, "Looking for emotional love first and foremost."

"You are going to make a wonderful husband and father one day" This is what a very special friend of mine constantly tells me. But how useful is the information really if the girl who thinks it is also the one that won't let you have that chance?

Okay, that's a little whiny. But I'll give him a chance.

Look, I try my best to be romantic. I am that guy who will leave you flowers not because it's your birthday, not because it's a special day, not even because it's thursday. I will leave you those flowers because I saw them and I KNEW you would like them. I knew they would hold a special meaning for you other than them being just flowers. Romantic things just come to me randomly because I am thinking about you, and I want you to be happy.

Bordering on sappy, and like you're just telling me what you think I want to hear. But about 80% less creepy than most ads on CraigsList, so I'll read on.

Me: White, twenty four years old, five foot seven inches, two hundred pounds, blue eyes, dirty-blood hair. I am about to finish my bachelors degree, and I have a job. I don't like sports or cars so you won't find me ignoring you because the super bowl is on. Please be around my age. Race isn't important to me at all, and looks only matter in the way that there has to be an attraction on both sides for something to happen. However, I have a wide variety of types so don't let your hangups about your body and personality stop you from emailing me.

First of all... "Dirty-blood hair"? Dude, bad typo. And second... Even insinuating someone might have hangups before you've spoken to them is bad form.

And then there's this gem, in an ad seeking "emotional love"...

As a last note, I should mention that for those that just want sex, as long as I am single I would be willing to go with a 1night stand or FWB since it has been a long time since I had sex. You may want to know that I am VERY good at giving a girl orgasms and get pleasure from giving pleasure. I'm not trying to toot my own horn, but to give you an idea how good I can be, I have given a girl who medically was not supposed to be able to have orgasms, 5 huge orgasms in a single try.

Thanks for telling me! I was just about to ask you for references. Now...do you have a medical expert I can call about that miraculous event, as well? Hey, wait a minute... This ad wasn't supposed to be about sex...


And this one's called, "Redneck seeking girlfriend."

Im a 19 yr old redneck with a tricked out truck, have a job, i race quads, im an outdoors guy. I pretty much do anything . Im not looking for sex or you to send me to a website to get verified. Im looking for a cute girl whos skinny and not fat or ugly

I just... I can't. I can't.


And finally... "Total paranoia is just total awareness."

Be my girl. That is all.

I... Well... Is it wrong that I kind of like this? (It probably is.)

Same as it ever was.

Highlights from recent weeks.


First we have the following thrilling introductions.

1) How are things?

2) Hello Heather :) My name is Manny

3) How's your day going so far?

These are people I've never spoken to, and that was the full text of each message. Awesome.


And this one...

send me a wink

You just sent me a message...to tell me...to send you a wink? I... What?


This is from the same guy.

u dont smile in any of yor photoz? bad grammr got u down?

I'd love to give him the benefit of the doubt and say he was trying to be funny, but the content of his profile leads me to believe that is not the case.


And this one's my favorite.

You're really cute, mind if I fap to your photos?

It was nice of him to ask, I must say.

My new profession?

This one - 46 years old, by the way - and I had spoken once before. All he wanted to know was whether I got aroused watching men masturbate and if I'd ever had an orgasm. I told him I wasn't answering that, and he should be on his merry way elsewhere. But alas, he returned. And I was none too pleased.


porny: I see you are having a hard time breaking out of your current employment position
me: a lot of people are. and?
porny: Have you considered the adult industry?
me: no.
porny: There are great oppurtunities
porny: A lot of money can be made

Apparently it's now considered perfectly normal and polite to open a conversation with, "Oh, you're looking for a job? I think you should do porn."



me: unless any of them include staying fully clothed, no thanks.
porny: well some do
me: and there are so many adult companies here in CT, right?
porny: Well for instance, massage can be done clothed
me: that's...not really an adult industry.
porny: Yes, unless you are willing to do hand releases
me: yeah, I don't really like touching people, so no.
porny: phone sex is another possibility

And as a regular consumer of such things, you'd know.



me: is there a point to this? because from where I sit, you're just hoping it'll lead to dirty talk, and that's not going to happen.
porny: no not at all
porny: from where I sit, I think attractive women should take advantage......make some money
me: I have no issue with women who choose to do so. it's just not my thing.
porny: well, you are very attractive...thought you would want to take advantage of it

Now, forgive me, but I must go off on a tangent. Why do men assume that all women desire to use their sexuality to get ahead? I've had more than one guy say he doesn't understand why I don't just flash my boobs to get what I want. Gee, I dunno... Maybe I want to earn it with my brain? Because I do have one of those, y'know.



me: do you remember talking to me before?
porny: no, did we?
me: yes we did.
porny: Oh, sorry don't recall
porny: hope you enjoyed it
me: I didn't like your line of discussion then, and I don't like it now.

And he went away. But he'll be back. They always come back.

Jugs.

I had the misfortune of being away from the computer for this one.


realwinner: u look like u have amazing jugs...

...really, dude? Really? I'm not sure if that offends me on principle, or simply because people still use the word "jugs."


realwinner: i guess your not talkative, but i just wanted to give you a compliment. havea nice day.

Oh yes, that's quite a compliment. Making a creepy comment about my breasts.


And then about three hours later, when I was also, sadly, away from the computer...

realwinner: sorry about the comment about your breasts before. i didn't mean to offend u.

Well, uh...at least he apologized. Hopefully my unintentional silence will tell him that's not exactly the best way to approach a woman. Which is probably much nicer than what I would have said to him had I been present.

The Traditional Approach.

Today I bring you a couple more shining examples of the kind of men on the market for us single ladies, courtesy CraigsList (once again).


This one comes from the Hartford M4W LTR section.

So, this is totally messed up. I'm warning you, if you are in any way easily offended, just stop now, close it, I don't want to get emails telling me I'm messed up, I don't care.

I hate when I meet a girl who seems nice enough, cute, not dumb, has a job, etc, we go on a few dates, one thing leads to another, I'm going down on her, and her pussy is a mess. I'm realizing that how good a care a woman takes of herself there really relates to the rest of her life pretty accurately. So, send me a pussy picture. Everyone is hesitant to get to send out face photos are first anyways, so don't, snap a picture of yourself with your phone and email it to me. If it looks clean and delicious, we'll chat, if I don't respond, sorry! Sex isn't everything, but I want a woman who pays attention to detail and I think this will be a great indicator.

First of all, the fact that he knows this is weird? He gets an A+ for self-awareness, which indicates to me that he's not entirely certifiable. And he has a fair point, so long as he's relating it to prior experience. HOWEVER... Dude, just...no. I can see if he worked his way into it. Like... "We should talk for a while, then I'd like to see a picture of your pussy to determine if we're compatible." But to ask right away? That's a little off-putting. I'm tempted to reply (text only) just to see how much free porn he's collected.


And then this gem from Western Massachusetts M4W LTR.

looking for a girl has always been kinda hard for me .. ive been told i have kinda high standards. i dont think i do i jus look for a girl who is between 5'3" - 5'6". white or latina. between 17-21 years old. someone who wants a baby. i can be in a relationship wit yu.. or honestly im down for gettin a girl prego an they jus havin the baby givin it to me n bouncin. but. i kno this isnt really the place to look for this kinda stuff. but if interested send a message. its nice to have pics too. please non-judgmental ladies please. (im bi)

Whoa, there is...so much here.

He doesn't think he has high standards - but all he wants is a girl between 5'3" and 5'6". Nope, not picky at all. Oh, and he also wants her to be white or latina. That certainly does not exclude approximately 80% of the world's population or anything. And she needs to be between 17 and 21, and also want a baby. Sounds to me like he could go for just about anyone!

But wait just a minute... He wants to knock up a chick and take the baby? It's all coming together... He's really just looking for an egg donor. That's why all the qualifications. More power to him, but on CraigsList? I know fertility clinics are expensive, but at least try Match.com instead.

And I love that he's worried about women judging his bisexuality. Because the other part of this is entirely normal.


Just another day looking for love on the internet...