Pre-Marital Hanky Panky!

Him: when was your last realtionship
Me: guy i was sorta dating just decided yesterday that he wanted to be just friends, actually.
Me: but it hadn't been going on that long.
Him: awww
Him: so wasnt' a long term?
Me: no
Him: when was last relationship
Me: ended jan 2009
Him: wow, so no hanky panky for almost a year?

I can't decide which of the following is the worst part:

1. That he assumes "hanky panky" only happens within the confines of a serious relationship (or at least that it does for the womenfolk).
2. That he thinks a year is a long time to go without "hanky panky."
3. That he used the phrase "hanky panky" unironically.
4. That Jan 2009 to now is "almost a year."
5. That he lives in a world where that is an appropriate question to ask someone he's just met and is considering dating.

The Later It Gets, the Less Likely I Am to Change Out of My PJs

I wish I could say that there was some sort of preamble to this instant message, but he immediately hit me with this:

FLguy: wana hang out tonight?
Me: i'm sorry, what?
FLguy: hang out

Yes, yes, get to the point. It's not that I don't understand, it's that I don't understand.

Me: i imagine not.
FLguy: imagination is a state of mind
Me: indeed.

Translation: I get it; you are very deep.

FLguy: are you here for something serious
Me: generally, yes.
FLguy: we can have something non serious for one night

Deep like a FOX...er...no, wait.

Me: I doubt it.
FLguy: haha
FLguy: you have a good sense of putting things in perspective

It's one of my skillz; unfortunately, my skillz set does not include making weirdos go away. It was at this point that I had checked his profile and saw he was a native of Gainesville, FL.

Me: and strangely enough, i doubt i'd make it to florida and back in one night.
FLguy: i am in philly right now
Me: ah, i see.
FLguy: not gonna make you travle so far :)
FLguy: that would be rude on my part
Me: lol
FLguy: I am not as bad as you think :)
Me: i really have no opinion of you except that you randomly popped up and asked me to hang out

Which, I might add, is pretty frickin' bad, actually.

FLguy: well we can talk on phone a bit and if you like we can hang out else not
FLguy: and if you dont feel like giving your number you can call the hotel and ask for my room
Me: as tempting as that all is, i still have to be up early for work.

Sarcasm: Refuge of the Amadei since...whenever it is she learned to speak.

FLguy: its still early right now..I will drop you off

At this point, it was about quarter to 9pm. Even if I were the kind of girl to randomly meet someone at his hotel, it certainly wouldn't be after 9pm on a Wednesday.

Me: lol
Me: if your hotel's in philly, it's probably an hour from where i am anyway.
FLguy: whats your zip
FLguy: I am in sheraton near the airport if you know where that is
Me: yeah, that's like an hour.
FLguy: oh I am sorry
FLguy: i dont have a car not do I know anything abt here
Me: i'm pretty much on the other side of the city. kinda.

He doesn't have a car, but he said earlier in the conversation that he'd drop me off, so that leaves me to consider the idea that he a) is Superman, b) has a broomstick, or c) is lying about something.

FLguy: you could leave from here

I could...wait, what?

Me: ha ha
FLguy: we can have breakfast here at the hotel in the morning
Me: i find that all very unlikely.

BECAUSE I AM NOT INSANE.

FLguy: your words are amusing
Me: i'm glad you're amused.
FLguy: sometimes
FLguy: but its boring here
FLguy: cant you make a one time exception to travel here
FLguy: its going to be a good company
Me: exception to what?

I really wanted him to say something like "to your rule of not having sex with random guys on the Internet," but I was unfortunately not given that little fun gem.

FLguy: to hang out
Me: considering i have to get up at 6am to be at work at 7am, i'm not inclined to meet with some random person who's here for one night only.

Or at all, really, but I was trying to drive the point home.

FLguy: my sister lives in NJ so I come here sometimes
Me: ah.
FLguy: yea
FLguy: and you are always welcome to come to florida
FLguy: anytime :)

Because him having a sister in NJ and me being welcome in FL makes me meeting him at his hotel so much less creepy.

Me: what is in gainesville?
FLguy: umm good springs and beaches are close by
FLguy: i have a car there so it wont be any problme going around
FLguy: lol
FLguy: i am an open book so
FLguy: i like you to be honest
FLguy: you have been very sweet and without any attitude
FLguy:which is not common
Me: lol thanks

Translation: I've been planning this blog post since the first thing you said.

FLguy: we can go for a drink if you like
FLguy: i wana see some places before i leave philly
Me: i'm pretty sure i'm in for the night.

Time check: It is now 9:15pm.

FLguy: philly girls are weird
FLguy: i dont know
FLguy: completely different experience
Me: lol how so?
FLguy: well they will talk to you and you might think they would hang out or so
FLguy: and in the end its "I am too tired, its very late"
FLguy: thats what I heard last time
FLguy: there is not point in being good and sweet anymore and wasting time
FLguy: it doesnt lead to anything

I don't think I gave him any indication that it could possibly lead to anything, but hey, maybe we're having two different conversations.

Me: i don't generally hang out with anyone the first time talking to them.
FLguy: everyone is different in its own way
Me: indeed
FLguy: its not that late come on
Me: it is that late.

A sentiment I feel I have made abundantly clear during the tenure of our conversation.

Me: and i just don't randomly meet people offline for one night.
FLguy: but I dont have any other choice
FLguy: else I would have stayed here
Me: i am failing to see how that affects me at all.
FLguy: its alright
FLguy: it doesn
FLguy: i am just wasting my time I think
Me: hm. good thought.

I mean, seriously. He had talked to me for over an hour at this point and I still wasn't leaping into my car, so...

FLguy: you can feel good abt yourself right n ow
FLguy: but karma is always fair to everyone
FLguy: so it will your turn someday
Me: i doubt that karma will think that i am a bad person for not going out on a work night to meet up with a random guy at his hotel.
FLguy: well thats not the point
FLguy: but your statement was rude
FLguy: last one
Me: hm.

You heard it here first--because I didn't pay it forward and just whip on down to the Airport Sheraton, karma is going to bite me in the ass especially as I've uttered a rude statement. But FLguy wasn't finished waxing philosophical.

FLguy: if you meet a stranger anywhere, is that the first time or you have met themin some previous life too
Me: yes, but if i meet someone in, say, the mall, i can already see that they are perhaps not an axe murderer whereas random people on the internet could be completely different from how
FLguy: I mean you girls say it all the time " I dont meet strangers or I dont talk to them"..are you girls born here with friends

HE HAS FIGURED US ALL OUT, LADIES! The reason we need to go to the bathroom in groups is because we're born with all the friends we'll ever have and WE CANNOT RISK LOSING ONE.

Me: and really none of that trumps that i have to be at work at 7am.

Which, strangely enough, is really all I was trying to get him to acknowledge. It became almost like a game. But let's move on from philosophy to criminal justice:

FLguy: well then you need to put more attention to the current events
FLguy: most of the victims are not from online
FLguy:but from someone who knew them very closely
Me: lol
FLguy: go watch forensic files on tru tv
FLguy: it will give you some idea on what basis most cases are based
FLguy: and its not some bullshit like CSI
FLguy: its a 100% true event
Me: i've seen it.
FLguy: oh
FLguy: i thought most of you girls only watch what lindsey lohan is doing or which club paris hilton is going to
FLguy: i didnt know some of you actually watch those kind of "boring" shows
Me: ha ha. very funny.

After that, I didn't really feel inspired to talk with him anymore.

Fables.

And now it's time for Tales From My OkCupid Inbox!


This was a missed IM.

you look mad in your pics lol

I'm not mad in them. But what if I were, and you were "lol" at me and my feelings, you insensitive bastard?


I don't think some people realize that IMs are not like answering machines.

good evening. i enjoyed reading through your profile and would like to chat with you. i hope you are having a fantastic weekend thus far, and I look forward to hearing from you soon! :)

You've sent me an IM. We're chatting. In fact, generally people respond right away, given the concept of instant messaging. But if you insist...next time leave a callback number.


But if you're going to IM me with this, and only this:

?

...just give up.


Finally we have... Well, I find this indescribable.

have a random 'fable'

The Eggbanana and the molecule of vitamin B12.

Once there was an Eggbanana overwintering in a
gingko tree in Chicago. It was accosted by a molecule
of vitamin B12 who said "I am a molecule of vitamin B12".
The Eggbanana prompty ate the molecule.

Immoral of the story: Be wary of grains of cumin, for they may try to sell you Cheese Insurance.

Can someone explain this to me? Is there something funny here that I'm missing? At last check, eggs and bananas can't mate, ginkgo trees don't grow in Chicago, and molecules of B12 don't talk. Then again, I live on Earth - a place with which this man does not seem familiar.


I think the next entry will tackle the Holy Grail of all dating sites - PlentyOfFish.

We're back. Bad CraigsList ads never left.

This is from an ad on CraigsList with the subject line, "Looking for emotional love first and foremost."

"You are going to make a wonderful husband and father one day" This is what a very special friend of mine constantly tells me. But how useful is the information really if the girl who thinks it is also the one that won't let you have that chance?

Okay, that's a little whiny. But I'll give him a chance.

Look, I try my best to be romantic. I am that guy who will leave you flowers not because it's your birthday, not because it's a special day, not even because it's thursday. I will leave you those flowers because I saw them and I KNEW you would like them. I knew they would hold a special meaning for you other than them being just flowers. Romantic things just come to me randomly because I am thinking about you, and I want you to be happy.

Bordering on sappy, and like you're just telling me what you think I want to hear. But about 80% less creepy than most ads on CraigsList, so I'll read on.

Me: White, twenty four years old, five foot seven inches, two hundred pounds, blue eyes, dirty-blood hair. I am about to finish my bachelors degree, and I have a job. I don't like sports or cars so you won't find me ignoring you because the super bowl is on. Please be around my age. Race isn't important to me at all, and looks only matter in the way that there has to be an attraction on both sides for something to happen. However, I have a wide variety of types so don't let your hangups about your body and personality stop you from emailing me.

First of all... "Dirty-blood hair"? Dude, bad typo. And second... Even insinuating someone might have hangups before you've spoken to them is bad form.

And then there's this gem, in an ad seeking "emotional love"...

As a last note, I should mention that for those that just want sex, as long as I am single I would be willing to go with a 1night stand or FWB since it has been a long time since I had sex. You may want to know that I am VERY good at giving a girl orgasms and get pleasure from giving pleasure. I'm not trying to toot my own horn, but to give you an idea how good I can be, I have given a girl who medically was not supposed to be able to have orgasms, 5 huge orgasms in a single try.

Thanks for telling me! I was just about to ask you for references. Now...do you have a medical expert I can call about that miraculous event, as well? Hey, wait a minute... This ad wasn't supposed to be about sex...


And this one's called, "Redneck seeking girlfriend."

Im a 19 yr old redneck with a tricked out truck, have a job, i race quads, im an outdoors guy. I pretty much do anything . Im not looking for sex or you to send me to a website to get verified. Im looking for a cute girl whos skinny and not fat or ugly

I just... I can't. I can't.


And finally... "Total paranoia is just total awareness."

Be my girl. That is all.

I... Well... Is it wrong that I kind of like this? (It probably is.)

IRMEDD420 IV: A New Hope

So, my buddy IRMEDD420 has reappeared with a different username. I got a notification that someone had added me to his favorites list, so I clicked on the profile. The picture wasn't familiar, but when I saw what town he lives in, plus the line, "unfortunately i have no car at the moment and i realize that can be very unattractive," I knew...I just knew.

Then later in his profile he says, "my last profile was caps and surprisingly a fair amount of people actually care about the most pedantic shit." No, my darling; we just don't enjoy being yelled at.

Then there was this:

IRMEDD420: hello
Me: hello.
IRMEDD420: you are beautiful

It's like he doesn't remember calling me a snooty bitch. Amazing.