Me and Mr. Perfect.

(Warning: Long.)

This guy is one of my favorites, because he brought the crazy for me not once, but twice. So yes, there will be another installment.

(Irrelevant or excessively lengthy parts have been edited out. His screen name is also not "mrperfect." And I apologize for his atrocious spelling.)

First of all, he shared this informational assault at the beginning of the conversation, completely umprompted.

(1:44:28 am)mrperfect: nice to meet you great pic im just drinking beer and watching tv
(1:45:45 am)mrperfect: yeah you got a great look going on I work in th emedicla field and a union job for 8 yrs
(1:46:46 am)mrperfect: I workout, like mma and drag racing
(1:47:45 am)mrperfect: I eat workout and like to travel
(1:48:07 am)me: uh, cool
(1:48:49 am)mrperfect: thanks I love attention and like when a women is touchy feley
(1:49:14 am)me: okay...
(1:49:21 am)mrperfect: I own a house next tot eh mohegan sun casino

That is...fantastic. But I didn't ask. Soon after...

(2:04:15 am)mrperfect: we should meet for dinner
(2:04:21 am)me: um..
(2:04:26 am)me: not after 10 minutes, sorry
(2:04:49 am)mrperfect: ok we will chat till you fall asleep
(2:05:04 am)me: I wouldn't be so certain about that.
(2:05:24 am)mrperfect: umm I would everyone else gives me their number
(2:07:00 am)mrperfect: want to call one
(2:07:14 am)mrperfect: ill give you a number
(2:07:24 am)me: no.. I don't want to call anyone

What is this, a job interview? I don't give a shit about your references.

(2:16:02 am)mrperfect: I bet i can get more numbers than you
(2:16:27 am)me: I bet I don't even want to be involved in that competition.
(2:16:32 am)mrperfect: leave you with nothing haha
(2:16:50 am)mrperfect: you still be on here in 5 more years
(2:17:15 am)me: it's worth it if I meet someone who doesn't just want to fuck me.
(2:17:36 am)mrperfect: I dopnt want to fuck you
(2:17:47 am)mrperfect: who said I want to fuick you
(2:17:52 am)me: feeling's mutual.
(2:18:02 am)me: just saying... that's over half of the people that talk to me here
(2:19:14 am)me: Im selctive im in shape ex model
(2:19:47 am)me: and you're really modest, too

Please. If you didn't want to fuck me, you wouldn't have asked to meet me right away. You're just upset I turned you down. Evidence...

(2:22:40 am)mrperfect: youll be on here forever
(2:22:59 am)mrperfect: with your awkward thinking
(2:23:08 am)mrperfect: thinking I wan to fuck you
(2:23:23 am)me: um, I never said you.
(2:23:23 am)mrperfect: wehat do you think your the hotest here
(2:23:38 am)me: did I say that?
(2:23:44 am)mrperfect: your soem kind of model uinder 20,000 a year
(2:23:55 am)mrperfect: yeah everyone wants you
(2:24:04 am)me: wow... you're just an immature asshole. way to go.
(2:24:06 am)mrperfect: well ose the attitute your not all that
(2:24:17 am)mrperfect: i ve been arounda ll that
(2:24:20 am)me: didn't say I was.
(2:24:22 am)me: neither are you.
(2:24:26 am)mrperfect: in mdeling school etc
(2:24:51 am)me: who's talking about being a model? oh right, just you.
(2:24:58 am)mrperfect: i was
(2:25:24 am)me: your bragging is not becoming, just so you know. and neither is your shit attitude.

And just in case anyone was wondering...

(2:26:48 am)mrperfect: get ambushed inmens changing rooms today at wal mart and tj maxx
(2:27:02 am)mrperfect: like leaches

Yeah. I'm sure that's true. (It was probably because you stole something.)

Some of the stuff I left out: Him asking me if he should have sex with a married woman; him telling me one of the women he slept with had "huge beasts" (which I assume means "breasts") and I might like her; that he said was clearly wasting his time, but talked for another twenty minutes; and then finally informing me that I should date a Mexican man (I... what?).

Part two gets really good. Stay tuned.

If At First You Don't Succeed...

There's something to be said about persistence. My biggest complaint about the guys on dating sites is that they don't put forth any effort--I look at half filled out profiles or get messages with just "Hey, what's up?" which gives me no impetus to respond.

But there’s something to be said about putting too much effort forward. Thus, I bring you ricky.

Of all of the following, if there's no response from me, it means I had my instant messenger turned off, but he IMed me anyway.

January 3rd:
(9:52:49 pm) ricky: hello there how are you? if intrested cutie care to chat?

January 6th:
(7:28:08 pm) ricky: hello there cutir, intrested care to chat?
(7:34:32 pm) Me: depends on what we're chatting about. heh.
(7:40:05 pm) ricky: to high and siped on poision
(7:40:48 pm) ricky: favuioret synfeld and fox now
(7:49:30 pm) Me: i'm sorry?

I’m actually still confused about that one, now that I think about it.

January 14th:
(6:17:09 pm) ricky: ooh hi there, hows it going? intrested, care to chat?
(6:17:32 pm) Me: about what?
(7:05:00 pm) ricky: i dont care chat about anything

Hm…okay, so he might have just lost some of those “effort” points I was alluding to earlier.

January 21st:
(6:52:57 pm) ricky: ooh hi there, hows it going? intrested, care to chat?

January 27th:
(7:37:31 pm) ricky: oooh hellos there, hows it going? care to chat?

The sad part is, looking at his profile, if I had found him first, I probably would have sent him a message as we seem like we’d probably get along. Alas, it is not to be. Another potential prince charming turned into a frog.

Over before it began.

Just like if one is dating in the "real world," the approach is incredibly important. Of course, when online, men are far more willing to say crazy shit because it won't get them kneed in the junk. Here are eight of the worst opening lines I've had used on me.


(10:23:24 pm): so heather i see your a atheist

Really? Right away? Here's a tip: Religion is not an opener, my friend. Especially when coupled with bad grammar.


(2:14:17 pm): why dont you be my judge on webcam, I have a new underwear lol

"A new underwear"? Just the one? That's disappointing. And what am I judging? If I don't like the underwear, will he return them? So many questions...


(7:33:02 pm): hi want to talk about panties

Interestingly enough...no. But I'm thinking this guy should get together with the guy above, and they can rate one another's undergarments all night long.


(1:35:07 am): damm that is a very sexy rack
(1:36:06 am): guess u hear that alot lol

Dating sites have things like "winks" and "nudges." Why isn't "virtual slap" an option?


(3:51:35 am):yo
(3:52:09 am):u like bein on ur knees?

Not particularly. I'd much prefer if you offered me a chair.


(11:50:12 pm): Do you happen to know how to check blood pressure?

Is this an emergency? Hold on, let me give you the number for 911...


(1:42:14 pm): omg ur so sucha girl ewwwwwwwwwwww

Okay, this was after I'd told him off in a previous conversation, so it was a re-approach. But I still have no idea what it means.


And here's a personal favorite, and how I'd like to start every conversation from now until the end of time:

(3:10:41 am): Heya, toots. What is the scent of your feet at present?


The moral of the story: Stick with "hello," gentlemen. Please...just stick with "hello."

Cuddle Monster

When I first started looking at profiles on the various Internet dating websites, I came across a lot, many, dare I say it oodles of guys who say that they like to cuddle. Or that they love to cuddle. Or even that they’re really, really good at cuddling. I thought that was a little odd.

I’ve come to believe that what they’re actually saying is “I’m not like other guys! I don’t just want sex! Really! No! Really, I swear! I just want to cuddle!” Which may or may not be true, but what I really don’t understand is why do they think a woman is more likely to say “Yes, I want to come over and cuddle with you, Strange Man on the Internet” than “Yes, I want to have lots of casual sex, Strange Man on the Internet!” It boggles my mind.

I think this is my favourite random cuddling invitation.

CM: do you like to cuddle
Me: usually.
CM: who do you live with?
Me: one of my best friends, his cat & my kitten. :D
CM: have you ever cuddled with a doctor before
Me: can't say that i have.
CM: do you want to
Me: i'm not sure how it would be any different than cuddling with a nurse practitioner, really.
CM: who is the nurse practioner?

My humour—wasted on the mouth-breathing masses…the mouth-breathing masses who will make more money in a year than I will in my lifetime. Dammit.

Anyway, after some chitchat about whether or not I like to drink and what time I have to work in the morning, he asked me…

CM: do you want to cuddle tonight
Me: why would i want to cuddle tonight?
CM: because my bodies warm

I should have guessed that, I suppose. Needless to say, I still haven’t cuddled with a doctor.