Oh baby.

I do not know the genesis of this encounter, but...here you go.

I had noticed this guy sent me an IM on Yahoo! Messenger a few days ago, but I wasn't around. And I'm fairly certain he sent me a friend request, but I denied it. Yet somehow he ended up on my buddy list.


bigbaby: hi
bigbaby: how are you
bigbaby: wanna chat
me: depends. who are you?
bigbaby: james
bigbaby: from diaperspace, you added me
me: from...where?
bigbaby: do you like playpens?
me: uh... you have the wrong person.


And then Amadei had to go and link me to DiaperSpace. I can assure you I was not there. To each their own. But...dude, no. Just no.

(Honestly? Now that I think about it... I'm betting this is a guy from OKCupid who added me on Facebook, then sent me an IM on AIM and pretended he didn't know me. Creepy.)

He needs a reality check. STAT!

From the Department of Downright Awful Pickup Lines at PlentyofFish...


My heart problem has reached a
critical stage.
That doctor says:
There r only 2 options left…
ICU

Or

U C Me.

I am Sherif, 32, what you think?


Well, Sherif. I think a few things.

1) That's one of the top ten worst lines I've ever heard. So congratulations on that.

2) "U C Me" is not an actual medical term. If it were, I might think this was cute. No...no, wait. I still wouldn't.

3) You're 32 years old. If you don't want to be the old, skeevy guy at the bar, wearing a leisure suit and hitting on women half his age...you'll stop the script now.

One more thing.

4) No.

Know what sucks? Fun. Fun sucks.

I do so enjoy when they don't even start with "hello."


funguy: dtf?
me: ...huh?
funguy: down to fuck
me: considering I didn't even know what that meant, I'm gonna go with no.

...seriously? Do people actually say that? Are we that lazy now? Is this the "sexting" kids do?


funguy: oh do u like to have fun?
me: no, I hate it. what kind of question is that?

It's absolutely appalling how many times I've said this to people. Usually they're trying to ask if I want to fool around with them, because apparently that's synonymous for "fun" these days.


funguy: lol well i mean do u like to meet nice guys and have fun with them
me: and what do you consider "fun"?
funguy: getting to know u and u me, talking really getting to know one another, laughing smiling

Here he has described "dating." Which, when done correctly, does have the potential to be fun.


me: again...what kind of question is that? sounds like an awful time to me.
funguy: oh ok, well pce

His sarcasm detector is broken, it would seem. And I didn't know it was that difficult to type "peace."


Naturally, I needed to have the last word.

me: work on some better openers, dude.

My new profession?

This one - 46 years old, by the way - and I had spoken once before. All he wanted to know was whether I got aroused watching men masturbate and if I'd ever had an orgasm. I told him I wasn't answering that, and he should be on his merry way elsewhere. But alas, he returned. And I was none too pleased.


porny: I see you are having a hard time breaking out of your current employment position
me: a lot of people are. and?
porny: Have you considered the adult industry?
me: no.
porny: There are great oppurtunities
porny: A lot of money can be made

Apparently it's now considered perfectly normal and polite to open a conversation with, "Oh, you're looking for a job? I think you should do porn."



me: unless any of them include staying fully clothed, no thanks.
porny: well some do
me: and there are so many adult companies here in CT, right?
porny: Well for instance, massage can be done clothed
me: that's...not really an adult industry.
porny: Yes, unless you are willing to do hand releases
me: yeah, I don't really like touching people, so no.
porny: phone sex is another possibility

And as a regular consumer of such things, you'd know.



me: is there a point to this? because from where I sit, you're just hoping it'll lead to dirty talk, and that's not going to happen.
porny: no not at all
porny: from where I sit, I think attractive women should take advantage......make some money
me: I have no issue with women who choose to do so. it's just not my thing.
porny: well, you are very attractive...thought you would want to take advantage of it

Now, forgive me, but I must go off on a tangent. Why do men assume that all women desire to use their sexuality to get ahead? I've had more than one guy say he doesn't understand why I don't just flash my boobs to get what I want. Gee, I dunno... Maybe I want to earn it with my brain? Because I do have one of those, y'know.



me: do you remember talking to me before?
porny: no, did we?
me: yes we did.
porny: Oh, sorry don't recall
porny: hope you enjoyed it
me: I didn't like your line of discussion then, and I don't like it now.

And he went away. But he'll be back. They always come back.

Tiny Fist of Impotent Rage

You should message me if
You are sick and fucking tired of people online flaking the fuck out and not giving you a straight answer.

Unlike some people I've met on here I will call if I can't make a planned on date and I better have a good reason cause besides illness or death I can't understand why I'd fuck up plans to go somewhere.

If I don't like you I'll tell you. If you ask why you failed to impress me I'll tell you.

I really have no illusions as to why this man is still single.

This Post Starring David Bowie's Area

OKCupid has a feature called "Icebreaker" wherein it gives you a topic and a "mystery match." You write out your little message about the topic and it sends it off to about three other people who supposedly have that interest also.

I received one today with the subject "pans labyrinth." The entire body of the message?

bowie balls. :D

Now, anyone who's seen Labyrinth is probably very familiar with David Bowie's Area, because it pretty much is the biggest star in the movie. The biggest...anything...in the movie, actually. So there's really no doubt to what, exactly, my mystery match was referring.

Except that the movie Labyrinth is VASTLY DIFFERENT from the movie Pan's Labyrinth.

One's sort of a fantasy word where a girl is searching for her baby brother who's been kidnapped, and one's REALLY FUCKING FREAKY.

And includes no Bowie balls. At all.

So to you, mystery match: failsauce.

Snippets from Today's Browsing

These all came from different profiles:

The first things people usually notice about me
My face and my whole body and my earrings

Way to narrow it down there, Sparky. Is there anything they don't notice first?

My favorite books, movies, music, and food
are you fucking kidding me........ask

Damn...and here I thought I was reading your profile to get some information about you. Methinks someone has slightly missed the point.

My Self-Summary
I'M LOOKING FOR A WOMAN WHO MAKES ME HAPPY AND HAS THE SAME LIFE GOALS AS I DO . I LOVE TO TRAVEL AND PLAY SPORTS. I LOVE TO JOKE AND LAUGH. HOBBIES ARE MMA AND INVESTMENTS. I LOVE ANIMALS AND AM VERY CLOSE TO MY FAMILY. I OWN A SUCCESSFUL BUSINESS THAT HAS BEEN GROWING RAPIDLY. I HAVE ONE SIBLING; AN OLDER BROTHER WHO IS AUTISTIC. I AM NOT A BORING PERSON AND FIND FUN IN ANYTHING. I AM CURRENTLY TRAINING HARD FOR A FIGHT IN ATLANTIC CITY AND ENJOY THE EXERCISE.

MMA and...investments? What makes this one give me a headache even more than the undying capslock is that he actually had someone edit this with the OKCupid editing tool...which is doubly odd because that person's profile is actually decent. I mean, were I a guy, I'd hit it.

Er, whut?

My favorite books...
I just finished Blink, which presumes to be about the efficacy of snap judgments. It concludes that you should a) always trust snap judgments and b) never, ever trust snap judgments. There - I just saved you $17.99. You're welcome.

Okay, so that last one wasn't a Rotten Fish; I thought everyone might appreciate the book review.

The Rotten Fish of the Sea: Saving you money that you could have spent on bad books since 2010.

Pedantic Ama Is Pedantic

Maybe it's just the English major in me that twitches when people don't actually respond to the question they're asked, but at least it keeps me from settling, right?

Take my new friend here: he popped up in my local matches, and the first thing I saw was this:

My Self-Summary
i need a woman who still understands what it means to be a woman. treat me like a man and I will honor you like the woman you are.

Forgive me for being pedantic, but that isn't really a summary of him, is it? Well, I guess the second sentence is, sorta, but the first sentence...it's pushing the limit in my opinion.

Even beyond that, what the hell does it even mean, exactly? "Understands what it means to be a woman"? Right now, I think that "meaning to be a woman" is having this pain radiating out of my lower back down my left leg whilst I enjoy other...uncomfortable things...that will last probably three more days.

Though I doubt that he'd want me to tell him about those particular trials and tribulations.

Or is he one of those guys who will tell his daughter that she can be anything she wants to be, but wants his wife pregnant and peeling grapes all the time? I can only assume that "treating him like a man" involves the aforementioned peeled grapes and copious amounts of fellatio.

I think we need some clarification.

Edit, 5/6/2010: One of my friends just informed me that she got this fine fellow in her QuickMatch. Dude gets around, doesn't he!

He works hard for the money.

Prior to this, the conversation was normal. We exchanged pleasantries, and he said he liked the picture of my cat. Then he awkwardly switches gears.


richfireman: iam firefighter Emt
me: I am...not.
richfireman: what do you do for work
me: retail.
richfireman: cool

Let's note that I haven't changed his chosen name that much; "fireman" is in it. So there wasn't a whole lot of doubt as to what he does for a living. Nor should there have been doubt about my occupation, since I mention it very clearly in my profile.


richfireman: i see you like to play pool
me: eh, yeah, I don't do it often.
richfireman: would like to play sometime
me: well I'm sure I'll play again eventually.

Would [I] like to play sometime? As someone who enjoys pool... Yes, yes I would. This is a silly question. At least I'm assuming it's a question, as it lacks the proper punctuation.


richfireman: i would like to ask you out on a date sometime if thats ok with you
me: it's fine if you ask me. but I'm going to say no.
richfireman: whys that
me: well I don't know enough about you to determine whether I want to consider that.
richfireman: thats ok
me: it's okay that I might not want to consider it? yes, it is.

Yeah, dude. Like I really needed your validation to say no. So I guess the next part was an attempt to share more about himself.


richfireman: so i work a lot
richfireman: my pay for this week is about 200 dollars

I...just... LOL. Is that supposed to impress me? I work a part-time retail job and make more than that. And lemme tell ya, it isn't even close to being enough. I don't really care how much money he makes, but I would like to know in which happy universe he lives where this is a lot of money. And if there are vacancies. But instead I told him I didn't really need to know that information, and...he had nothing else to say.


As I said on Twitter... I continue to be baffled by just how awkward people are online. Not good at face-to-face interaction? Great, neither am I. But why do 75% of these people seem like they just escaped from a cave and haven't spoken to a human being in years?