BDSMwhat?

I logged onto OKCupid for the first time in forever this evening and saw that I had a message. Usually, messages get sent to my e-mail, too, so I was a little confused until I saw that it was just someone saving my profile as a favorite. Curious, I went to his profile to see what I could see.

The second paragraph of his "My self-summary" section threw me off for a second because it was a little odd:

***Other sections below elaborate on intent and talk a little about me. Please read the last half to get to know me a bit better..

A couple of paragraphs later, it continues with

Again. Please read the entire profile. This is a great forum to get it all out there so to speak. You can't say the things I am saying here when you first meet a girl. That said... read the end to get to know me a bit better outside of the 'top' of this profile.

O...kay. Yes, I'm going to read the whole profile, but why are you so insistent, dude?

When we go into the bedroom to fuck this is what you should expect:

OH! Well, that was...er...unexpected, but please, tell me what I should expect when we...go into the bedroom to fuck.

All discipline will be enforced in the bedroom... outside the bedroom I am very laid back... but would love to explore a D/s relationship.. ;) I enjoy rough kinky sex. I am very controlling in bed and am looking for a total service whore in bed. Outside of bed... good times always.

He would love to "explore" a D/s relationship? Much of the profile goes on with exactly how the woman should expect to be spanked, do as she's told, and perform as a "total whore." This goes on for...well...if I printed it out, I'd say it'd take up a good two pages.

You should expect to be fucked up your ass if you can accommodate me. If you can not your ass will be teased and fingered a bit. It will be nice if we get along and get close/tested to come in your ass every now and then. You will also be expected to take cum on your face and lips.

Nothing but class this one.

But, really, I don't see anything morally or ethically or even sexually wrong with BDSM; it's more that his profile switches from the above to stuff like this...

I am very skilled in mathematics and computer sciences.

...then back to this...

*You should be very submissive in the bedroom. You should be clean and intelligent.

...without so much as a how's your father.

And then after his several paragraph description of how, exactly, she's going to take it, he hardly bothers to fill out any of the other fields. For example, his "I'm really good at" section?

I'm kinda complicated with all the things I do to make a living. All totally legal :) ... I may spread myself a bit thin... but I make good cash. Word.

Word indeed, sir. I think, however, that I shall pass.

Crazy Is As Crazy Does

You all remember my friend Honest, right?

• Too Much Honesty, Part I
• Too Much Honesty, Part II: Electric Boogaloo
• Too Much Honesty, Part III: The Thrilling Conclusion
• Too Much Honesty, Part IV: Are You Curious About the Epilogue?
• Too Much Honesty, Part V: What the...?
  

I chanced upon his profile again, and saw that it had been updated to have this at the beginning of his Self-Summary:

I am not actively using this site anymore.... way too many crazy people with issues, so if you want to talk, send me a message with your # and we can text. Thanks!

While I am sure that there are many crazy people on OKCupid, I don't think that this particular pot should be calling that specific kettle black.

My other concern is the cognitive dissonance that allows him to believe that he will somehow weed out the crazy people by, instead of talking to them via the relative anonymity of the site, asking for them to give him their telephone numbers.

At least I have no illusion of what he will be like when he grows up.

I have a red pickup truck, LOL.

I got a message from this dude on PlentyofFish.

First of all... His profile was structured like a resume, with headings. The "intro," the "meat and potatoes," the "intent," and the "conclusion."


I'm faithful and full of energy. I can be monogamus with pride. I actually like sex, yup I just said that. II don't think theres anything wrong with telling you that sex is a GOOD thing.Yes, I like to pull on your hair during sex, who wouldn't. LOL! Why can't I have it with someone I care about? Lots of passionate kisses to go with it maybe even for hours, whos keeping track of the time anyways? (I wrote this so you can't say that I'm "misrepresenting" myself. LOL!)

Um, LOL, I wouldn't like it if you pulled my hair. Ugh. And what does that last sentence even mean?


My Harley was built by me from the ground up and would like a passenger once in a while. Yes, I have a red pick up truck too! LOL!

...oh. I am...not impressed. And sick of your LOL.


My "intent";
I'm looking for a woman that "Says what she means and means what she says with out being mean". A bonus would be that she takes pride in her appearance and actually has time for me.
I work for the state and am drug/STD free. (rather proud of that)

"Why does this need to be in quotes?" I swear, I'm getting to the point that nothing annoys me more than incorrect usage of quotation marks.


I know you women like to shop and are always trying to find the best deal. The women who actually check the item (me) out and see if it will fit and look good on them are welcome in the store. The women who are consumed with window shopping forever will never know what they just missed.(good luck in you search)

"You women"? Good job stereotyping. And that's a pretty tired metaphor you have there.


PoF = fail.

Amadei's Quick and Dirty Profile Translator

What He Says: "I'm very laid back and hate drama."
What He Means: "I bring a lot of drama into my life, but I don't realize the common denominator in all my drama is me."

What He Says: "I'm looking for someone who isn't already jaded from previous relationships."
What He Means: "I'm jaded, but I expect you not to be."

What He Says: "Also, age really does not matter as long as you know where you are going."
What He Means: "I'd prefer you be somewhere in the eighteen to twenty-one year old age range (even though I'm thirty-two)."

What He Says: "As for books, I like any of the Dan Brown books and am currently reading Cramer's first book on investing (ugh, not really fun)."
What He Means: "I am a boring, uncreative man."

What He Says: "You should message me if you enjoy having fun and are not high maintenance."
What He Means: "I expect you to be generic and not expect me to tell you that you're pretty. Ever."

Christian Women Beware...

...there are men in your religion who have gone off the deep end.

Tagline: am a person who needs respect and who respect others i am christian i respect my faith its the back ground of all the things

Holy run on sentence, Batman!

In His Own Words:
am a person who needs respect and i do respect in return i do make good use of my time am a christian its my back bone of faith . the following are the major things that am looking for .this person should love her self have respect to the people she loves she should be in position to handle any problems that may arise in other words she must be a problem solver that may arise in a house hold she should have some good loving since love is the most beautiful thing that God created for man and woman.to have a spirit of sharing, i love sharing it shows that you are thought of this kind of spirit make a happy home .honesty is the key for any relationship to grow in this case i would like to inform you that were things are not done in the straight way tend to break up in the end and this make the whole proses an easy and may affects both parties to break up easy.in any relationship to grow their must be children for a man and a woman these are fruits that we can look on our time to come .in the book of creation God created man in his own image and that was adam and from adams ribs he created woman and she was called eva .man was happy because seeing eva as his wife .So for the above mentioned rally show that man needs a copanion

As I know you probably don't want to read that block of text, I'll pull out the places that really made me go "huh?" (as opposed to the other bits that just made me go huh?).

am a christian its my back bone of faith How can being a Christian be the backbone of one's faith? If one's faith is "Christian" it can't also be the backbone of that faith, can it? Am I making sense to just me again?

she must be a problem solver that may arise in a house hold I really wish this sentence ended with "and barefoot in the kitchen" because I feel that's where it was going.

He also goes on to say that partners should be honest with each other, with which I agree, but then he continues with i would like to inform you that were things are not done in the straight way tend to break up in the end. Apparently, he's somewhat of a relationship guru. Little did I know that not being honest would lead to the end of a romance. Do go on, most intelligent sir.

in any relationship to grow their must be children for a man and a woman these are fruits that we can look on our time to come Read as: I like sex without a condom, and it's God's will, so get used to being preggo.

Then he ends it all with a mini Bible lesson: God created man in his own image and that was adam and from adams ribs he created woman and she was called eva .man was happy because seeing eva as his wife .So for the above mentioned rally show that man needs a copanion

So...the point of a relationship is to give the man a companion? Did I somehow get warped to Utah? Or Texas? Or back to the 1600s in Boston?

But what really gets me is it's a dating website...you want to put your best foot forward, right? If that's his best foot, I'd hate to see his worst foot. It probably has stigmata on it.

"Creepy" Is a State of Mind

I suppose a year is a fair amount of time to message someone for the second time. There's always a chance they've forgotten about you in the intervening time. Or perhaps their standards have lowered since that first message.

Unfortunately for this guy, neither has happened to me. I'm not sure my standards will ever be that low. He just sent me a boring IM this time ("hi") and I spazzed out and linked his profile to a friend of mine who pointed out this:


But what is really the icing on the cake is that this fifty-nine year old man who is looking for women aged nineteen to thirty-five has this in his profile:

The most private thing I'm willing to admit
is my fear of dating, even online dating, I've heard their are a lots of sick people out there ... but I'm still willing to put myself out here ... nothing to loose and every-thing to gain ... Like is just to short not to enjoy ... How about you ?

Emphasis in red mine.

My inner monologue as I read that: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA *inhale* HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Some people should never talk about themselves.

Bits and pieces from recent browsing.


I'm extremely good at adding and subtracting numbers that are less than 3 digits. If you give me two numbers or in some case three that fall in that range....like 45+20+10. that's 75. I crank that out all day..... if that's the sorta thing you're into.

So...you're really good at elementary-level arithmetic? Wow. That makes me so hot. If you can read The Cat in the Hat, I'll take my panties off.


I need to work on my sense of humor, or lack thereof.
I am the least arrogant person I know, but I do not know many people.

This guy must be a riot at parties.


I am a bit of a "Technology" Nut. ... I'm a "avid" video game player ... I'm really good at "Puzzle Solving."

Also a "fan" of "unnecessary" quotation "marks."


At some point i plan on going to collage to study archeology and become an archeologist, because i really studying and learning about ancient civilizations.

You might want to start with spelling. Just sayin'.


im interested in metting someone active and interested in relationship possily some one who likes animals and wants too do interesting things anyone who wants too talk can message me hopefully close too me

This atrocious run-on with poor spelling and homophone confusion is bad enough. But the most notable thing? He had pictures of both himself and his pitbull on his profile, and they looked alike. I shit you not.


I am not great at this. It feels too much like updating my resume or writing a performance appraisal. I can just give out some more basics; I'm a good guy, a great listener, very funny, emotional stable, and other things that I am probably forgetting at the moment. If there is something else you want to know about me, just ask.

Zzzz... I'm sorry, that was so generic. I fell asleep.


And my favorite, which was probably just a typo, but still amusing.

Well for starters I would say that I have a very laid back person.

Like...in your freezer? Locked in a closet? Should I call the police?

I'm Almost Too Bored to Type This

Let's pretend you're a single guy. You decide that you don't really want to be a single guy anymore, but you don't really go to bars and all your friends are married, so it's difficult to find a girl. Somehow, you find out about a dating website called OKCupid, so you decide to make a profile. You sit down and the best you can come up with is this:


Don't be too dismayed when no one messages you.

Tiny Fist of Impotent Rage

You should message me if
You are sick and fucking tired of people online flaking the fuck out and not giving you a straight answer.

Unlike some people I've met on here I will call if I can't make a planned on date and I better have a good reason cause besides illness or death I can't understand why I'd fuck up plans to go somewhere.

If I don't like you I'll tell you. If you ask why you failed to impress me I'll tell you.

I really have no illusions as to why this man is still single.

Snippets from Today's Browsing

These all came from different profiles:

The first things people usually notice about me
My face and my whole body and my earrings

Way to narrow it down there, Sparky. Is there anything they don't notice first?

My favorite books, movies, music, and food
are you fucking kidding me........ask

Damn...and here I thought I was reading your profile to get some information about you. Methinks someone has slightly missed the point.

My Self-Summary
I'M LOOKING FOR A WOMAN WHO MAKES ME HAPPY AND HAS THE SAME LIFE GOALS AS I DO . I LOVE TO TRAVEL AND PLAY SPORTS. I LOVE TO JOKE AND LAUGH. HOBBIES ARE MMA AND INVESTMENTS. I LOVE ANIMALS AND AM VERY CLOSE TO MY FAMILY. I OWN A SUCCESSFUL BUSINESS THAT HAS BEEN GROWING RAPIDLY. I HAVE ONE SIBLING; AN OLDER BROTHER WHO IS AUTISTIC. I AM NOT A BORING PERSON AND FIND FUN IN ANYTHING. I AM CURRENTLY TRAINING HARD FOR A FIGHT IN ATLANTIC CITY AND ENJOY THE EXERCISE.

MMA and...investments? What makes this one give me a headache even more than the undying capslock is that he actually had someone edit this with the OKCupid editing tool...which is doubly odd because that person's profile is actually decent. I mean, were I a guy, I'd hit it.

Er, whut?

My favorite books...
I just finished Blink, which presumes to be about the efficacy of snap judgments. It concludes that you should a) always trust snap judgments and b) never, ever trust snap judgments. There - I just saved you $17.99. You're welcome.

Okay, so that last one wasn't a Rotten Fish; I thought everyone might appreciate the book review.

The Rotten Fish of the Sea: Saving you money that you could have spent on bad books since 2010.

Pedantic Ama Is Pedantic

Maybe it's just the English major in me that twitches when people don't actually respond to the question they're asked, but at least it keeps me from settling, right?

Take my new friend here: he popped up in my local matches, and the first thing I saw was this:

My Self-Summary
i need a woman who still understands what it means to be a woman. treat me like a man and I will honor you like the woman you are.

Forgive me for being pedantic, but that isn't really a summary of him, is it? Well, I guess the second sentence is, sorta, but the first sentence...it's pushing the limit in my opinion.

Even beyond that, what the hell does it even mean, exactly? "Understands what it means to be a woman"? Right now, I think that "meaning to be a woman" is having this pain radiating out of my lower back down my left leg whilst I enjoy other...uncomfortable things...that will last probably three more days.

Though I doubt that he'd want me to tell him about those particular trials and tribulations.

Or is he one of those guys who will tell his daughter that she can be anything she wants to be, but wants his wife pregnant and peeling grapes all the time? I can only assume that "treating him like a man" involves the aforementioned peeled grapes and copious amounts of fellatio.

I think we need some clarification.

Edit, 5/6/2010: One of my friends just informed me that she got this fine fellow in her QuickMatch. Dude gets around, doesn't he!

I'll Just Leave This Here...

I do not know if this profile is for real.

But, working on the assumption that I'm not being punk'd, I'm very, very concerned for the human race.

Very concerned.

My hopes are that his profile is being truthful when it says he has no children, and perhaps that he Darwin himself attempting to join the Guinness Book for largest methane flame.

Capslock Is the Cruise Control for COOL

Tagline: LET THE WORLD BEWARE I AM LOOKING FOR MY QUEEN MY( TIHERY JOSE). TIYPE WHEN I FIND HER IT OVER .SELF MAN MAN I WILL HAVE HER !!

I'm not sure what a Tihery Jose is, or what a "self man man" is, but I'm actually more concerned with the last little phrase there. The "I WILL HAVE HER" one. That creeps me the hell out.

Profile: ALFA MALE SEEK QUEEN MUST HAVE A TASTE FOR LIFE MUST BE WILLING TO WORK HARD AT IT WITH GREAT EFFORD COME GREAT REWARD IF YOU CAN WORK HARD WITH ME ,AND STIL WHERE THE HELL OUT OF A SILK DRESS ON OWER VACATIONS THEN WE CAN WORK I AM BUILDING AN LIFE FOR THE BETTER I JUST NEED ONE GOOD WOMEN .THEN THE WORLD BEWARE NOTHING WILL STOP US!!!!!!!

I have a few questions.

1. Is an alfa male full of hay?
2. I don't know if whereing the hell out of a silk dress is a good idea, even if it is on "ower vacations."
3. He needs one good women. Er, what?

He also lists his profession as a "master weilder/ engineer" which only makes me wonder what he professionally weilds.

Like Sting I'm Tantric; Like Snickers Guaranteed to Satisfy

A while ago, I got a message in my OKCupid inbox that merely said “Hi.” No subject. There wasn’t even actually any punctuation in the original. Annoyed, as this was about the fiftieth (okay, I’m exaggerating) message I’ve gotten where the man in question put in zero effort, I shot back a reply:

This may seem like a strange question, but if you took the time to actually pull up the message sending screen and type out a word, wouldn't it have made sense to actually type a message worth responding to rather than just an uninteresting greeting?

Granted, I responded, but the message itself wasn’t really worth responding to. A moment of weakness, I know. I received the following in response:

I thought an uninteresting word might be better than an uninteresting message. I work as an economist, also go on a weekly radio show as a guest expert. am looking for a compatible companion. Am kind and understanding. i guess the best way to get to know each other is through the phone. Here`s my number, [telephone number redacted].

We all probably have figured out by now how I feel about people throwing their telephone numbers at me. Like I do, though, I took a look at his profile which reads something like Bartlett’s Familiar Quotations, How to Win Friends and Influence People, and The Joy of Sex had an ill-advised ménage à trois.

For example, his “Self-Summary” states

“God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.”

Hillary Clinton

Ignoring the fact that I believe that’s a Robin Williams quote (if he didn’t steal it from someone else—though I doubt that if he did, he stole it from Hillary Clinton), isn’t it generally considered bad form to basically say, “Hi, I’m male, and therefore have no self-control, so if I start humping your leg, just remember that it’s because I think you’re cute?”

Under the “What I’m doing with my life” section, the first thing it says is “Flirting” followed by pretty much what he said in his second sentence in the message to me.

His profile goes on to say that he’s “really good at”

Loving, sexual tension. theorizing. tantric. being childlike.

A man asked a woman, "Would you go to bed with me for $100 million?". She said yes. Then he asked, "would you go to bed with me for 50 cents". She shouted,"what sort of a woman do you think i am". He said "we`ve settled that, we`re just haggling about the price now".

There is one word in that entire bolded bit that is remotely interesting, and it’s not in the paragraph where he basically says that every woman’s a whore.

I am somewhat concerned, however, by the fact that the gentleman purports to be an economist, yet under the six things he could never do without he has “An investment in sex pays the best interest. Benjamin Franklin.” While he did manage to cite the correct person this time, I can’t help but wonder if he thinks the quote is six words or that it translates into

1. Sex
2. Sex
3. Sex
4. Sex
5. Sex
6. Sex

Either way, I’m pretty sure he isn’t the brightest bulb in the box if only because the next section reads “I spend a lot of time thinking about if I could have any woman in the world, would looks matter?”

The best part about being messaged by this fine example of masculinity is that today I got another message from him. This one just reads “Interested?”

I'm so charmed.

Channeling Flatulence for Fun and Profit

He does WHAT to art?

His profile also says that he's really good at "writing absurdist literature," which I am disinclined to believe given the off the scale reading I got on my Tryingtoohardometer.

The Intimidator.

Got this one late last night.

I WILL TRY THIS , YOUR PROFILE IS A LITTLE INTIMIDATING . BUT MAYBE IM NOT YOUR TYPE. I KNOW YOU DNT WNT KIDS BUT THERE ARE GOOD MEN OUT THERE AND SOME OF US DO HAVE KIDS. YOU SEEM BITTER

Wow. You are not making friends, buddy. Shout at a girl, state the obvious, then call her bitter.

And the irony in the matter? In his profile, he gets indignant about how "most women want a black or latino man now," like it's a "fad," and one day they'll "open their eyes" and realize white men are just as good. But he's not bitter! I am. Of course.

I also didn't realize that the ability to string more than three words together in a coherent, grammatically-correct sentence made me "intimidating." I'm sorry, should I say "like" more and twirl my hair around my finger? Does that make me, like, more approachable? (Insert hair twirl here, and a gum pop for good measure.)


So this was my response:

First of all, no need to yell. You might want to turn off your caps lock. It's off-putting.

I'm not particularly fond of kids and don't want to be a parent or in a parental role. It's just my preference. And those good men that have kids can just be good for someone else.

You don't know me or what I've been through, so maybe, if I'm bitter, I have a reason to be. However, I don't feel that's the case. I just know what I want.

And you're right - you're not my type. Good luck.

I was much nicer that I could have been. I'm clearly getting rusty.

Do you understand the words coming out of my fingers?

This eloquent gentleman sent me an IM last night.


mrilliterate: what up
me: hello.
mrilliterate: u have yahoo or aol
me: yes.
mrilliterate: add me

Uh, excuse you. Don't tell me what to do. And we're talking here. What's the rush?


me: why would I do that?
mrilliterate: to talk more
me: and how do I know I want to talk to you?
mrilliterate: lol
me: oh, great answer.

At this point, I'm wondering if he can even comprehend sentences longer than two words...


mrilliterate: how do i look
me: is that supposed to be the deciding factor?
mrilliterate: k

That's...not an answer.


mrilliterate: what u think of my profile
me: haven't read it. I'm unimpressed with the sentence fragments I'm seeing here thus far.

He doesn't know what that means.

Then just when I thought he was gone...


mrilliterate: u read it yet
me: yes.
mrilliterate: what u think
me: what do you think I think?
mrilliterate: idk
me: did you read MY profile? because then I think you'd know.

He's a hardcore Christian, and he's into things like four-wheeling and NASCAR. He mentions he had to have someone type out his profile for him so that it was comprehensible. Oh, and he lives 1000 miles away. No thanks.


mrilliterate: no
me: oh, so I'm expected to read yours but you can't give me the same courtesy? that's nice of you.
mrilliterate: nice

He's reminding me of someone who is clearly not listening when someone else is talking, so they pick out key words and repeat them to make it appear as if they're paying attention. Those nineteen words were obviously TL;DR for him.


me: I'm pretty sure you just sent me an IM because I have boobs.
mrilliterate: no
me: then why if you don't even know what I'm about?
mrilliterate: just u was on and your pic was cuite
me: same thing.

First of all... "You was"? That makes me twitchy. And second... I really, sincerely do not understand this. We have online dating profiles so that we can learn something about a person first and not waste their time talking when we're not compatible. Unless I'm wrong and "your pic was cuite" is enough upon which to base a relationship.


Thankfully he got the hint after that. Oy.

Also, He Is Single, Easy Going, and Gentle

I woke up one morning, and had this waiting for me in my inbox:

Hiya,

How are you? You are truly a beautiful woman, and it would be my privilege to be able to talk with you and get to know you more If intrested please add my ID: shanxxxx@yahoo.com or shanxxxx@gmail.com. Thanks

-Shan

And, for a moment, I thought, "Well, that's kinda cheesy, but cute in a way, so let's take a look at his profile because the last thing we want to do is to make snap decisions, yeah?" So I looked.

I have a theory, and one that may be totally off-base, but I have this theory that he's looking for someone who's sincere, loyal, honest, and doesn't play games. I also get this feeling that she has to have a great sense of humour because he's very sarcastic and she has to be able to keep up.

But that's just this sort of feeling I have. No idea how I could have come to that kind of notion, though.

Bitchin' About Bitches!

Hi all what's up I'm bored and sick of meeting dumb girls at the bars. They always turn out screwed up in some way. I hate clingy whiney girls. I like a girl that knows what she wants and goes out there and gets it . I'm adventurous I love the outdoors and riding my motorcylce

Problems as I see them:

1. That's his entire profile.

2. He spends over half of his profile complaining about women.

3. Knowing what one wants and going out to get it is not mutually exclusive from being dumb, screwed up, clingy, or whiney (sic).

4. I have no idea what a motorcylce is, but I imagine it's some kind of prehistoric amphibian.

I LOVE YOU RALFY

Without further ado, let me bring you Ralfy:

Wus up peoples my name is ralfy im half puertorican an dominican.Im born an raised in New York,i am a Building Inspector/Firefighter/Hairdresser and soon to be a Police Officer.As you can see I like to work,well i should say i like the money but who dont.I have a 6 year old daughter who is my life I LOVE YOU MAMA!!! I like to be in the outdoors doing basicly anything like hunting, fishing ,camping going four wheeling etc.........I dont know what else to say other then im looking forward to meeting some new people.

I like this profile. It's full of surprises. It lures you in with the possibility of normality, then SPINS right around into the strange. I've never met a building inspector/firefighter/hairdresser/police officer before.

However, I am also slightly concerned about the juxtaposition between telling us his daughter is his world and this sudden capslock ridden shout of loving his mom. I'm left with two choices: either he has familial ADD or he calls his daughter Mama. Both may be equally bizarre.

But I love the run on sentences; the possibilities for what any of those phrases could mean are almost endless depending on where I choose to put in the punctuation.

For instance, I think "Ralfy Im Half Puertorican An Dominican" is one helluva name. It would NEVER fit on any of those standardized test fill-in-the-bubbles-with-your-name sheets.

This is a man who could never take the SATs.