Deja view.

Back in July, I encountered this guy. Form message, pornstache, way too old, possibly a con artist.

He's now on OkCupid, and he found me again.

First he sends me this:

ode to evaluate,how's AA kenya gourmet coffee....you & me at my custom home,down a ways on parker st.,assuredly you'd have nothing to fear,I'm an esteemed buisness man,and,homeowner.b n touch for phone # and dir.Peter.

"Ode to evaluate"? Huh? His dislike of the space bar is frustrating me.

In situations like these, I wonder if it might be slightly amusing to get an address, then send a large man over in my place. Or a coyote. Because I can do that.

Then, five minutes later, I receive the following familiar message:

I think if you saw me in person you'd say woaw,he's attr. & in good shape though a triathalon is just the kind of fitness level I lack,elyptical,bowflex,etc,I am usually occupied in...my muse would be appealing to me,as I have a 1200 sq. ft. gym in my home,perhaps I can entice you with one day,however,I liked your ad & I think, feel ,demonstrate & represent a much younger and energetic gentlman,generally I enjoy the company af a younger gal,as my stamina & endurance are a drive only the young can appreciate,so love your attitude & look....call me sweetie and lets see how well we relate to one another.Peter two three seven ninety sixty one,so b n touch
Where,Personality,Charisma & Emotion,shine through...I certainly,speak forwardly,open & honest,I am an outgoing gentlman with Style,Class,and consider myself a kindred soul.I am open to new idea's,and enjoy exploring local destinations of interest...........creativly caring for my home inside and out,operating my buisness's and living healthfully,takes up lots of time my two daughters are a great part of my life though now both high schoolers,they are far from an oppressive tie and are usually off on their own....so I'm searching for that special gal,with........yes,a heart of gold,to share my time with.relaxing fully and fully being active,it seems we could enhance each others life,as I am ready to settle down with the right gal,bye for now

It's a little longer than the last time, but just as poorly written and, frankly, kinda creepy.

I want to know if any women responded to this. Honestly. But judging by the fact that I've seen this message twice on two different dating websites...I'm guessing that's a no.

A Little Weirdness for Your Saturday Night

I am not entirely sure why this guy decided that he'd IM me again after I hadn't responded the first time, but luckily for all of us, he caught me when I was sitting at my computer. Here are some choice snippets from our conversation.

Mistaken Identity
HolyMexicoBatman: do you speak spanish as well?
Me: nope
HolyMexicoBatman: don`t mind if i became in your spanish tutor..
HolyMexicoBatman: hey it will be a great aventure to have one beautiful spanish girl as an estudent

Nowhere in my profile does it say I'm Spanish; not even a tiny bit. If people do try to guess my ethnicity, it's usually Irish because I have blue eyes. They don't even guess Italian and that's what I am.

Leaps of Cognizance
HolyMexicoBatman: are you seeing someone at this point?
Me: not at the moment
HolyMexicoBatman: mmmmm are you ready to letting a mexican to treat you like a princess
Me: i'm not sure.
HolyMexicoBatman: hey... remember spring and a lot of rain is coming..
HolyMexicoBatman: won`t you be gladd to have a big sombrero as an umbrella

Were I not single, would I be on a dating website? If a tree falls in the woods, but no one was around, would it make a sound?

Cyrano? Please Let It Be Cyrano
HolyMexicoBatman: ...wish i could find some one like you
HolyMexicoBatman: so on a good beautiful nite with a brightfull moon serenate you
HolyMexicoBatman: and of course to admire the splendid beauty of yours?

My outer beauty is only eclipsed by my inner beauty...and my penchant for posting the ridiculous things men say on my website.

Non Sequitur FTW!
HolyMexicoBatman: what was for breakfast today?
Me: yogurt
HolyMexicoBatman: mmmmm yummy..
HolyMexicoBatman: then you`ll must be a sweet lady
HolyMexicoBatman: possibly
HolyMexicoBatman: love to experience that while having my senses together

WHAT?! I am so confused. Maybe he'll start making sense at some point...

No, Wait; Still Confused
HolyMexicoBatman: when will be my lucky day when a girl like you go out with me on a date..
HolyMexicoBatman: lots of ice cream in the middle of the green meadow..
HolyMexicoBatman: just a though!!

I guess not...though now I'm having visions of hillocks made of mint ice cream. Or green mochi. Mmm...green tea mochi...

Literacy: A Lost Art.

I'm off from work today and managed to get all my errands done before noon (trust me, no one's more surprised about that than I am). So I'm just hanging around, watching a little Maury, waiting for the throngs of eligible men to send me messages.

But instead...I get this.

ykantireed: nice hair color
me: uh... thanks?
ykantireed: u welcome

Seriously, that's your opening line? Okay.

me: is...that all you have to say?
ykantireed: not really u cute too
me: okay then.
ykantireed: what do u do for fun?
me: did you read my profile or just look at the pictures?
ykantireed: no i did nor read your profile
ykantireed: nice lips

There are few things that annoy me more than a conversation based solely upon superficial observations. Superficial observations about anything. Small talk about the weather; statements such as "I like pie"; or a man's pathetic attempts to compliment my appearance, thinking that earns them points in my arbitrary scoring system. This is even more bothersome in the context of online dating, when I've typed multiple paragraphs of candid information about myself, so that a potential mate may learn something about me before initiating a conversation. This does not happen.

me: nice to know I put the effort into writing that just so it can be ignored.
ykantireed: i see u write a lot ab out your self
me: yeah, so I can avoid being asked stupid questions. it obviously doesn't accomplish that.
ykantireed: that's true

You're agreeing with me...as I'm clearly talking about you. Oblivious much?

me: yeah, anyway... was that it?
ykantireed: u have a cute cat

Now, I love my cat. But come on.

me: great, more stuff about the pictures.
ykantireed: so what do u up too
me: being annoyed by the people who send me IMs.
ykantireed: oh sorry about that i'm disturbe u?
me: wouldn't be so bad if anyone had actually bothered to learn something about me before they started a conversation.
ykantireed: u right about that

Again...you're agreeing. Okay.

ykantireed: can ask what is your name?
me: ...seriously?
ykantireed: yes
me: it's the FIRST LINE of my profile.
me: you can't even read the first line?

My name is literally the second word in the text of my profile. If you can't get that far, we're not a good fit. In fact, I'd prefer to sequester you on an island with others of your kind, and perhaps force sterilization upon you.

I'm five for five this afternoon on "men who don't give two shits who I am and only care what I look like." Why is it I bother again?

I Long for Thee, My Pendulous Parakeet

My desktop is technically my gaming machine, so I generally have my headphones plugged in so that when I'm chatting on Ventrilo with my other WoW delinquents, I'm not bothering the neighbors on the other side of my wall. The upshot of this is that when I'm not gaming, I tend to not have my headphones on and thus I don't always hear when someone IMs me.

Luckily for me, my lack of a response didn't particularly bother this gentleman:

(7:23:13 pm): im impressed by your beauty
(7:23:23 pm): so natural.. how about your heart!!
(7:23:38 pm): hope you have a very humble heart
(7:25:01 pm): i want to conquer that heart of yours sexy butterfly
(7:25:34 pm): just wondering do you speak another language
(7:25:36 pm): ?
(7:26:54 pm): that smile that cat and that humbleness of yours makes me understand the need to admire you
(7:27:01 pm): sincerely..
(7:27:14 pm): again thanks for being one beautiful girl..
(7:27:34 pm): and please have a great night of good relaxing sleep
(7:27:51 pm): adios bellissima principessa

For the record, because his profile mentioned he's Latino and that he doesn't have the best English, I asked my BFF how to say "sexy butterfly" in Spanish just to see if maybe, maybe it just didn't translate well.

No dice, but this is pretty hot...

(source: http://tattoos.niima.us/tag/butterfly-tattoo/page/2)

...so thank you, Google, for that.

Irrational is as irrational does.

I've been unenthralled with online dating as of late, hence the absence. But this guy made me laugh (in a "wow, you're psychologically messed up" way), so I had to share.

He sent me an IM last night. (I'm not obscuring his name in any way. It's stupid too.)

KISS-ME-FIRST: hi
Me: hello.
KISS-ME-FIRST: nice cat
Me: yeah, she's pretty cool.
KISS-ME-FIRST: yeah i like black cats especially during halloween
Me: I like her all the time. if I only liked her once a year, I'd be a bad pet owner.
KISS-ME-FIRST: i use to have a cat and a dog
Me: I had a dog for a while, too.

And that was it. Was I impressed? No. But I probably would have continued the conversation.

Then he sent me another IM about a half hour ago. It's snowing here in Connecticut today, so most people don't have to go to work. I, unfortunately, do.

KISS-ME-FIRST: hey, wanna hit the casino?
Me: I have to work today.
KISS-ME-FIRST: how about tonight
Me: ...I do work tonight.
Me: I'm not going anywhere with a stranger anyway.
KISS-ME-FIRST: you're not spontaneous at all. boring, i bet you just sit there like a little prissy on a date. not what i want. do me a favor delete your account, because your just wasting space on here.

Wow. Okay, maybe I could see that reaction if I insulted him. I just said I didn't know him. Which, uh...I don't. Because a five minute conversation isn't really enough to not call someone a "stranger."

Me: and tell me where I said I was spontaneous again? because I never did.
Me: sorry, I don't know anything about you, and I'm not going anywhere with you after a half of a conversation. if that's "prissy" to you, so be it.
KISS-ME-FIRST: i know one thing for sure you are WORTHLESS!
Me: lol, okay, thanks. you're too kind.

Really, dude? That's a meaningful world for someone with such a small brain to be using.

Me: if you think you're hurting my feelings, you're severely deluded.
KISS-ME-FIRST: WHAT A LOSER. OK-CUPID DELETE THIS RETARD
Me: delete me for...? being cautious and not liking YOU? yeah, that's valid.
KISS-ME-FIRST: i Guess i can pray that you come to your senses and delete your account ant do man kind a service

Yes. I'd be doing mankind a service by deleting my online dating profile. I'm betting, by his logic, we can eliminate world hunger with a single Facebook status update. Why haven't we done this?!

Me: are you really wondering why I won't meet you? really? look at your behavior.

I had to contain myself, because I really wanted to follow that with, "Look at your life! Look at your choices!" Oh, Sassy Gay Friend... Ahem, anyway.

KISS-ME-FIRST: listen i dont need a mommy. please do the right thing get lost
Me: such a classic reaction to rejection. congratulations.

He's acting like a petulant child. I think he might actually need a mommy...

KISS-ME-FIRST: obvious, YOU'VE NEVER WENT ON ADATE WITH A REAL MAN THEN. bye RETARD

Classy.

And that was the amusing start to my snowy day.