As seen on TV.

I did a silly thing and subscribed for another month of Match.com. It was at 25% off. I like a sale.


Anyway. This was the first email I got. Let us bear in mind that my age limit is 38, and this man is 47, first of all.

wow......................I think if you saw me in person you'd say woaw,he's attr. & in good shape though a triathalon is just the kind of fitness level I lack,elyptical,bowflex,etc,I am usually occupied in...my muse would be appealing to me,as I have a 1200 sq. ft. gym in my home,perhaps I can entice you with one day,however,I liked your ad & I think, feel ,demonstrate & represent a much younger and energetic gentlman,generally I enjoy the company af a younger gal,as my stamina & endurance are a drive only the young can appreciate,so love your attitude & look....call me sweetie and lets see how well we relate to one another.Peter two three seven ninety sixty one,so b n touch

My thoughts:

1) This is the absolute worst form message I've ever seen.

2) Wow, way to make this all about you. Your overly-inflated ego is so hot.

3) "Entice" me with your gym? Thanks for calling me fat.

4) Yes, that is his phone number. I don't even care anymore.

5) His profile picture looks like it was taken at Sears Portrait Studio, and he has a pornstache.


Upon viewing his profile, more nuggets of fabulousness.

1) The headline: "ISO sexy moxie cosmo jib.I'm most interested in the person,their experience,their outlook,and the depth of their compassion,integrity." ...pardon?

2) He signed his message with "Peter," but says his name is "Bill" in the profile text.

3) He stresses how much he would like to video chat with women he meets.

4) The words "zestful mensch" are used.

5) I really think I saw a Dateline NBC special on this guy, and he's a con man. Just sayin'.


The real problem here? Deciding what witty remark I shall use in reply.

Sexy Lips

June 4, 2010
Random: sexy lips
Me: i'm sorry?

July 18, 2010
Random: sexy lips
Me: i'm sorry; what?

At least he's consistent with his openings.

Random: lol
Random: sexy lips
Me: o...kay.
Random: o.... sorry next time i will say no wonder your single.

You heard it here first. It's no wonder I'm single because I don't respond favorably when a person IMs me with nothing but an adjective+body part.

Me: i'm not the one who randomly IMs people with strange phrases without context.
Random: and i am not the one who gets all you can eat buffets closed down

A veritable bastion of class and maturity, this one.

I messaged him back that he was the one who messaged me first, but alas, he'd already signed off. For shame.

Feline fail.

I have pictures my of cat on my profile, like all aspiring crazy cat ladies should. And I mention in there that she's 14 and my best friend. Because it's true.

I got this message earlier.

hey i had my cat for like 11years now

Well, that's great. It really is. But what's your cat's name? What's he/she like? Come on, now. I call my cat my best friend in my profile. That means I want to hear everything.

Something's wrong with you when you can't even pick up a woman who spends all her time with her cat. Just sayin'.

Sexual Fantasies: The New Icebreaker

Super Hero: hi
Me: hi

Classic!

Super Hero: so here is a question as far as an icebreaker lol
Me: okay.
Super Hero: hypothetically...
Super Hero: would a guy with a fantasy out of a comicbook be too geeky? lol

LOL, I don't know, LOL. But, hey, my profile says I read too much and play World of Warcraft, so obviously being "too geeky" is a huge concern.

Me: i suppose it would depend on the comic book and what the fantasy was.
Super Hero: oh I see lol
Super Hero: mine would probably make you laugh lol
Me: would it?
Super Hero: well lets just say I like a strong type of woman with a bit of a dominant side lol

But who is it, man?! Is it Wonder Woman or Catwoman? Were any of the Lanterns women? Is it some obscure comic book character no one's ever heard of but you?

Oh, wait, I know. It's Dr. Manhattan, isn't it? You coy sonovabitch.

Me: that's very descriptive.
Super Hero: true vague enough though so as not to be blushing ;-)

Sigh. I need to get my sarcasm notifier re-tuned.

And, no, even in the course of the rest of the conversation, I never found out which comic book fantasy was his; he just apologized profusely for some insult he thinks he gave me, but I couldn't quite figure out.

All he's missing is the rimshot.

This is what's supposed to pass for amusing and interesting conversation, apparently.


haha: Yo
me: hello.
haha: What up?
me: nothing. you?
haha: Driving home
me: oh, that's safe.
haha: Like you've never done it
me: text and drive? at a red light.
haha: Who says I'm not
me: that's a lot of red lights.
haha: Too many
haha: Here's another.
haha: When did 84 get all these?
me: there's one red light on 91. legitimately. there are none on 84.
haha: Guess I'm hallucinating.
haha: What's that turtle doing here?
haha: Honestly, I'm stuck in a jam
me: oh. I see.
haha: Some accident.
haha: Exit 40. Look it up.
me: nah.

Are you riveted yet?


haha: I just wanna go pass out
me: me too.
haha: At work?
me: nope.
haha: So why not?
me: I dunno, there's some dude trying to talk to me.
haha: Shall I let you go?
me: either that or start getting interesting.
haha: Hey. That's hardly fair. I'm stuck in traffic.
me: and that's not interesting.
haha: No need to be a snob about it.
me: I'm...not?
haha: You are actually.
me: well everyone's entitled to an opinion.
haha: And I think you're acting like a snob for my limited conversation due to my current location not meeting your standards. If I'm not "interesting" enough, I don't see you dropping any Mark Twain shit into this discussion.

Hold up a second there, Shecky. Didn't you IM me? Why do I need to be Mark Twain? I was content, y'know...not talking to anyone.


me: if you had nothing to say, why did you send me an IM?
me: burden of maintenance is on you. you started the conversation.
haha: Says the 21st century woman.
haha:Unreal.

Um...huh?


me: nice job trying to twist it into something it's not.
me: you wanted to talk to me. you're not really talking.
haha: I've said a lot more than you. In fact, this imaginary turtle has said more than you.
me: "I'm in a traffic jam." oh yeah, so many places to go from there.
haha: You could've said anything. I was trying to be humorous. If you're that numb to comic relief, no wonder you're single.

Can't possibly be that it wasn't funny because you're trying too hard. Nope.


me: I just didn't find it funny.
haha: And what sort of wit amuses you, Grumpy McWetblanket?
me: the kind that isn't forced.
haha: It wasn't. I naturally am like this.
me: then apparently I don't find you funny.
me: life will go on.
haha: But not this conversation. Good luck finding some dude dumb enough to look past that telephone pole cemented in your anus.
me: way to be a dick just because I'm not falling all over you. I'll be just fine, thanks.

I love how they always pretend they're the one that wanted to end the conversation.

The irony in all this is that this guy bills himself as a stand-up comedian. I can say for certain I will not be buying tickets to his shows.

I'm not sure I'm clear on your intent...

Generally, I appreciate people who are direct. In this instance...not so much.


Hey how are you? I want to have lots of rough dirty sex with you. Then get you pregnant.

...well then. I guess at least he asked me how I was first.


My reply:

I'm celibate and infertile, sorry.