Scatting in the New Year.

Happy 2011, kids. It's not exactly a Rotten Fish, but here's an uplifting Missed Connection to start things off.


To the woman who took a shit in the Northampton parking garage. - m4w - 38 (NewYearsEve. )

Yeah, this can only be going to good places.

I mean, come on!

It was like 50 paces to the nearest restroom!

I sat there in my car wondering what the hell you were up to - you spent at least 2 minutes scurrying around your parked car, looking to see if the coast was clear. I thought you were going to, like, break into someone else's car or something. Then I guessed you thought you were "safe" and hurried to the front of your car, near the third level stairwell, dropped your pants, squatted and WENT TO IT!

Anyone else picturing this? It's a little hilarious. Just a little.

For Christ's sake, woman! All the time you spent looking out for passing cars so no one would see you crapping like a dog in public, you could have hustled your lazy ass downstairs and into the building and USED THE DAMNED RESTROOM!

Sheesh!

You tell her! That's disgusting!

Anyway - if you're free later, drop me a line. I was never more turned on in my life.

...oh. Interesting turn of events. The outrage was a great misdirection.


So why is this uplifting? Because love can truly be found anywhere. Even while you're taking a shit in a parking garage. Someone for everyone, happens when you least expect it, sometimes it smells really bad, yada yada...

Best of luck to all in the coming year!

Pre-Marital Hanky Panky!

Him: when was your last realtionship
Me: guy i was sorta dating just decided yesterday that he wanted to be just friends, actually.
Me: but it hadn't been going on that long.
Him: awww
Him: so wasnt' a long term?
Me: no
Him: when was last relationship
Me: ended jan 2009
Him: wow, so no hanky panky for almost a year?

I can't decide which of the following is the worst part:

1. That he assumes "hanky panky" only happens within the confines of a serious relationship (or at least that it does for the womenfolk).
2. That he thinks a year is a long time to go without "hanky panky."
3. That he used the phrase "hanky panky" unironically.
4. That Jan 2009 to now is "almost a year."
5. That he lives in a world where that is an appropriate question to ask someone he's just met and is considering dating.

Knowledge and the Pursuit of Happiness

Humans are curious creatures. Without this curiosity, this thirst for knowledge, the modern marvels we take for granted would never exist. There are so many great questions out there that have been asked...

If Columbus hadn't asked "Think we can get to India if we sail west from here?" we'd all still be living in Europe. If the Wright brothers hadn't thought, "Do you think we can build something to fly in?" there would be no air travel as we know it today. If that one guy hadn't had a really clumsy wife who kept cutting herself, we wouldn't have Band-aids, but he asked himself, "What can I do so that she doesn't keep bleeding all over the linoleum?"

Then there are questions that shouldn't be asked, questions that make the questioner look like a complete douche, questions that make the questee hit the desk with her forehead. Like this one:

(8:39:21 pm)R****: How come no bf yr cute

There is truly no good answer for this question, but let's consider some responses.

• Because no one's asked me.
• Because I'm secretly a man.
• Because I'm a crazy bitch.
• Because, like, there's this guy, yannow, and I'd, like, really like him to be my boyfriend, yannow, but he, like, is in, like, a bad spot in his life, and, like, it's just not working out, yannow, but, like, maybe something good'll happen, yeah? *gum snap/hair twirl*
• Because I'm overwhelmed by the number of quality men on this site, I can't decide on just one.

Don't forget about commenting for our giveaway or I shall be very sad!

Sexy Lips

June 4, 2010
Random: sexy lips
Me: i'm sorry?

July 18, 2010
Random: sexy lips
Me: i'm sorry; what?

At least he's consistent with his openings.

Random: lol
Random: sexy lips
Me: o...kay.
Random: o.... sorry next time i will say no wonder your single.

You heard it here first. It's no wonder I'm single because I don't respond favorably when a person IMs me with nothing but an adjective+body part.

Me: i'm not the one who randomly IMs people with strange phrases without context.
Random: and i am not the one who gets all you can eat buffets closed down

A veritable bastion of class and maturity, this one.

I messaged him back that he was the one who messaged me first, but alas, he'd already signed off. For shame.

I'm not sure I'm clear on your intent...

Generally, I appreciate people who are direct. In this instance...not so much.


Hey how are you? I want to have lots of rough dirty sex with you. Then get you pregnant.

...well then. I guess at least he asked me how I was first.


My reply:

I'm celibate and infertile, sorry.

I Don't Want Clever Conversation, Never Want to Work that Hard

Silly me thinking I could turn on the OKCupid IM client and think that someone worth talking to would IM me. The first guy said, and I quote

Him: sexy lips
Me: i'm sorry?

He didn't say anything more after that, but I checked out his profile, and it says, "My perfect match would be someone who can keep up with me , someone smart, fit, cute, playful and driven... resulting in a very strong power couple :)"

Just the phrase "resulting in a very strong power couple" disturbs me deep within to the cockles of my heart.

The second guy just started off with this onslaught:

Hi, my name is [redacted] and i'm a good guy with a big heart. I am looking for someone who like to held hands, go for walks, out to dinner, see a movie, or spend a night dancing. I am looking for someone who likes affection and wants me to make her feel special.

While I am not opposed to any of those activities, it's a lot of information on one IM, right? But he continued...

Dude: i like you
Dude: i want to meet you and hang out with you and go uot with you
Dude: as a friend and a girlfriend to date me

I really have not the words. This is getting a little too hot and heavy for me too quickly. Next!

Feets: i have got backpain today
Me: that's no good! why?
Feets: been on the chair for long time
Me: ah
Feets: ur feet r free the now ?
Me: my feet?
Feets: yeah
Me: they aren't in shoes, if that's what you mean. lol
Feets: lol
Feets: no
Feets: i nee dur feet to trample my back

What...what? Okay, I am so over this. I don't care that it's not even nine o'clock yet. I am SO going to bed.

My new profession?

This one - 46 years old, by the way - and I had spoken once before. All he wanted to know was whether I got aroused watching men masturbate and if I'd ever had an orgasm. I told him I wasn't answering that, and he should be on his merry way elsewhere. But alas, he returned. And I was none too pleased.


porny: I see you are having a hard time breaking out of your current employment position
me: a lot of people are. and?
porny: Have you considered the adult industry?
me: no.
porny: There are great oppurtunities
porny: A lot of money can be made

Apparently it's now considered perfectly normal and polite to open a conversation with, "Oh, you're looking for a job? I think you should do porn."



me: unless any of them include staying fully clothed, no thanks.
porny: well some do
me: and there are so many adult companies here in CT, right?
porny: Well for instance, massage can be done clothed
me: that's...not really an adult industry.
porny: Yes, unless you are willing to do hand releases
me: yeah, I don't really like touching people, so no.
porny: phone sex is another possibility

And as a regular consumer of such things, you'd know.



me: is there a point to this? because from where I sit, you're just hoping it'll lead to dirty talk, and that's not going to happen.
porny: no not at all
porny: from where I sit, I think attractive women should take advantage......make some money
me: I have no issue with women who choose to do so. it's just not my thing.
porny: well, you are very attractive...thought you would want to take advantage of it

Now, forgive me, but I must go off on a tangent. Why do men assume that all women desire to use their sexuality to get ahead? I've had more than one guy say he doesn't understand why I don't just flash my boobs to get what I want. Gee, I dunno... Maybe I want to earn it with my brain? Because I do have one of those, y'know.



me: do you remember talking to me before?
porny: no, did we?
me: yes we did.
porny: Oh, sorry don't recall
porny: hope you enjoyed it
me: I didn't like your line of discussion then, and I don't like it now.

And he went away. But he'll be back. They always come back.

This Post Starring David Bowie's Area

OKCupid has a feature called "Icebreaker" wherein it gives you a topic and a "mystery match." You write out your little message about the topic and it sends it off to about three other people who supposedly have that interest also.

I received one today with the subject "pans labyrinth." The entire body of the message?

bowie balls. :D

Now, anyone who's seen Labyrinth is probably very familiar with David Bowie's Area, because it pretty much is the biggest star in the movie. The biggest...anything...in the movie, actually. So there's really no doubt to what, exactly, my mystery match was referring.

Except that the movie Labyrinth is VASTLY DIFFERENT from the movie Pan's Labyrinth.

One's sort of a fantasy word where a girl is searching for her baby brother who's been kidnapped, and one's REALLY FUCKING FREAKY.

And includes no Bowie balls. At all.

So to you, mystery match: failsauce.

Just lie there.

This one seemed literate. I wasn't as skeptical as I usually am.

We exchange our pleasantries, and then he says:

demanding: hmm i'm not sure we're very compatible according to your questions and answers :p

To which I wanted to reply, "Then why did you even IM me?" But I, y'know...didn't. Instead we talked it out.


demanding: you'd let your partner have sex with someone else if they had a fetish to satisfy? :p
demanding: like the biggest fetish i can think of is an amputee
me: that was a tricky one for me.
me: I don't necessarily think sexual infidelity is the same as emotional infidelity, so that might not bother me if it was JUST sex.
demanding: well they are different i agree
me: I'm not into open relationships or anything like that, though. as soon as I saw it was more than superficial, I'd be gone.

This was why we were incompatible? Really?


demanding: well in any case i have a pretty high sex drive and I'm a fairly demanding partner
me: oh. well congratulations on that.
demanding: yeah we're not that compatible :p

Note that I actually said nothing about my own sex drive there. But I will now.


me: it completely boggles my mind that you'd go there right away.
me: that right there tells me something.
demanding: my ex wife used to just lie there
demanding: I'm not going through that again

Whoa, TMI. Didn't need to know that about your ex wife, pal.


me: so wait a minute...
me: you send a total stranger a message on an online dating site, and your first thought is, "I wonder how the sex would be"?

He had no response to that. Too bad. I really wanted to know how that approach worked out for him.

SWM LF FWB

And then one morning, I woke up to this message in my inbox:

hey [my handle], would you be interested in friends with benefits

Do I respond with

A. While I appreciate your upfrontedness, I'm going to have to pass.
B. I am always interested in friends with benefits, just not with you.
C. Wouldn't that require that we be friends first?

I am really wondering, though, if this approach has ever worked in the history of ever. Does anyone know?

Jugs.

I had the misfortune of being away from the computer for this one.


realwinner: u look like u have amazing jugs...

...really, dude? Really? I'm not sure if that offends me on principle, or simply because people still use the word "jugs."


realwinner: i guess your not talkative, but i just wanted to give you a compliment. havea nice day.

Oh yes, that's quite a compliment. Making a creepy comment about my breasts.


And then about three hours later, when I was also, sadly, away from the computer...

realwinner: sorry about the comment about your breasts before. i didn't mean to offend u.

Well, uh...at least he apologized. Hopefully my unintentional silence will tell him that's not exactly the best way to approach a woman. Which is probably much nicer than what I would have said to him had I been present.

Too Much Honesty, Part III: The Thrilling Conclusion

And now, the end to my conversations with Honest. The last thing I said on our last conversation was simply “lol.” A few hours later, he IMed me again.

Honest: eh?
Honest: hi

I’m guessing that he walked away before he had read my final message. We exchanged some pleasantries, and then he said,

Honest: missed talking to you

Uh, what? That’s strange considering he was the one who stomped off in a schoolgirl huff.

Honest: wanna snuggle?

Well, that was quick.

Then he asked me what my OKCupid name was because he forgot to save it, but never fear that we strayed into normality for too long because where there’s a will, there’s a way…

Honest: wanna make love?
Me: you are quite persistent.
Honest: ?
Me: i feel like you've asked me that before.
Honest: well i want to
Me: so i gathered.

At this point, I began to seriously consider multiple personalities or extreme marijuana use. Then, I thought, “No, he can’t not remember that we talked earlier today,” but then he asked me if I was a virgin…which…he’d already asked me previously, so…I’m thinking MPD, but they’re all the same personality.

Honest: and you do too but woried out being used

Let’s consider this for a moment. If I’m worried about being used, on what earth would the best approach be to just keep asking me to snuggle and “make love?”

Honest: talk to me
Honest: i'm not going to use or hurt you
Me: that is nice of you to say.
Honest: whats your deal??
Me: about what?
Honest: why are you so hard to get a real reply out of
Me: what real reply would you like?
Honest: a real one
Honest: not cold or removed?

I have not the words.

Honest: talk to me
Me: about what?
Honest: hellooo
Honest: wake up
Honest: snap out of it
Honest: talk to me

I think, perhaps, he wants me to talk to him.

Me: about what?
Honest: .......
Honest: nevermind bye
Me: ta!
Honest: i cant stand people with nothing interesting to say

I thought he was leaving…but, since he opened up that can of worms…

Me: are you kidding me?
Me: your entire repertoire has been "i want to make love" and you're telling me i have nothing to say?
Me: please.
Honest: i actualyl asked you to talk to me a bunch
Honest: and fuck you

Which is exactly what he’d been trying to do for the duration of our conversation, and it still hadn’t worked, so I’m wondering if he was trying a more direct approach or if he was trying to be insulting. Gah, I can never figure out men.

My response, again, was “lol,” and…you guessed it…about an hour later, he responded with “?” Rather than start up another conversation and have this continue on to Part IV, I responded with something like “oh, you’re back again?” I think he got the hint.

But if any Psychology majors (or amateur psychologists) want to explain to me what just happened, I’m all ears. ;)

Return of IRMEDD420

What I neglected to mention in this post was that our good friend IRMEDD420 actually did IM me later that day. You remember IRMEDD420, right? He CAN BE A VERY SEXUALLY DOMINANT MAN and you should message him if you don’t mind that he doesn’t have a car. Now that we’re up to speed…

Because I am, at heart, a nice person, I talked to him for a while. Here are some choice snippets:

IRMEDD420: which pic is mosr recent?
IRMEDD420: most*
Me: the one at the top with the headphones.

Implied text: Y’know, the one labeled “November 2009” whereas the other two are labeled “May 2009” and “April 2009.”

IRMEDD420: i would love to take you out
Me: why's that?
IRMEDD420: cause your sexy lol
Me: well, that's a given. :P

Don’t look at me like that; you know I’m sexy.

IRMEDD420: you like a dominant guy?
Me: i suppose it depends on what he's dominating at.
IRMEDD420: in a sexual way

I gave him an out! Did you see that? I gave him an opening to not be creepy AND HE DIDN’T TAKE IT.

IRMEDD420: i bet your body is nice
Me: it has its moments.
IRMEDD420: i wish i could see your ass

If wishes were fishes, my friend.

IRMEDD420: you wanna go out tiffany?

Either he has more than one conversation going or he’s taking me out to buy some expensive jewelry. I’d go if it were the latter.

Me: to tiffany?
IRMEDD420: sorry that was another i/m comp keeps fucking up
IRMEDD420: i want to take you :)
IRMEDD420: out*
IRMEDD420: lol
IRMEDD420: [telephone number redacted, though I was tempted to leave it in hopes someone would prank him]

Yes. Yes, he did just give me his telephone number. If only it worked like that with that cute guy over there.

Me: pretend you're me for a minute. some random dude ims you and says he wants to take you out. you know nothing about this person. why would i want to put myself at risk like that?
IRMEDD420: are you attracted to me? i'm attracted to you i've made that quite clear

What I’m gathering from this is that because he finds me attractive, we should go out. I’m guessing that works on some girls, but considering he called me another girl’s name, I’m disinclined to acquiesce to his request.

Means no.

IRMEDD420: [gives his number again]
Me: do you think you're more likely to take me out if you speak to me?
IRMEDD420: yes
Me: why's that?
IRMEDD420: idk if you dont wanna i wont beg
Me: indeed.
IRMEDD420: so whats the decision woman?
Me: i'm gonna have to pass.

Seriously? He’s not going to beg, but he gave me his number twice? If that’s not begging, I don’t know what is. :P

I also wish he'd actually answered my question. Why would speaking to him make it more likely that we'd go out?

I AM AN AVERAGE GUY

I was laying in bed, snuggling with my kitten, and listening to my roommate rant about something or another when I got an IM from someone on OKCupid. I asked my roommate to lean over and see who it was. He told me it was someone with the handle…

No, wait, I’m not going to out the poor guy. Suffice it to say that it was something to the effect of IRMEDD420. To quote my roommate, “Yeah, putting 420 in your screen name just shouts out that you might have a problem.”

I responded with “I’m tempted to talk to him just for some fodder for my blog,” but ultimately decided that kitten snuggling was more important.

After I finally got up, I did go look at his profile, just to make sure I wasn’t passing up a once-in-a-lifetime chance. Here are my favourite parts.

My Self-Summary
I AM A VERY EASY GOING GUY. I'D LOVE THE OPPURTUNITY TO MEET A NURTURING EDUCATED WOMAN. I'M YOUR AVERAGE GUY, WITH SHORT BROWN HAIR, AND LIGHT GREEN EYES

What I’m doing with my life
TAKING SOME TIME OFF FROM SCHOOL WHILE I TRY TO DECIDE WHAT I WANT TO STUDY

Neither of those would cause me pause by themselves, but juxtaposed like that in a single profile…especially one with “420” in the handle…well…I’m looking in my crystal ball and I’m seeing something that starts with an M and ends with OOCHER.

I’m really good at
LEARNING, ADAPTING, EMPATHY, COMPASSION, I LIKE TO THINK I'M DECENT AT THEM ALL

He is also characterized by judicious use of the CAPSLOCK key.

The six things I could never do without
BESIDES OBVIOUS THINGS LIKE AIR AND WATER? MY SANITY, MY FAMILY, MUSIC, TV, LOVE

That would be five things besides the obvious. I’m going to go ahead and fill in WEED as the sixth, just to round it out.

The most private thing I’m willing to admit here
I CAN BE A VERY SEXUALLY DOMINANT MAN

Is it any surprise to you that he lists himself as being 5’5? No? Didn’t surprise me, either.

You should message me if
YOU DONT MIND THE FACT THAT I DO NOT HAVE A CAR

Not “if you like what you see” or “if you enjoy SCUBA diving” or “if you’re bored,” but if I mind that he doesn’t have a car? Also, my moochalarm suddenly went into overdrive.

The Application

I wish I could make this kind of thing up because then…then I could look myself in the eye every morning and say, “Yes, the world is a beautiful place, but I will add some smattering of the bizarre into it and everyone will marvel at my total lack of connection with reality.”

Tagline: I pretty much have the coolest birthday. Ever.

That is actually interesting and made me think “Oooh, that’s a pretty cool approach. I wonder what ‘the coolest birthday ever’ IS.” So then I went all clicky-click on his handle and found this as his profile:

GIRLFRIEND APPLICATION

Copy and paste this into an email, fill it out, and send it back if you'd like to know more about me. Feel free to include references.

First Name:

Age:

Height:

Hometown:

Current town:

Did you go to college? If so where?:

What do you do for a living? Do you like it?

Describe your idea of a perfect day.

There's an unseasonalby warm Saturday in November, say 80 degrees. We had no set plans all day other than to hang out with one another. What would you like to do?

Write a few words below telling me why you think you would make a good girlfriend.

Buh-wah? Girlfriend…application…? Girlfriend application. An application to be his girlfriend? A. Girlfriend. Application.

I could chalk it up to a joke if he had then gone on and described himself. Or perhaps described himself first, but no. That's it. That's his entire profile.

I have not the words.

Is this what Craig intended?

Ever since Amadei showed me You Suck at CraigsList (which was yesterday, so I've clearly been ruminating on this long and hard), I thought the winners of CL deserved some attention here, as well.

First of all, let me say... I've posted several CL ads. And my responses are generally of questionable quality. But looking through the first page of CraigsList Hartford M4W LTR section has wrought...this.


This man fancies himself a poet.

HERE I LAY MY HEAD TO REST BUT ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT IS SOME NICE FIRM BREAST.. ,NICE AND PINK AND PINK DOWN LOW.. ,BUT DEFINATELY NOT PURPLE LIKE SOME FREAKIN HOE.. ,IVE SEARCHED THE BARS FROM NORTH TO SOUTH..,JUST TO FIND MYSELF GET SLAPPED IN THE MOUTH,..

Can't imagine why. In addition to being a pig, you're also yelling at them.


SPONTAINIOUS AND FUN IS ALL I DESIRE,..BEING KINKY AND PLEASURABLE WOULD JUST SET ME ON FIRE..,BEING PURE AND SWEET , BLONDE AND PETIT.., I WOULD LICK YOU THEN DICK YOU WITH MY BIG FUCKIN MEAT..,

Maybe it's just me, but the idea of being "dicked" with "meat" is not something I find appealing...


AFTER THATS ALL SAID AND DONE..,I WOULD NOT STOP UNTILL I MADE YOU CUM..,BEING HONEST AND SINCERE AND SAFE AS CAN BE..,I WOULD THEN UNTIE YOU AND THEN SET YOU FREE..,SO IF YOUR INTERESTED STILL AND LIKED WHAT YOUVE HEARD..,JUST GIVE ME A CALL AND SAY THE WORD..,WE COULD START SLOW AND BE DISCREET,.. YOU DONT HAVE TO TELL YOUR HUSBAND YOU JUST GOT SOME MEAT..,

But what if she went to the butcher shop? What if she just wanted to make dinner?


IM 6 FEET WHITE AT 175 SO HAPPY IM HERE AND STILL ALIVE,AT A NICE YOUNG AGE OF JUST 35..,AND YET I DONT HAVE A COLLAGE DEGREE..,IM STILL FUNNY AS HELL AND WILL MAKE YOU PEE..,

No "collage" degree? But everything is spelled perfectly and your grammar is impeccable!


NOT UGLY AT ALL BUT STILL IM ALONE..,I STILL HAVE TO DO SOMETHING WITH THIS BIG FUCKIN BONE..,THROBING AND THRUSTING LIKE SOME FREAKIN NUT ,I PROMISE TO BE NICE AND NOT CALL YOU A SLUT.!!!!!!!!!!

Oh, well, if you're not going to call me a slut, that makes it all better.


And now we have Mr. Run-On and his Band of Cliches.

hello thanks for taking the time well a little about me im a one woman type man seeking my partner in crime a best freind a confedon a lover i only have room for one love i hope your the one some one

Say the word "one" one more time. See what happens.


to make our escape plans for the border with some one to wisper sweet nothings to as lightly kissing there neck smelling her hair watching the fire cant wait to well u know thats the kind of love im seeking the i cant wait to see yous typ

This guy has been watching way too many movies. And poorly transcribing their scripts.


im genaraly a very passionate guy realy sweet and true but im also a mysterious man the one who makes u wounder i have blond hair blue eyes im a 180 5/9 white male with a little edge very clean cut but u can tell im not your average joe the one u love to hate and the one u hate to love cant help urself thats me a great protecter of whats mine iv earned it.

He's just everything, isn't he? That must get tiring.


i have a few battle scarse mostly on my heart and some visable for your eyes only well if you think u can handle the wise guy type then give a text or email text me a sweet nothing or mail one whatever

I have to ask... What is a "sweet nothing"? Sounds like the equivalent of empty calories to me. The bagels of love. I don't want that.


I can't hate on this guy that much. At least he has command of the English language.

Do you live a secret life? Are you the type of female that no one would ever suspect to fuck strangers? Do you like to lose control with someone you dont know? Do you get wet even on the drive over to their house because of the excitement?

If you answered yes to any of these questions you may be a sex addict. My cock is the cure. Email me.

The only thing is... I don't think he's being sarcastic.


Ladies and gentlemen... The men of CraigsList! They're here all week.

Over before it began.

Just like if one is dating in the "real world," the approach is incredibly important. Of course, when online, men are far more willing to say crazy shit because it won't get them kneed in the junk. Here are eight of the worst opening lines I've had used on me.


(10:23:24 pm): so heather i see your a atheist

Really? Right away? Here's a tip: Religion is not an opener, my friend. Especially when coupled with bad grammar.


(2:14:17 pm): why dont you be my judge on webcam, I have a new underwear lol

"A new underwear"? Just the one? That's disappointing. And what am I judging? If I don't like the underwear, will he return them? So many questions...


(7:33:02 pm): hi want to talk about panties

Interestingly enough...no. But I'm thinking this guy should get together with the guy above, and they can rate one another's undergarments all night long.


(1:35:07 am): damm that is a very sexy rack
(1:36:06 am): guess u hear that alot lol

Dating sites have things like "winks" and "nudges." Why isn't "virtual slap" an option?


(3:51:35 am):yo
(3:52:09 am):u like bein on ur knees?

Not particularly. I'd much prefer if you offered me a chair.


(11:50:12 pm): Do you happen to know how to check blood pressure?

Is this an emergency? Hold on, let me give you the number for 911...


(1:42:14 pm): omg ur so sucha girl ewwwwwwwwwwww

Okay, this was after I'd told him off in a previous conversation, so it was a re-approach. But I still have no idea what it means.


And here's a personal favorite, and how I'd like to start every conversation from now until the end of time:

(3:10:41 am): Heya, toots. What is the scent of your feet at present?


The moral of the story: Stick with "hello," gentlemen. Please...just stick with "hello."