I looking for beauty woman.

It's probably a little wrong to poke fun at the obviously illiterate, but...well, here we are.


hello beautifully

Beautifully what? You can't just put an adverb out there like that with no follow-up...

I was check out your profile and I see that you are very attractive woman. I would like to get to know u in more detail if u give me the time.

Okay, so verb tense isn't his thing.

I am going to tell you about my self. My name is Jeffrey. I am current single and look for a woman who is single too.She have to be serious and fun.You have to nice personality. I am look for long term relationship that is serious. I am look for somebody that is trust worthy compassion and understand and high computability.

"Computability"? Am I a calculator?

I also want somebody that can hold a conversation. I am a easygoing gut that like to have fun. I have a lot of hobbies. I am a very successful guy that will try to reach any goal that I set In life. I am a good guy that like to listen to what u have to said. I am easy to talk to about any thing.This is a opportunity to meet a serious fun love easy going guy. I am not here to waste your time or my time.

1) Hold a conversation? Huh. Okay.
2) Haha, he said he's an "easygoing gut."
3) Time has been wasted. I demand a refund.

I here to looking for the right woman to build a long term successful relationship with. If u are truly interest you can look at me profile and learn more about me.If u are truly u can content me at ********@yahoo.com or text me at **********. Hope to hear from u soon take care

To "content" him sounds a little bit too serious at this point in the relationship. I feel like we need to slow down.


I give him some credit: It was more than one sentence. So, y'know...B- for effort.

Sexy Lips II: Groundhog Day

Today, rather than sit at home, surfing the Internet for hours on end, I decided to venture out into the real world. I had a package to mail, so I went to the post office, and while I was there bought stamps, then eventually made my way to Borders with the intention of writing out the postcards to various people around the world, but ended up talking to my friend Mike and surfing the Internet.

Of course, along with Facebook and gmail, OKCupid had its own tab on my browser window. I was halfway through writing a postcard when I noticed the tab was flashing.

Oh my God.

He did try and spice it up a bit this time, though. This IM said, "sexy lips/". That little forward slash makes all the difference.

His profile's changed a little bit since that first time, too. Now the highlight is in the "You should message me if" section:

your not a loser.
you dont lie.... sad to say 70% of the girls on here lie so much its too funny they must just want attention anyway they can get it.
no druggies too

I love it when people automatically assume I'm a liar! Woo hoo! :P

But Tonight, I Can Be Whatever You Want, Baby

This isn't really a rotten fish, per se, but I'm boggled none-the-less, so I thought I'd share.

My profile, at the moment, says this:

I'm a technical writer at a call center who writes procedures for the people taking calls, though recently, I seem to be spending a lot of time in meetings.

So a fellow from Brazil IMed me. Asked me my real name. Asked me what I was looking for on the site. Then he asked, "R U really a technical writer?"

...

I'm sort of bemused, to be honest. Is that something that people normally lie about? I mean, if I were going to lie about what my job is, I'd be a doctor or a lawyer or an astronaut or heir to the Winchester gun fortune or something.

But a technical writer? Really?

Simple demands for a simple mind.

Found this winner on CraigsList.


not into sugar coating things and after the last 12 hours i've had i've just come to terms with what i need

i want a girl who loves metal....IS racist....loves to drink regardless time of day....doesnt play games...has a good job and/or knows what she wants to do in life....wants a relationship, or just some fun...and some great sex

White only...NO girls OVER 135lbs...tats & piercings are a plus....age doesnt matter but i love YOUNGER than me...doin outdoors stuff is fun too but not a neccessity to like it on ur part...I dont care what ur religion is (if u have one) but im an athiest so dont push your B.S. on me

IF you fit that description, then we already have a lot in common

I've got a great job that is really beneficial (you'll see why if you ask me) and a great car. I'm above average height and im definately in shape.

SEND A PIC OF YOURSELF BEFORE YOU CAN SEE A PIC OF ME


I bet he's getting a ton of responses. From women without teeth.

I Don't Want Clever Conversation, Never Want to Work that Hard

Silly me thinking I could turn on the OKCupid IM client and think that someone worth talking to would IM me. The first guy said, and I quote

Him: sexy lips
Me: i'm sorry?

He didn't say anything more after that, but I checked out his profile, and it says, "My perfect match would be someone who can keep up with me , someone smart, fit, cute, playful and driven... resulting in a very strong power couple :)"

Just the phrase "resulting in a very strong power couple" disturbs me deep within to the cockles of my heart.

The second guy just started off with this onslaught:

Hi, my name is [redacted] and i'm a good guy with a big heart. I am looking for someone who like to held hands, go for walks, out to dinner, see a movie, or spend a night dancing. I am looking for someone who likes affection and wants me to make her feel special.

While I am not opposed to any of those activities, it's a lot of information on one IM, right? But he continued...

Dude: i like you
Dude: i want to meet you and hang out with you and go uot with you
Dude: as a friend and a girlfriend to date me

I really have not the words. This is getting a little too hot and heavy for me too quickly. Next!

Feets: i have got backpain today
Me: that's no good! why?
Feets: been on the chair for long time
Me: ah
Feets: ur feet r free the now ?
Me: my feet?
Feets: yeah
Me: they aren't in shoes, if that's what you mean. lol
Feets: lol
Feets: no
Feets: i nee dur feet to trample my back

What...what? Okay, I am so over this. I don't care that it's not even nine o'clock yet. I am SO going to bed.

A Brief Conversation

Me: "My name is mike....I read ur bio and I liked it..Seemed really honest.....I just joined match 5 hours ago and trying it out....lol....Lets see I am fun and funny and nice..... .....I have not posted pics due to a strict workplace deal ..However If u want I can send a few to u .. I look good too !!
Ur job is close to what I do....I am on the phone alot and work in sales....Do u like ur job ??"
Heather: reply with, "ugh, stop. just stop."
Me: i should reply with "that's nothing like my job."
Heather: "it's like my job in that involves a phone. like many jobs."
Me: except for the part where i hardly use my phone. that part may be key.
Heather: but you have one, right? it's so the same.
Heather: at least he's not a prostitute. or maybe that'd be better.
Me: a prostitute might know what he's doing...

I also prefer men who don't abbreviate three letter words, but now I'm just being picky.

It's also a little weird that he called me honest because I'm pretty sure he's messaged me before today, despite having joined match only five hours ago.

He works hard for the money.

Prior to this, the conversation was normal. We exchanged pleasantries, and he said he liked the picture of my cat. Then he awkwardly switches gears.


richfireman: iam firefighter Emt
me: I am...not.
richfireman: what do you do for work
me: retail.
richfireman: cool

Let's note that I haven't changed his chosen name that much; "fireman" is in it. So there wasn't a whole lot of doubt as to what he does for a living. Nor should there have been doubt about my occupation, since I mention it very clearly in my profile.


richfireman: i see you like to play pool
me: eh, yeah, I don't do it often.
richfireman: would like to play sometime
me: well I'm sure I'll play again eventually.

Would [I] like to play sometime? As someone who enjoys pool... Yes, yes I would. This is a silly question. At least I'm assuming it's a question, as it lacks the proper punctuation.


richfireman: i would like to ask you out on a date sometime if thats ok with you
me: it's fine if you ask me. but I'm going to say no.
richfireman: whys that
me: well I don't know enough about you to determine whether I want to consider that.
richfireman: thats ok
me: it's okay that I might not want to consider it? yes, it is.

Yeah, dude. Like I really needed your validation to say no. So I guess the next part was an attempt to share more about himself.


richfireman: so i work a lot
richfireman: my pay for this week is about 200 dollars

I...just... LOL. Is that supposed to impress me? I work a part-time retail job and make more than that. And lemme tell ya, it isn't even close to being enough. I don't really care how much money he makes, but I would like to know in which happy universe he lives where this is a lot of money. And if there are vacancies. But instead I told him I didn't really need to know that information, and...he had nothing else to say.


As I said on Twitter... I continue to be baffled by just how awkward people are online. Not good at face-to-face interaction? Great, neither am I. But why do 75% of these people seem like they just escaped from a cave and haven't spoken to a human being in years?

Capslock Is the Cruise Control for COOL

Tagline: LET THE WORLD BEWARE I AM LOOKING FOR MY QUEEN MY( TIHERY JOSE). TIYPE WHEN I FIND HER IT OVER .SELF MAN MAN I WILL HAVE HER !!

I'm not sure what a Tihery Jose is, or what a "self man man" is, but I'm actually more concerned with the last little phrase there. The "I WILL HAVE HER" one. That creeps me the hell out.

Profile: ALFA MALE SEEK QUEEN MUST HAVE A TASTE FOR LIFE MUST BE WILLING TO WORK HARD AT IT WITH GREAT EFFORD COME GREAT REWARD IF YOU CAN WORK HARD WITH ME ,AND STIL WHERE THE HELL OUT OF A SILK DRESS ON OWER VACATIONS THEN WE CAN WORK I AM BUILDING AN LIFE FOR THE BETTER I JUST NEED ONE GOOD WOMEN .THEN THE WORLD BEWARE NOTHING WILL STOP US!!!!!!!

I have a few questions.

1. Is an alfa male full of hay?
2. I don't know if whereing the hell out of a silk dress is a good idea, even if it is on "ower vacations."
3. He needs one good women. Er, what?

He also lists his profession as a "master weilder/ engineer" which only makes me wonder what he professionally weilds.

Like Sting I'm Tantric; Like Snickers Guaranteed to Satisfy

A while ago, I got a message in my OKCupid inbox that merely said “Hi.” No subject. There wasn’t even actually any punctuation in the original. Annoyed, as this was about the fiftieth (okay, I’m exaggerating) message I’ve gotten where the man in question put in zero effort, I shot back a reply:

This may seem like a strange question, but if you took the time to actually pull up the message sending screen and type out a word, wouldn't it have made sense to actually type a message worth responding to rather than just an uninteresting greeting?

Granted, I responded, but the message itself wasn’t really worth responding to. A moment of weakness, I know. I received the following in response:

I thought an uninteresting word might be better than an uninteresting message. I work as an economist, also go on a weekly radio show as a guest expert. am looking for a compatible companion. Am kind and understanding. i guess the best way to get to know each other is through the phone. Here`s my number, [telephone number redacted].

We all probably have figured out by now how I feel about people throwing their telephone numbers at me. Like I do, though, I took a look at his profile which reads something like Bartlett’s Familiar Quotations, How to Win Friends and Influence People, and The Joy of Sex had an ill-advised ménage à trois.

For example, his “Self-Summary” states

“God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.”

Hillary Clinton

Ignoring the fact that I believe that’s a Robin Williams quote (if he didn’t steal it from someone else—though I doubt that if he did, he stole it from Hillary Clinton), isn’t it generally considered bad form to basically say, “Hi, I’m male, and therefore have no self-control, so if I start humping your leg, just remember that it’s because I think you’re cute?”

Under the “What I’m doing with my life” section, the first thing it says is “Flirting” followed by pretty much what he said in his second sentence in the message to me.

His profile goes on to say that he’s “really good at”

Loving, sexual tension. theorizing. tantric. being childlike.

A man asked a woman, "Would you go to bed with me for $100 million?". She said yes. Then he asked, "would you go to bed with me for 50 cents". She shouted,"what sort of a woman do you think i am". He said "we`ve settled that, we`re just haggling about the price now".

There is one word in that entire bolded bit that is remotely interesting, and it’s not in the paragraph where he basically says that every woman’s a whore.

I am somewhat concerned, however, by the fact that the gentleman purports to be an economist, yet under the six things he could never do without he has “An investment in sex pays the best interest. Benjamin Franklin.” While he did manage to cite the correct person this time, I can’t help but wonder if he thinks the quote is six words or that it translates into

1. Sex
2. Sex
3. Sex
4. Sex
5. Sex
6. Sex

Either way, I’m pretty sure he isn’t the brightest bulb in the box if only because the next section reads “I spend a lot of time thinking about if I could have any woman in the world, would looks matter?”

The best part about being messaged by this fine example of masculinity is that today I got another message from him. This one just reads “Interested?”

I'm so charmed.

Too Much Honesty, Part IV: Are You Curious About the Epilogue?

There I was, minding my own business, when an IM window popped up.

Honest: hi
Me: hello.
Honest: how are you? :D
Me: good & yourself?
Honest: well :D
Me: good to hear!
Honest: :D

Considering we parted on not so friendly terms last time, I was wary. Then I remembered that this man has the memory span of an epileptic goldfish and knew I'd probably, at the very least, get a post out the conversation.

Honest: mmmmmmmmmmmm
Me: mmm?
Honest: mmhmm
Me: is that a happy mmm?
Honest: mmhmm
Honest: wanna make out

It's like death, taxes, and my friend Honest. I am curious to know if this ploy has every worked for him in the jefftyjeff years he's been using it. I decided, however, to go the clueless route.

Me: that would be somewhat difficult considering we're on two ends of a computer.
Honest: well i meant would you like to
Me: in general, yes, i am a fan of making out. with you specifically, i do not know.
Honest: hmmm :p
Me: just bein' honest!
Honest: no need to explain <3

It occurred to me during this last conversation that I've been assuming this whole time that he doesn't remember that he talked to me before, but what if he's thinking the same thing about me? What if he thinks I don't remember us ever talking before? What if it's like some sort of Möbius strip of me thinking he doesn't remember me him thinking I don't remember him me thinking he doesn't remember me?

I'm still voting for MPD, though.

Edit: Oh, and I almost completely forgot to mention! I checked OKCupid's IM logs and apparently he's IMed me not once, but TWICE when I was away from the computer in the past month. Bizarre.

Driving: A Useless Gesture

This came after I, again, was insisting that I don't just randomly meet people for the first time at their houses.

Driven: i don't drive
Me: why?
Driven: do i need a reason
Me: no. i was just wondering.
Driven: it's a useless gesture
Me: driving or wondering?
Driven: driving
Me: why?
Driven: how many cars do you see on any given road at any time?
Driven: answer: too many
Driven: how many people die because of automobile?
Driven: too many
Driven: how many gallons of crude oil need pumped from the ground to fuel all of these things?
Driven: too many
Driven: it's disgustingly excessive

Well...okay, then...I'll just take my little driving-enjoying-self and go over here to guzzle some more crude oil.

But At Least We Could Talk About It...

This is the first message I got on OKCupid that made me go "Huh?"

From: [handle redacted, even though I really wanted to leave it as it only adds to the WTFery]
Subject: Hello Brutally Honest

Hi Did you ever just what to shake your parents up ? If yes you should email my back ... By me showing up with a breed ... and old-enough to be your father and some ... we can shake up the world ... I love to travel ... have a motorcycle ... I'm great at canoeing and looking forward canoeing the John Henizs Nature Center near Phil. ... If you reply we can at least talk about it ... ha ... lol ... thanks ... HUGS Howard ... ex New Yorker in Pa

His major selling points include

• the opportunity to "shake my parents up"
• being the same age as my mother
• having much skill with a canoe
  
• being a "breed," and
  
• many ellipses.
  

I know you're all jealous and in SHOCK that I didn't message him back...but being an ex-New Yorker? That's such a dealbreaker for me.

This is why we do not talk about boobs.

This guy had IMd me several times prior. The first time, he was a little creepy, but meant well. So I talked to him for a while. Then he got creepier, like calling me by my full name after Facebook-stalking me, and constantly asking me if I was talking to other guys, so I tried to get rid of him. But that was in July. He's gotten a bit more direct since then, it would seem.

weirdguy: hey
weirdguy: nice cleavage there - flaunt it
me: ugh.
weirdguy: just stating facts'
weirdguy: but yes - i guess i need to get laid soon to - right?
me: how would I know?
weirdguy: looking at the pic and noticing only the cleavage perhaps is a giveaway?
me: that just makes me think you're kind of an ass.
weirdguy: all men are - lookss like you never had one to know that

You all saw that I didn't start that, right? He brought it on himself, then decided to go for the low blow when I didn't like his approach. I totally didn't start that.

me: well that's a very nice thing to say.
weirdguy: only as nice as you are
me: if you say so.
weirdguy: just said it - didnt i?
me: "if you say so" does not imply doubt as to whether you actually said so.
me: you're not very good at this.
weirdguy: does evince a marked degree of compositional activity
weirdguy: that tends to have a rhythm
weirdguy: however, checkered by incompetence
weirdguy: correct - not very good at this

LOLWUT? Someone got a new "word of the day" calendar.

me: and what is it you're after?
weirdguy: friends with benefits
me: you won't get it here.
weirdguy: figured that out when i knew you didnt understand men
me: what I don't understand are generalizations. that's all.
me: and for the record, you either have a brain, or at the very least, a thesaurus. lead with that rather than comments about a woman's tits and maybe you'll get a better response.
weirdguy: no point in wasting my time there
me: well it's unfortunate you feel it's a waste of time.

What a chore, showing a potential partner you're more than a penis with limbs. I mean, what good could potentially come of that? Booooring.

weirdguy: what to do - not getting anywhere with this
me: you should have figured that out before you even sent me a message. we've talked before, you were still an ass then, and I was still uninterested.
weirdguy: women turn around when they have not had a man in their lives for a long time - guess not you

So I'm supposed to finally get so sick of being alone that I lower my standards just enough to be with the likes of you? And again with the generalizations.

weirdguy: good luck with your life
me: lol, okay. back at ya.
weirdguy: i am all set for now - thank you - bye bye
me: try not to IM me again, thanks.
weirdguy: sure - will "try" not to

Ten bucks says I hear from him again. Because they never remember they've talked to you before, no matter how horribly it went. And despite the fact that the site saves all your chat logs and shows them in the current IM window.


And here's a short but confusing exchange from last night.

40somethingdude: you need to be an older man.........
me: why would I want to be an older man?
40somethingdude: duh????
me: I'm afraid I don't understand what you're getting at.

Is this reference to my "gay man in a straight woman's body" comment? His profile said he was straight, so that would make no sense. Did he mean "be WITH an older man"? He should have caught that when I didn't get it. I just... I don't know. Perceptive, this one.

I LOVE YOU RALFY

Without further ado, let me bring you Ralfy:

Wus up peoples my name is ralfy im half puertorican an dominican.Im born an raised in New York,i am a Building Inspector/Firefighter/Hairdresser and soon to be a Police Officer.As you can see I like to work,well i should say i like the money but who dont.I have a 6 year old daughter who is my life I LOVE YOU MAMA!!! I like to be in the outdoors doing basicly anything like hunting, fishing ,camping going four wheeling etc.........I dont know what else to say other then im looking forward to meeting some new people.

I like this profile. It's full of surprises. It lures you in with the possibility of normality, then SPINS right around into the strange. I've never met a building inspector/firefighter/hairdresser/police officer before.

However, I am also slightly concerned about the juxtaposition between telling us his daughter is his world and this sudden capslock ridden shout of loving his mom. I'm left with two choices: either he has familial ADD or he calls his daughter Mama. Both may be equally bizarre.

But I love the run on sentences; the possibilities for what any of those phrases could mean are almost endless depending on where I choose to put in the punctuation.

For instance, I think "Ralfy Im Half Puertorican An Dominican" is one helluva name. It would NEVER fit on any of those standardized test fill-in-the-bubbles-with-your-name sheets.

This is a man who could never take the SATs.

Just what I always wanted.

This is the kind of thing one is faced with on Valentine's Day weekend.


(9:35:09 pm)IAMLAME: well here is a virtual rose for you... @--->>---
(9:35:20 pm)me: ugh, no thanks.
(9:36:01 pm)me: that's cheesy.
(9:36:19 pm)IAMLAME: yeah I kinda agree it is cheesy
(9:36:27 pm)me: then...why do it?
(9:36:30 pm)IAMLAME: but If I could give real roses, trust me I would
(9:36:38 pm)me: real roses are cheesy, too.
(9:36:46 pm)IAMLAME: not why u say that?
(9:36:59 pm)IAMLAME: its the thought that counts..dont all girls love flowers
(9:37:17 pm)me: no. I know a lot of girls who actually don't want flowers, and I'm one of them.
(9:37:32 pm)IAMLAME: ok then what do you like to recieve?
(9:37:46 pm)me: nothing.
(9:38:02 pm)IAMLAME: what about cards?
(9:38:07 pm)me: no.
(9:38:25 pm)IAMLAME: wow, your hard
(9:38:53 pm)me: I just don't want people wasting their money on meaningless things.

Bear in mind this guy is thirty-six years old. If he doesn't know by now that not all women can be easily bought with flowers and cards, there's really no hope for him. And what man that age gives out virtual roses? I wanted to virtual vomit on him.


(9:44:36 pm)IAMLAME: happy belated birthday
(9:44:45 pm)me: um...it was almost a month ago. heh
(9:45:04 pm)IAMLAME: thats why I said happy belated
(9:45:33 pm)IAMLAME: belated is a week after. once you're past that, don't say anything.
(9:46:02 pm)IAMLAME: damn you are hard on me.. lol
(9:46:36 pm)me: just calling you out for trying too hard.

Are you serious? That's like wishing someone a Merry Christmas at the end of January. You wouldn't do that, so why would you wish me a happy birthday a month later? Oh right, I'm supposed to think he's "thoughtful" and "sweet." Of course.


(9:59:25 pm)IAMLAME: so what kinda things can I ask you, that you wont think is a wate of time, or cheesy?
(9:59:49 pm)me: I don't know. try something.
(10:00:42 pm)IAMLAME: what do you like most about liberal arts?
(10:00:59 pm)me: wow... that's a really dumb question.
(10:01:16 pm)IAMLAME: :)
(10:01:36 pm)me: no, you shouldn't be smiling. really.
(10:02:01 pm)IAMLAME: well I can
(10:02:27 pm)me: you can. but you shouldn't be.

My profile says I have a Liberals Arts degree. If one knows what "Liberal Arts" is, they know there's really nothing to like about it in this economy. Which leads me to believe this guy has no idea. And who asks that?


(10:05:28 pm)IAMLAME: do u text
(10:05:35 pm)me: yes.
(10:05:50 pm)IAMLAME: I love texting
(10:06:35 pm)IAMLAME: verozin or att&T
(10:06:48 pm)me: there are other cell phone companies.
(10:06:57 pm)IAMLAME: yeah but out of those two
(10:07:05 pm)me: in reference to what?
(10:07:13 pm)IAMLAME: which u prefer
(10:07:31 pm)me: um.. how am I supposed to know that if I've never used one or both?
(10:07:49 pm)IAMLAME: fine whos your cell provider
(10:08:20 pm)me: why does it matter? unless you're looking for advice on switching carriers.
(10:08:40 pm)IAMLAME: no I switched from Verizon to AT&T
(10:08:55 pm)me: then why does it matter who I'm with?
(10:09:26 pm)IAMLAME: it dont,
(10:09:42 pm)me: ...then why are you asking?
(10:10:11 pm)IAMLAME: I find u interesting
(10:10:30 pm)me: and that's what you want to know about me? my cell phone carrier? um, okay.
(10:11:27 pm)me: this keeps getting more lame.

I'm guessing this was about to segue into "let's text each other," but...no. Sorry. And apparently I'm to deduce from this that my most interesting characteristic has absolutely nothing to do with me, but everything to do with my wireless plan. Nice.


(10:12:09 pm)IAMLAME: is your name Asia?
(10:12:21 pm)me: did you read my profile?
(10:12:31 pm)IAMLAME: I glanced at it
(10:12:39 pm)me: that explains a lot.

And there you have it. This is the attentive man we've all been looking for, ladies!


It'd be nice if men got smarter as they got older. It is apparent that's not the case.

Unsent.

On occasion, though I'm typically not afraid to mock the stupid, I will refrain from unleashing my bitchery on some unsuspecting moron. I know, it's hard to believe. But I do, sometimes, hold my tongue.

Had I felt like putting forth the effort, these are the responses I would send to some recent winners.


I got this one last night. "ur cutee how r u>" (It's also important to mention the subject line was "hryy.")

What, exactly, are you trying to say here? Are you dictating to your dog or something?


I'm assuming this was in reference to my profile, in which I say I think I'm a gay man in a straight woman's body. "So does that mean that im A Homosexual ?????"

No, it means you are B Homosexual. And your ? key appears to be stuck. Alternately: Yes, it means you are a homosexual. And, as a female, I find dating male homosexuals to be problematic. So I'm sorry, I don't think it's going to work out.


This seems fine on the surface... "I came across your profile, thought you were cute an just wanted to say Hi. Plus i love your smile!"

Nice form message, jackass. I'm not actually smiling in any of my pictures. How many of these did you send out tonight? 10? 20? Maybe one of them will think they're special.


This guy sent me two separate messages in the same night. First: "I'm always on. Wanna talk? I always have something to say. I'm bored." And four hours later: "I'm not creepy... But I am bored. If you could change something about yourself, what would it be & why?"

Either you're incredibly persistent or you're sending a message to every woman in a twenty-five mile radius and you forgot you'd already gotten to me. And by the way, that question? Is creepy.


Totally out of nowhere... "Hi I'd really like to talk but my Internet is screwing up. You should call me 518XXXXXXX."

You do realize you just sent me this...on the internet, right? Also: No.


...why didn't I reply again?

Me and Mr. Perfect.

(Warning: Long.)

This guy is one of my favorites, because he brought the crazy for me not once, but twice. So yes, there will be another installment.

(Irrelevant or excessively lengthy parts have been edited out. His screen name is also not "mrperfect." And I apologize for his atrocious spelling.)

First of all, he shared this informational assault at the beginning of the conversation, completely umprompted.

(1:44:28 am)mrperfect: nice to meet you great pic im just drinking beer and watching tv
(1:45:45 am)mrperfect: yeah you got a great look going on I work in th emedicla field and a union job for 8 yrs
(1:46:46 am)mrperfect: I workout, like mma and drag racing
(1:47:45 am)mrperfect: I eat workout and like to travel
(1:48:07 am)me: uh, cool
(1:48:49 am)mrperfect: thanks I love attention and like when a women is touchy feley
(1:49:14 am)me: okay...
(1:49:21 am)mrperfect: I own a house next tot eh mohegan sun casino

That is...fantastic. But I didn't ask. Soon after...

(2:04:15 am)mrperfect: we should meet for dinner
(2:04:21 am)me: um..
(2:04:26 am)me: not after 10 minutes, sorry
(2:04:49 am)mrperfect: ok we will chat till you fall asleep
(2:05:04 am)me: I wouldn't be so certain about that.
(2:05:24 am)mrperfect: umm I would everyone else gives me their number
(2:07:00 am)mrperfect: want to call one
(2:07:14 am)mrperfect: ill give you a number
(2:07:24 am)me: no.. I don't want to call anyone

What is this, a job interview? I don't give a shit about your references.

(2:16:02 am)mrperfect: I bet i can get more numbers than you
(2:16:27 am)me: I bet I don't even want to be involved in that competition.
(2:16:32 am)mrperfect: leave you with nothing haha
(2:16:50 am)mrperfect: you still be on here in 5 more years
(2:17:15 am)me: it's worth it if I meet someone who doesn't just want to fuck me.
(2:17:36 am)mrperfect: I dopnt want to fuck you
(2:17:47 am)mrperfect: who said I want to fuick you
(2:17:52 am)me: feeling's mutual.
(2:18:02 am)me: just saying... that's over half of the people that talk to me here
(2:19:14 am)me: Im selctive im in shape ex model
(2:19:47 am)me: and you're really modest, too

Please. If you didn't want to fuck me, you wouldn't have asked to meet me right away. You're just upset I turned you down. Evidence...

(2:22:40 am)mrperfect: youll be on here forever
(2:22:59 am)mrperfect: with your awkward thinking
(2:23:08 am)mrperfect: thinking I wan to fuck you
(2:23:23 am)me: um, I never said you.
(2:23:23 am)mrperfect: wehat do you think your the hotest here
(2:23:38 am)me: did I say that?
(2:23:44 am)mrperfect: your soem kind of model uinder 20,000 a year
(2:23:55 am)mrperfect: yeah everyone wants you
(2:24:04 am)me: wow... you're just an immature asshole. way to go.
(2:24:06 am)mrperfect: well ose the attitute your not all that
(2:24:17 am)mrperfect: i ve been arounda ll that
(2:24:20 am)me: didn't say I was.
(2:24:22 am)me: neither are you.
(2:24:26 am)mrperfect: in mdeling school etc
(2:24:51 am)me: who's talking about being a model? oh right, just you.
(2:24:58 am)mrperfect: i was
(2:25:24 am)me: your bragging is not becoming, just so you know. and neither is your shit attitude.

And just in case anyone was wondering...

(2:26:48 am)mrperfect: get ambushed inmens changing rooms today at wal mart and tj maxx
(2:27:02 am)mrperfect: like leaches

Yeah. I'm sure that's true. (It was probably because you stole something.)

Some of the stuff I left out: Him asking me if he should have sex with a married woman; him telling me one of the women he slept with had "huge beasts" (which I assume means "breasts") and I might like her; that he said was clearly wasting his time, but talked for another twenty minutes; and then finally informing me that I should date a Mexican man (I... what?).

Part two gets really good. Stay tuned.

If At First You Don't Succeed...

There's something to be said about persistence. My biggest complaint about the guys on dating sites is that they don't put forth any effort--I look at half filled out profiles or get messages with just "Hey, what's up?" which gives me no impetus to respond.

But there’s something to be said about putting too much effort forward. Thus, I bring you ricky.

Of all of the following, if there's no response from me, it means I had my instant messenger turned off, but he IMed me anyway.

January 3rd:
(9:52:49 pm) ricky: hello there how are you? if intrested cutie care to chat?

January 6th:
(7:28:08 pm) ricky: hello there cutir, intrested care to chat?
(7:34:32 pm) Me: depends on what we're chatting about. heh.
(7:40:05 pm) ricky: to high and siped on poision
(7:40:48 pm) ricky: favuioret synfeld and fox now
(7:49:30 pm) Me: i'm sorry?

I’m actually still confused about that one, now that I think about it.

January 14th:
(6:17:09 pm) ricky: ooh hi there, hows it going? intrested, care to chat?
(6:17:32 pm) Me: about what?
(7:05:00 pm) ricky: i dont care chat about anything

Hm…okay, so he might have just lost some of those “effort” points I was alluding to earlier.

January 21st:
(6:52:57 pm) ricky: ooh hi there, hows it going? intrested, care to chat?

January 27th:
(7:37:31 pm) ricky: oooh hellos there, hows it going? care to chat?

The sad part is, looking at his profile, if I had found him first, I probably would have sent him a message as we seem like we’d probably get along. Alas, it is not to be. Another potential prince charming turned into a frog.

Over before it began.

Just like if one is dating in the "real world," the approach is incredibly important. Of course, when online, men are far more willing to say crazy shit because it won't get them kneed in the junk. Here are eight of the worst opening lines I've had used on me.


(10:23:24 pm): so heather i see your a atheist

Really? Right away? Here's a tip: Religion is not an opener, my friend. Especially when coupled with bad grammar.


(2:14:17 pm): why dont you be my judge on webcam, I have a new underwear lol

"A new underwear"? Just the one? That's disappointing. And what am I judging? If I don't like the underwear, will he return them? So many questions...


(7:33:02 pm): hi want to talk about panties

Interestingly enough...no. But I'm thinking this guy should get together with the guy above, and they can rate one another's undergarments all night long.


(1:35:07 am): damm that is a very sexy rack
(1:36:06 am): guess u hear that alot lol

Dating sites have things like "winks" and "nudges." Why isn't "virtual slap" an option?


(3:51:35 am):yo
(3:52:09 am):u like bein on ur knees?

Not particularly. I'd much prefer if you offered me a chair.


(11:50:12 pm): Do you happen to know how to check blood pressure?

Is this an emergency? Hold on, let me give you the number for 911...


(1:42:14 pm): omg ur so sucha girl ewwwwwwwwwwww

Okay, this was after I'd told him off in a previous conversation, so it was a re-approach. But I still have no idea what it means.


And here's a personal favorite, and how I'd like to start every conversation from now until the end of time:

(3:10:41 am): Heya, toots. What is the scent of your feet at present?


The moral of the story: Stick with "hello," gentlemen. Please...just stick with "hello."