BDSMwhat?

I logged onto OKCupid for the first time in forever this evening and saw that I had a message. Usually, messages get sent to my e-mail, too, so I was a little confused until I saw that it was just someone saving my profile as a favorite. Curious, I went to his profile to see what I could see.

The second paragraph of his "My self-summary" section threw me off for a second because it was a little odd:

***Other sections below elaborate on intent and talk a little about me. Please read the last half to get to know me a bit better..

A couple of paragraphs later, it continues with

Again. Please read the entire profile. This is a great forum to get it all out there so to speak. You can't say the things I am saying here when you first meet a girl. That said... read the end to get to know me a bit better outside of the 'top' of this profile.

O...kay. Yes, I'm going to read the whole profile, but why are you so insistent, dude?

When we go into the bedroom to fuck this is what you should expect:

OH! Well, that was...er...unexpected, but please, tell me what I should expect when we...go into the bedroom to fuck.

All discipline will be enforced in the bedroom... outside the bedroom I am very laid back... but would love to explore a D/s relationship.. ;) I enjoy rough kinky sex. I am very controlling in bed and am looking for a total service whore in bed. Outside of bed... good times always.

He would love to "explore" a D/s relationship? Much of the profile goes on with exactly how the woman should expect to be spanked, do as she's told, and perform as a "total whore." This goes on for...well...if I printed it out, I'd say it'd take up a good two pages.

You should expect to be fucked up your ass if you can accommodate me. If you can not your ass will be teased and fingered a bit. It will be nice if we get along and get close/tested to come in your ass every now and then. You will also be expected to take cum on your face and lips.

Nothing but class this one.

But, really, I don't see anything morally or ethically or even sexually wrong with BDSM; it's more that his profile switches from the above to stuff like this...

I am very skilled in mathematics and computer sciences.

...then back to this...

*You should be very submissive in the bedroom. You should be clean and intelligent.

...without so much as a how's your father.

And then after his several paragraph description of how, exactly, she's going to take it, he hardly bothers to fill out any of the other fields. For example, his "I'm really good at" section?

I'm kinda complicated with all the things I do to make a living. All totally legal :) ... I may spread myself a bit thin... but I make good cash. Word.

Word indeed, sir. I think, however, that I shall pass.

I'll Just Leave This Here...

I do not know if this profile is for real.

But, working on the assumption that I'm not being punk'd, I'm very, very concerned for the human race.

Very concerned.

My hopes are that his profile is being truthful when it says he has no children, and perhaps that he Darwin himself attempting to join the Guinness Book for largest methane flame.

Just lie there.

This one seemed literate. I wasn't as skeptical as I usually am.

We exchange our pleasantries, and then he says:

demanding: hmm i'm not sure we're very compatible according to your questions and answers :p

To which I wanted to reply, "Then why did you even IM me?" But I, y'know...didn't. Instead we talked it out.


demanding: you'd let your partner have sex with someone else if they had a fetish to satisfy? :p
demanding: like the biggest fetish i can think of is an amputee
me: that was a tricky one for me.
me: I don't necessarily think sexual infidelity is the same as emotional infidelity, so that might not bother me if it was JUST sex.
demanding: well they are different i agree
me: I'm not into open relationships or anything like that, though. as soon as I saw it was more than superficial, I'd be gone.

This was why we were incompatible? Really?


demanding: well in any case i have a pretty high sex drive and I'm a fairly demanding partner
me: oh. well congratulations on that.
demanding: yeah we're not that compatible :p

Note that I actually said nothing about my own sex drive there. But I will now.


me: it completely boggles my mind that you'd go there right away.
me: that right there tells me something.
demanding: my ex wife used to just lie there
demanding: I'm not going through that again

Whoa, TMI. Didn't need to know that about your ex wife, pal.


me: so wait a minute...
me: you send a total stranger a message on an online dating site, and your first thought is, "I wonder how the sex would be"?

He had no response to that. Too bad. I really wanted to know how that approach worked out for him.

Driving: A Useless Gesture

This came after I, again, was insisting that I don't just randomly meet people for the first time at their houses.

Driven: i don't drive
Me: why?
Driven: do i need a reason
Me: no. i was just wondering.
Driven: it's a useless gesture
Me: driving or wondering?
Driven: driving
Me: why?
Driven: how many cars do you see on any given road at any time?
Driven: answer: too many
Driven: how many people die because of automobile?
Driven: too many
Driven: how many gallons of crude oil need pumped from the ground to fuel all of these things?
Driven: too many
Driven: it's disgustingly excessive

Well...okay, then...I'll just take my little driving-enjoying-self and go over here to guzzle some more crude oil.

Mental: The Unexpected Part Deux

I wasn't aware there'd be a second installment to this saga, but here we are.

One of my recent entries was about a man who chose to tell me in his first message to me that he was both institutionalized and incarcerated in the past. The manner in which he revealed it did not sit well with me. I didn't reply.

Today he sent me another message. Subject line: "What gives?"

What is it that you didn't like about my message? You didn't even check out my profile. That's not being very open-minded! Oh well, maybe you will reconsider when you aren't having any luck with anyone else. Take care.

First of all... I did read his profile. Sometimes I choose the "browse anonymously" option on OKCupid, so people won't know that I've visited. Not that it mattered, because his (pages-long) message was essentially a re-wording of everything written in his profile. I can't stand it when people do that. There's putting thought into a message, and then there's wasting your time telling me things I can find out easily. Then again, with the frequency most men tell me they don't read my profile...

Secondly, nowhere in my profile do I claim to be open-minded. Do I think I am? Yes. But if you actually read what's written in my profile, I sound exactly the opposite. I reply to messages "very selectively" according to OKCupid (and that's prominently placed), and I say myself that I'm picky. What about that would lead him to believe that he'd get a response in the first place?

And finally... He hopes I'll reconsider when I'm not having any luck? So...what he's saying here is that he wants to be the guy I settle for? Well. That's awesome. And that comes off very rude to me for some reason, as well. Implying that I can't do any better.

I still haven't decided if I'm going to respond.

Ama’s Best of Craigslist, Part I

I know that picking on Craigslist personals is like shooting fish in a barrel, but sometimes I just can't help myself.

From the men looking for women section of the Philadelphia, PA Cragislist.

Looking for a lady who loves tickling feet - 40 (Berwyn)
I am a single professional man with a unique interest. I love having a woman tie me up and tickle torture my feet. There is nothing I can do to hold back the laughter. I also enjoy giving my partner a really good foot tickling and watching her laugh hysterically. I am searching for a woman with very ticklish feet who would like to get together on a regular basis for a few hours of stress relieving mutual tickling fun.

This is weird enough on its own, but what really put me over the edge was that he wants this to be an on-going thing. I’m thinking maybe he should try a Cuddle Party.

NEED TO RELOCATE ? - 55 (upper bucks)
Tired of paying that outragious rent need to get away for whatever reason , this economy sucks so wherever you can save we all do it , which brings me to the subject i have a very lg mobile home in upper bucks your part would be $400-$450 full facilities now for the pitch in lieu of that lowent and if the chemestry is good for us both must include sex from tome to time , if i still got your attn. im drama free you be too. like weightlifting nice home jym m/c harley of course boating and movies ( horror) very laid back semi couch potato if this sounds interesting to you lets meet and talk see what happens . Age unimportant no kids sorry attractive a big plus will only answer to those that also send pic and i will return mine , if i dont write back its probably the fact that every body has a type there looking for maybe i wont be yours either . Sorry about this being a little unorthadox but i dont hang out at clubs and im retired so i dont meet that many people and i suck at supermarkets haha.

In case you didn’t read through that block of text, here’s the synopsis: the man has a large mobile home and is looking for a roommate. The rent would be $400-450, HOWEVER, in lieu of that, if “the chemestry is good for us both must include sex from tome to time.”

So you can either pay that lowent or you can have carnal relations with a laid back semi couch potato. Be still my beating heart.

And for this last one, I’ll keep it simple:

wanna fuck now i can pick u up - 27 (any where in philly)
just wanting to fuck i can pick u up drop u off and i can host send a pic or descreiption or yuor number ill send a pic

That is just so undeniably classy.

What cracks me up the most is that he's so desperate to get laid that he'll post that ad, but he has standards so he needs to see the woman's picture first. Riiight....

Mental.

Okay, so this one's semi-serious. I feel bad, but at the same time, I also...don't.

Imagine, if you will, you're at a bar with your friends. An average-looking guy approaches you and this is his opening line: "Hi, I'm [Name]. I suffer from bipolar disorder, paranoia, hallucinations, and aggressive outbursts, and was institutionalized at a mental health facility for a significant amount of time. But I'm not a sociopath! Oh, I've also been incarcerated in two different maximum-security prisons. Wanna go out?"

Show of hands, ladies: Who's gonna say yes? Anyone?

Look, we all have history. And we all have our problems. Whoever he gets involved with does need to know about this stuff, I think, and it's great that he's willing to be honest. But seriously? In the first message? At least if he'd eased into it, I could potentially say, "Here's a nice guy with an unfortunate past." But this way he's just a mentally-ill ex-con and...not much else.

It's a tough thing to have to deal with, and either way, he's going to face some judgment. But dude, give yourself a chance by letting her know you first. That's all I'm sayin'.

Bitchin' About Bitches!

Hi all what's up I'm bored and sick of meeting dumb girls at the bars. They always turn out screwed up in some way. I hate clingy whiney girls. I like a girl that knows what she wants and goes out there and gets it . I'm adventurous I love the outdoors and riding my motorcylce

Problems as I see them:

1. That's his entire profile.

2. He spends over half of his profile complaining about women.

3. Knowing what one wants and going out to get it is not mutually exclusive from being dumb, screwed up, clingy, or whiney (sic).

4. I have no idea what a motorcylce is, but I imagine it's some kind of prehistoric amphibian.

Return of IRMEDD420

What I neglected to mention in this post was that our good friend IRMEDD420 actually did IM me later that day. You remember IRMEDD420, right? He CAN BE A VERY SEXUALLY DOMINANT MAN and you should message him if you don’t mind that he doesn’t have a car. Now that we’re up to speed…

Because I am, at heart, a nice person, I talked to him for a while. Here are some choice snippets:

IRMEDD420: which pic is mosr recent?
IRMEDD420: most*
Me: the one at the top with the headphones.

Implied text: Y’know, the one labeled “November 2009” whereas the other two are labeled “May 2009” and “April 2009.”

IRMEDD420: i would love to take you out
Me: why's that?
IRMEDD420: cause your sexy lol
Me: well, that's a given. :P

Don’t look at me like that; you know I’m sexy.

IRMEDD420: you like a dominant guy?
Me: i suppose it depends on what he's dominating at.
IRMEDD420: in a sexual way

I gave him an out! Did you see that? I gave him an opening to not be creepy AND HE DIDN’T TAKE IT.

IRMEDD420: i bet your body is nice
Me: it has its moments.
IRMEDD420: i wish i could see your ass

If wishes were fishes, my friend.

IRMEDD420: you wanna go out tiffany?

Either he has more than one conversation going or he’s taking me out to buy some expensive jewelry. I’d go if it were the latter.

Me: to tiffany?
IRMEDD420: sorry that was another i/m comp keeps fucking up
IRMEDD420: i want to take you :)
IRMEDD420: out*
IRMEDD420: lol
IRMEDD420: [telephone number redacted, though I was tempted to leave it in hopes someone would prank him]

Yes. Yes, he did just give me his telephone number. If only it worked like that with that cute guy over there.

Me: pretend you're me for a minute. some random dude ims you and says he wants to take you out. you know nothing about this person. why would i want to put myself at risk like that?
IRMEDD420: are you attracted to me? i'm attracted to you i've made that quite clear

What I’m gathering from this is that because he finds me attractive, we should go out. I’m guessing that works on some girls, but considering he called me another girl’s name, I’m disinclined to acquiesce to his request.

Means no.

IRMEDD420: [gives his number again]
Me: do you think you're more likely to take me out if you speak to me?
IRMEDD420: yes
Me: why's that?
IRMEDD420: idk if you dont wanna i wont beg
Me: indeed.
IRMEDD420: so whats the decision woman?
Me: i'm gonna have to pass.

Seriously? He’s not going to beg, but he gave me his number twice? If that’s not begging, I don’t know what is. :P

I also wish he'd actually answered my question. Why would speaking to him make it more likely that we'd go out?

The Traditional Approach.

Today I bring you a couple more shining examples of the kind of men on the market for us single ladies, courtesy CraigsList (once again).


This one comes from the Hartford M4W LTR section.

So, this is totally messed up. I'm warning you, if you are in any way easily offended, just stop now, close it, I don't want to get emails telling me I'm messed up, I don't care.

I hate when I meet a girl who seems nice enough, cute, not dumb, has a job, etc, we go on a few dates, one thing leads to another, I'm going down on her, and her pussy is a mess. I'm realizing that how good a care a woman takes of herself there really relates to the rest of her life pretty accurately. So, send me a pussy picture. Everyone is hesitant to get to send out face photos are first anyways, so don't, snap a picture of yourself with your phone and email it to me. If it looks clean and delicious, we'll chat, if I don't respond, sorry! Sex isn't everything, but I want a woman who pays attention to detail and I think this will be a great indicator.

First of all, the fact that he knows this is weird? He gets an A+ for self-awareness, which indicates to me that he's not entirely certifiable. And he has a fair point, so long as he's relating it to prior experience. HOWEVER... Dude, just...no. I can see if he worked his way into it. Like... "We should talk for a while, then I'd like to see a picture of your pussy to determine if we're compatible." But to ask right away? That's a little off-putting. I'm tempted to reply (text only) just to see how much free porn he's collected.


And then this gem from Western Massachusetts M4W LTR.

looking for a girl has always been kinda hard for me .. ive been told i have kinda high standards. i dont think i do i jus look for a girl who is between 5'3" - 5'6". white or latina. between 17-21 years old. someone who wants a baby. i can be in a relationship wit yu.. or honestly im down for gettin a girl prego an they jus havin the baby givin it to me n bouncin. but. i kno this isnt really the place to look for this kinda stuff. but if interested send a message. its nice to have pics too. please non-judgmental ladies please. (im bi)

Whoa, there is...so much here.

He doesn't think he has high standards - but all he wants is a girl between 5'3" and 5'6". Nope, not picky at all. Oh, and he also wants her to be white or latina. That certainly does not exclude approximately 80% of the world's population or anything. And she needs to be between 17 and 21, and also want a baby. Sounds to me like he could go for just about anyone!

But wait just a minute... He wants to knock up a chick and take the baby? It's all coming together... He's really just looking for an egg donor. That's why all the qualifications. More power to him, but on CraigsList? I know fertility clinics are expensive, but at least try Match.com instead.

And I love that he's worried about women judging his bisexuality. Because the other part of this is entirely normal.


Just another day looking for love on the internet...

Internet and the Art of Speed Dating

I think what gets me the most about Internet dating is that people tend to want to go at the speed of light instead of letting a relationship grow and blossom on its own accord.

CraftyCanuck: hi there
Me: hello
CraftyCanuck: nice tomeeet u

This is exactly what I mean. We haven’t actually met, have we? Not even in really the Internet-meaning of “meet” as I don’t even know his name. He did, eventually, introduce himself, though. Then, the moving too fast continued.

CraftyCanuck: have you been single long
Me: about a year, i suppose.
CraftyCanuck: not much fun is it

Gets right down to business, doesn’t he?

CraftyCanuck: i am 40 is that ok with you
Me: why wouldn't it be?
CraftyCanuck: thought you might be looking for around your age
Me: according to your profile, you're also in canada, no?

My point here is that even if he’s forty years old, HE’S IN CANADA, so it’s no skin off my nose to just talk to the guy. According to Google Maps, he’s approximately seven hours from where I live. This nuance was lost on CraftyCanuck, though, as he proceeded to tell me that Canada’s “not that far” from where I live.

Unless his penis is made of solid gold, I’m pretty sure it’s “that far.”

CraftyCanuck: do you have kids?
Me: nope.
Me: unless you count my kitten.
CraftyCanuck: lol do you want kids
Me: someday. :)
CraftyCanuck: kool how many do you want?
Me: somewhere between 1 and 3.
CraftyCanuck: kool 3-4 would be nice

At this point, we’ve been talking for approximately ten minutes. Now, I want kids. I really want kids. I would like nothing more than to have a couple running around willy-nilly. I feel, however, that this is more of a third/fourth date sort of conversation.

In other words, bringing it up now? Not gonna lie—that’s creepy. Not as creepy as this, though:

CraftyCanuck: do u drive
Me: i do.
CraftyCanuck: me2
CraftyCanuck: do u have ur own place
Me: i have a roommate.
CraftyCanuck: they always there lol
Me: most of the time.
CraftyCanuck: ok then you might have to come here lol

Because driving to Canada to meet some forty year old guy I’ve been talking to for twenty minutes is a FABULOUS IDEA. Let me go fill up my car with some gasoline and hit the road!

Let's be clear here: when I had an Internet friend who I had met before in person come stay with me, I made sure my roommate would be home not because I didn't trust that Internet friend but because I trust no Internet people the first few times.

I believe this has kept me out of the newspaper headlines.

CraftyCanuck: maybe we should talk on the phone next then
CraftyCanuck: would u like that?
Me: i don't generally give out my phone number to people i've talked to once.
CraftyCanuck: i dont bite lol
Me: i'm sure.
CraftyCanuck: kool it would be niceto sayhi
CraftyCanuck: whats your number plz
Me: i'm not giving out my number. sorry.
CraftyCanuck: no prob just thought be niceto talk

And thus the conversation ended on a bit of a whiny note from my new Canadian friend. After that, he asked me what I liked to do, and I answered, but didn't get another response.

Note to self: Be more forceful when stating that I’m not giving out my phone number. Something more like “HELL TO THE NO, CREEPSTER.”

Me and Mr. Perfect. Again.

So this is the continuation of the saga involving the fantastic fellow I mentioned in my last entry, Mr. Perfect. The following conversation took place a week after the first one. I had already told him, in no uncertain terms, that I found him to be wholly reprehensible and did not care to speak with him again.

(10:35:07 pm)mrperfect: i want to get some dinner with you
(10:35:20 pm)me: that's a funny joke.
(10:35:30 pm)mrperfect: yup why you moody still?
(10:35:46 pm)me: because you're an ass?
(10:35:55 pm)mrperfect: i do have a good ass
(10:36:27 pm)mrperfect: my date today liked it
(10:36:33 pm)me: good for your date.
(10:36:41 pm)mrperfect: haha wow r u russian
(10:36:52 pm)me: what does that even mean?
(10:36:54 pm)me: im russian you answer like my grnad ma

I speak like your Russian grandmother...how? In English? I'm confused.


This is where it gets downright strange.

(10:38:46 pm)mrperfect: well lets get some coffe at mohgans
(10:38:53 pm)me: let's not.
(10:39:19 pm)mrperfect: yeah i need you
(10:39:35 pm)mrperfect: to try and punch me attack me
(10:39:51 pm)mrperfect: your mean enough for the job
(10:40:38 pm)mrperfect: I need a partner so i can keep practicing my offense
(10:40:57 pm)me: you can keep looking
(10:41:05 pm)mrperfect: nope i want you
(10:41:13 pm)mrperfect: to try and hit me
(10:41:23 pm)mrperfect: kick me
(10:41:23 pm)me: I'm not going to hit you.
(10:41:47 pm)mrperfect: i want to you to try and hit me
(10:41:55 pm)mrperfect: well thats what I like
(10:42:08 pm)me: which is why you need to keep looking
(10:42:55 pm)mrperfect: ill pay you
(10:43:00 pm)mrperfect: to hit me
(10:43:21 pm)mrperfect: best job in an economy like this
(10:43:25 pm)me: no thanks.

I'm sorry...what? I know people have their fetishes, but really? I'm the least violent person I know. I've never hit anyone. Plus this is just fucking weird.


And a total shifting of gears... This is how we know he's perfect.

(10:45:23 pm)mrperfect: how many cars do you have?
(10:45:35 pm)me: uh... just the one, because that's all I need
(10:45:49 pm)mrperfect: what if it brakes down
(10:46:09 pm)mrperfect: or someone punches the windshild out?
(10:46:30 pm)me: I have it covered.
(10:46:40 pm)mrperfect: if you had 5 like me you could just get in the other one
(10:46:58 pm)me: I don't want to do anything like you.
(10:47:15 pm)mrperfect: haha i got it all
(10:47:35 pm)mrperfect: green eyes , %100 healthy perfect
(10:47:46 pm)mrperfect: money in bank
(10:47:55 pm)me: you're not perfect. go ahead and think you are, but you're not.
(10:48:03 pm)mrperfect: yes i am
(10:48:27 pm)me: like I said...keep thinking it.
(10:48:27 pm)mrperfect: model john casablancas
(10:49:02 pm)me: I don't care.

Five cars? In pieces in the mud outside your trailer, right? Look at me. I'm so turned on. Oh, no...wait... That's nausea.


(10:53:18 pm)mrperfect: ohh ok be nice
(10:53:36 pm)me: why should I be nice? you haven't
(10:53:45 pm)mrperfect: yes ia m nice i like you
(10:53:57 pm)me: I still don't like you.
(10:54:20 pm)mrperfect: why dont you like me?
(10:54:40 pm)me: you're a pompous, condescending, self-righteous jackass.
(10:55:29 pm)mrperfect: hum well i think im nice
(10:56:00 pm)me: oh really? why don't you look back on some of the things you said the last time we talked?
(10:56:16 pm)mrperfect: thats cause you were being mean
(10:56:25 pm)mrperfect: i didnt mean nay of them
(10:56:44 pm)me: I wasn't being mean. I was being uninterested, and you were getting defensive.
(10:57:01 pm)me: you were obviously pissed off that I didn't think you were "perfect," and you got insulting.
(10:57:03 pm)mrperfect: naah
(10:57:29 pm)mrperfect: well we should get soem drinks and talk about it
(10:57:39 pm)me: no. no we shouldn't.
(10:57:46 pm)mrperfect: why?
(10:57:53 pm)me: because I don't like you.
(10:57:58 pm)me: I don't know how much more clear I can be.

The point...he does not has it.


And then this random-ass gem...

(10:58:17 pm)mrperfect: clear cb-300 chastity belt
(10:58:34 pm)me: ...what?
(10:59:00 pm)mrperfect: CB-3000 clear chastity belt women love them look on line

I still don't know where the fuck that came from and how it was relevant, but...okay.


And this was how it ended.

(11:00:18 pm)mrperfect: you rock sweety bye
(11:00:35 pm)me: ugh, don't you ever call me that... and don't message me again.
(11:00:54 pm)mrperfect: hum ok lots more on here

It should be noted that he messaged me on three more occasions. THREE. I did not reply.


So kids...what have we learned? You cannot be perfect unless you have multiple vehicles and like getting the shit beat out of you. Ah, now we all have something to which we can aspire!

Application DENIED

This wasn't initially what I was going to post today, but it popped into my inbox and I think it warrants a closer look.

The following comes from Ervin on chemistry.com whose tagline simply reads "good looking."

I think that nursing has a great future. I’m interested in nursing problems for many years and now I have a strong desire to help people. I seek out opportunities for growth and development in my new role. According to structure career development opportunities and to my future plans I believe that as every nurse I shall be able actualize my goals within chosen career path with the opportunity for professional growth and advancement. There were received important knowledge during my courses and I feel myself ready to practical activity. I knew theoretical aspects of nursing science and also I have several interesting ideas how to change nowadays situation that will promote the improvement of patient care system. Improving healthcare quality for effective patient centered care we will improve own practical skills that will bring to the best results in future. In my opinion direct contact with expert staff physicians is one more opportunity to achieve career growth because only qualified specialists can help me to become great in chosen area. I think that every nurse should use opportunity to develop own professional skills and increase the level of knowledge because we are responsible for people’s health and life.

I applaud Ervin for his dedication to the medical field. I am pleased to know that there are men out there interested in the nursing field and who want the very best for their patients. It makes any hypothetical trips to the hospital less scary knowing that I might be helped by someone like Ervin who has a strong desire to help people and wants to use every opportunity to develop his professional skills and knowledge.

My only problem with it, really, is...if he's interested in me on a dating website, why did I need to see his résumé?