Match this.

So I finally gave in and subscribed to match.com, after being notified every day via email that I had unread messages. Four of them. And this is what I found.


The first message was sent February 5. And once I looked at his username, I realized...this schmuck Googled my username, found me on Yahoo messenger, and sent me an IM. Like...a day after he sent the message. He didn't identify himself at the time, and I never gave out my IM name in my profile. I just thought he was a random, but...apparently not. I mean, yes, I use the same name everywhere. But that doesn't mean he should be Googling me. That's creepy.


This is the opening line of the next one, sent on the 25:

So, tell me a little more about your self and let me know what some of your interests are

No "hello." No "hi, I'm So-and-so." Just a demand. Like, um...what if I don't want to? Rude.

As for me I work for Fedex and I drive tractor trailers 8pm to 8am for them mon - sat, I'm out sat morn and don't go back till mon night. It is hard for me to find someone that can put up with this work time

Personally, I'd be excited if you were gone a lot... I mean... What?

most of my relationships were 5-8 yrs long my last one ended in oct 08 after 8 1/2 yr, sense then I've have a few.

Great to know, but am I alone in thinking that's not really suitable material for a first message?

ages from 24-38 and I find you to be very Beautiful, from your profile.

What are the ages for? And I do so Love random Capitalization to emphasize Words that should be Appealing to Me.

So if you'd like to take a chance and grab coffee one of these mornings and or chat and wait for the weekend to go out for lunch/dinner I'm here, So either way drop me a line back and let me know ok thank you either way, hopefuly it's good, but if not I wish you good luck and to take care

Moving a little fast there, bucko. Go out for coffee, like, now-ish...or just wait for the weekend? How about something like, "Message me back if you want to talk, and maybe we can go out sometime"? This is why men fail at online dating. Most women are not going to be all, "OMG YES, let's go out tomorrow!" Assuming that will be the course, then getting upset when it's not reality, is why a lot of women do not want to talk to you.


And finally, from the 26:

hi there cutie!! i'm Mitch and just want to tell you that this could work!!!

Oh really, Mitch? I'm not so sure about that.

i'm a friendly and happy guy who loves to make people laugh and have a good time and kill boredom!!don't beat yourself up sweety ok!

Um, what? Where did I "beat myself up"? And you called me "sweety." Done.

i'm a down to earth man and love to have a goos friend to share many things with,i am a little stocky and hope that is not an incovenience??!!!,, i go to the gym a lot and have a proportioned body(i think)but i DO NOT have a six pack!!!,,lol,,,just a regular tummy,but i do not have a complex so i am happy regardless

It is not an inconvenience!!!!!! But it would appear, since you had to make a point of mentioning it, that you do have a complex!!!!! Otherwise you wouldn't feel the need to talk about it??!!!!

can we be friends?

...no.


The fourth message wasn't that bad. I know, I'm depriving you all. My apologies.

Should I just reply to all of these with, "How about no?" heh.