We're back. Bad CraigsList ads never left.

This is from an ad on CraigsList with the subject line, "Looking for emotional love first and foremost."

"You are going to make a wonderful husband and father one day" This is what a very special friend of mine constantly tells me. But how useful is the information really if the girl who thinks it is also the one that won't let you have that chance?

Okay, that's a little whiny. But I'll give him a chance.

Look, I try my best to be romantic. I am that guy who will leave you flowers not because it's your birthday, not because it's a special day, not even because it's thursday. I will leave you those flowers because I saw them and I KNEW you would like them. I knew they would hold a special meaning for you other than them being just flowers. Romantic things just come to me randomly because I am thinking about you, and I want you to be happy.

Bordering on sappy, and like you're just telling me what you think I want to hear. But about 80% less creepy than most ads on CraigsList, so I'll read on.

Me: White, twenty four years old, five foot seven inches, two hundred pounds, blue eyes, dirty-blood hair. I am about to finish my bachelors degree, and I have a job. I don't like sports or cars so you won't find me ignoring you because the super bowl is on. Please be around my age. Race isn't important to me at all, and looks only matter in the way that there has to be an attraction on both sides for something to happen. However, I have a wide variety of types so don't let your hangups about your body and personality stop you from emailing me.

First of all... "Dirty-blood hair"? Dude, bad typo. And second... Even insinuating someone might have hangups before you've spoken to them is bad form.

And then there's this gem, in an ad seeking "emotional love"...

As a last note, I should mention that for those that just want sex, as long as I am single I would be willing to go with a 1night stand or FWB since it has been a long time since I had sex. You may want to know that I am VERY good at giving a girl orgasms and get pleasure from giving pleasure. I'm not trying to toot my own horn, but to give you an idea how good I can be, I have given a girl who medically was not supposed to be able to have orgasms, 5 huge orgasms in a single try.

Thanks for telling me! I was just about to ask you for references. Now...do you have a medical expert I can call about that miraculous event, as well? Hey, wait a minute... This ad wasn't supposed to be about sex...


And this one's called, "Redneck seeking girlfriend."

Im a 19 yr old redneck with a tricked out truck, have a job, i race quads, im an outdoors guy. I pretty much do anything . Im not looking for sex or you to send me to a website to get verified. Im looking for a cute girl whos skinny and not fat or ugly

I just... I can't. I can't.


And finally... "Total paranoia is just total awareness."

Be my girl. That is all.

I... Well... Is it wrong that I kind of like this? (It probably is.)

IRMEDD420 IV: A New Hope

So, my buddy IRMEDD420 has reappeared with a different username. I got a notification that someone had added me to his favorites list, so I clicked on the profile. The picture wasn't familiar, but when I saw what town he lives in, plus the line, "unfortunately i have no car at the moment and i realize that can be very unattractive," I knew...I just knew.

Then later in his profile he says, "my last profile was caps and surprisingly a fair amount of people actually care about the most pedantic shit." No, my darling; we just don't enjoy being yelled at.

Then there was this:

IRMEDD420: hello
Me: hello.
IRMEDD420: you are beautiful

It's like he doesn't remember calling me a snooty bitch. Amazing.

Knowledge and the Pursuit of Happiness

Humans are curious creatures. Without this curiosity, this thirst for knowledge, the modern marvels we take for granted would never exist. There are so many great questions out there that have been asked...

If Columbus hadn't asked "Think we can get to India if we sail west from here?" we'd all still be living in Europe. If the Wright brothers hadn't thought, "Do you think we can build something to fly in?" there would be no air travel as we know it today. If that one guy hadn't had a really clumsy wife who kept cutting herself, we wouldn't have Band-aids, but he asked himself, "What can I do so that she doesn't keep bleeding all over the linoleum?"

Then there are questions that shouldn't be asked, questions that make the questioner look like a complete douche, questions that make the questee hit the desk with her forehead. Like this one:

(8:39:21 pm)R****: How come no bf yr cute

There is truly no good answer for this question, but let's consider some responses.

• Because no one's asked me.
• Because I'm secretly a man.
• Because I'm a crazy bitch.
• Because, like, there's this guy, yannow, and I'd, like, really like him to be my boyfriend, yannow, but he, like, is in, like, a bad spot in his life, and, like, it's just not working out, yannow, but, like, maybe something good'll happen, yeah? *gum snap/hair twirl*
• Because I'm overwhelmed by the number of quality men on this site, I can't decide on just one.

Don't forget about commenting for our giveaway or I shall be very sad!

A Giveaway! Hooray!

Hooray for us, for this is our 100th post!

In celebration, we are going to giveaway a copy of this book to a random commenter, the method of choosing I have not yet determined, but it could possibly involve a hat, scraps of paper, and/or witchcraft (but the kind that Christine O'Donnell didn't practice because, like, that was the 80s, ya know?).

All you have to do is comment, preferably with some way to contact you for your address, otherwise I'm donating your copy to my roommate (because we all know he needs it more than any of you do).

I'll choose the winner next Wednesday after I drop the kitten at the vet so he can have his teeny-tiny manhood removed.

We shall now resume our (ir)regularly scheduled snarking. :)

I looking for beauty woman.

It's probably a little wrong to poke fun at the obviously illiterate, but...well, here we are.


hello beautifully

Beautifully what? You can't just put an adverb out there like that with no follow-up...

I was check out your profile and I see that you are very attractive woman. I would like to get to know u in more detail if u give me the time.

Okay, so verb tense isn't his thing.

I am going to tell you about my self. My name is Jeffrey. I am current single and look for a woman who is single too.She have to be serious and fun.You have to nice personality. I am look for long term relationship that is serious. I am look for somebody that is trust worthy compassion and understand and high computability.

"Computability"? Am I a calculator?

I also want somebody that can hold a conversation. I am a easygoing gut that like to have fun. I have a lot of hobbies. I am a very successful guy that will try to reach any goal that I set In life. I am a good guy that like to listen to what u have to said. I am easy to talk to about any thing.This is a opportunity to meet a serious fun love easy going guy. I am not here to waste your time or my time.

1) Hold a conversation? Huh. Okay.
2) Haha, he said he's an "easygoing gut."
3) Time has been wasted. I demand a refund.

I here to looking for the right woman to build a long term successful relationship with. If u are truly interest you can look at me profile and learn more about me.If u are truly u can content me at ********@yahoo.com or text me at **********. Hope to hear from u soon take care

To "content" him sounds a little bit too serious at this point in the relationship. I feel like we need to slow down.


I give him some credit: It was more than one sentence. So, y'know...B- for effort.

SWF ISO "Normal"

It's no secret that my biggest annoyance with the whole online dating thing is that men (this may be true of women, but I don't get messages from women, so I don't know) don't seem to put a whole lot of effort into their messages. I know it's "just the Internet," but the whole point is to then meet the person...well...in person, and if you're a complete idiot in your first message to me, what am I possibly going to think you'll be in person? Intelligent and suave? Unlikely.

So, I got this message in my OKC inbox:

I just wanted to say hello i really enjoyed reading your profile

As I have been accused of judging a book by its cover, I decided to return the message with the same amount of effort that was put forth initially. I responded with "Thank you. :)"

In return, I received this:

:) I honestly mean it I'm new to this Internet dating or whatever u wanna call it and so surprised to find someone normal is a relief

PUNCTUATION, GET YOU SOME.

But even beyond that--it's gotten to the point where the second some derivation of the phrase "I'm new to Internet dating" comes through on my computer screen I just shut down. It's almost Pavlovian, really. Someone could say it to me in real life on a street corner at this point, and my eyes would roll back in my head, then I'd collapse onto the ground, twitching.

I realize that it's a little embarrassing or whatever to be looking for a mate online, but I think we desperately need to get past that whole stigma as a culture. He's surprised that he found someone "normal," but we're all normal. We're all people in search of something.

And, I mean, come on. I could just be good at acting.

Crazy Is As Crazy Does

You all remember my friend Honest, right?

• Too Much Honesty, Part I
• Too Much Honesty, Part II: Electric Boogaloo
• Too Much Honesty, Part III: The Thrilling Conclusion
• Too Much Honesty, Part IV: Are You Curious About the Epilogue?
• Too Much Honesty, Part V: What the...?
  

I chanced upon his profile again, and saw that it had been updated to have this at the beginning of his Self-Summary:

I am not actively using this site anymore.... way too many crazy people with issues, so if you want to talk, send me a message with your # and we can text. Thanks!

While I am sure that there are many crazy people on OKCupid, I don't think that this particular pot should be calling that specific kettle black.

My other concern is the cognitive dissonance that allows him to believe that he will somehow weed out the crazy people by, instead of talking to them via the relative anonymity of the site, asking for them to give him their telephone numbers.

At least I have no illusion of what he will be like when he grows up.