Quickie

After the normal pleasantries...

Him: cute
Me: ?
Him: cute pics
Me: thank you.
Him: u dont get good comments on ur butt??

Come again say what?

The Science of Dating.

Normally I bring you amusement from OKCupid. But today we have a different kind of amusement from PlentyofFish.

Most of the mail I get there amounts to, "Hi, how are you?" Which is a waste of my time and theirs, really. No effort, no reply. There's effort in this one, but I'm not sure if it's the right kind...

I would like to know if you would like to chat sometime? and as far as science? do you know who Nikola Tesla is?

I... Um... What?

I don't mention science in my profile. Why would I? I like it just fine, but it plays no role in my dating life. I even checked to make sure I didn't type "political science," and he just missed the first half, but...no.

Honestly...who does this? Did he ask me about Tesla because he plans to electrocute me? Was it a roundabout way to tell me he has a secret love of 80s hair metal bands?

This is almost more strange to me than the sexual crap I get sent. Is that wrong?

Breaking News: Man Takes Hint.

perceptive: bang out a quickie?
me: wow, that is a new kind of appalling. congratulations.
perceptive: welcome lol
me: I wouldn't be laughing if I were you.
perceptive: why not?
me: well, depends. did you actually want to seriously talk to me?
perceptive: maybe. You seem interesting
me: well you ruined it. sorry.
perceptive: np. have a good one

He...went away when I said I wasn't interested... THE WORLD. IT IS ENDING.

Too Much Honesty, Part V: What the...?

I probably should have figured that if I spent any time at all with my OKCupid IM client on, he would have IMed me again, but it didn't really cross my mind. Thus, he popped up again last night:

Honest: you are rather lovely
Me: thank you.

I was seriously reading this with one eyebrow glued to the ceiling.

Honest: will we ever get to meet?
Me: beats me.
Honest: hahah
Honest: because i'd love to have you :)

I'd like to believe that this is really one of you readers out there screwing around with me, but as he started IMing me before Heather and I conceived the idea for this blog, I'm left with the unfortunate conclusion that he honestly thinks this is going to get me to meet with him.

At any rate, I signed off last night and fell asleep. Today, when I signed on, I didn't realize that the IM client was still running when I got another message:


Honest: hello :)
Me: hallo.
Honest: how are you, my sweet cake?

Quick interjection: "My sweet cake?" I'm not as anti-pet names as Heather is, but don't you have to have had some sort of relationship above hi-how-are-you-wanna-make-out before you get into them?

Me: i suppose i'm alright.
Honest: wanna makeout?
Me: with you? no.
Honest: oh, why not

That little "oh" made me feel like I had just kicked a puppy.

Me: because it is undeniably creepy that every time you IM me, you jump straight to making out/making love/whatever.
Honest: wow
Me: wow?
Honest: well i think you being so closed off is creepy, bye

Who wants to start a betting pool as to when the next time he'll message me is? Anyone?

Briefs. Not like underwear.

Some excerpts from the past few days.


whaaa: hi
whaaa: lets talking

Well. I know I can talk. You, however... I'm not so sure about.


adjectiveguy: 3 words for me: Creative, Passionate, Dominant
me: um...good?
adjectiveguy: And youre how affectionate, quiet warm submissive
me: no, no, and no.
adjectiveguy: Ok take care then

This man clearly did not read my profile. Actually, he told me so much prior to this, and also tried to convince me writing about oneself is a "creative exercise." Except...it's an autobiography... Well, he's creative. I guess he'd know.


This one's fun. We'd been talking for approximately five minutes before this.

overzealous: may be we could go out sometime
me: you're a little young for me.
overzealous: am 20 is that going to be a problem its not for me
me: it's a little young.
overzealous: so its not gonna work ur saying right
me: well it might not work for a number of reasons, but that's not helping.
overzealous: can u tell me what will so i can do it

Why do men do this? Why do they assume every conversation is going to lead to a relationship? They can't just get to know a woman. It's so frustrating.

me: ...no. we don't know each other.
overzealous: we are getting there right
me: not...really.
overzealous: why not
me: you're getting a little ahead of yourself.
overzealous: with what
me: even asking if it would work out. if WHAT would work out? we're just talking.
overzealous: getting to know u, ok am sorry i maybe was alittle over my head

Yes, and getting to know me doesn't "work out" or "not work out." It's a neutral entity. I...don't understand.

overzealous: lets jus take this slow and get to know each other
me: how about we just TALK and not assume we need to take anything slowly?

Oy. Then he asked if he could call me later.

me: I don't give out my number after 10 minutes.
overzealous: ok ur jus giving me a hard time thats good cause nothing thats good comes easy
me: if you're going to say crap like that, it's not going to come at all.

He's tried to IM me four times since. Clearly he got the hint.

And this one's just amusing. I enjoy a good ellipsis. Frequently. And he noticed.

grammarpolice: u like using dots
me: except that's not what they're called.
grammarpolice: ?
me: ellipsis. the correct term is ellipsis.
grammarpolice: well sorry im not "intellectual" enough for u
me: I...don't recall saying that.
grammarpolice: o...k
me: that isn't quite the correct usage, but...uh, cool.

I'll Just Leave This Here...

I do not know if this profile is for real.

But, working on the assumption that I'm not being punk'd, I'm very, very concerned for the human race.

Very concerned.

My hopes are that his profile is being truthful when it says he has no children, and perhaps that he Darwin himself attempting to join the Guinness Book for largest methane flame.

No offense.

I came back from brushing my teeth and saw this IM.

Im gonna be really honest, you look like you'd give good head. No offense.

I...don't even have commentary for this. Just...why me? Sigh.