Too Much Honesty, Part V: What the...?

I probably should have figured that if I spent any time at all with my OKCupid IM client on, he would have IMed me again, but it didn't really cross my mind. Thus, he popped up again last night:

Honest: you are rather lovely
Me: thank you.

I was seriously reading this with one eyebrow glued to the ceiling.

Honest: will we ever get to meet?
Me: beats me.
Honest: hahah
Honest: because i'd love to have you :)

I'd like to believe that this is really one of you readers out there screwing around with me, but as he started IMing me before Heather and I conceived the idea for this blog, I'm left with the unfortunate conclusion that he honestly thinks this is going to get me to meet with him.

At any rate, I signed off last night and fell asleep. Today, when I signed on, I didn't realize that the IM client was still running when I got another message:


Honest: hello :)
Me: hallo.
Honest: how are you, my sweet cake?

Quick interjection: "My sweet cake?" I'm not as anti-pet names as Heather is, but don't you have to have had some sort of relationship above hi-how-are-you-wanna-make-out before you get into them?

Me: i suppose i'm alright.
Honest: wanna makeout?
Me: with you? no.
Honest: oh, why not

That little "oh" made me feel like I had just kicked a puppy.

Me: because it is undeniably creepy that every time you IM me, you jump straight to making out/making love/whatever.
Honest: wow
Me: wow?
Honest: well i think you being so closed off is creepy, bye

Who wants to start a betting pool as to when the next time he'll message me is? Anyone?

Briefs. Not like underwear.

Some excerpts from the past few days.


whaaa: hi
whaaa: lets talking

Well. I know I can talk. You, however... I'm not so sure about.


adjectiveguy: 3 words for me: Creative, Passionate, Dominant
me: um...good?
adjectiveguy: And youre how affectionate, quiet warm submissive
me: no, no, and no.
adjectiveguy: Ok take care then

This man clearly did not read my profile. Actually, he told me so much prior to this, and also tried to convince me writing about oneself is a "creative exercise." Except...it's an autobiography... Well, he's creative. I guess he'd know.


This one's fun. We'd been talking for approximately five minutes before this.

overzealous: may be we could go out sometime
me: you're a little young for me.
overzealous: am 20 is that going to be a problem its not for me
me: it's a little young.
overzealous: so its not gonna work ur saying right
me: well it might not work for a number of reasons, but that's not helping.
overzealous: can u tell me what will so i can do it

Why do men do this? Why do they assume every conversation is going to lead to a relationship? They can't just get to know a woman. It's so frustrating.

me: ...no. we don't know each other.
overzealous: we are getting there right
me: not...really.
overzealous: why not
me: you're getting a little ahead of yourself.
overzealous: with what
me: even asking if it would work out. if WHAT would work out? we're just talking.
overzealous: getting to know u, ok am sorry i maybe was alittle over my head

Yes, and getting to know me doesn't "work out" or "not work out." It's a neutral entity. I...don't understand.

overzealous: lets jus take this slow and get to know each other
me: how about we just TALK and not assume we need to take anything slowly?

Oy. Then he asked if he could call me later.

me: I don't give out my number after 10 minutes.
overzealous: ok ur jus giving me a hard time thats good cause nothing thats good comes easy
me: if you're going to say crap like that, it's not going to come at all.

He's tried to IM me four times since. Clearly he got the hint.

And this one's just amusing. I enjoy a good ellipsis. Frequently. And he noticed.

grammarpolice: u like using dots
me: except that's not what they're called.
grammarpolice: ?
me: ellipsis. the correct term is ellipsis.
grammarpolice: well sorry im not "intellectual" enough for u
me: I...don't recall saying that.
grammarpolice: o...k
me: that isn't quite the correct usage, but...uh, cool.

I'll Just Leave This Here...

I do not know if this profile is for real.

But, working on the assumption that I'm not being punk'd, I'm very, very concerned for the human race.

Very concerned.

My hopes are that his profile is being truthful when it says he has no children, and perhaps that he Darwin himself attempting to join the Guinness Book for largest methane flame.

No offense.

I came back from brushing my teeth and saw this IM.

Im gonna be really honest, you look like you'd give good head. No offense.

I...don't even have commentary for this. Just...why me? Sigh.

Capslock Is the Cruise Control for COOL

Tagline: LET THE WORLD BEWARE I AM LOOKING FOR MY QUEEN MY( TIHERY JOSE). TIYPE WHEN I FIND HER IT OVER .SELF MAN MAN I WILL HAVE HER !!

I'm not sure what a Tihery Jose is, or what a "self man man" is, but I'm actually more concerned with the last little phrase there. The "I WILL HAVE HER" one. That creeps me the hell out.

Profile: ALFA MALE SEEK QUEEN MUST HAVE A TASTE FOR LIFE MUST BE WILLING TO WORK HARD AT IT WITH GREAT EFFORD COME GREAT REWARD IF YOU CAN WORK HARD WITH ME ,AND STIL WHERE THE HELL OUT OF A SILK DRESS ON OWER VACATIONS THEN WE CAN WORK I AM BUILDING AN LIFE FOR THE BETTER I JUST NEED ONE GOOD WOMEN .THEN THE WORLD BEWARE NOTHING WILL STOP US!!!!!!!

I have a few questions.

1. Is an alfa male full of hay?
2. I don't know if whereing the hell out of a silk dress is a good idea, even if it is on "ower vacations."
3. He needs one good women. Er, what?

He also lists his profession as a "master weilder/ engineer" which only makes me wonder what he professionally weilds.

He would like to buy a vowel.

I have no words. And he doesn't seem to have any, either. At least not entire ones.


shorthand: hmm .... whr ar u

...huh?


me: are you trying to ask me WHERE I am?
shorthand: yup yup

Oh, that clears things up.


me: that information is on my profile, I'm fairly sure.
shorthand: ya bt it doesnt tells d current loctn i mean ur in offce home etcc
me: wow... I'm not answering anything until you start asking it in English.
shorthand: haha its in english dear .. iiam just using shorthand

I have never seen any shorthand that looks like that. Am I missing something?


me: and it makes you look stupid.
shorthand: haha
shorthand: really
me: really.
shorthand: actually its hard to type entire words exactly while chatting
me: that's funny... I manage to do it. I don't find it difficult at all.
shorthand: because you arn't use too of it
shorthand: am :P

That doesn't even make any sense. Of course I'm not used to it. Because I like appearing literate in my interactions with other people.


shorthand: so ... wat you do in general
me: I'm sorry... I'm afraid we're going to hit an enormous language barrier. perhaps we should end it here.
shorthand: lol
shorthand: fine lady its all your wish
me: well that's the first sentence I've understood.

Let me just add here... He was 24. Far too old for this half-assed attempt at communication. Oy.

Like Sting I'm Tantric; Like Snickers Guaranteed to Satisfy

A while ago, I got a message in my OKCupid inbox that merely said “Hi.” No subject. There wasn’t even actually any punctuation in the original. Annoyed, as this was about the fiftieth (okay, I’m exaggerating) message I’ve gotten where the man in question put in zero effort, I shot back a reply:

This may seem like a strange question, but if you took the time to actually pull up the message sending screen and type out a word, wouldn't it have made sense to actually type a message worth responding to rather than just an uninteresting greeting?

Granted, I responded, but the message itself wasn’t really worth responding to. A moment of weakness, I know. I received the following in response:

I thought an uninteresting word might be better than an uninteresting message. I work as an economist, also go on a weekly radio show as a guest expert. am looking for a compatible companion. Am kind and understanding. i guess the best way to get to know each other is through the phone. Here`s my number, [telephone number redacted].

We all probably have figured out by now how I feel about people throwing their telephone numbers at me. Like I do, though, I took a look at his profile which reads something like Bartlett’s Familiar Quotations, How to Win Friends and Influence People, and The Joy of Sex had an ill-advised ménage à trois.

For example, his “Self-Summary” states

“God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.”

Hillary Clinton

Ignoring the fact that I believe that’s a Robin Williams quote (if he didn’t steal it from someone else—though I doubt that if he did, he stole it from Hillary Clinton), isn’t it generally considered bad form to basically say, “Hi, I’m male, and therefore have no self-control, so if I start humping your leg, just remember that it’s because I think you’re cute?”

Under the “What I’m doing with my life” section, the first thing it says is “Flirting” followed by pretty much what he said in his second sentence in the message to me.

His profile goes on to say that he’s “really good at”

Loving, sexual tension. theorizing. tantric. being childlike.

A man asked a woman, "Would you go to bed with me for $100 million?". She said yes. Then he asked, "would you go to bed with me for 50 cents". She shouted,"what sort of a woman do you think i am". He said "we`ve settled that, we`re just haggling about the price now".

There is one word in that entire bolded bit that is remotely interesting, and it’s not in the paragraph where he basically says that every woman’s a whore.

I am somewhat concerned, however, by the fact that the gentleman purports to be an economist, yet under the six things he could never do without he has “An investment in sex pays the best interest. Benjamin Franklin.” While he did manage to cite the correct person this time, I can’t help but wonder if he thinks the quote is six words or that it translates into

1. Sex
2. Sex
3. Sex
4. Sex
5. Sex
6. Sex

Either way, I’m pretty sure he isn’t the brightest bulb in the box if only because the next section reads “I spend a lot of time thinking about if I could have any woman in the world, would looks matter?”

The best part about being messaged by this fine example of masculinity is that today I got another message from him. This one just reads “Interested?”

I'm so charmed.