Ama's Best of Craigslist, Part II: Fetishes Ahoy!

More fun from the Philadelphia, PA Craigslist!

Attn: Flight Attendants - 41 (Airport Marriott)
I am a frequent flyer that is always treated very well in the air. Now it is my turn to pay you back. Let me help you alleviate some of the stress fro traveling. I am a business professional that is considered good looking. 5'9" 188#, with dark hair and great eyes (what others have said). Not looking for anything more than just a nice time where you are the center of attention. I derive a tremendous amount of pleasure from making you feel incredible. Please be a nonsmoker, ddf. Age, weight, and race are not of great importance.

I think my favourite part of this one is that he makes it sound like he's doing the flight attendants a huge favour by offering to shack up with them at the Airport Marriott.

I Love to Lick - m4w - 60 (Phila & Burbs)
Title says it all. I make love with my mouth and tongue front and rear, and can't get enough, and I don't look for reciprocation. I am 60, very nice looking extremely clean, and very respectful; and I am interested in a LTR. If you are interested please put the word licker in the subject line. Thank you.

The...front...and rear...of his tongue?

CFNM -- If you know what this means then I am willing to be the NM - 47 (CC-ChestnutHill-UCity-Yunk-Rox)
Hi ladies... I'm a nice, intelligent guy who enjoys CFNM... I am happy to clean your apt or studio or anything that you want me to do with me being naked and you clothed. No sex, I will just enjoy the experience and take care of myself after I have done whatever you want me to do. 47, six two, two thirty, seven and half... neatly trimmed beard and mustache, Brn Hair, Brn Eyes... I'm experienced and always anxious to please....

Before I read this posting, I had no idea what CFNM. To save you a Googling and coming across the site that I found, it means "Clothed Female Nude Male." It's a relatively tame fetish, so I'm concerned that I've never heard of it before, especially since the website I found was...well...fully stocked with all one's CFNM needs.

Also, calling the Manayunk area of Philly just "Yunk" made me giggle.

Just lie there.

This one seemed literate. I wasn't as skeptical as I usually am.

We exchange our pleasantries, and then he says:

demanding: hmm i'm not sure we're very compatible according to your questions and answers :p

To which I wanted to reply, "Then why did you even IM me?" But I, y'know...didn't. Instead we talked it out.


demanding: you'd let your partner have sex with someone else if they had a fetish to satisfy? :p
demanding: like the biggest fetish i can think of is an amputee
me: that was a tricky one for me.
me: I don't necessarily think sexual infidelity is the same as emotional infidelity, so that might not bother me if it was JUST sex.
demanding: well they are different i agree
me: I'm not into open relationships or anything like that, though. as soon as I saw it was more than superficial, I'd be gone.

This was why we were incompatible? Really?


demanding: well in any case i have a pretty high sex drive and I'm a fairly demanding partner
me: oh. well congratulations on that.
demanding: yeah we're not that compatible :p

Note that I actually said nothing about my own sex drive there. But I will now.


me: it completely boggles my mind that you'd go there right away.
me: that right there tells me something.
demanding: my ex wife used to just lie there
demanding: I'm not going through that again

Whoa, TMI. Didn't need to know that about your ex wife, pal.


me: so wait a minute...
me: you send a total stranger a message on an online dating site, and your first thought is, "I wonder how the sex would be"?

He had no response to that. Too bad. I really wanted to know how that approach worked out for him.

SWM LF FWB

And then one morning, I woke up to this message in my inbox:

hey [my handle], would you be interested in friends with benefits

Do I respond with

A. While I appreciate your upfrontedness, I'm going to have to pass.
B. I am always interested in friends with benefits, just not with you.
C. Wouldn't that require that we be friends first?

I am really wondering, though, if this approach has ever worked in the history of ever. Does anyone know?

Too Much Honesty, Part IV: Are You Curious About the Epilogue?

There I was, minding my own business, when an IM window popped up.

Honest: hi
Me: hello.
Honest: how are you? :D
Me: good & yourself?
Honest: well :D
Me: good to hear!
Honest: :D

Considering we parted on not so friendly terms last time, I was wary. Then I remembered that this man has the memory span of an epileptic goldfish and knew I'd probably, at the very least, get a post out the conversation.

Honest: mmmmmmmmmmmm
Me: mmm?
Honest: mmhmm
Me: is that a happy mmm?
Honest: mmhmm
Honest: wanna make out

It's like death, taxes, and my friend Honest. I am curious to know if this ploy has every worked for him in the jefftyjeff years he's been using it. I decided, however, to go the clueless route.

Me: that would be somewhat difficult considering we're on two ends of a computer.
Honest: well i meant would you like to
Me: in general, yes, i am a fan of making out. with you specifically, i do not know.
Honest: hmmm :p
Me: just bein' honest!
Honest: no need to explain <3

It occurred to me during this last conversation that I've been assuming this whole time that he doesn't remember that he talked to me before, but what if he's thinking the same thing about me? What if he thinks I don't remember us ever talking before? What if it's like some sort of Möbius strip of me thinking he doesn't remember me him thinking I don't remember him me thinking he doesn't remember me?

I'm still voting for MPD, though.

Edit: Oh, and I almost completely forgot to mention! I checked OKCupid's IM logs and apparently he's IMed me not once, but TWICE when I was away from the computer in the past month. Bizarre.

Channeling Flatulence for Fun and Profit

He does WHAT to art?

His profile also says that he's really good at "writing absurdist literature," which I am disinclined to believe given the off the scale reading I got on my Tryingtoohardometer.

Driving: A Useless Gesture

This came after I, again, was insisting that I don't just randomly meet people for the first time at their houses.

Driven: i don't drive
Me: why?
Driven: do i need a reason
Me: no. i was just wondering.
Driven: it's a useless gesture
Me: driving or wondering?
Driven: driving
Me: why?
Driven: how many cars do you see on any given road at any time?
Driven: answer: too many
Driven: how many people die because of automobile?
Driven: too many
Driven: how many gallons of crude oil need pumped from the ground to fuel all of these things?
Driven: too many
Driven: it's disgustingly excessive

Well...okay, then...I'll just take my little driving-enjoying-self and go over here to guzzle some more crude oil.

The Intimidator.

Got this one late last night.

I WILL TRY THIS , YOUR PROFILE IS A LITTLE INTIMIDATING . BUT MAYBE IM NOT YOUR TYPE. I KNOW YOU DNT WNT KIDS BUT THERE ARE GOOD MEN OUT THERE AND SOME OF US DO HAVE KIDS. YOU SEEM BITTER

Wow. You are not making friends, buddy. Shout at a girl, state the obvious, then call her bitter.

And the irony in the matter? In his profile, he gets indignant about how "most women want a black or latino man now," like it's a "fad," and one day they'll "open their eyes" and realize white men are just as good. But he's not bitter! I am. Of course.

I also didn't realize that the ability to string more than three words together in a coherent, grammatically-correct sentence made me "intimidating." I'm sorry, should I say "like" more and twirl my hair around my finger? Does that make me, like, more approachable? (Insert hair twirl here, and a gum pop for good measure.)


So this was my response:

First of all, no need to yell. You might want to turn off your caps lock. It's off-putting.

I'm not particularly fond of kids and don't want to be a parent or in a parental role. It's just my preference. And those good men that have kids can just be good for someone else.

You don't know me or what I've been through, so maybe, if I'm bitter, I have a reason to be. However, I don't feel that's the case. I just know what I want.

And you're right - you're not my type. Good luck.

I was much nicer that I could have been. I'm clearly getting rusty.

I'm actually from Uranus.

Okay, so we're just going to file this under "I Seriously Hope a Head Injury Can Explain this Behavior."


etlover: hey
me: hello.
etlover: how are you
me: fine. you?
etlover: im doin good
etlover: where u from
me: um... did you read my profile?
etlover: only for a sec
me: but not the part right at the top that says...where I'm from?
etlover: ohhh your gettin funny you fucking alien
me: lol. alien? okay.
etlover: extra terestrial
etlover: E.T
me: yeah, I got that part. just not sure why you're calling me one.
etlover: it wouldn't be cause you look like an alien or anything
me: oh, so that's where this is going.
etlover: maybe
me: that would be highly mature and dignified of you.
etlover: stfu you alien
etlover: seriously goo back to mars
me: lol. have you been drinking?
etlover: i dnt drink
me: then what's your excuse?
etlover: the fact that you look like an alien maybe.....
etlover: perhaps
me: oh, you're just a jackass? got it.
etlover: ur an alien
me: okay, if you say so.
etlover: i do say sooo
etlover: i shuld contact the auothorites
me: so you didn't read my profile, and you think I look like an alien. what was the point of IMing me?
etlover: cause ive never talked to a alien before
etlover: and i my penis is quite sizeable
me: well. you still haven't. and...congratulations?
etlover: soo your not an alien
me: not that I'm aware of.
etlover: i beg to differ
me: on what grounds?
etlover: on the grounds that you look liek an alien
me: alright. well I'm about done here. have anything substantial to say, or are you just going to continue being ridiculous?
etlover: alien
me: okay. have a good night, then.
etlover: k alien


I don't even think there's anything else I can say about this. Except that Amadei has Psychic Tagging Abilities.

Jugs.

I had the misfortune of being away from the computer for this one.


realwinner: u look like u have amazing jugs...

...really, dude? Really? I'm not sure if that offends me on principle, or simply because people still use the word "jugs."


realwinner: i guess your not talkative, but i just wanted to give you a compliment. havea nice day.

Oh yes, that's quite a compliment. Making a creepy comment about my breasts.


And then about three hours later, when I was also, sadly, away from the computer...

realwinner: sorry about the comment about your breasts before. i didn't mean to offend u.

Well, uh...at least he apologized. Hopefully my unintentional silence will tell him that's not exactly the best way to approach a woman. Which is probably much nicer than what I would have said to him had I been present.

But At Least We Could Talk About It...

This is the first message I got on OKCupid that made me go "Huh?"

From: [handle redacted, even though I really wanted to leave it as it only adds to the WTFery]
Subject: Hello Brutally Honest

Hi Did you ever just what to shake your parents up ? If yes you should email my back ... By me showing up with a breed ... and old-enough to be your father and some ... we can shake up the world ... I love to travel ... have a motorcycle ... I'm great at canoeing and looking forward canoeing the John Henizs Nature Center near Phil. ... If you reply we can at least talk about it ... ha ... lol ... thanks ... HUGS Howard ... ex New Yorker in Pa

His major selling points include

• the opportunity to "shake my parents up"
• being the same age as my mother
• having much skill with a canoe
  
• being a "breed," and
  
• many ellipses.
  

I know you're all jealous and in SHOCK that I didn't message him back...but being an ex-New Yorker? That's such a dealbreaker for me.

Mental: The Unexpected Part Deux

I wasn't aware there'd be a second installment to this saga, but here we are.

One of my recent entries was about a man who chose to tell me in his first message to me that he was both institutionalized and incarcerated in the past. The manner in which he revealed it did not sit well with me. I didn't reply.

Today he sent me another message. Subject line: "What gives?"

What is it that you didn't like about my message? You didn't even check out my profile. That's not being very open-minded! Oh well, maybe you will reconsider when you aren't having any luck with anyone else. Take care.

First of all... I did read his profile. Sometimes I choose the "browse anonymously" option on OKCupid, so people won't know that I've visited. Not that it mattered, because his (pages-long) message was essentially a re-wording of everything written in his profile. I can't stand it when people do that. There's putting thought into a message, and then there's wasting your time telling me things I can find out easily. Then again, with the frequency most men tell me they don't read my profile...

Secondly, nowhere in my profile do I claim to be open-minded. Do I think I am? Yes. But if you actually read what's written in my profile, I sound exactly the opposite. I reply to messages "very selectively" according to OKCupid (and that's prominently placed), and I say myself that I'm picky. What about that would lead him to believe that he'd get a response in the first place?

And finally... He hopes I'll reconsider when I'm not having any luck? So...what he's saying here is that he wants to be the guy I settle for? Well. That's awesome. And that comes off very rude to me for some reason, as well. Implying that I can't do any better.

I still haven't decided if I'm going to respond.

Ama’s Best of Craigslist, Part I

I know that picking on Craigslist personals is like shooting fish in a barrel, but sometimes I just can't help myself.

From the men looking for women section of the Philadelphia, PA Cragislist.

Looking for a lady who loves tickling feet - 40 (Berwyn)
I am a single professional man with a unique interest. I love having a woman tie me up and tickle torture my feet. There is nothing I can do to hold back the laughter. I also enjoy giving my partner a really good foot tickling and watching her laugh hysterically. I am searching for a woman with very ticklish feet who would like to get together on a regular basis for a few hours of stress relieving mutual tickling fun.

This is weird enough on its own, but what really put me over the edge was that he wants this to be an on-going thing. I’m thinking maybe he should try a Cuddle Party.

NEED TO RELOCATE ? - 55 (upper bucks)
Tired of paying that outragious rent need to get away for whatever reason , this economy sucks so wherever you can save we all do it , which brings me to the subject i have a very lg mobile home in upper bucks your part would be $400-$450 full facilities now for the pitch in lieu of that lowent and if the chemestry is good for us both must include sex from tome to time , if i still got your attn. im drama free you be too. like weightlifting nice home jym m/c harley of course boating and movies ( horror) very laid back semi couch potato if this sounds interesting to you lets meet and talk see what happens . Age unimportant no kids sorry attractive a big plus will only answer to those that also send pic and i will return mine , if i dont write back its probably the fact that every body has a type there looking for maybe i wont be yours either . Sorry about this being a little unorthadox but i dont hang out at clubs and im retired so i dont meet that many people and i suck at supermarkets haha.

In case you didn’t read through that block of text, here’s the synopsis: the man has a large mobile home and is looking for a roommate. The rent would be $400-450, HOWEVER, in lieu of that, if “the chemestry is good for us both must include sex from tome to time.”

So you can either pay that lowent or you can have carnal relations with a laid back semi couch potato. Be still my beating heart.

And for this last one, I’ll keep it simple:

wanna fuck now i can pick u up - 27 (any where in philly)
just wanting to fuck i can pick u up drop u off and i can host send a pic or descreiption or yuor number ill send a pic

That is just so undeniably classy.

What cracks me up the most is that he's so desperate to get laid that he'll post that ad, but he has standards so he needs to see the woman's picture first. Riiight....

Do you understand the words coming out of my fingers?

This eloquent gentleman sent me an IM last night.


mrilliterate: what up
me: hello.
mrilliterate: u have yahoo or aol
me: yes.
mrilliterate: add me

Uh, excuse you. Don't tell me what to do. And we're talking here. What's the rush?


me: why would I do that?
mrilliterate: to talk more
me: and how do I know I want to talk to you?
mrilliterate: lol
me: oh, great answer.

At this point, I'm wondering if he can even comprehend sentences longer than two words...


mrilliterate: how do i look
me: is that supposed to be the deciding factor?
mrilliterate: k

That's...not an answer.


mrilliterate: what u think of my profile
me: haven't read it. I'm unimpressed with the sentence fragments I'm seeing here thus far.

He doesn't know what that means.

Then just when I thought he was gone...


mrilliterate: u read it yet
me: yes.
mrilliterate: what u think
me: what do you think I think?
mrilliterate: idk
me: did you read MY profile? because then I think you'd know.

He's a hardcore Christian, and he's into things like four-wheeling and NASCAR. He mentions he had to have someone type out his profile for him so that it was comprehensible. Oh, and he lives 1000 miles away. No thanks.


mrilliterate: no
me: oh, so I'm expected to read yours but you can't give me the same courtesy? that's nice of you.
mrilliterate: nice

He's reminding me of someone who is clearly not listening when someone else is talking, so they pick out key words and repeat them to make it appear as if they're paying attention. Those nineteen words were obviously TL;DR for him.


me: I'm pretty sure you just sent me an IM because I have boobs.
mrilliterate: no
me: then why if you don't even know what I'm about?
mrilliterate: just u was on and your pic was cuite
me: same thing.

First of all... "You was"? That makes me twitchy. And second... I really, sincerely do not understand this. We have online dating profiles so that we can learn something about a person first and not waste their time talking when we're not compatible. Unless I'm wrong and "your pic was cuite" is enough upon which to base a relationship.


Thankfully he got the hint after that. Oy.

Also, He Is Single, Easy Going, and Gentle

I woke up one morning, and had this waiting for me in my inbox:

Hiya,

How are you? You are truly a beautiful woman, and it would be my privilege to be able to talk with you and get to know you more If intrested please add my ID: shanxxxx@yahoo.com or shanxxxx@gmail.com. Thanks

-Shan

And, for a moment, I thought, "Well, that's kinda cheesy, but cute in a way, so let's take a look at his profile because the last thing we want to do is to make snap decisions, yeah?" So I looked.

I have a theory, and one that may be totally off-base, but I have this theory that he's looking for someone who's sincere, loyal, honest, and doesn't play games. I also get this feeling that she has to have a great sense of humour because he's very sarcastic and she has to be able to keep up.

But that's just this sort of feeling I have. No idea how I could have come to that kind of notion, though.

Mental.

Okay, so this one's semi-serious. I feel bad, but at the same time, I also...don't.

Imagine, if you will, you're at a bar with your friends. An average-looking guy approaches you and this is his opening line: "Hi, I'm [Name]. I suffer from bipolar disorder, paranoia, hallucinations, and aggressive outbursts, and was institutionalized at a mental health facility for a significant amount of time. But I'm not a sociopath! Oh, I've also been incarcerated in two different maximum-security prisons. Wanna go out?"

Show of hands, ladies: Who's gonna say yes? Anyone?

Look, we all have history. And we all have our problems. Whoever he gets involved with does need to know about this stuff, I think, and it's great that he's willing to be honest. But seriously? In the first message? At least if he'd eased into it, I could potentially say, "Here's a nice guy with an unfortunate past." But this way he's just a mentally-ill ex-con and...not much else.

It's a tough thing to have to deal with, and either way, he's going to face some judgment. But dude, give yourself a chance by letting her know you first. That's all I'm sayin'.

Bitchin' About Bitches!

Hi all what's up I'm bored and sick of meeting dumb girls at the bars. They always turn out screwed up in some way. I hate clingy whiney girls. I like a girl that knows what she wants and goes out there and gets it . I'm adventurous I love the outdoors and riding my motorcylce

Problems as I see them:

1. That's his entire profile.

2. He spends over half of his profile complaining about women.

3. Knowing what one wants and going out to get it is not mutually exclusive from being dumb, screwed up, clingy, or whiney (sic).

4. I have no idea what a motorcylce is, but I imagine it's some kind of prehistoric amphibian.

Too Much Honesty, Part III: The Thrilling Conclusion

And now, the end to my conversations with Honest. The last thing I said on our last conversation was simply “lol.” A few hours later, he IMed me again.

Honest: eh?
Honest: hi

I’m guessing that he walked away before he had read my final message. We exchanged some pleasantries, and then he said,

Honest: missed talking to you

Uh, what? That’s strange considering he was the one who stomped off in a schoolgirl huff.

Honest: wanna snuggle?

Well, that was quick.

Then he asked me what my OKCupid name was because he forgot to save it, but never fear that we strayed into normality for too long because where there’s a will, there’s a way…

Honest: wanna make love?
Me: you are quite persistent.
Honest: ?
Me: i feel like you've asked me that before.
Honest: well i want to
Me: so i gathered.

At this point, I began to seriously consider multiple personalities or extreme marijuana use. Then, I thought, “No, he can’t not remember that we talked earlier today,” but then he asked me if I was a virgin…which…he’d already asked me previously, so…I’m thinking MPD, but they’re all the same personality.

Honest: and you do too but woried out being used

Let’s consider this for a moment. If I’m worried about being used, on what earth would the best approach be to just keep asking me to snuggle and “make love?”

Honest: talk to me
Honest: i'm not going to use or hurt you
Me: that is nice of you to say.
Honest: whats your deal??
Me: about what?
Honest: why are you so hard to get a real reply out of
Me: what real reply would you like?
Honest: a real one
Honest: not cold or removed?

I have not the words.

Honest: talk to me
Me: about what?
Honest: hellooo
Honest: wake up
Honest: snap out of it
Honest: talk to me

I think, perhaps, he wants me to talk to him.

Me: about what?
Honest: .......
Honest: nevermind bye
Me: ta!
Honest: i cant stand people with nothing interesting to say

I thought he was leaving…but, since he opened up that can of worms…

Me: are you kidding me?
Me: your entire repertoire has been "i want to make love" and you're telling me i have nothing to say?
Me: please.
Honest: i actualyl asked you to talk to me a bunch
Honest: and fuck you

Which is exactly what he’d been trying to do for the duration of our conversation, and it still hadn’t worked, so I’m wondering if he was trying a more direct approach or if he was trying to be insulting. Gah, I can never figure out men.

My response, again, was “lol,” and…you guessed it…about an hour later, he responded with “?” Rather than start up another conversation and have this continue on to Part IV, I responded with something like “oh, you’re back again?” I think he got the hint.

But if any Psychology majors (or amateur psychologists) want to explain to me what just happened, I’m all ears. ;)

Match this.

So I finally gave in and subscribed to match.com, after being notified every day via email that I had unread messages. Four of them. And this is what I found.


The first message was sent February 5. And once I looked at his username, I realized...this schmuck Googled my username, found me on Yahoo messenger, and sent me an IM. Like...a day after he sent the message. He didn't identify himself at the time, and I never gave out my IM name in my profile. I just thought he was a random, but...apparently not. I mean, yes, I use the same name everywhere. But that doesn't mean he should be Googling me. That's creepy.


This is the opening line of the next one, sent on the 25:

So, tell me a little more about your self and let me know what some of your interests are

No "hello." No "hi, I'm So-and-so." Just a demand. Like, um...what if I don't want to? Rude.

As for me I work for Fedex and I drive tractor trailers 8pm to 8am for them mon - sat, I'm out sat morn and don't go back till mon night. It is hard for me to find someone that can put up with this work time

Personally, I'd be excited if you were gone a lot... I mean... What?

most of my relationships were 5-8 yrs long my last one ended in oct 08 after 8 1/2 yr, sense then I've have a few.

Great to know, but am I alone in thinking that's not really suitable material for a first message?

ages from 24-38 and I find you to be very Beautiful, from your profile.

What are the ages for? And I do so Love random Capitalization to emphasize Words that should be Appealing to Me.

So if you'd like to take a chance and grab coffee one of these mornings and or chat and wait for the weekend to go out for lunch/dinner I'm here, So either way drop me a line back and let me know ok thank you either way, hopefuly it's good, but if not I wish you good luck and to take care

Moving a little fast there, bucko. Go out for coffee, like, now-ish...or just wait for the weekend? How about something like, "Message me back if you want to talk, and maybe we can go out sometime"? This is why men fail at online dating. Most women are not going to be all, "OMG YES, let's go out tomorrow!" Assuming that will be the course, then getting upset when it's not reality, is why a lot of women do not want to talk to you.


And finally, from the 26:

hi there cutie!! i'm Mitch and just want to tell you that this could work!!!

Oh really, Mitch? I'm not so sure about that.

i'm a friendly and happy guy who loves to make people laugh and have a good time and kill boredom!!don't beat yourself up sweety ok!

Um, what? Where did I "beat myself up"? And you called me "sweety." Done.

i'm a down to earth man and love to have a goos friend to share many things with,i am a little stocky and hope that is not an incovenience??!!!,, i go to the gym a lot and have a proportioned body(i think)but i DO NOT have a six pack!!!,,lol,,,just a regular tummy,but i do not have a complex so i am happy regardless

It is not an inconvenience!!!!!! But it would appear, since you had to make a point of mentioning it, that you do have a complex!!!!! Otherwise you wouldn't feel the need to talk about it??!!!!

can we be friends?

...no.


The fourth message wasn't that bad. I know, I'm depriving you all. My apologies.

Should I just reply to all of these with, "How about no?" heh.