Of course, if it were as simple as just my last entry, then I doubt Honest would have gotten much of a mention. The second time we talked, he waxed less philosophical and focused mainly on, well…
Honest: how tall are you?
Me: about 5'4
Wait, what? How tall am I? What’s next—he’s going to ask me how much I weigh ‘cause there ain’t no way I’m divulging that information…
Honest: are you any good at kissing?
While I suppose that makes more sense, it’s not the next question I’d expect after “how tall are you?” even if “how tall are you?” was a question I would have expected in the first place.
It was around this point that I gave him my AIM name because the OKCupid IM client was acting up for him. He IMs me with…
Honest: apologie axepted
…which makes no sense whatsoever even if I translate it into “apology accepted” because I hadn’t apologized about anything. Then we get into the nitty gritty.
Honest: what turns you on?
Me: hm. i'm not sure.
Honest: how many guys have you been with?
Me: do you think that would make a difference?
Honest: i'm just curious
Just once, I'd love a guy to answer the question I asked because I'd really, really like to know the answer.
Oh, and "just curious" indeed. Keep in mind that the first time we spoke, he spoke at length about how the whole one man/one woman paradigm was a ridiculous social construct, yet he’s interested in how many guys I’ve slept with. Hm.
Honest: so would you care to snuggle then?
Me: i don't normally jump right into snuggling. :P
Honest: i didn't know jumping was involved!!!
Me: i don't normally segue straight into snuggling?
Honest: i see
Honest: well how do you go from not to snuggling then?
Honest: time travel?
Me: dinner's usually a nice start. lol
Honest: dinner where?
Me: a mutually agreeable spot? i donno. :P
Honest: huh?
Suddenly I'm Chris Tucker in Rush Hour typing very slowing "Do you understand the words that are comin' off of my fingers?"
Me: i suppose i'm saying that i usually see if there's any spark at all before i actually snuggle someone.
Honest: well i feel it, if you don't hmm
This is the second time we’ve spoken and he feels a spark. I'm beginning to feel like men are flint and tinder whereas women are...like...wet wood on a cloudy day, but you really want the fire, so you put all this effort into getting the wood and putting it in the fireplace and trying to start a fire, but the damn wood's too wet, so you trudge back out to the woodpile and start looking for a better piece of wood, but you can't find one and you get so frustrated that you kick the dog and...
Wait, where was I going with that?
Honest: i want you
Me: why?
Honest: you seem sexy fun & yum
Me: so what turns you on?
Honest: you
OMG! NO WAI!!
That is one of the clichéd things EVER.
Honest: i need food
Me: then i suggest you eat! :D
Honest: ok, when do we get to make love?
Me: you seem a bit fixated.
Honest: fixated?
Me: on this whole making love thing.
Honest: or maybe you have had a long dry spell so talking about it seems, to you, like its being said lot
I prefer to call it a “self-imposed self-introspective journey into the workings of my sexual psyche,” but I suppose “dry spell” works, too. Or I could just be picky.
And as one of my male friends said: "Isn't 'have sex' or 'fuck' more appropriate in this context?"
But this...this, I think, is my favourite part:
Me: you have no idea who i am, yet you want to have sex with me.
Honest: did you read my profile?
Me: mmhmm
Honest: did you see the part where it says i read people
Me: mmhmm
Snip from his profile, which I’ll admit I didn’t remember because I didn’t bother to look at it the second time he messaged me:
Trying to "know" someone is about as useful and real as trying to "see" darkness. If you truly know yourself, you all ready know everyone else. Please stop with this typical bullshit. No one is a stranger, if you think so, i deeply pity you.
(Editor's Note: I looked through his whole profile and couldn't really find a reference to "reading people" anywhere in it, so I'm guessing he meant that part)
Whoops.
Honest: so why say the "no idea who i am" bit?
Me: i mean literally. i could be a 55 year old man.
Honest: yea and i could be the pope
Me: which is sort of my point. i've kept myself out of the headlines of being abducted by a strange man on the internet by not hooking up with strange men on the internet.
Honest: ok so now i'm "a strange man from the internet"
Me: until proven otherwise, everyone is a strange person on the internet.
Honest: what a middle ages aproach to personal interaction
Me: no, a middle ages approach would be letting my father decide who i marry because he wants to secure some land or an alliance.
Honest: i was talking more of the inquisition
Me: so you're offended?
Honest: no, it just makes you look kinda backwards & repressed
Me: lol
Me: because i won't just meet up with you and snuggle?
Honest: no, because you are claiming i'm a stranger
Me: you are a stranger until i've actually met you.
Honest: then we have nothing further to discuss
Nothing further to discuss? I suppose that means there will be no Part III of this saga…oh, wait…
Stay tuned for the grand finale!
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Too Much Honesty, Part I
The first time I spoke with this guy, it started off with...
Honest: hi
Me: hello
Honest: how are ya
Me: pretty good & yourself?
Honest: eh
Me: that doesn't sound good.
Honest: tired of idiots
Me: aren't we all?
Honest: cant find a woman that isnt uptight & full of stupid ideas
Which is delightful considering the "stupid ideas" were about marriage and religion, and I happen to be one of those women who wants to get married.
The second time he IMed me, it started like this:
Honest: hi
Me: hello
Honest: how are you
Me: pretty good & yourself?
Honest: irritated
He's just a little ray of sunshine, isn't he?
Honest: hi
Me: hello
Honest: how are ya
Me: pretty good & yourself?
Honest: eh
Me: that doesn't sound good.
Honest: tired of idiots
Me: aren't we all?
Honest: cant find a woman that isnt uptight & full of stupid ideas
Which is delightful considering the "stupid ideas" were about marriage and religion, and I happen to be one of those women who wants to get married.
The second time he IMed me, it started like this:
Honest: hi
Me: hello
Honest: how are you
Me: pretty good & yourself?
Honest: irritated
He's just a little ray of sunshine, isn't he?
Friday, February 26, 2010
All Lobotomy Patients Apply Here
This isn't an actual Rotten Fish, but as it has to do with Internet dating, I feel that it deserves to be mentioned.
I signed into Facebook this morning and was greeted by the following ad on the side of my screen:
Which is a shame really...because I'm looking for an unconscious man. Preferably one who's been in a coma for at least five years with his Magic 8 Ball constantly coming up with "Outlook not so good." Oh, and he has to be a millionaire.
But I'm not picky.
I signed into Facebook this morning and was greeted by the following ad on the side of my screen:
Which is a shame really...because I'm looking for an unconscious man. Preferably one who's been in a coma for at least five years with his Magic 8 Ball constantly coming up with "Outlook not so good." Oh, and he has to be a millionaire.But I'm not picky.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Return of IRMEDD420
What I neglected to mention in this post was that our good friend IRMEDD420 actually did IM me later that day. You remember IRMEDD420, right? He CAN BE A VERY SEXUALLY DOMINANT MAN and you should message him if you don’t mind that he doesn’t have a car. Now that we’re up to speed…
Because I am, at heart, a nice person, I talked to him for a while. Here are some choice snippets:
IRMEDD420: which pic is mosr recent?
IRMEDD420: most*
Me: the one at the top with the headphones.
Implied text: Y’know, the one labeled “November 2009” whereas the other two are labeled “May 2009” and “April 2009.”
IRMEDD420: i would love to take you out
Me: why's that?
IRMEDD420: cause your sexy lol
Me: well, that's a given. :P
Don’t look at me like that; you know I’m sexy.
IRMEDD420: you like a dominant guy?
Me: i suppose it depends on what he's dominating at.
IRMEDD420: in a sexual way
I gave him an out! Did you see that? I gave him an opening to not be creepy AND HE DIDN’T TAKE IT.
IRMEDD420: i bet your body is nice
Me: it has its moments.
IRMEDD420: i wish i could see your ass
If wishes were fishes, my friend.
IRMEDD420: you wanna go out tiffany?
Either he has more than one conversation going or he’s taking me out to buy some expensive jewelry. I’d go if it were the latter.
Me: to tiffany?
IRMEDD420: sorry that was another i/m comp keeps fucking up
IRMEDD420: i want to take you :)
IRMEDD420: out*
IRMEDD420: lol
IRMEDD420: [telephone number redacted, though I was tempted to leave it in hopes someone would prank him]
Yes. Yes, he did just give me his telephone number. If only it worked like that with that cute guy over there.
Me: pretend you're me for a minute. some random dude ims you and says he wants to take you out. you know nothing about this person. why would i want to put myself at risk like that?
IRMEDD420: are you attracted to me? i'm attracted to you i've made that quite clear
What I’m gathering from this is that because he finds me attractive, we should go out. I’m guessing that works on some girls, but considering he called me another girl’s name, I’m disinclined to acquiesce to his request.
Means no.
IRMEDD420: [gives his number again]
Me: do you think you're more likely to take me out if you speak to me?
IRMEDD420: yes
Me: why's that?
IRMEDD420: idk if you dont wanna i wont beg
Me: indeed.
IRMEDD420: so whats the decision woman?
Me: i'm gonna have to pass.
Seriously? He’s not going to beg, but he gave me his number twice? If that’s not begging, I don’t know what is. :P
I also wish he'd actually answered my question. Why would speaking to him make it more likely that we'd go out?
Because I am, at heart, a nice person, I talked to him for a while. Here are some choice snippets:
IRMEDD420: which pic is mosr recent?
IRMEDD420: most*
Me: the one at the top with the headphones.
Implied text: Y’know, the one labeled “November 2009” whereas the other two are labeled “May 2009” and “April 2009.”
IRMEDD420: i would love to take you out
Me: why's that?
IRMEDD420: cause your sexy lol
Me: well, that's a given. :P
Don’t look at me like that; you know I’m sexy.
IRMEDD420: you like a dominant guy?
Me: i suppose it depends on what he's dominating at.
IRMEDD420: in a sexual way
I gave him an out! Did you see that? I gave him an opening to not be creepy AND HE DIDN’T TAKE IT.
IRMEDD420: i bet your body is nice
Me: it has its moments.
IRMEDD420: i wish i could see your ass
If wishes were fishes, my friend.
IRMEDD420: you wanna go out tiffany?
Either he has more than one conversation going or he’s taking me out to buy some expensive jewelry. I’d go if it were the latter.
Me: to tiffany?
IRMEDD420: sorry that was another i/m comp keeps fucking up
IRMEDD420: i want to take you :)
IRMEDD420: out*
IRMEDD420: lol
IRMEDD420: [telephone number redacted, though I was tempted to leave it in hopes someone would prank him]
Yes. Yes, he did just give me his telephone number. If only it worked like that with that cute guy over there.
Me: pretend you're me for a minute. some random dude ims you and says he wants to take you out. you know nothing about this person. why would i want to put myself at risk like that?
IRMEDD420: are you attracted to me? i'm attracted to you i've made that quite clear
What I’m gathering from this is that because he finds me attractive, we should go out. I’m guessing that works on some girls, but considering he called me another girl’s name, I’m disinclined to acquiesce to his request.
Means no.
IRMEDD420: [gives his number again]
Me: do you think you're more likely to take me out if you speak to me?
IRMEDD420: yes
Me: why's that?
IRMEDD420: idk if you dont wanna i wont beg
Me: indeed.
IRMEDD420: so whats the decision woman?
Me: i'm gonna have to pass.
Seriously? He’s not going to beg, but he gave me his number twice? If that’s not begging, I don’t know what is. :P
I also wish he'd actually answered my question. Why would speaking to him make it more likely that we'd go out?
Monday, February 22, 2010
The Traditional Approach.
Today I bring you a couple more shining examples of the kind of men on the market for us single ladies, courtesy CraigsList (once again).
This one comes from the Hartford M4W LTR section.
So, this is totally messed up. I'm warning you, if you are in any way easily offended, just stop now, close it, I don't want to get emails telling me I'm messed up, I don't care.
I hate when I meet a girl who seems nice enough, cute, not dumb, has a job, etc, we go on a few dates, one thing leads to another, I'm going down on her, and her pussy is a mess. I'm realizing that how good a care a woman takes of herself there really relates to the rest of her life pretty accurately. So, send me a pussy picture. Everyone is hesitant to get to send out face photos are first anyways, so don't, snap a picture of yourself with your phone and email it to me. If it looks clean and delicious, we'll chat, if I don't respond, sorry! Sex isn't everything, but I want a woman who pays attention to detail and I think this will be a great indicator.
First of all, the fact that he knows this is weird? He gets an A+ for self-awareness, which indicates to me that he's not entirely certifiable. And he has a fair point, so long as he's relating it to prior experience. HOWEVER... Dude, just...no. I can see if he worked his way into it. Like... "We should talk for a while, then I'd like to see a picture of your pussy to determine if we're compatible." But to ask right away? That's a little off-putting. I'm tempted to reply (text only) just to see how much free porn he's collected.
And then this gem from Western Massachusetts M4W LTR.
looking for a girl has always been kinda hard for me .. ive been told i have kinda high standards. i dont think i do i jus look for a girl who is between 5'3" - 5'6". white or latina. between 17-21 years old. someone who wants a baby. i can be in a relationship wit yu.. or honestly im down for gettin a girl prego an they jus havin the baby givin it to me n bouncin. but. i kno this isnt really the place to look for this kinda stuff. but if interested send a message. its nice to have pics too. please non-judgmental ladies please. (im bi)
Whoa, there is...so much here.
He doesn't think he has high standards - but all he wants is a girl between 5'3" and 5'6". Nope, not picky at all. Oh, and he also wants her to be white or latina. That certainly does not exclude approximately 80% of the world's population or anything. And she needs to be between 17 and 21, and also want a baby. Sounds to me like he could go for just about anyone!
But wait just a minute... He wants to knock up a chick and take the baby? It's all coming together... He's really just looking for an egg donor. That's why all the qualifications. More power to him, but on CraigsList? I know fertility clinics are expensive, but at least try Match.com instead.
And I love that he's worried about women judging his bisexuality. Because the other part of this is entirely normal.
Just another day looking for love on the internet...
This one comes from the Hartford M4W LTR section.
So, this is totally messed up. I'm warning you, if you are in any way easily offended, just stop now, close it, I don't want to get emails telling me I'm messed up, I don't care.
I hate when I meet a girl who seems nice enough, cute, not dumb, has a job, etc, we go on a few dates, one thing leads to another, I'm going down on her, and her pussy is a mess. I'm realizing that how good a care a woman takes of herself there really relates to the rest of her life pretty accurately. So, send me a pussy picture. Everyone is hesitant to get to send out face photos are first anyways, so don't, snap a picture of yourself with your phone and email it to me. If it looks clean and delicious, we'll chat, if I don't respond, sorry! Sex isn't everything, but I want a woman who pays attention to detail and I think this will be a great indicator.
First of all, the fact that he knows this is weird? He gets an A+ for self-awareness, which indicates to me that he's not entirely certifiable. And he has a fair point, so long as he's relating it to prior experience. HOWEVER... Dude, just...no. I can see if he worked his way into it. Like... "We should talk for a while, then I'd like to see a picture of your pussy to determine if we're compatible." But to ask right away? That's a little off-putting. I'm tempted to reply (text only) just to see how much free porn he's collected.
And then this gem from Western Massachusetts M4W LTR.
looking for a girl has always been kinda hard for me .. ive been told i have kinda high standards. i dont think i do i jus look for a girl who is between 5'3" - 5'6". white or latina. between 17-21 years old. someone who wants a baby. i can be in a relationship wit yu.. or honestly im down for gettin a girl prego an they jus havin the baby givin it to me n bouncin. but. i kno this isnt really the place to look for this kinda stuff. but if interested send a message. its nice to have pics too. please non-judgmental ladies please. (im bi)
Whoa, there is...so much here.
He doesn't think he has high standards - but all he wants is a girl between 5'3" and 5'6". Nope, not picky at all. Oh, and he also wants her to be white or latina. That certainly does not exclude approximately 80% of the world's population or anything. And she needs to be between 17 and 21, and also want a baby. Sounds to me like he could go for just about anyone!
But wait just a minute... He wants to knock up a chick and take the baby? It's all coming together... He's really just looking for an egg donor. That's why all the qualifications. More power to him, but on CraigsList? I know fertility clinics are expensive, but at least try Match.com instead.
And I love that he's worried about women judging his bisexuality. Because the other part of this is entirely normal.
Just another day looking for love on the internet...
Sunday, February 21, 2010
This is why we do not talk about boobs.
This guy had IMd me several times prior. The first time, he was a little creepy, but meant well. So I talked to him for a while. Then he got creepier, like calling me by my full name after Facebook-stalking me, and constantly asking me if I was talking to other guys, so I tried to get rid of him. But that was in July. He's gotten a bit more direct since then, it would seem.
weirdguy: hey
weirdguy: nice cleavage there - flaunt it
me: ugh.
weirdguy: just stating facts'
weirdguy: but yes - i guess i need to get laid soon to - right?
me: how would I know?
weirdguy: looking at the pic and noticing only the cleavage perhaps is a giveaway?
me: that just makes me think you're kind of an ass.
weirdguy: all men are - lookss like you never had one to know that
You all saw that I didn't start that, right? He brought it on himself, then decided to go for the low blow when I didn't like his approach. I totally didn't start that.
me: well that's a very nice thing to say.
weirdguy: only as nice as you are
me: if you say so.
weirdguy: just said it - didnt i?
me: "if you say so" does not imply doubt as to whether you actually said so.
me: you're not very good at this.
weirdguy: does evince a marked degree of compositional activity
weirdguy: that tends to have a rhythm
weirdguy: however, checkered by incompetence
weirdguy: correct - not very good at this
LOLWUT? Someone got a new "word of the day" calendar.
me: and what is it you're after?
weirdguy: friends with benefits
me: you won't get it here.
weirdguy: figured that out when i knew you didnt understand men
me: what I don't understand are generalizations. that's all.
me: and for the record, you either have a brain, or at the very least, a thesaurus. lead with that rather than comments about a woman's tits and maybe you'll get a better response.
weirdguy: no point in wasting my time there
me: well it's unfortunate you feel it's a waste of time.
What a chore, showing a potential partner you're more than a penis with limbs. I mean, what good could potentially come of that? Booooring.
weirdguy: what to do - not getting anywhere with this
me: you should have figured that out before you even sent me a message. we've talked before, you were still an ass then, and I was still uninterested.
weirdguy: women turn around when they have not had a man in their lives for a long time - guess not you
So I'm supposed to finally get so sick of being alone that I lower my standards just enough to be with the likes of you? And again with the generalizations.
weirdguy: good luck with your life
me: lol, okay. back at ya.
weirdguy: i am all set for now - thank you - bye bye
me: try not to IM me again, thanks.
weirdguy: sure - will "try" not to
Ten bucks says I hear from him again. Because they never remember they've talked to you before, no matter how horribly it went. And despite the fact that the site saves all your chat logs and shows them in the current IM window.
And here's a short but confusing exchange from last night.
40somethingdude: you need to be an older man.........
me: why would I want to be an older man?
40somethingdude: duh????
me: I'm afraid I don't understand what you're getting at.
Is this reference to my "gay man in a straight woman's body" comment? His profile said he was straight, so that would make no sense. Did he mean "be WITH an older man"? He should have caught that when I didn't get it. I just... I don't know. Perceptive, this one.
weirdguy: hey
weirdguy: nice cleavage there - flaunt it
me: ugh.
weirdguy: just stating facts'
weirdguy: but yes - i guess i need to get laid soon to - right?
me: how would I know?
weirdguy: looking at the pic and noticing only the cleavage perhaps is a giveaway?
me: that just makes me think you're kind of an ass.
weirdguy: all men are - lookss like you never had one to know that
You all saw that I didn't start that, right? He brought it on himself, then decided to go for the low blow when I didn't like his approach. I totally didn't start that.
me: well that's a very nice thing to say.
weirdguy: only as nice as you are
me: if you say so.
weirdguy: just said it - didnt i?
me: "if you say so" does not imply doubt as to whether you actually said so.
me: you're not very good at this.
weirdguy: does evince a marked degree of compositional activity
weirdguy: that tends to have a rhythm
weirdguy: however, checkered by incompetence
weirdguy: correct - not very good at this
LOLWUT? Someone got a new "word of the day" calendar.
me: and what is it you're after?
weirdguy: friends with benefits
me: you won't get it here.
weirdguy: figured that out when i knew you didnt understand men
me: what I don't understand are generalizations. that's all.
me: and for the record, you either have a brain, or at the very least, a thesaurus. lead with that rather than comments about a woman's tits and maybe you'll get a better response.
weirdguy: no point in wasting my time there
me: well it's unfortunate you feel it's a waste of time.
What a chore, showing a potential partner you're more than a penis with limbs. I mean, what good could potentially come of that? Booooring.
weirdguy: what to do - not getting anywhere with this
me: you should have figured that out before you even sent me a message. we've talked before, you were still an ass then, and I was still uninterested.
weirdguy: women turn around when they have not had a man in their lives for a long time - guess not you
So I'm supposed to finally get so sick of being alone that I lower my standards just enough to be with the likes of you? And again with the generalizations.
weirdguy: good luck with your life
me: lol, okay. back at ya.
weirdguy: i am all set for now - thank you - bye bye
me: try not to IM me again, thanks.
weirdguy: sure - will "try" not to
Ten bucks says I hear from him again. Because they never remember they've talked to you before, no matter how horribly it went. And despite the fact that the site saves all your chat logs and shows them in the current IM window.
And here's a short but confusing exchange from last night.
40somethingdude: you need to be an older man.........
me: why would I want to be an older man?
40somethingdude: duh????
me: I'm afraid I don't understand what you're getting at.
Is this reference to my "gay man in a straight woman's body" comment? His profile said he was straight, so that would make no sense. Did he mean "be WITH an older man"? He should have caught that when I didn't get it. I just... I don't know. Perceptive, this one.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Internet and the Art of Speed Dating
I think what gets me the most about Internet dating is that people tend to want to go at the speed of light instead of letting a relationship grow and blossom on its own accord.
CraftyCanuck: hi there
Me: hello
CraftyCanuck: nice tomeeet u
This is exactly what I mean. We haven’t actually met, have we? Not even in really the Internet-meaning of “meet” as I don’t even know his name. He did, eventually, introduce himself, though. Then, the moving too fast continued.
CraftyCanuck: have you been single long
Me: about a year, i suppose.
CraftyCanuck: not much fun is it
Gets right down to business, doesn’t he?
CraftyCanuck: i am 40 is that ok with you
Me: why wouldn't it be?
CraftyCanuck: thought you might be looking for around your age
Me: according to your profile, you're also in canada, no?
My point here is that even if he’s forty years old, HE’S IN CANADA, so it’s no skin off my nose to just talk to the guy. According to Google Maps, he’s approximately seven hours from where I live. This nuance was lost on CraftyCanuck, though, as he proceeded to tell me that Canada’s “not that far” from where I live.
Unless his penis is made of solid gold, I’m pretty sure it’s “that far.”
CraftyCanuck: do you have kids?
Me: nope.
Me: unless you count my kitten.
CraftyCanuck: lol do you want kids
Me: someday. :)
CraftyCanuck: kool how many do you want?
Me: somewhere between 1 and 3.
CraftyCanuck: kool 3-4 would be nice
At this point, we’ve been talking for approximately ten minutes. Now, I want kids. I really want kids. I would like nothing more than to have a couple running around willy-nilly. I feel, however, that this is more of a third/fourth date sort of conversation.
In other words, bringing it up now? Not gonna lie—that’s creepy. Not as creepy as this, though:
CraftyCanuck: do u drive
Me: i do.
CraftyCanuck: me2
CraftyCanuck: do u have ur own place
Me: i have a roommate.
CraftyCanuck: they always there lol
Me: most of the time.
CraftyCanuck: ok then you might have to come here lol
Because driving to Canada to meet some forty year old guy I’ve been talking to for twenty minutes is a FABULOUS IDEA. Let me go fill up my car with some gasoline and hit the road!
Let's be clear here: when I had an Internet friend who I had met before in person come stay with me, I made sure my roommate would be home not because I didn't trust that Internet friend but because I trust no Internet people the first few times.
I believe this has kept me out of the newspaper headlines.
CraftyCanuck: maybe we should talk on the phone next then
CraftyCanuck: would u like that?
Me: i don't generally give out my phone number to people i've talked to once.
CraftyCanuck: i dont bite lol
Me: i'm sure.
CraftyCanuck: kool it would be niceto sayhi
CraftyCanuck: whats your number plz
Me: i'm not giving out my number. sorry.
CraftyCanuck: no prob just thought be niceto talk
And thus the conversation ended on a bit of a whiny note from my new Canadian friend. After that, he asked me what I liked to do, and I answered, but didn't get another response.
Note to self: Be more forceful when stating that I’m not giving out my phone number. Something more like “HELL TO THE NO, CREEPSTER.”
CraftyCanuck: hi there
Me: hello
CraftyCanuck: nice tomeeet u
This is exactly what I mean. We haven’t actually met, have we? Not even in really the Internet-meaning of “meet” as I don’t even know his name. He did, eventually, introduce himself, though. Then, the moving too fast continued.
CraftyCanuck: have you been single long
Me: about a year, i suppose.
CraftyCanuck: not much fun is it
Gets right down to business, doesn’t he?
CraftyCanuck: i am 40 is that ok with you
Me: why wouldn't it be?
CraftyCanuck: thought you might be looking for around your age
Me: according to your profile, you're also in canada, no?
My point here is that even if he’s forty years old, HE’S IN CANADA, so it’s no skin off my nose to just talk to the guy. According to Google Maps, he’s approximately seven hours from where I live. This nuance was lost on CraftyCanuck, though, as he proceeded to tell me that Canada’s “not that far” from where I live.
Unless his penis is made of solid gold, I’m pretty sure it’s “that far.”
CraftyCanuck: do you have kids?
Me: nope.
Me: unless you count my kitten.
CraftyCanuck: lol do you want kids
Me: someday. :)
CraftyCanuck: kool how many do you want?
Me: somewhere between 1 and 3.
CraftyCanuck: kool 3-4 would be nice
At this point, we’ve been talking for approximately ten minutes. Now, I want kids. I really want kids. I would like nothing more than to have a couple running around willy-nilly. I feel, however, that this is more of a third/fourth date sort of conversation.
In other words, bringing it up now? Not gonna lie—that’s creepy. Not as creepy as this, though:
CraftyCanuck: do u drive
Me: i do.
CraftyCanuck: me2
CraftyCanuck: do u have ur own place
Me: i have a roommate.
CraftyCanuck: they always there lol
Me: most of the time.
CraftyCanuck: ok then you might have to come here lol
Because driving to Canada to meet some forty year old guy I’ve been talking to for twenty minutes is a FABULOUS IDEA. Let me go fill up my car with some gasoline and hit the road!
Let's be clear here: when I had an Internet friend who I had met before in person come stay with me, I made sure my roommate would be home not because I didn't trust that Internet friend but because I trust no Internet people the first few times.
I believe this has kept me out of the newspaper headlines.
CraftyCanuck: maybe we should talk on the phone next then
CraftyCanuck: would u like that?
Me: i don't generally give out my phone number to people i've talked to once.
CraftyCanuck: i dont bite lol
Me: i'm sure.
CraftyCanuck: kool it would be niceto sayhi
CraftyCanuck: whats your number plz
Me: i'm not giving out my number. sorry.
CraftyCanuck: no prob just thought be niceto talk
And thus the conversation ended on a bit of a whiny note from my new Canadian friend. After that, he asked me what I liked to do, and I answered, but didn't get another response.
Note to self: Be more forceful when stating that I’m not giving out my phone number. Something more like “HELL TO THE NO, CREEPSTER.”
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
I LOVE YOU RALFY
Without further ado, let me bring you Ralfy:
Wus up peoples my name is ralfy im half puertorican an dominican.Im born an raised in New York,i am a Building Inspector/Firefighter/Hairdresser and soon to be a Police Officer.As you can see I like to work,well i should say i like the money but who dont.I have a 6 year old daughter who is my life I LOVE YOU MAMA!!! I like to be in the outdoors doing basicly anything like hunting, fishing ,camping going four wheeling etc.........I dont know what else to say other then im looking forward to meeting some new people.
I like this profile. It's full of surprises. It lures you in with the possibility of normality, then SPINS right around into the strange. I've never met a building inspector/firefighter/hairdresser/police officer before.
However, I am also slightly concerned about the juxtaposition between telling us his daughter is his world and this sudden capslock ridden shout of loving his mom. I'm left with two choices: either he has familial ADD or he calls his daughter Mama. Both may be equally bizarre.
But I love the run on sentences; the possibilities for what any of those phrases could mean are almost endless depending on where I choose to put in the punctuation.
For instance, I think "Ralfy Im Half Puertorican An Dominican" is one helluva name. It would NEVER fit on any of those standardized test fill-in-the-bubbles-with-your-name sheets.
This is a man who could never take the SATs.
Wus up peoples my name is ralfy im half puertorican an dominican.Im born an raised in New York,i am a Building Inspector/Firefighter/Hairdresser and soon to be a Police Officer.As you can see I like to work,well i should say i like the money but who dont.I have a 6 year old daughter who is my life I LOVE YOU MAMA!!! I like to be in the outdoors doing basicly anything like hunting, fishing ,camping going four wheeling etc.........I dont know what else to say other then im looking forward to meeting some new people.
I like this profile. It's full of surprises. It lures you in with the possibility of normality, then SPINS right around into the strange. I've never met a building inspector/firefighter/hairdresser/police officer before.
However, I am also slightly concerned about the juxtaposition between telling us his daughter is his world and this sudden capslock ridden shout of loving his mom. I'm left with two choices: either he has familial ADD or he calls his daughter Mama. Both may be equally bizarre.
But I love the run on sentences; the possibilities for what any of those phrases could mean are almost endless depending on where I choose to put in the punctuation.
For instance, I think "Ralfy Im Half Puertorican An Dominican" is one helluva name. It would NEVER fit on any of those standardized test fill-in-the-bubbles-with-your-name sheets.
This is a man who could never take the SATs.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Just what I always wanted.
This is the kind of thing one is faced with on Valentine's Day weekend.
(9:35:09 pm)IAMLAME: well here is a virtual rose for you... @--->>---
(9:35:20 pm)me: ugh, no thanks.
(9:36:01 pm)me: that's cheesy.
(9:36:19 pm)IAMLAME: yeah I kinda agree it is cheesy
(9:36:27 pm)me: then...why do it?
(9:36:30 pm)IAMLAME: but If I could give real roses, trust me I would
(9:36:38 pm)me: real roses are cheesy, too.
(9:36:46 pm)IAMLAME: not why u say that?
(9:36:59 pm)IAMLAME: its the thought that counts..dont all girls love flowers
(9:37:17 pm)me: no. I know a lot of girls who actually don't want flowers, and I'm one of them.
(9:37:32 pm)IAMLAME: ok then what do you like to recieve?
(9:37:46 pm)me: nothing.
(9:38:02 pm)IAMLAME: what about cards?
(9:38:07 pm)me: no.
(9:38:25 pm)IAMLAME: wow, your hard
(9:38:53 pm)me: I just don't want people wasting their money on meaningless things.
Bear in mind this guy is thirty-six years old. If he doesn't know by now that not all women can be easily bought with flowers and cards, there's really no hope for him. And what man that age gives out virtual roses? I wanted to virtual vomit on him.
(9:44:36 pm)IAMLAME: happy belated birthday
(9:44:45 pm)me: um...it was almost a month ago. heh
(9:45:04 pm)IAMLAME: thats why I said happy belated
(9:45:33 pm)IAMLAME: belated is a week after. once you're past that, don't say anything.
(9:46:02 pm)IAMLAME: damn you are hard on me.. lol
(9:46:36 pm)me: just calling you out for trying too hard.
Are you serious? That's like wishing someone a Merry Christmas at the end of January. You wouldn't do that, so why would you wish me a happy birthday a month later? Oh right, I'm supposed to think he's "thoughtful" and "sweet." Of course.
(9:59:25 pm)IAMLAME: so what kinda things can I ask you, that you wont think is a wate of time, or cheesy?
(9:59:49 pm)me: I don't know. try something.
(10:00:42 pm)IAMLAME: what do you like most about liberal arts?
(10:00:59 pm)me: wow... that's a really dumb question.
(10:01:16 pm)IAMLAME: :)
(10:01:36 pm)me: no, you shouldn't be smiling. really.
(10:02:01 pm)IAMLAME: well I can
(10:02:27 pm)me: you can. but you shouldn't be.
My profile says I have a Liberals Arts degree. If one knows what "Liberal Arts" is, they know there's really nothing to like about it in this economy. Which leads me to believe this guy has no idea. And who asks that?
(10:05:28 pm)IAMLAME: do u text
(10:05:35 pm)me: yes.
(10:05:50 pm)IAMLAME: I love texting
(10:06:35 pm)IAMLAME: verozin or att&T
(10:06:48 pm)me: there are other cell phone companies.
(10:06:57 pm)IAMLAME: yeah but out of those two
(10:07:05 pm)me: in reference to what?
(10:07:13 pm)IAMLAME: which u prefer
(10:07:31 pm)me: um.. how am I supposed to know that if I've never used one or both?
(10:07:49 pm)IAMLAME: fine whos your cell provider
(10:08:20 pm)me: why does it matter? unless you're looking for advice on switching carriers.
(10:08:40 pm)IAMLAME: no I switched from Verizon to AT&T
(10:08:55 pm)me: then why does it matter who I'm with?
(10:09:26 pm)IAMLAME: it dont,
(10:09:42 pm)me: ...then why are you asking?
(10:10:11 pm)IAMLAME: I find u interesting
(10:10:30 pm)me: and that's what you want to know about me? my cell phone carrier? um, okay.
(10:11:27 pm)me: this keeps getting more lame.
I'm guessing this was about to segue into "let's text each other," but...no. Sorry. And apparently I'm to deduce from this that my most interesting characteristic has absolutely nothing to do with me, but everything to do with my wireless plan. Nice.
(10:12:09 pm)IAMLAME: is your name Asia?
(10:12:21 pm)me: did you read my profile?
(10:12:31 pm)IAMLAME: I glanced at it
(10:12:39 pm)me: that explains a lot.
And there you have it. This is the attentive man we've all been looking for, ladies!
It'd be nice if men got smarter as they got older. It is apparent that's not the case.
(9:35:09 pm)IAMLAME: well here is a virtual rose for you... @--->>---
(9:35:20 pm)me: ugh, no thanks.
(9:36:01 pm)me: that's cheesy.
(9:36:19 pm)IAMLAME: yeah I kinda agree it is cheesy
(9:36:27 pm)me: then...why do it?
(9:36:30 pm)IAMLAME: but If I could give real roses, trust me I would
(9:36:38 pm)me: real roses are cheesy, too.
(9:36:46 pm)IAMLAME: not why u say that?
(9:36:59 pm)IAMLAME: its the thought that counts..dont all girls love flowers
(9:37:17 pm)me: no. I know a lot of girls who actually don't want flowers, and I'm one of them.
(9:37:32 pm)IAMLAME: ok then what do you like to recieve?
(9:37:46 pm)me: nothing.
(9:38:02 pm)IAMLAME: what about cards?
(9:38:07 pm)me: no.
(9:38:25 pm)IAMLAME: wow, your hard
(9:38:53 pm)me: I just don't want people wasting their money on meaningless things.
Bear in mind this guy is thirty-six years old. If he doesn't know by now that not all women can be easily bought with flowers and cards, there's really no hope for him. And what man that age gives out virtual roses? I wanted to virtual vomit on him.
(9:44:36 pm)IAMLAME: happy belated birthday
(9:44:45 pm)me: um...it was almost a month ago. heh
(9:45:04 pm)IAMLAME: thats why I said happy belated
(9:45:33 pm)IAMLAME: belated is a week after. once you're past that, don't say anything.
(9:46:02 pm)IAMLAME: damn you are hard on me.. lol
(9:46:36 pm)me: just calling you out for trying too hard.
Are you serious? That's like wishing someone a Merry Christmas at the end of January. You wouldn't do that, so why would you wish me a happy birthday a month later? Oh right, I'm supposed to think he's "thoughtful" and "sweet." Of course.
(9:59:25 pm)IAMLAME: so what kinda things can I ask you, that you wont think is a wate of time, or cheesy?
(9:59:49 pm)me: I don't know. try something.
(10:00:42 pm)IAMLAME: what do you like most about liberal arts?
(10:00:59 pm)me: wow... that's a really dumb question.
(10:01:16 pm)IAMLAME: :)
(10:01:36 pm)me: no, you shouldn't be smiling. really.
(10:02:01 pm)IAMLAME: well I can
(10:02:27 pm)me: you can. but you shouldn't be.
My profile says I have a Liberals Arts degree. If one knows what "Liberal Arts" is, they know there's really nothing to like about it in this economy. Which leads me to believe this guy has no idea. And who asks that?
(10:05:28 pm)IAMLAME: do u text
(10:05:35 pm)me: yes.
(10:05:50 pm)IAMLAME: I love texting
(10:06:35 pm)IAMLAME: verozin or att&T
(10:06:48 pm)me: there are other cell phone companies.
(10:06:57 pm)IAMLAME: yeah but out of those two
(10:07:05 pm)me: in reference to what?
(10:07:13 pm)IAMLAME: which u prefer
(10:07:31 pm)me: um.. how am I supposed to know that if I've never used one or both?
(10:07:49 pm)IAMLAME: fine whos your cell provider
(10:08:20 pm)me: why does it matter? unless you're looking for advice on switching carriers.
(10:08:40 pm)IAMLAME: no I switched from Verizon to AT&T
(10:08:55 pm)me: then why does it matter who I'm with?
(10:09:26 pm)IAMLAME: it dont,
(10:09:42 pm)me: ...then why are you asking?
(10:10:11 pm)IAMLAME: I find u interesting
(10:10:30 pm)me: and that's what you want to know about me? my cell phone carrier? um, okay.
(10:11:27 pm)me: this keeps getting more lame.
I'm guessing this was about to segue into "let's text each other," but...no. Sorry. And apparently I'm to deduce from this that my most interesting characteristic has absolutely nothing to do with me, but everything to do with my wireless plan. Nice.
(10:12:09 pm)IAMLAME: is your name Asia?
(10:12:21 pm)me: did you read my profile?
(10:12:31 pm)IAMLAME: I glanced at it
(10:12:39 pm)me: that explains a lot.
And there you have it. This is the attentive man we've all been looking for, ladies!
It'd be nice if men got smarter as they got older. It is apparent that's not the case.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Wifey? Really?
I was an English major in college. In fact, I graduated with a degree in English. With high honours, even. But, sometimes even that fails me.
Tagline: Hey ladys .
Profile: AM FROM NEWARK NJ .BUT NOW RESIDED IN ALLENTOWN PA.AM A VERY OPEN MAN WITH A GOOD HEAD ON SHOULEDER.LOVE TO SMIOLE AND HAVE FUN .AM SEEKING MY BETTER HALF .HOPEFULLY WIFEY.SOMEBODY WHO I CAN GROW OLD TOGETHER WITH.
I have no idea what that means. I mean, conceptually I know what it means, but it feels like it's written in the same language as the Voynich Manuscript.
Tagline: Hey ladys .
Profile: AM FROM NEWARK NJ .BUT NOW RESIDED IN ALLENTOWN PA.AM A VERY OPEN MAN WITH A GOOD HEAD ON SHOULEDER.LOVE TO SMIOLE AND HAVE FUN .AM SEEKING MY BETTER HALF .HOPEFULLY WIFEY.SOMEBODY WHO I CAN GROW OLD TOGETHER WITH.
I have no idea what that means. I mean, conceptually I know what it means, but it feels like it's written in the same language as the Voynich Manuscript.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
I AM AN AVERAGE GUY
I was laying in bed, snuggling with my kitten, and listening to my roommate rant about something or another when I got an IM from someone on OKCupid. I asked my roommate to lean over and see who it was. He told me it was someone with the handle…
No, wait, I’m not going to out the poor guy. Suffice it to say that it was something to the effect of IRMEDD420. To quote my roommate, “Yeah, putting 420 in your screen name just shouts out that you might have a problem.”
I responded with “I’m tempted to talk to him just for some fodder for my blog,” but ultimately decided that kitten snuggling was more important.
After I finally got up, I did go look at his profile, just to make sure I wasn’t passing up a once-in-a-lifetime chance. Here are my favourite parts.
My Self-Summary
I AM A VERY EASY GOING GUY. I'D LOVE THE OPPURTUNITY TO MEET A NURTURING EDUCATED WOMAN. I'M YOUR AVERAGE GUY, WITH SHORT BROWN HAIR, AND LIGHT GREEN EYES
What I’m doing with my life
TAKING SOME TIME OFF FROM SCHOOL WHILE I TRY TO DECIDE WHAT I WANT TO STUDY
Neither of those would cause me pause by themselves, but juxtaposed like that in a single profile…especially one with “420” in the handle…well…I’m looking in my crystal ball and I’m seeing something that starts with an M and ends with OOCHER.
I’m really good at
LEARNING, ADAPTING, EMPATHY, COMPASSION, I LIKE TO THINK I'M DECENT AT THEM ALL
He is also characterized by judicious use of the CAPSLOCK key.
The six things I could never do without
BESIDES OBVIOUS THINGS LIKE AIR AND WATER? MY SANITY, MY FAMILY, MUSIC, TV, LOVE
That would be five things besides the obvious. I’m going to go ahead and fill in WEED as the sixth, just to round it out.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit here
I CAN BE A VERY SEXUALLY DOMINANT MAN
Is it any surprise to you that he lists himself as being 5’5? No? Didn’t surprise me, either.
You should message me if
YOU DONT MIND THE FACT THAT I DO NOT HAVE A CAR
Not “if you like what you see” or “if you enjoy SCUBA diving” or “if you’re bored,” but if I mind that he doesn’t have a car? Also, my moochalarm suddenly went into overdrive.
No, wait, I’m not going to out the poor guy. Suffice it to say that it was something to the effect of IRMEDD420. To quote my roommate, “Yeah, putting 420 in your screen name just shouts out that you might have a problem.”
I responded with “I’m tempted to talk to him just for some fodder for my blog,” but ultimately decided that kitten snuggling was more important.
After I finally got up, I did go look at his profile, just to make sure I wasn’t passing up a once-in-a-lifetime chance. Here are my favourite parts.
My Self-Summary
I AM A VERY EASY GOING GUY. I'D LOVE THE OPPURTUNITY TO MEET A NURTURING EDUCATED WOMAN. I'M YOUR AVERAGE GUY, WITH SHORT BROWN HAIR, AND LIGHT GREEN EYES
What I’m doing with my life
TAKING SOME TIME OFF FROM SCHOOL WHILE I TRY TO DECIDE WHAT I WANT TO STUDY
Neither of those would cause me pause by themselves, but juxtaposed like that in a single profile…especially one with “420” in the handle…well…I’m looking in my crystal ball and I’m seeing something that starts with an M and ends with OOCHER.
I’m really good at
LEARNING, ADAPTING, EMPATHY, COMPASSION, I LIKE TO THINK I'M DECENT AT THEM ALL
He is also characterized by judicious use of the CAPSLOCK key.
The six things I could never do without
BESIDES OBVIOUS THINGS LIKE AIR AND WATER? MY SANITY, MY FAMILY, MUSIC, TV, LOVE
That would be five things besides the obvious. I’m going to go ahead and fill in WEED as the sixth, just to round it out.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit here
I CAN BE A VERY SEXUALLY DOMINANT MAN
Is it any surprise to you that he lists himself as being 5’5? No? Didn’t surprise me, either.
You should message me if
YOU DONT MIND THE FACT THAT I DO NOT HAVE A CAR
Not “if you like what you see” or “if you enjoy SCUBA diving” or “if you’re bored,” but if I mind that he doesn’t have a car? Also, my moochalarm suddenly went into overdrive.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
The Application
I wish I could make this kind of thing up because then…then I could look myself in the eye every morning and say, “Yes, the world is a beautiful place, but I will add some smattering of the bizarre into it and everyone will marvel at my total lack of connection with reality.”
Tagline: I pretty much have the coolest birthday. Ever.
That is actually interesting and made me think “Oooh, that’s a pretty cool approach. I wonder what ‘the coolest birthday ever’ IS.” So then I went all clicky-click on his handle and found this as his profile:
GIRLFRIEND APPLICATION
Copy and paste this into an email, fill it out, and send it back if you'd like to know more about me. Feel free to include references.
First Name:
Age:
Height:
Hometown:
Current town:
Did you go to college? If so where?:
What do you do for a living? Do you like it?
Describe your idea of a perfect day.
There's an unseasonalby warm Saturday in November, say 80 degrees. We had no set plans all day other than to hang out with one another. What would you like to do?
Write a few words below telling me why you think you would make a good girlfriend.
Buh-wah? Girlfriend…application…? Girlfriend application. An application to be his girlfriend? A. Girlfriend. Application.
I could chalk it up to a joke if he had then gone on and described himself. Or perhaps described himself first, but no. That's it. That's his entire profile.
I have not the words.
Tagline: I pretty much have the coolest birthday. Ever.
That is actually interesting and made me think “Oooh, that’s a pretty cool approach. I wonder what ‘the coolest birthday ever’ IS.” So then I went all clicky-click on his handle and found this as his profile:
GIRLFRIEND APPLICATION
Copy and paste this into an email, fill it out, and send it back if you'd like to know more about me. Feel free to include references.
First Name:
Age:
Height:
Hometown:
Current town:
Did you go to college? If so where?:
What do you do for a living? Do you like it?
Describe your idea of a perfect day.
There's an unseasonalby warm Saturday in November, say 80 degrees. We had no set plans all day other than to hang out with one another. What would you like to do?
Write a few words below telling me why you think you would make a good girlfriend.
Buh-wah? Girlfriend…application…? Girlfriend application. An application to be his girlfriend? A. Girlfriend. Application.
I could chalk it up to a joke if he had then gone on and described himself. Or perhaps described himself first, but no. That's it. That's his entire profile.
I have not the words.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Is this what Craig intended?
Ever since Amadei showed me You Suck at CraigsList (which was yesterday, so I've clearly been ruminating on this long and hard), I thought the winners of CL deserved some attention here, as well.
First of all, let me say... I've posted several CL ads. And my responses are generally of questionable quality. But looking through the first page of CraigsList Hartford M4W LTR section has wrought...this.
This man fancies himself a poet.
HERE I LAY MY HEAD TO REST BUT ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT IS SOME NICE FIRM BREAST.. ,NICE AND PINK AND PINK DOWN LOW.. ,BUT DEFINATELY NOT PURPLE LIKE SOME FREAKIN HOE.. ,IVE SEARCHED THE BARS FROM NORTH TO SOUTH..,JUST TO FIND MYSELF GET SLAPPED IN THE MOUTH,..
Can't imagine why. In addition to being a pig, you're also yelling at them.
SPONTAINIOUS AND FUN IS ALL I DESIRE,..BEING KINKY AND PLEASURABLE WOULD JUST SET ME ON FIRE..,BEING PURE AND SWEET , BLONDE AND PETIT.., I WOULD LICK YOU THEN DICK YOU WITH MY BIG FUCKIN MEAT..,
Maybe it's just me, but the idea of being "dicked" with "meat" is not something I find appealing...
AFTER THATS ALL SAID AND DONE..,I WOULD NOT STOP UNTILL I MADE YOU CUM..,BEING HONEST AND SINCERE AND SAFE AS CAN BE..,I WOULD THEN UNTIE YOU AND THEN SET YOU FREE..,SO IF YOUR INTERESTED STILL AND LIKED WHAT YOUVE HEARD..,JUST GIVE ME A CALL AND SAY THE WORD..,WE COULD START SLOW AND BE DISCREET,.. YOU DONT HAVE TO TELL YOUR HUSBAND YOU JUST GOT SOME MEAT..,
But what if she went to the butcher shop? What if she just wanted to make dinner?
IM 6 FEET WHITE AT 175 SO HAPPY IM HERE AND STILL ALIVE,AT A NICE YOUNG AGE OF JUST 35..,AND YET I DONT HAVE A COLLAGE DEGREE..,IM STILL FUNNY AS HELL AND WILL MAKE YOU PEE..,
No "collage" degree? But everything is spelled perfectly and your grammar is impeccable!
NOT UGLY AT ALL BUT STILL IM ALONE..,I STILL HAVE TO DO SOMETHING WITH THIS BIG FUCKIN BONE..,THROBING AND THRUSTING LIKE SOME FREAKIN NUT ,I PROMISE TO BE NICE AND NOT CALL YOU A SLUT.!!!!!!!!!!
Oh, well, if you're not going to call me a slut, that makes it all better.
And now we have Mr. Run-On and his Band of Cliches.
hello thanks for taking the time well a little about me im a one woman type man seeking my partner in crime a best freind a confedon a lover i only have room for one love i hope your the one some one
Say the word "one" one more time. See what happens.
to make our escape plans for the border with some one to wisper sweet nothings to as lightly kissing there neck smelling her hair watching the fire cant wait to well u know thats the kind of love im seeking the i cant wait to see yous typ
This guy has been watching way too many movies. And poorly transcribing their scripts.
im genaraly a very passionate guy realy sweet and true but im also a mysterious man the one who makes u wounder i have blond hair blue eyes im a 180 5/9 white male with a little edge very clean cut but u can tell im not your average joe the one u love to hate and the one u hate to love cant help urself thats me a great protecter of whats mine iv earned it.
He's just everything, isn't he? That must get tiring.
i have a few battle scarse mostly on my heart and some visable for your eyes only well if you think u can handle the wise guy type then give a text or email text me a sweet nothing or mail one whatever
I have to ask... What is a "sweet nothing"? Sounds like the equivalent of empty calories to me. The bagels of love. I don't want that.
I can't hate on this guy that much. At least he has command of the English language.
Do you live a secret life? Are you the type of female that no one would ever suspect to fuck strangers? Do you like to lose control with someone you dont know? Do you get wet even on the drive over to their house because of the excitement?
If you answered yes to any of these questions you may be a sex addict. My cock is the cure. Email me.
The only thing is... I don't think he's being sarcastic.
Ladies and gentlemen... The men of CraigsList! They're here all week.
First of all, let me say... I've posted several CL ads. And my responses are generally of questionable quality. But looking through the first page of CraigsList Hartford M4W LTR section has wrought...this.
This man fancies himself a poet.
HERE I LAY MY HEAD TO REST BUT ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT IS SOME NICE FIRM BREAST.. ,NICE AND PINK AND PINK DOWN LOW.. ,BUT DEFINATELY NOT PURPLE LIKE SOME FREAKIN HOE.. ,IVE SEARCHED THE BARS FROM NORTH TO SOUTH..,JUST TO FIND MYSELF GET SLAPPED IN THE MOUTH,..
Can't imagine why. In addition to being a pig, you're also yelling at them.
SPONTAINIOUS AND FUN IS ALL I DESIRE,..BEING KINKY AND PLEASURABLE WOULD JUST SET ME ON FIRE..,BEING PURE AND SWEET , BLONDE AND PETIT.., I WOULD LICK YOU THEN DICK YOU WITH MY BIG FUCKIN MEAT..,
Maybe it's just me, but the idea of being "dicked" with "meat" is not something I find appealing...
AFTER THATS ALL SAID AND DONE..,I WOULD NOT STOP UNTILL I MADE YOU CUM..,BEING HONEST AND SINCERE AND SAFE AS CAN BE..,I WOULD THEN UNTIE YOU AND THEN SET YOU FREE..,SO IF YOUR INTERESTED STILL AND LIKED WHAT YOUVE HEARD..,JUST GIVE ME A CALL AND SAY THE WORD..,WE COULD START SLOW AND BE DISCREET,.. YOU DONT HAVE TO TELL YOUR HUSBAND YOU JUST GOT SOME MEAT..,
But what if she went to the butcher shop? What if she just wanted to make dinner?
IM 6 FEET WHITE AT 175 SO HAPPY IM HERE AND STILL ALIVE,AT A NICE YOUNG AGE OF JUST 35..,AND YET I DONT HAVE A COLLAGE DEGREE..,IM STILL FUNNY AS HELL AND WILL MAKE YOU PEE..,
No "collage" degree? But everything is spelled perfectly and your grammar is impeccable!
NOT UGLY AT ALL BUT STILL IM ALONE..,I STILL HAVE TO DO SOMETHING WITH THIS BIG FUCKIN BONE..,THROBING AND THRUSTING LIKE SOME FREAKIN NUT ,I PROMISE TO BE NICE AND NOT CALL YOU A SLUT.!!!!!!!!!!
Oh, well, if you're not going to call me a slut, that makes it all better.
And now we have Mr. Run-On and his Band of Cliches.
hello thanks for taking the time well a little about me im a one woman type man seeking my partner in crime a best freind a confedon a lover i only have room for one love i hope your the one some one
Say the word "one" one more time. See what happens.
to make our escape plans for the border with some one to wisper sweet nothings to as lightly kissing there neck smelling her hair watching the fire cant wait to well u know thats the kind of love im seeking the i cant wait to see yous typ
This guy has been watching way too many movies. And poorly transcribing their scripts.
im genaraly a very passionate guy realy sweet and true but im also a mysterious man the one who makes u wounder i have blond hair blue eyes im a 180 5/9 white male with a little edge very clean cut but u can tell im not your average joe the one u love to hate and the one u hate to love cant help urself thats me a great protecter of whats mine iv earned it.
He's just everything, isn't he? That must get tiring.
i have a few battle scarse mostly on my heart and some visable for your eyes only well if you think u can handle the wise guy type then give a text or email text me a sweet nothing or mail one whatever
I have to ask... What is a "sweet nothing"? Sounds like the equivalent of empty calories to me. The bagels of love. I don't want that.
I can't hate on this guy that much. At least he has command of the English language.
Do you live a secret life? Are you the type of female that no one would ever suspect to fuck strangers? Do you like to lose control with someone you dont know? Do you get wet even on the drive over to their house because of the excitement?
If you answered yes to any of these questions you may be a sex addict. My cock is the cure. Email me.
The only thing is... I don't think he's being sarcastic.
Ladies and gentlemen... The men of CraigsList! They're here all week.
And That's When I Knew...
...that I am potentially an elitist bitch.
From the end of Mike on chemistry.com's profile:
as you can tell im not a fan of grammer because this whole thing is basically 1 giant sentence but who cares ! thats all i have for now!
You, sir, are another example of why the public school system in the USA needs to be revamped.
From the end of Mike on chemistry.com's profile:
as you can tell im not a fan of grammer because this whole thing is basically 1 giant sentence but who cares ! thats all i have for now!
You, sir, are another example of why the public school system in the USA needs to be revamped.
Look! Look how special I am!
This is a short one, but I had to share. Because it amused me.
This guy was matched with me...
I am a very unique person.
We all think we're unique. Prove it, slick.
I do not smoke or drink.
Neither do I. That's not unique. Work harder.
I do not own a single pair of jeans.
That's just weird. What do you wear? Dress pants? That's pretentious. Sweat pants? Lazy. Wind pants? Are we back in 1993? This statement is only acceptable if you wear a kilt at all times.
I dont chew gum.
My mother doesn't, either. Sticks to her dental work. And by the way...what a useless fact. Is this supposed to turn me on?
I have never had a sip of coffee, but I have all the energy in the world.
Are you trying to say you do speed? You didn't say anything about drugs...
I try to look for the best in everything and I think very differently from everyone else that I have met.
Yes, because looking at the bright side is so unlike everyone else in the world. There are only, oh, a couple billion other people who think like that. That's all.
This is the epitome of someone who tries too hard to be different, and wants everyone to know it. Thumbs down.
This guy was matched with me...
I am a very unique person.
We all think we're unique. Prove it, slick.
I do not smoke or drink.
Neither do I. That's not unique. Work harder.
I do not own a single pair of jeans.
That's just weird. What do you wear? Dress pants? That's pretentious. Sweat pants? Lazy. Wind pants? Are we back in 1993? This statement is only acceptable if you wear a kilt at all times.
I dont chew gum.
My mother doesn't, either. Sticks to her dental work. And by the way...what a useless fact. Is this supposed to turn me on?
I have never had a sip of coffee, but I have all the energy in the world.
Are you trying to say you do speed? You didn't say anything about drugs...
I try to look for the best in everything and I think very differently from everyone else that I have met.
Yes, because looking at the bright side is so unlike everyone else in the world. There are only, oh, a couple billion other people who think like that. That's all.
This is the epitome of someone who tries too hard to be different, and wants everyone to know it. Thumbs down.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Very Specific Wants
So, I sign onto my little account and am greeted by the following tagline:
shareing,like to talk,like making money to move ahead,active,like good food and good times more about me i really enjoy life yes
I’m not even sure what that means, honestly. It’s like he took what should have gone under “Things I Like to Do” and shoved them all into the complete wrong spot. I suppose it did its job as I did actually click through to his profile. The things I do for you, my adoring readers…
I'm looking to get things planed for the future and maintain a heathy life style,
I approve of this. Shows he has a good head on his shoulders. Well, except for the heathy part. He lives in Pennsylvania; no heath to be found (that I know of). So that will be difficult. Admirable goal, though.
with a women i need one with stibility and a good head on her shoulders
I also approve of this, though it makes me wonder how many responses he gets from women who start off with “I’m a crazy bitch who can’t hold down a job and makes totally irrational decisions” that he had to put that disclaimer in there.
one that can be a good mother
I’m not a very good feminist. I’ll admit that right up front. I would love to get married and stay home to raise my children. However, when a guy points out to me that one of the key things he wants in a woman is that she can be a good mother, it makes me twitch. Involuntarily. Spastically. Then I feel like getting all Rosie the Riveter on his ass.
a women that never forgets to ask how my day went and mean it
Another one who wants me to WANT to do the dishes. The hell?
one that is there when i can't be
Where is there? “There” as in “there for me?” …in which case, how am I supposed to be there for him when he’s not there? Does he mean “there” as in “home with the kids?” …because if so, reread the Rosie the Riveter comment.
And what does he mean “can’t” be? Can’t…like…is-in-prison-can’t? Err...
one that can enjoy the company of my friends and family
I read the words you’re writing, but for some reason, all I can envision is a harpy of a mother-in-law and a group of MANFRIENDS who do nothing but drink beer, belch, and scratch themselves.
one that holds her head high
Is the other option looking for a woman who advertises her ability to be self-deprecating? Or does he want someone who's good at playing sober when the cops come looking for the weed?
one that can turn the playing on and off to keep it fun
To keep WHAT fun? I’m so disturbed.
shareing,like to talk,like making money to move ahead,active,like good food and good times more about me i really enjoy life yes
I’m not even sure what that means, honestly. It’s like he took what should have gone under “Things I Like to Do” and shoved them all into the complete wrong spot. I suppose it did its job as I did actually click through to his profile. The things I do for you, my adoring readers…
I'm looking to get things planed for the future and maintain a heathy life style,
I approve of this. Shows he has a good head on his shoulders. Well, except for the heathy part. He lives in Pennsylvania; no heath to be found (that I know of). So that will be difficult. Admirable goal, though.
with a women i need one with stibility and a good head on her shoulders
I also approve of this, though it makes me wonder how many responses he gets from women who start off with “I’m a crazy bitch who can’t hold down a job and makes totally irrational decisions” that he had to put that disclaimer in there.
one that can be a good mother
I’m not a very good feminist. I’ll admit that right up front. I would love to get married and stay home to raise my children. However, when a guy points out to me that one of the key things he wants in a woman is that she can be a good mother, it makes me twitch. Involuntarily. Spastically. Then I feel like getting all Rosie the Riveter on his ass.
a women that never forgets to ask how my day went and mean it
Another one who wants me to WANT to do the dishes. The hell?
one that is there when i can't be
Where is there? “There” as in “there for me?” …in which case, how am I supposed to be there for him when he’s not there? Does he mean “there” as in “home with the kids?” …because if so, reread the Rosie the Riveter comment.
And what does he mean “can’t” be? Can’t…like…is-in-prison-can’t? Err...
one that can enjoy the company of my friends and family
I read the words you’re writing, but for some reason, all I can envision is a harpy of a mother-in-law and a group of MANFRIENDS who do nothing but drink beer, belch, and scratch themselves.
one that holds her head high
Is the other option looking for a woman who advertises her ability to be self-deprecating? Or does he want someone who's good at playing sober when the cops come looking for the weed?
one that can turn the playing on and off to keep it fun
To keep WHAT fun? I’m so disturbed.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Great Moments in Profile Writing.
That title is sarcastic. Just so you know.
This is a smattering of the wonderful stuff I read while perusing profiles this afternoon.
I like to stay active but I'm also a big fan of relaxing, I guess it all depends.
Wait a minute... You mean sometimes you like to do things, and sometimes you don't? Impossible!
I look like that preppy kid in highschool that no one liked.
That's...really not going to help people like you now, is it? And yes, you do look like that guy. It must be the popped collar, douche.
I have a funny sense of humour -I like saying things that will make a person just burst out laughing.
I thought that was the point... In other news: Water is wet, the sky is blue, and you're still single.
i want that relationship that is just perfect. perfect takes work and im not afraid to do it.
You will be working for a very long time, my friend. A very long time.
Im a goofy funny guy who is tired of the same small town life ive grown up in. I love riding my quad and hanging out with the guys. i love the outdoors, hiking, camping, snowboarding... and the list goes on.
Good luck finding that stuff in the city, dude. I hear they frown upon sidewalk camping.
Im Paul, lol, and honestly youd probably have better chances with one of my friends.
Paul, I don't think you understand online dating...
getting my life back so i can start my own Remolding company
"Remolding"? Sounds like a scam to give mold removers more work... I'm calling the Better Business Bureau.
I don't read books often, unless required to do so. Although I have most recently started reading "Arguing with Idiots," by Glenn Beck. Yeah, i'm conservative.
Do I even need to comment on this?
im a virgo so im very neat and clean shaving..
I know many hairy Virgos. Are you sure you're not a Libra? I hear they like to shave.
Dogs/Cats?: Ether
Oh shit, hide your pets!
I'll do this again sometime. There's so much to work with.
This is a smattering of the wonderful stuff I read while perusing profiles this afternoon.
I like to stay active but I'm also a big fan of relaxing, I guess it all depends.
Wait a minute... You mean sometimes you like to do things, and sometimes you don't? Impossible!
I look like that preppy kid in highschool that no one liked.
That's...really not going to help people like you now, is it? And yes, you do look like that guy. It must be the popped collar, douche.
I have a funny sense of humour -I like saying things that will make a person just burst out laughing.
I thought that was the point... In other news: Water is wet, the sky is blue, and you're still single.
i want that relationship that is just perfect. perfect takes work and im not afraid to do it.
You will be working for a very long time, my friend. A very long time.
Im a goofy funny guy who is tired of the same small town life ive grown up in. I love riding my quad and hanging out with the guys. i love the outdoors, hiking, camping, snowboarding... and the list goes on.
Good luck finding that stuff in the city, dude. I hear they frown upon sidewalk camping.
Im Paul, lol, and honestly youd probably have better chances with one of my friends.
Paul, I don't think you understand online dating...
getting my life back so i can start my own Remolding company
"Remolding"? Sounds like a scam to give mold removers more work... I'm calling the Better Business Bureau.
I don't read books often, unless required to do so. Although I have most recently started reading "Arguing with Idiots," by Glenn Beck. Yeah, i'm conservative.
Do I even need to comment on this?
im a virgo so im very neat and clean shaving..
I know many hairy Virgos. Are you sure you're not a Libra? I hear they like to shave.
Dogs/Cats?: Ether
Oh shit, hide your pets!
I'll do this again sometime. There's so much to work with.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Unsent.
On occasion, though I'm typically not afraid to mock the stupid, I will refrain from unleashing my bitchery on some unsuspecting moron. I know, it's hard to believe. But I do, sometimes, hold my tongue.
Had I felt like putting forth the effort, these are the responses I would send to some recent winners.
I got this one last night. "ur cutee how r u>" (It's also important to mention the subject line was "hryy.")
What, exactly, are you trying to say here? Are you dictating to your dog or something?
I'm assuming this was in reference to my profile, in which I say I think I'm a gay man in a straight woman's body. "So does that mean that im A Homosexual ?????"
No, it means you are B Homosexual. And your ? key appears to be stuck. Alternately: Yes, it means you are a homosexual. And, as a female, I find dating male homosexuals to be problematic. So I'm sorry, I don't think it's going to work out.
This seems fine on the surface... "I came across your profile, thought you were cute an just wanted to say Hi. Plus i love your smile!"
Nice form message, jackass. I'm not actually smiling in any of my pictures. How many of these did you send out tonight? 10? 20? Maybe one of them will think they're special.
This guy sent me two separate messages in the same night. First: "I'm always on. Wanna talk? I always have something to say. I'm bored." And four hours later: "I'm not creepy... But I am bored. If you could change something about yourself, what would it be & why?"
Either you're incredibly persistent or you're sending a message to every woman in a twenty-five mile radius and you forgot you'd already gotten to me. And by the way, that question? Is creepy.
Totally out of nowhere... "Hi I'd really like to talk but my Internet is screwing up. You should call me 518XXXXXXX."
You do realize you just sent me this...on the internet, right? Also: No.
...why didn't I reply again?
Had I felt like putting forth the effort, these are the responses I would send to some recent winners.
I got this one last night. "ur cutee how r u>" (It's also important to mention the subject line was "hryy.")
What, exactly, are you trying to say here? Are you dictating to your dog or something?
I'm assuming this was in reference to my profile, in which I say I think I'm a gay man in a straight woman's body. "So does that mean that im A Homosexual ?????"
No, it means you are B Homosexual. And your ? key appears to be stuck. Alternately: Yes, it means you are a homosexual. And, as a female, I find dating male homosexuals to be problematic. So I'm sorry, I don't think it's going to work out.
This seems fine on the surface... "I came across your profile, thought you were cute an just wanted to say Hi. Plus i love your smile!"
Nice form message, jackass. I'm not actually smiling in any of my pictures. How many of these did you send out tonight? 10? 20? Maybe one of them will think they're special.
This guy sent me two separate messages in the same night. First: "I'm always on. Wanna talk? I always have something to say. I'm bored." And four hours later: "I'm not creepy... But I am bored. If you could change something about yourself, what would it be & why?"
Either you're incredibly persistent or you're sending a message to every woman in a twenty-five mile radius and you forgot you'd already gotten to me. And by the way, that question? Is creepy.
Totally out of nowhere... "Hi I'd really like to talk but my Internet is screwing up. You should call me 518XXXXXXX."
You do realize you just sent me this...on the internet, right? Also: No.
...why didn't I reply again?
Me and Mr. Perfect. Again.
So this is the continuation of the saga involving the fantastic fellow I mentioned in my last entry, Mr. Perfect. The following conversation took place a week after the first one. I had already told him, in no uncertain terms, that I found him to be wholly reprehensible and did not care to speak with him again.
(10:35:07 pm)mrperfect: i want to get some dinner with you
(10:35:20 pm)me: that's a funny joke.
(10:35:30 pm)mrperfect: yup why you moody still?
(10:35:46 pm)me: because you're an ass?
(10:35:55 pm)mrperfect: i do have a good ass
(10:36:27 pm)mrperfect: my date today liked it
(10:36:33 pm)me: good for your date.
(10:36:41 pm)mrperfect: haha wow r u russian
(10:36:52 pm)me: what does that even mean?
(10:36:54 pm)me: im russian you answer like my grnad ma
I speak like your Russian grandmother...how? In English? I'm confused.
This is where it gets downright strange.
(10:38:46 pm)mrperfect: well lets get some coffe at mohgans
(10:38:53 pm)me: let's not.
(10:39:19 pm)mrperfect: yeah i need you
(10:39:35 pm)mrperfect: to try and punch me attack me
(10:39:51 pm)mrperfect: your mean enough for the job
(10:40:38 pm)mrperfect: I need a partner so i can keep practicing my offense
(10:40:57 pm)me: you can keep looking
(10:41:05 pm)mrperfect: nope i want you
(10:41:13 pm)mrperfect: to try and hit me
(10:41:23 pm)mrperfect: kick me
(10:41:23 pm)me: I'm not going to hit you.
(10:41:47 pm)mrperfect: i want to you to try and hit me
(10:41:55 pm)mrperfect: well thats what I like
(10:42:08 pm)me: which is why you need to keep looking
(10:42:55 pm)mrperfect: ill pay you
(10:43:00 pm)mrperfect: to hit me
(10:43:21 pm)mrperfect: best job in an economy like this
(10:43:25 pm)me: no thanks.
I'm sorry...what? I know people have their fetishes, but really? I'm the least violent person I know. I've never hit anyone. Plus this is just fucking weird.
And a total shifting of gears... This is how we know he's perfect.
(10:45:23 pm)mrperfect: how many cars do you have?
(10:45:35 pm)me: uh... just the one, because that's all I need
(10:45:49 pm)mrperfect: what if it brakes down
(10:46:09 pm)mrperfect: or someone punches the windshild out?
(10:46:30 pm)me: I have it covered.
(10:46:40 pm)mrperfect: if you had 5 like me you could just get in the other one
(10:46:58 pm)me: I don't want to do anything like you.
(10:47:15 pm)mrperfect: haha i got it all
(10:47:35 pm)mrperfect: green eyes , %100 healthy perfect
(10:47:46 pm)mrperfect: money in bank
(10:47:55 pm)me: you're not perfect. go ahead and think you are, but you're not.
(10:48:03 pm)mrperfect: yes i am
(10:48:27 pm)me: like I said...keep thinking it.
(10:48:27 pm)mrperfect: model john casablancas
(10:49:02 pm)me: I don't care.
Five cars? In pieces in the mud outside your trailer, right? Look at me. I'm so turned on. Oh, no...wait... That's nausea.
(10:53:18 pm)mrperfect: ohh ok be nice
(10:53:36 pm)me: why should I be nice? you haven't
(10:53:45 pm)mrperfect: yes ia m nice i like you
(10:53:57 pm)me: I still don't like you.
(10:54:20 pm)mrperfect: why dont you like me?
(10:54:40 pm)me: you're a pompous, condescending, self-righteous jackass.
(10:55:29 pm)mrperfect: hum well i think im nice
(10:56:00 pm)me: oh really? why don't you look back on some of the things you said the last time we talked?
(10:56:16 pm)mrperfect: thats cause you were being mean
(10:56:25 pm)mrperfect: i didnt mean nay of them
(10:56:44 pm)me: I wasn't being mean. I was being uninterested, and you were getting defensive.
(10:57:01 pm)me: you were obviously pissed off that I didn't think you were "perfect," and you got insulting.
(10:57:03 pm)mrperfect: naah
(10:57:29 pm)mrperfect: well we should get soem drinks and talk about it
(10:57:39 pm)me: no. no we shouldn't.
(10:57:46 pm)mrperfect: why?
(10:57:53 pm)me: because I don't like you.
(10:57:58 pm)me: I don't know how much more clear I can be.
The point...he does not has it.
And then this random-ass gem...
(10:58:17 pm)mrperfect: clear cb-300 chastity belt
(10:58:34 pm)me: ...what?
(10:59:00 pm)mrperfect: CB-3000 clear chastity belt women love them look on line
I still don't know where the fuck that came from and how it was relevant, but...okay.
And this was how it ended.
(11:00:18 pm)mrperfect: you rock sweety bye
(11:00:35 pm)me: ugh, don't you ever call me that... and don't message me again.
(11:00:54 pm)mrperfect: hum ok lots more on here
It should be noted that he messaged me on three more occasions. THREE. I did not reply.
So kids...what have we learned? You cannot be perfect unless you have multiple vehicles and like getting the shit beat out of you. Ah, now we all have something to which we can aspire!
(10:35:07 pm)mrperfect: i want to get some dinner with you
(10:35:20 pm)me: that's a funny joke.
(10:35:30 pm)mrperfect: yup why you moody still?
(10:35:46 pm)me: because you're an ass?
(10:35:55 pm)mrperfect: i do have a good ass
(10:36:27 pm)mrperfect: my date today liked it
(10:36:33 pm)me: good for your date.
(10:36:41 pm)mrperfect: haha wow r u russian
(10:36:52 pm)me: what does that even mean?
(10:36:54 pm)me: im russian you answer like my grnad ma
I speak like your Russian grandmother...how? In English? I'm confused.
This is where it gets downright strange.
(10:38:46 pm)mrperfect: well lets get some coffe at mohgans
(10:38:53 pm)me: let's not.
(10:39:19 pm)mrperfect: yeah i need you
(10:39:35 pm)mrperfect: to try and punch me attack me
(10:39:51 pm)mrperfect: your mean enough for the job
(10:40:38 pm)mrperfect: I need a partner so i can keep practicing my offense
(10:40:57 pm)me: you can keep looking
(10:41:05 pm)mrperfect: nope i want you
(10:41:13 pm)mrperfect: to try and hit me
(10:41:23 pm)mrperfect: kick me
(10:41:23 pm)me: I'm not going to hit you.
(10:41:47 pm)mrperfect: i want to you to try and hit me
(10:41:55 pm)mrperfect: well thats what I like
(10:42:08 pm)me: which is why you need to keep looking
(10:42:55 pm)mrperfect: ill pay you
(10:43:00 pm)mrperfect: to hit me
(10:43:21 pm)mrperfect: best job in an economy like this
(10:43:25 pm)me: no thanks.
I'm sorry...what? I know people have their fetishes, but really? I'm the least violent person I know. I've never hit anyone. Plus this is just fucking weird.
And a total shifting of gears... This is how we know he's perfect.
(10:45:23 pm)mrperfect: how many cars do you have?
(10:45:35 pm)me: uh... just the one, because that's all I need
(10:45:49 pm)mrperfect: what if it brakes down
(10:46:09 pm)mrperfect: or someone punches the windshild out?
(10:46:30 pm)me: I have it covered.
(10:46:40 pm)mrperfect: if you had 5 like me you could just get in the other one
(10:46:58 pm)me: I don't want to do anything like you.
(10:47:15 pm)mrperfect: haha i got it all
(10:47:35 pm)mrperfect: green eyes , %100 healthy perfect
(10:47:46 pm)mrperfect: money in bank
(10:47:55 pm)me: you're not perfect. go ahead and think you are, but you're not.
(10:48:03 pm)mrperfect: yes i am
(10:48:27 pm)me: like I said...keep thinking it.
(10:48:27 pm)mrperfect: model john casablancas
(10:49:02 pm)me: I don't care.
Five cars? In pieces in the mud outside your trailer, right? Look at me. I'm so turned on. Oh, no...wait... That's nausea.
(10:53:18 pm)mrperfect: ohh ok be nice
(10:53:36 pm)me: why should I be nice? you haven't
(10:53:45 pm)mrperfect: yes ia m nice i like you
(10:53:57 pm)me: I still don't like you.
(10:54:20 pm)mrperfect: why dont you like me?
(10:54:40 pm)me: you're a pompous, condescending, self-righteous jackass.
(10:55:29 pm)mrperfect: hum well i think im nice
(10:56:00 pm)me: oh really? why don't you look back on some of the things you said the last time we talked?
(10:56:16 pm)mrperfect: thats cause you were being mean
(10:56:25 pm)mrperfect: i didnt mean nay of them
(10:56:44 pm)me: I wasn't being mean. I was being uninterested, and you were getting defensive.
(10:57:01 pm)me: you were obviously pissed off that I didn't think you were "perfect," and you got insulting.
(10:57:03 pm)mrperfect: naah
(10:57:29 pm)mrperfect: well we should get soem drinks and talk about it
(10:57:39 pm)me: no. no we shouldn't.
(10:57:46 pm)mrperfect: why?
(10:57:53 pm)me: because I don't like you.
(10:57:58 pm)me: I don't know how much more clear I can be.
The point...he does not has it.
And then this random-ass gem...
(10:58:17 pm)mrperfect: clear cb-300 chastity belt
(10:58:34 pm)me: ...what?
(10:59:00 pm)mrperfect: CB-3000 clear chastity belt women love them look on line
I still don't know where the fuck that came from and how it was relevant, but...okay.
And this was how it ended.
(11:00:18 pm)mrperfect: you rock sweety bye
(11:00:35 pm)me: ugh, don't you ever call me that... and don't message me again.
(11:00:54 pm)mrperfect: hum ok lots more on here
It should be noted that he messaged me on three more occasions. THREE. I did not reply.
So kids...what have we learned? You cannot be perfect unless you have multiple vehicles and like getting the shit beat out of you. Ah, now we all have something to which we can aspire!
My Momma Says I'm the Bestest Rock Star EVER!
Seriously, guys, I want to know what universe in which this works:
I just do not understand the mentality of insulting the people one is trying to attract, even in jest, which I assume is what he's trying to do considering he states that, "Women without a sense of humor need not apply!"
But, then again, it could be that I'm just a jealous hater, in which case Mike, whose profile was surprisingly coherent, has something else to say to me:
I just do not understand the mentality of insulting the people one is trying to attract, even in jest, which I assume is what he's trying to do considering he states that, "Women without a sense of humor need not apply!"
But, then again, it could be that I'm just a jealous hater, in which case Mike, whose profile was surprisingly coherent, has something else to say to me:
And here I just thought I was taking offense to being called desperate and lonely rather than hating his jacked, handsome self. Then again, he's also on a dating website (chemistry.com, in point of fact), so what does that say about him?
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Meet Matthew
Girls, I’d like to introduce you to Matthew.
Matthew is a thirty-one year old Service Advisor for a small GM dealership. He enjoys camping, cooking, going dancing, dining out, going to the movies, and traveling. He has dark brown hair and brown eyes, but before I go into too much detail, let’s ask Matthew what he’s looking for in a girl…
HAVE TO BE OUT GOING AND ENJOY SPORTS. ALSO HAS TO BE ABLE TO TAKE AND GIVE SARCASM AND JUST BE OUT GOING
AAAH! WHY ARE WE YELLING?! I mean, okay, ahem…so he’d like his lady to be outgoing and enjoy sports as well as have a finely tuned sense of sarcasm and be outgoing. I have a feeling he’d also like her to be outgoing, but that may just be conjecture on my part.
Now that we’ve perused his tagline, let’s look at the rest of his profile, shall we?
I LOVE BEING OUTDOORS AND PLAYING SPORTS. HATE SOAR LOSERS AND NOT A BIG FAN OF PEOPLE WHO ALWAYS HAVE TO BE THE CENTER OF ATTENTION.
What a soar loser may look like.
I AM VERY OUTGOING AND DO NOT LIKE TOO SIT STILL MUCH. PERSONALITY IS THE NUMBER ONE THING I LOOK FOR IN A PERSON.
I’m getting this vibe. This vibe of someone very…outgoing…perhaps?
I AM VERY BIG HEARTED AND LOVE TOO MAKE PEOPLE LAUGH. IF YOU ARE NOT INTO SARCASM THEN YOU WILL NOT BE INTO ME.
Sarcasm: (n) sarcasm, irony, satire, caustic remark (witty language used to convey insults or scorn)
Therefore, if one is big-hearted, chances are one isn’t very sarcastic. One might be quite witty, but sarcastic is something one would not be.
Also, if one doesn’t stop shouting, one will not be into me, if one gets my drift. Just sayin’.
I THINK IT IS GREAT WHEN PEOPLE CAN LAUGH AT THEMSELVES( I LAUGH AT MY SELF ALL THE TIME. ESP WHEN I TRY SINGING)
I would concur. See, ladies? He has a sense of humour, oh, and look…he also loves to cook.
I ENJOY COOKING AND HOPEFULLY YOU WOULD ENJOY DOING THE DISHES IF I COOKED FOR YOU
Why am I suddenly reminded of that scene in The Breakup where Jennifer Aniston’s character says “I want you to WANT to do the dishes!”? And they say guys don’t understand that kind of nuance.
So, what do you say, girls? Want to go on a date with Matthew?
Matthew is a thirty-one year old Service Advisor for a small GM dealership. He enjoys camping, cooking, going dancing, dining out, going to the movies, and traveling. He has dark brown hair and brown eyes, but before I go into too much detail, let’s ask Matthew what he’s looking for in a girl…
HAVE TO BE OUT GOING AND ENJOY SPORTS. ALSO HAS TO BE ABLE TO TAKE AND GIVE SARCASM AND JUST BE OUT GOING
AAAH! WHY ARE WE YELLING?! I mean, okay, ahem…so he’d like his lady to be outgoing and enjoy sports as well as have a finely tuned sense of sarcasm and be outgoing. I have a feeling he’d also like her to be outgoing, but that may just be conjecture on my part.
Now that we’ve perused his tagline, let’s look at the rest of his profile, shall we?
I LOVE BEING OUTDOORS AND PLAYING SPORTS. HATE SOAR LOSERS AND NOT A BIG FAN OF PEOPLE WHO ALWAYS HAVE TO BE THE CENTER OF ATTENTION.
What a soar loser may look like.
I AM VERY OUTGOING AND DO NOT LIKE TOO SIT STILL MUCH. PERSONALITY IS THE NUMBER ONE THING I LOOK FOR IN A PERSON.
I’m getting this vibe. This vibe of someone very…outgoing…perhaps?
I AM VERY BIG HEARTED AND LOVE TOO MAKE PEOPLE LAUGH. IF YOU ARE NOT INTO SARCASM THEN YOU WILL NOT BE INTO ME.
Sarcasm: (n) sarcasm, irony, satire, caustic remark (witty language used to convey insults or scorn)
Therefore, if one is big-hearted, chances are one isn’t very sarcastic. One might be quite witty, but sarcastic is something one would not be.
Also, if one doesn’t stop shouting, one will not be into me, if one gets my drift. Just sayin’.
I THINK IT IS GREAT WHEN PEOPLE CAN LAUGH AT THEMSELVES( I LAUGH AT MY SELF ALL THE TIME. ESP WHEN I TRY SINGING)
I would concur. See, ladies? He has a sense of humour, oh, and look…he also loves to cook.
I ENJOY COOKING AND HOPEFULLY YOU WOULD ENJOY DOING THE DISHES IF I COOKED FOR YOU
Why am I suddenly reminded of that scene in The Breakup where Jennifer Aniston’s character says “I want you to WANT to do the dishes!”? And they say guys don’t understand that kind of nuance.
So, what do you say, girls? Want to go on a date with Matthew?
Monday, February 1, 2010
Application DENIED
This wasn't initially what I was going to post today, but it popped into my inbox and I think it warrants a closer look.
The following comes from Ervin on chemistry.com whose tagline simply reads "good looking."
I think that nursing has a great future. I’m interested in nursing problems for many years and now I have a strong desire to help people. I seek out opportunities for growth and development in my new role. According to structure career development opportunities and to my future plans I believe that as every nurse I shall be able actualize my goals within chosen career path with the opportunity for professional growth and advancement. There were received important knowledge during my courses and I feel myself ready to practical activity. I knew theoretical aspects of nursing science and also I have several interesting ideas how to change nowadays situation that will promote the improvement of patient care system. Improving healthcare quality for effective patient centered care we will improve own practical skills that will bring to the best results in future. In my opinion direct contact with expert staff physicians is one more opportunity to achieve career growth because only qualified specialists can help me to become great in chosen area. I think that every nurse should use opportunity to develop own professional skills and increase the level of knowledge because we are responsible for people’s health and life.
I applaud Ervin for his dedication to the medical field. I am pleased to know that there are men out there interested in the nursing field and who want the very best for their patients. It makes any hypothetical trips to the hospital less scary knowing that I might be helped by someone like Ervin who has a strong desire to help people and wants to use every opportunity to develop his professional skills and knowledge.
My only problem with it, really, is...if he's interested in me on a dating website, why did I need to see his résumé?
The following comes from Ervin on chemistry.com whose tagline simply reads "good looking."
I think that nursing has a great future. I’m interested in nursing problems for many years and now I have a strong desire to help people. I seek out opportunities for growth and development in my new role. According to structure career development opportunities and to my future plans I believe that as every nurse I shall be able actualize my goals within chosen career path with the opportunity for professional growth and advancement. There were received important knowledge during my courses and I feel myself ready to practical activity. I knew theoretical aspects of nursing science and also I have several interesting ideas how to change nowadays situation that will promote the improvement of patient care system. Improving healthcare quality for effective patient centered care we will improve own practical skills that will bring to the best results in future. In my opinion direct contact with expert staff physicians is one more opportunity to achieve career growth because only qualified specialists can help me to become great in chosen area. I think that every nurse should use opportunity to develop own professional skills and increase the level of knowledge because we are responsible for people’s health and life.
I applaud Ervin for his dedication to the medical field. I am pleased to know that there are men out there interested in the nursing field and who want the very best for their patients. It makes any hypothetical trips to the hospital less scary knowing that I might be helped by someone like Ervin who has a strong desire to help people and wants to use every opportunity to develop his professional skills and knowledge.
My only problem with it, really, is...if he's interested in me on a dating website, why did I need to see his résumé?
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